by Lolah Lace
No warning at all. She tried to close the door in my face. I was too quick. My reflexes were unmatched. I pushed the door open and forced my way inside. I kicked the door shut before she could run. I had both of her arms in my hands. I lifted her off of her feet and twirled her around until her back hit the wall. I put her on her feet and pushed my body into hers.
“You promised you would never leave me.” I waited and she didn’t say anything. She just looked up at me. “What the fuck are you doing? I love you.” I was holding her arms to tight and when I realized it I swiftly let her go. I rested my hands on the walls on the sides of her face.
“Kat, you don’t love me anymore?” I thought it was a legitimate question since I was madly in love with her and I’d never been in love with anyone so maybe I was a young dumb bloke that didn’t know how to judge if she was ever in love with me.
She rose up on her toes and her hands grabbed the sides of my face. She pulled me down to her lips. Her tongue pierced through my lips and all the emptiness filled up with instant love. I closed my eyes and fell into her mouth. All my vital organs started working again. The brain started pumping through my veins. The cinder blocks fell off my chest. She cradled my face and drew me into her.
“Jagger, I will always love you. I will never leave you.”
Christ, this was a beginning the middle and the end for me.
Chapter 35
KATRINA
The London State of Mind Tour started in the middle of March. I arrived for the third show at O2 Arena. The guys had two more shows here. I didn’t know how they where going to pull off all of these back to back shows. I just go tired thinking about all the work they had to do.
The concert was phenomenal and the guys rocked out on stage. Two hours of nonstop dancing and singing. Colin and Jagger played the guitar together for one song and Jagger played piano solo for one of the ballads. I’d never seen Toxic Shock in concert. It was a massive extravaganza in front of twenty thousand screaming fans. Five nights here would add up to one hundred thousand fans.
I was seated in a private area but I was whisked away by security and escorted backstage before the end of the last song. I waited for Jagger in his dressing room. All the guys had there own private rooms.
I decided to wait for Jagger at the venue instead of meeting him back at the hotel. He was going to be awhile. The band did meet and greets after the performances. They were basically photo-ops for fans that knew someone or pay the extra money to get to be near the guys. While I was scrolling through my cell Jagger walked in. He was sweaty and winded. He was in his stage clothes. He had a white towel over his shoulder. He walked right over to me and kissed my cheek. His sweat landed on one side of my face.
“Are you doing the meet and greet?” I asked.
“No.” He wiped the sweat with the towel.
“Why?”
“I’m not feeling it.”
“Is your throat okay?”
“It’s rather scratchy but I’ll survive.”
“You sound different, a little horse. When are you going to see a doctor?”
“Tomorrow. A medical professional is going to swing by the hotel.”
“Good, you need your voice. You probably shouldn’t talk much. Is a real doctor coming or are you just saying that?”
“No, babe, I’m telling the truth.”
“Your voice is important.”
“I know. I’ve been drinking lemon tea. The doctor is coming. It’s maybe strained or inflamed vocal cords.”
“They can fix that right?”
“Hopefully. I didn’t have time to worry about it. Maybe it’s just a cold.”
“You couldn’t tell out there. Your voice was great. So you’re okay. You’re not worried.”
“If I lose my voice I have the ability to write songs for other artists. Which might be a blessing.”
“Don’t say that. You have a beautiful voice.”
“Have you come to some conclusion about having a baby with me?”
“Yes. I stopped taking birth control pills when we broke up.”
“That’s good right? You have to get take the fertility drugs so you can produce eggs. Are you taking the drugs yet? ”
“No, I don’t need the drugs. We’re not going to have a surrogate.”
“Why? I thought we agreed.”
“I’m pregnant already.”
“No.” He eyes grew to the size of saucers. His mouth hung open.
“Yes. I’m about six weeks.”
“This is the best bloody news. So they one time, the makeup sex did it.”
“It’s so early you can’t tell anyone. It’s the first trimester and because of my age it’s high risk.”
“Technically but you’re really healthy. I can’t bloody believe it. You’re pregnant.”
“I am.”
“I’m excited. Are you excited?”
“No, but I will get there.”
“Don’t worry. Positive vibes only.”
Jagger’s walked over grabbed my chin and kissed me. I wished I was sure I him. But this pregnancy was a complete surprise to me. I was days away from interviewing surrogates when I got this news. I just hoped he would keep it a secret. I needed to make sure I was going to carry this baby to term.
Chapter 36
ONE YEAR LATER
JAGGER
There was a deal made behind closed doors. Money could buy you anything and I had it. This cost me fifty thousand pounds. I would’ve paid more. I was stable. I was happy. I had a son. I had Kat. My life couldn’t get any better. There was always something missing, a hole that I couldn’t fill with awards, pretty things or my music. I needed closure. I had so many questions and absolutely no answers.
On this search, I may not receive the answers but I’d made the effort. I tried to get the answers. I tried to understand what was inevitably something that was beyond comprehension.
I thought long and hard about this arsehole. Maybe I shouldn’t do it. There was always the possibility that this meeting would trigger me, make me go back to that lifestyle that was detrimental to my health. I didn’t want to give this sit-down interrogation that much power over me.
I black truck with tinted windows picked me up. I didn’t have an entire security team. I had Charlie he was my must-trusted bodyguard. He was all I needed. I didn’t want too many people to know my whereabouts. This story would be a game-changer for any paparazzi, tabloid journalist, talk-show host or media outlet reporter. My privacy had been compromised many times before. I vowed that this time would be different.
I know I was an A-list celebrity and I gave up my right to privacy when I decided to share my talent with the world. I didn’t like it but I couldn’t complain. This was different. This was not for public consumption. This was something I just couldn’t share with the world. I needed my son to grow up and respect the man his father was. If my personal demons weren’t addressed my son would grow up and think I was a coward.
Riding in the truck with Charlie gave me time to think and reflect. I wanted to live to see my son grow into a man. I wanted to give him the world. I gave him the best mother. I wanted him to have an inner peace that I missed out on as a child.
There was so much secrecy surrounding this.
“Are you sure you want to do this sir?”
I sucked up all the air that occupied the back seat. “I don’t want to do it. I need to do it.”
“Hope it goes the way you want it to go.”
“I don’t have any expectations. It will probably be a shit-show.”
“I got your back no matter what.”
“Thanks,” His words were legit comforting.
I didn’t know if prayer was the right way to go into this. I had a temper and I promised I would keep my composure.
When we pulled on to the property I didn’t have a bad feeling. There was something in the night air that invigorated me. There was something inside me that shook my nerves to a place of tranquility. It
was on. It was time.
“Okay, sir. Let’s do this.”
Charlie shut the ignition off. He stepped out and I knew he was going to come around to open my door. I got out the back seat before he could make it around to me. There was no one out here. There was no need for to dog and pony show I had to put on for the public. I wasn’t in danger. I wasn’t helpless.
There was a calmness that came over me. Life was so precious and fleeting. That was one of the many lessons I learned after the birth of my son. In a heartbeat, I would give my life for him. I would take a life for him. Loving someone like that was scary.
Charlie looked at me for confirmation that I was going to go through with this confrontation. I was here and it was about to go down. I was going to square off and hope for a suitable outcome.
A few feet away from the truck was a plain white van. A corrections officer was sitting in the driver’s side. He couldn’t see my face and I couldn’t see his either. My contact person was standing by the door of the abandoned farmhouse.
I greeted her with a handshake.
“I wasn’t sure you were coming.”
“I wasn’t I was coming either.”
“The place has been swept. You have complete and total privacy.
I walked into the abandoned farmhouse. At the far end I saw him sitting there at a lone table. I slowly moved toward him. I took the vacant chair across the table. I started at him. He didn’t look like his photos. He was older, grayer, thinner.
“Jagger.” The way he said my name enraged me but I was determined to be on my best behavior. “I haven’t seen you since you were a little lad.”
I exhaled. “I appreciate you letting me come to see you.” I said.
“Your aunt Linda wrote me a letter. She said I owed her one. I’m in here. I owe a lot of people.”
“I guess I should just get right down to it.” I sighed heavily.
“All right.”
“Why did you kill my mum? I warn you. It would be best to be bloody honest with me. I’m not a kid anymore. I came for the truth. I can take the truth.”
“The truth?”
“Yes, I want the truth. Were you having an affair with my mum?”
“No, no, I wasn’t. Vicky would never, your mum would never be a cheater. Some of those papers made up that ridiculous story but it was all lies.”
“Why were you there, in our house?”
“I was there for the money.”
“Money?”
“Yea, I had burned my bridges with anyone I knew, my friends, my family. But Vicky was always nice to me. She was an angel. I was an addict. Not a regular recreational addict. I was strung out bad.”
“What drug?”
“My drug of choice was heroin and I would do anything for it. I started out fairly handsome and I sold my body for drugs. I’m not proud of it but I was a looker. After a few years, my looks were gone and I started stealing to feed my habit.”
“Why did you come to my mum?”
“I dated Vicky off and on in high school and a bit after. She was always nice to me. I went to her place for money. I thought no one was home. I knew you were on that kid’s show with the dinosaurs. You were the star. I knew you had to make a lot of money. I went there to steal a few pounds to get high. I didn’t think anybody would be home. There were no cars in the car park. I didn’t go there to hurt anyone—”
“But you had a gun.”
“I did. I stole it from a bloke in Newham. I needed it for my safety. I was homeless, sleeping on the streets. I’m not making excuses.”
“It sure sounds that way. Why did she have to die?”
“Your mum must’ve have been upstairs having a kip. I didn’t know and when she came down she startled me and the gun went off. It was dark in the house. I was so paranoid. The drugs made me paranoid. I turned to this figure and I pulled the trigger without even thinking. I got closer and saw it was Vicky.”
“Did she die instantly?” He looked away from me. “You were the last person to see my mum alive. Did she die instantly?
“Jagger, she, she was alive. She was gurgling on her own blood.”
“And you left her there to die alone?”
“No, I couldn’t leave her. I used to love your mum. She was a good person, a good mother. I’m sorry. I didn’t go there to kill her or anyone.”
“But you did, you’re a murderer.”
“I am. If I could go back and change things I would.”
“But you can’t. I’m an orphan because of you.”
“I heard about your father’s death. I’m sorry.”
“He couldn’t live without my mum and then he probably couldn’t live with this bloody secret.”
“I don’t know why he took his own life. I didn’t know much about the man but he stood by Vicky and was a father to you.”
“He did the best he could under the circumstances.”
“The circumstances?”
“I know who you are.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I know everything.”
“And you came to visit me anyway.”
“I had to see you. I needed to see the murderer of my mum and the man that made me.”
“I didn’t raise you. That Adkin’s fellow was your father and for good reason. I wasn’t fit to be anyone’s dad.”
“I agree. But here it is I’m looking at an older version of me. I never noticed the resemblance before. I went but and looked at the old news videos of you on the tele. Then you looked like I do now. You claim you weren’t having an affair with my mum.”
“I wasn’t. She dumped me after I’d gotten her pregnant. I was a drunken bum compared to Peter. He had a steady job and all the frills. I was without employment and still with my grandmother. I couldn’t tell the bloke to piss off. I didn’t want to tell ‘em that. Your father didn’t care that Vicky was pregnant by another. He was like all the men. He was in love with Vicky and he was willing to do whatever it took to be with her. Halfway through the pregnancy, she told me she was going to marry Peter Adkins and I was relieved. I wasn’t ready to be a husband and a father. I was a world-class fuck up. I’m in prison now and as you can see nothing changed through the years. I know you probably want this convoluted story of affairs to be true but it’s not. Vicky dropped me after she was pregnant with you. She was sodding serious about being a good mum and she barely spoke a few words to me after she was married to Peter Adkins. It’s okay to hate me. We may look alike but you’re nothing like me.”
I couldn’t look away from him. He was a stranger and he didn’t know me. He only knew what the media put out for him to see. I was an addict. I was just like the bastard that gave me life. I hadn’t taken a life but there were so many instances where I could’ve. Driving under the influence of drugs too many times to recollect.
“Jagger, you can be angry with me for everything. I deserve it. I’m the villain in your life story.
“You are. You are bloody scum.”
“I’ve had all these years to think about my life, my mistakes and I’m here where I belong. I found God here.”
“Am I supposed to give a shit that you found God? Your actions completely fucked my life up.”
“You’re right.”
“I have no parents, no siblings all because of a bloody addict.”
“This information you have about me, you should pretend that you don’t know it. I’m not going to tell anyone. What good would it do?”
“Why haven’t you sold your story to a tabloid? I’m a rich and famous celebrity.”
“I know your celebrity.”
“Well answer the question.”
“I took your mum’s life. At least I could do is bugger off and leave you be.”
“Am I supposed to thank you for not making a few quid off my name?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“What are you saying tosser?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I just didn’t want to c
ause you any more grief. I’m sorry I did this to you.”
“I don’t accept your bloody apology. My childhood was shitty because of you. My adult life was in shambles because of you. You have a fucking mother. I don’t.”
“I don’t know what to say to you.”
“Does your mum even know I exist?”
“Yes, I told her about you, your true parentage but I swore her to secrecy. She put her hand on the Bible. She’s secretly so proud of you. She has all your records, your DVDs, everything. She’s so proud.”
“I don’t even know this woman.”
“I know but she knows of you. I used to play piano and guitar as a lad. I even played footy. I had potential you know but then at a very early age, I fell in with the wrong crowd. I became a raging boozer, then came the drugs.”
“I have no sympathy for you. You are a shitty person. I hope you die in here. An eye for an eye, you took my mum’s life and what you did made the only dad I knew kill himself.”
“I know you hate me, but I’m the only parent you have left.”
“Parent, you can’t use that word.”
“I apologize. I just have all this time now to think about my life, my choices and my wrongdoings. I’m completely sober in here. I know that I should have been there for you when you were a baby. You’re my blood.”
“Blood. Really? How convenient now that I have money.”
“Your money doesn’t do much for me in here. I have at least another five years before they will even consider me for parole. You always had money. You were doing the commercials before you could walk. Vicky would take pity on me and tell me things. She was so proud of you. You were her special boy. Once I was on a bender and I begged her to let me see you. It was before you started primary school. She told me to be at the pub across from the park round her neighborhood. She was going to take you to the park and let me watch from across the way. Vicky thought I didn’t show up but I did. I was watching from the motorway bridge.”
“I’ve had enough of this family reunion.”
“It’s a lot to come to terms with. I thought I would die and never see you again. I thank God.”
