by J. L. Leslie
I scan over the list and then hand it to Tauren because I can tell he’s curious. “Do I have any restrictions?”
“I don’t see any cause for concern at this time. You can carry on with your normal daily activities, and if you and Mr. Holt wish to resume sexual activities, there shouldn’t be any risk to the baby.”
My cheeks heat and I squirm a little on the table, especially when Tauren thanks him. “Is that it? Is that all that happens today?”
Dr. Newlin smiles. “Not quite. We’re going to do an ultrasound and see if we can hear a heartbeat, check and make sure everything is where it should be at ten weeks, and then you’ll be free to go until next month. You can lie back and raise your shirt.”
Tauren steps closer to me, taking my hand in his as I lie back and let Dr. Newlin attempt to find our unborn baby’s heartbeat.
“There it is,” Dr. Newlin says. “I’ll print an ultrasound picture for you.”
I look up at the ceiling, all of this so surreal, and then this sound fills the room. It’s steady and fast, and as long as I live, I will remember that sound.
Tauren squeezes my hand. “That’s our kid,” he whispers, and takes the photo from Dr. Newlin.
Yes, that’s our kid, and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.
Chapter Seventeen
Tauren
Helene holds her package of prenatal vitamins in her lap as we drive away from Dr. Newlin’s office. I know she has her next class at one o’clock, but it’s nearly lunchtime, and I heard her stomach growling more than once.
Without asking, I turn into a fast food restaurant and pull through the drive thru. I glance over at Helene, and she tells me what she wants. I order it but get her a bottled water instead of the coke she asked for.
“Coke is not good for the baby,” I explain with a smirk, taking a sip of my coke the moment the employee hands it to me.
“That is not fair,” she grumbles, shoving my arm.
“Okay, next time I’ll order water too,” I promise. “I won’t make you suffer alone.”
I pass her food to her, and she digs in, instantly shoving a few fries into her mouth. I knew she was hungry. She shoves another handful into her mouth and takes her burger out of the bag next.
“Jesus, Helene, didn’t you eat breakfast?” I tease, and she shakes her head. “Wait, you didn’t eat breakfast? Baby, you can’t skip meals.”
She cuts her eyes at me. “I can’t hold my breakfast down, and I don’t like vomiting in the middle of class. I skip that meal, and I eat after my first class when it’s a little later in the morning, but I had the appointment today, so I didn’t get to eat.”
“Why didn’t you ask the doctor what to do about the morning sickness?” I ask her, and again, she cuts her eyes at me.
“Saltine crackers, Tauren. That’s what I can do about morning sickness. Do you think you’re the only one of us who’s read an internet article?”
“Okay, I don’t want to argue with you,” I let her know. “You not eating makes me concerned.”
She seems to accept that, not giving me the death stare anymore. She eats while I drive and finishes off her entire burger, all of her fries, and half of mine by the time I get her back to campus.
“How are you getting home?” I ask her when she gets out of my car.
“I’m tutoring this afternoon, so I’m going to take the bus when I get finished.”
“I’m going into work now, but I can pick you up if you want,” I offer.
“You do know that you don’t have to do that, right? You will still be part of our baby’s life whether you drive me to appointments or pick me up from work.”
“I know, Helene,” I sigh. “I’ll see you this afternoon.”
I pull off, watching her walk away in my rearview mirror. I might not have to do these things, but I want to. I want Helene back, and my strategy is taking it one day at a time. Showing her that not only do I care about our baby, but I care about her too.
I fucked up when we split. I was an idiot for sticking my dick in any willing woman. I thought it would help me move on, but it only made it worse for me. It only showed me that no one else compares to her. To what we had together. To what we will have again.
I make the trip to Westmont, the whole way telling myself that Helene is going to forgive me. That she’s going to give me a second chance and we’re going to be a family. Her, me, and our baby. The three of us will be together, and the thought that I can make that happen is what gives me hope. Strength.
I turn onto the street where the rest of the crew is at and find somewhere to park. When I get out, I realize that we’re working only a few buildings down from a small bookstore. I holler over to Alex that I’ll be up in a minute and go over to the bookstore.
It’s a small one, nothing compared to the large chains that are all over the Birmingham area, but I’m hoping it’ll have what I need. I don’t waste time looking for it; I go straight to the clerk. With a smile, she takes me right to it and I snatch two of them off the shelf without even bothering to check the price.
I put the bag of books into my car and pull the polo I’m wearing off, tossing it into the seat. I pop the trunk and get out an old t-shirt and my toolbelt. I put on the shirt and strap the belt on once I get inside the building we’re working on.
We’re doing a remodel for a new business. I think some type of gift shop or something is going in here. They needed a complete remodel because the spot was nearly destroyed in a fire. I’m surprised anyone even bought the place to begin with. The damage is extensive.
“Since when do you read?” Alex jokes. “I doubt they sell Playboy in there.”
“Needed a book,” I answer him. “And, no, I didn’t see any Playboy mags.”
“If there aren’t pictures of naked women, I don’t need it,” Alex smirks, and I roll my eyes.
“This is the reason why your girlfriend dumped you,” I tease.
“Which one?” he laughs, seemingly unfazed by the fact that his main girlfriend dumped him in front of the entire crew Monday. Too bad that didn’t happen in Chapelwood. Maybe then everyone would be talking about him instead of me and Helene.
“Do you ever get tired of it?” I ask him. “Playing the field?”
No one outside of my family, Jenna, and Brynn knew about me and Helene. The crew I work with, sure, they’re my friends, but we’re not the type of friends that share everything. We’re the type of friends that go out and have a beer together on the weekends and work together during the week. We don’t have to know personal details about each other’s lives.
“Oh, come on, man,” he laughs. “Don’t tell me you’re ready to find someone and settle down.”
“I’m going to have a kid,” I admit to him, knowing Chapelwood gossip doesn’t mean anything in Westmont.
“No shit?”
“No shit,” I confirm. “So, yeah, I have to settle down. I’m not going to have my kid wondering why her daddy isn’t home or missing out on things because I’m too busy out trying to get a piece of ass.”
Alex shrugs. “I can see how a kid would change your perspective. Maybe I’ll settle down one day, but for now, I’m having too much fun juggling different women. I like the challenge.”
I roll my eyes, and we get back to work. He tells me about a couple of new chicks he met and how he’s glad he’s not tied down anymore. Not like he ever was. I listen to him and realize that part of my life is now my past. I want to be tied down. I want to be a one-woman man.
I want to marry Helene.
Helene
I step outside of the library, and there he is. Exactly the way he used to do. Tauren stands in the hall and waits for me to come to him, which of course, I do. He holds his hand out, offering to take my books and I let him.
“You didn’t think I was going to show up, did you?” he asks, nudging my side.
“I was prepared to take the bus just in case.”
“I’m not going to screw up this
time,” he promises.
Am I an idiot if I believe him? I keep telling myself that I’m not ready to forgive him. Not ready to forget what he’s done. But every time I see him, spend time with him, those wounds are being healed. Those broken pieces are being mended.
We get outside, and he lets me know that he has something for me. Once we reach his car, he opens the passenger door and reaches inside, grabbing a bag off of the seat. I take out two books, both are copies of What To Expect When You’re Expecting.
“One of them is mine,” he explains.
I reach out and touch his abdomen. “Oh? When are you due?” I joke and then slowly lower my hand when I realize I’m still touching him.
“I didn’t want to be out of the loop.”
I smile softly and then get into the car. When he gets in, he waits for me to buckle up before driving off.
“Will you ever trust me again, Helene?” he asks, his voice quiet. “I need to know because I’ll give you everything I have, give you my best, if you’ll let me.”
“What did my daddy say to you? That night, I mean. What did he say to make you turn your back on me?” I question him and see his grip tighten on the steering wheel.
“You promised him you would stop seeing me,” he accuses, but his tone isn’t cruel. It’s tormented, and I know there’s more to the story than him being angry about my choice.
“You and I both know I never had any intention of staying away from you,” I say. “I would have told him anything to make him stop hurting you.”
“Your daddy, preacher or not, is not a good man.”
“Tell me, Tauren,” I urge.
“He threatened my family. Everyone important to me,” he finally confesses. “How he would destroy all that they have worked for, and he meant it, Helene. He would have ruined their lives had I not stayed away from you.”
I knew there had to be a reason, a serious reason, for him to cut ties with me. At the time though, it seemed as though he’d gotten what he wanted, what he’d been chasing after for over a year, and he didn’t need the hassle any longer.
“Staying away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” he tells me. “I tried to block you out of my mind with whiskey, and when that didn’t work, I thought I could replace you. All I ever did was pretend they were you.”
“I’m not really who you want,” I say. “You found out I was pregnant, and you’re worried you’ll miss out on something if we aren’t together, but I’m not going to keep you from our child.”
“Helene, it wouldn’t matter to me if you were pregnant or not. Don’t you see the effect you have on me? Christ, on any man who comes around you?”
I frown. “I know you’re lying now because you said it yourself that no one else would have me.”
“Could have you!” he corrects me. “I said no one else could have you and even in a drunken stupor, I know what I meant by that!”
“Well, I don’t!” I raise my voice, exasperated, and suddenly Tauren hits the brakes and pulls off the road, his car skidding to a stop. “What in the world are you doing?”
He unclips his seat belt and leans over, his mouth capturing mine before I can process what’s happening. I’m too stunned to push him away, my lips reacting naturally, moving against his.
His hand finds my nape and tugs me closer. I moan when the seat belt catches, stopping me from crawling into his arms, but also bringing me back to reality. I break the kiss, panting against his mouth.
“I meant that no one else could have you because you belong to me, Helene,” he explains. “I’ve loved you since I was eleven years old. It simply took me this long to figure out what was happening to me.”
“I need some time,” I say, shifting back so that some distance is put between us.
How much time? I have no idea. We’ve been apart for over two months now, and during the majority of that time, I was making major life changes. I moved out of my daddy’s house and in with Jenna. I’ve had to figure out how to make it on my own and before I could really sort all of that out, I found out I was pregnant. Everything has been so messed up, and I don’t know how all of this will turn out.
Tauren nods, scooting back over and buckling back up. He seems disappointed, frustrated even. As he drives, I consider my own words. I need some time. I don’t think I need more time to forgive Tauren. As much as I hate it, I understand why he did the things he did. Neither of us can change what happened or how we handled the aftermath.
What I need is more time to figure out who I am without him. Without my daddy. Without anyone telling me what to do or taking care of me.
I need time to figure out me.
Chapter Eighteen
Tauren
I stare at Jenna, my brow furrowed in confusion. I have no idea what she’s talking about, and I can tell that she realizes that because she explains it again.
“What the hell does that even mean?” I ask her. “She told me she needed time. I thought that meant time to forgive me. She needs time to figure herself out?”
“You’re a man, so you don’t get it,” Jenna says.
“Then explain it to me,” I tell her. “For the third time, but this time in plain fucking English.”
Jenna walks out onto her porch, closing her door behind her. I know Helene is inside because I dropped her off a couple of hours ago. She said she had to be at work at eight o’clock, so I came by to take her. She gave me the whole bit about needing time, and I accepted it, as much as I wanted to call bullshit.
Helene cannot deny the way she reacts to me, nor the way I react to her. We can dance around it for two more weeks, but nothing is going to change. Our feelings haven’t changed, despite our time apart. We can work through everything else.
“Helene has never had independence,” Jenna explains, and my jaw clenches. “And I’m not saying she needs independence to see other guys. Listen, okay? Pastor Jacobs called all the shots. He completely supported her financially, and now she’s having to figure out how to do that on her own.”
“I will pay for her and the baby,” I argue.
“That’s the thing, Tauren. She doesn’t want you to do that. She wants to be an equal to you, not have you taking care of her the way her daddy did. Do you realize she doesn’t even have a cell phone? No laptop either. Oh, and let’s not forget that asshole took her car.”
“Asshole is too nice of a word for what he is.”
“The point is, she needs to see that she can make it on her own and she hasn’t had the opportunity to do that yet.”
“She’s been on her own for weeks!” I argue. “She has a job, two if you count tutoring, and she practically lives here alone, seeing as you’ve moved in with Kaler!”
“I haven’t moved in with Kaler yet, and that’s not the point!” Jenna shoots back. “She doesn’t want to depend on anyone, not even you.”
“It sounds like she’s avoiding me,” I reply. “How the fuck can I win someone back who refuses to be around me?”
“She’s not refusing to be around you. She simply doesn’t want you driving her everywhere. She wants to figure things out on her own. As far as the baby goes, she is not leaving you out. Her wanting more time is about her not depending on you or anyone else,” Jenna says. “And you don’t have to win someone back when you never really lost them.”
“How can I help her then?” I ask.
“She’s looking for a car, so if you know anyone who has a cheap but reliable vehicle, then send them her way. I believe she’s getting a prepaid phone tomorrow, but I have no idea what she’s going to do about a laptop. She says she can keep using the library at the school, but I know she needs a laptop for tutoring.”
“Why can’t I go buy her a laptop?”
“Let me see if I can get this on terms you’ll understand,” Jenna sighs. “Do you remember when you raced that weekend in Birmingham that one time in high school?”
“Yeah, don’t remind me.”
“You won, but you later f
ound out the lead driver pulled back and let you pass him because he wanted out of the circuit. Wanted his sponsor to drop him.”
“I bragged to everyone about going into the city and winning a race, and then I found out that motherfucker let me win.”
“You refused to race at that location again and all because someone else had basically won the race for you.”
“If I get Helene a laptop, I’m winning the race for her.”
“Yes, so give her some time to figure things out because I promise you, she’s also figuring out how to tell you she forgives you. She loves you, Tauren. That’s not going to change no matter how much time you give her.”
I think about what she’s said, how I need to give Helene some time. I run my fingers through my hair and exhale a deep breath.
Then her last sentence reverberates through my brain. Helene loves me, and that won’t change. That fact makes it easy for me to make a decision about what I should do.
“Fuck it.”
Helene
I brush my ponytail and survey myself in the full-length mirror hanging in my room. I truly hate these shorts. I cannot see myself waddling around in them when I’m nine months pregnant and still trying to work. I need the job at Happy’s though. The income from my tutoring gigs alone isn’t enough for me to support a baby.
I’m weighing my financial options when I hear a commotion. If I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure Jenna is calling someone a moron. I start toward my door, but it’s flung open before I can get there. Tauren slams it shut, and I can hear Jenna’s huff from the other side.
“What are you ‒”
My question is cut short when Tauren’s mouth crashes over mine. He walks me backward, kissing me senseless, until my back presses against the wall with a thud. I moan against his lips, and he bites down on my bottom lip, not enough to cause me pain but enough to send a searing ache between my legs. An ache I know only he can soothe.
