“I thanked her and drove right down to the toy store and I bought that doll. I bought a cake mix and pink icing and hamburger meat. We had dinner that night, then I surprised you with the doll. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, but I did one good one. The look on your face when you opened that box has stayed with me all these years. On lonely nights, I’ve taken that memory out of the box and watched it over and over.”
“I’m sorry I can’t remember,” Autumn said.
“I wouldn’t expect you to.”
“You left soon after that, didn’t you?”
“That’s right. After that day when I shriveled up like that slug, it was like something switched off in me. The demons I’d fought all my life, the ones that wanted to pull me under, they took over. I can’t explain it other than to say it was a dark hole, like I’d been buried alive and didn’t even care. Depression is like the devil. He whispers to you how worthless you are, how your children would be better off without you. One of the men I cleaned for had hit on me for years. Redman. Everyone called him Red. About a month after your birthday, I finally said yes. A few weeks later I left with him. We moved to Eugene, and you know the rest.”
Neither spoke. Autumn stared at the uneven pattern in her granite.
“I can see you trying to forgive me,” Valerie said. “But I understand why you can’t.”
“There’s a hole inside me. I think the hole is you. Not you, but the absence of you.”
“I never stopped loving you. I simply couldn’t love myself. I was an unfit mother.”
Autumn’s eyes blurred from tears. One dropped onto the granite. “Kyle left me, too. I had to find him, like a detective. He didn’t want to be found.”
“I’m sorry, honey.”
“I’ve forgiven him, but it took a while,” Autumn said.
“There’s hope, then?”
Autumn smiled. “Talking like this, hearing more about what you experienced, helps. With Kyle, I was there with him. I knew how much the accident messed him up, because it did me too.”
“If I’d been well, I never would have left,” Valerie said. “I’m well now. I’m here now.”
Autumn’s vision blurred with unshed tears as she looked up at her mother. “I’m glad you’re better. I’m glad you’re here now.”
Valerie crossed around the island and took her into her arms. Autumn was stiff at first, but after a second, she leaned into the hug and let herself be loved. “I don’t deserve a second chance, but thank you for giving me one. I’ll spend the rest of the time I have left making it up to you.”
“Mom, it’s all right. I’m all right.”
“You’re my beautiful baby girl, and I love you.”
“I love you too,” Autumn said. Tears leaked from her eyes, soaking the fabric of her mother’s blouse.
After they parted, Valerie pointed at the package of ground beef. “Would you like to know the secret to my meatballs?”
“There’s a secret?” Autumn sniffed.
Valerie smiled and shook her head. “Not really. There were a lot of secrets in our family, but the meatball recipe wasn’t one of them.”
“Secrets are overrated.”
“Amen.”
They smiled at each other as Valerie smoothed Autumn’s hair away from her face. “I’d like to try to fill that hole.”
“It feels a little smaller already,” Autumn said, ducking her head, suddenly shy. “A few meatballs might help too.”
Later, after Valerie had retired to the guest room, Autumn brought her laptop into bed with her. She wanted to write to Art before she went to sleep, hoping that writing it all down would help her sort through her tumbled thoughts. Before she could start an email, her phone buzzed with a call from Trey. Her pulse raced at the sight of his name and photo flashing on the screen.
“Hi, Trey.” Why did her voice sound wobbly and strange? This was Trey. She talked to him multiple times a day.
“Hey. Just checking in. Everything good?”
“Yes, fine. I had a busy day, then dinner with my mom for her last night here.”
“How’d that go?”
“Good. We talked about some stuff.”
“Yeah?” he asked. “Anything important?”
“Just rummaging through the past.” She didn’t want to get into it over the phone. “What about you?”
“Stone and I helped Rafael move the rest of their things to the new house, then we cleaned the apartment to get it ready for your mom.”
“What about your place? Are you an empty nester?”
Trey chuckled. “Yes. Stone and Pepper finished moving their things out yesterday. My mom and sister arrive day after tomorrow.”
“Are you excited to have them?”
“Sure. Mom told me she’s going to buy a place as soon as she can. She already accepted an offer on the house in San Diego. I predict she’ll buy a place here before the end of the summer. Stone thinks there are a few houses about to go on the market that might suit her. My sister, on the other hand, will probably be here for a while.”
“Did you talk to Zane or Kyle about a job for her?”
“I mentioned it to Zane, and he told me to have her come by the brewery when she’s ready. He thinks he can find a spot for her.” There was an awkward lull in the conversation. “Are you sure everything’s all right? You sound weird.”
Could he really hear it in her voice?
“I’m fine. Tired, maybe.”
“I’ll let you get some rest. But before we hang up—I wondered if you wanted to do something tomorrow? It’s Sunday. Maybe a Sunday drive somewhere? I heard about a new Mexican place with amazing fish tacos in Stowaway.”
She thought for a moment. When she told him the truth about her feelings, where did she want to be? Here. Here in the home he’d helped her create. “Actually, I’m in the mood to cook. Come for dinner. We can make fish tacos here.”
“Sure. Sounds great.”
“Trey?”
“Yeah?”
“Never mind. It can wait until tomorrow.”
“Good night. Sleep well. Is the alarm on?”
“Yes, it is. Night.”
After they hung up, she scrolled through the photos on her phone. So many of them were of Trey. The entirety of their time together documented right here on her screen, from photos of their shopping excursions during her cottage decoration until last week in San Diego. It didn’t take a psychic to see how she felt about him, given the dozens of photos of his face. What had she been thinking all these months? Her denial was as thick as morning fog on a Cliffside Bay summer morning.
Art. She wanted to tell Art all that had happened. He’d been right all along. She set aside the phone and pulled her computer onto her lap.
* * *
Dear Art,
I had a strange day, one that’s left me wrung out emotionally and a little uncertain as to how to proceed. My mother moves to her new apartment tomorrow. Tonight, she surprised me by coming home with the ingredients for spaghetti and meatballs, my favorite when I was a little girl. A memory came back of the birthday I turned four, right before she left us. She told me more of what it was like for her. The picture she painted of her life with my father, of her dark depression, made everything clearer for me. I’ve seen it only through my own eyes. The eyes of a child who missed her mother. A child who never knew what life would have been like with a mother.
We made meatballs together after our talk and spoke of more mundane subjects, like our favorite movies and books. Turns out, she reads a lot, just like me. She told me she’s traveled all over the world in books, even though before she moved to California, she’d never been out of the state of Oregon.
The evening was strange but so very sweet. Cooking dinner with my mom was never an event I ever thought I’d experience. We have a long way to go. I mean, she’s still foreign to me. But tonight, I could see how our relationship might grow strong, maybe even close.
All that got me thinking about
how hard it’s been for me to trust that people won’t eventually leave. My abandonment issues run through me like blood itself. Which leads to the next thing I want to tell you.
I spent the afternoon with Pepper, Lisa, and Maggie. They told me Trey has feelings for me. Or rather, he’s in love with me. According to them, he has been for a long time.
They wanted to know if those feelings were reciprocated. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t think straight. I came home and sat outside on my patio and watched the waves roll in and all the happy people on the beach and I finally admitted to myself that, yes, I have feelings too. Ones I’ve stifled and hidden, even from myself, because the idea of losing him is terrifying.
All my feelings for him are mixed up with my mom and Kyle leaving. But I have to be braver than this. I have to tell him I love him, too. The idea of it makes me want to throw up. Not kidding. But the girls assured me his feelings are strong and real. If I don’t tell him how I feel, we’ll never move forward. Isn’t that true in all relationships, if you think about it? Even in friendships, we keep so much inside. I wonder what would happen if we all said what we felt? Not the petty stuff, but the big stuff.
I’ll close now. I hope you’re well. Write when you can.
007
13
Trey
* * *
The next morning, Trey woke to an email from 007. His hands grew wet with perspiration as he read the last two paragraphs.
He read it again, then again. After the sixth time, he pushed away from his desk and went into the living room. He paced around the room. She loved him. She loved him.
What did he do now?
The place looked the same without Pepper and Stone living here, but it was quieter without Pepper’s swift energy and Stone’s calming presence. At this moment, he missed them with a fierceness he hadn’t expected. They would know what he should do. They would help him plot out his next move.
He needed all the Wolves. Needed their advice. They’d helped get him in this mess, and maybe they’d know what to do now. He sent a group text.
Emergency Wolves meeting at The Oar. Meet there at noon.
He sent that off and then stood at the window staring out to the parking lot below. Autumn loved him.
Later, he entered The Oar and sauntered up to the bar. Sophie, from behind the counter, smiled at him. “What’s up?”
“Can I get a large pitcher of Dog’s IPA?”
“Sure. Grab a table. I’ll bring it out to you.”
He was happy to see that their favorite table in the back was open and grabbed an extra chair to make sure there were enough seats for all five.
Sophie, blond ponytail bouncing on top of her head, plopped the pitcher and five glasses down in front of him. “Should I bring Nico a glass of wine?”
“How’d you know it would be all the Wolves?”
“Five chairs gave you away,” she said.
“Wait until he gets here,” Trey said. “He might not be in the mood for wine.”
She gave him a knowing smile. “He’s always in the mood for wine.” The way she said it made him think the word wine could be substituted for me. He’d been so preoccupied with Autumn and 007 that he’d completely neglected his friendship with Nico. What was going on between these two?
“What?” she asked. “You’re looking at me weird.”
“Was I?”
“You sure were.” She frowned as she poured him a glass of beer from the pitcher. “I don’t know why everyone thinks Nico and I are such a bad idea.”
“Everyone?”
“My brother. My dad. All the Dogs.”
“How do you know the Dogs think it’s a bad idea?”
“Zane told me,” she said.
“Well, for the record, I think you guys would be awesome together.”
She pursed her full lips. “What about the other Wolves?”
He shrugged. “I’m not sure any of us is against it.” Except maybe Nico himself.
“I’m not too young for him,” she said. “I’m mature for my age. I’ve already carried a baby for heaven’s sake.”
While being a virgin.
He kept that observation to himself. “What’s Nico think?” Trey asked. “That’s the most important question.”
“He thinks I’m too young,” she said. “But that doesn’t keep him from wanting me.”
“So, are you guys…?” He let the question trail off, figuring she knew exactly what he was asking.
“No, we’re not sleeping together. As much as I’ve tried, he keeps me at arm’s length. Trust me, I’ve made a complete fool of myself over that man. To no avail.” Tears swam in her eyes.
She has it bad for him. Nico was an idiot to pass this woman up over something as trivial as age.
“Sophie, you could have any man you wanted.”
“Not true. I can’t have the one I want.”
“You’re drop-dead gorgeous, sweet, smart, and fun. If Nico’s too much of a dolt to look past the age thing, it’s his loss.”
“No, it’s my loss.” A lone tear leaked from one eye. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone in my life. And all he wants is friendship.”
“Trust me. I get it.” He took a sip of his beer, then wiped foam from his mouth. “Listen, no promises, but I’ll talk to him. Honestly, I’ve been so self-obsessed lately that I haven’t had a chance to spend time with him.”
“Would you put a good word in for me?” she asked, so hopeful it made his gut ache.
“Of course I will.” He patted her arm. “But can I give you a little advice?”
“Sure.”
“It’s really your brother and your father you need to talk to. I know Nico pretty well—we’ve been friends since we were eighteen—and if he had their blessing, he’d go for it. Word on the street, Zane kind of semi-threatened him.”
“What did you say?” If he hadn’t known better, he would have sworn smoke came out of her shell-like ears. “Zane did what?”
Trey cleared his throat. Had he just stepped in it or what? “He had a little talk with him one night. Right after Nico moved here and it seemed like you two might hook up.”
“Oh my God. I’m going to kill him.” She placed her hands on her hips. “Did he threaten him? Like physically?”
“I believe it was more of the ‘I’ll run you out of town if you touch my very young sister’ type of thing.”
“I actually might kill,” Sophie said.
“Nico’s an old-fashioned guy. He would never want to get in the way of family,” Trey said. “Not to mention that Zane and his friends kind of rule this town. We’re building a business and need their support.”
“Zane Shaw has no right to threaten anyone when it comes to me. I’m a grown woman. I date whomever I please.”
“In Zane’s defense, he’s just trying to protect you. He doesn’t know Nico from Adam.”
Stone and Rafael arrived then, and Sophie scampered away, her cheeks flushed bright pink.
“Sophie okay?” Rafael asked. “She looked upset.”
Stone settled his long frame into a chair, dwarfing it as usual. “Let me guess. It has something to do with Nico.”
Before Trey could answer, Nico and David walked into the bar and headed their way.
“What’s up, bro?” Nico asked, taking the chair next to Trey.
“I have a problem.” Trey laid it all out there: the ladies telling Autumn about his true feelings; her subsequent email to him; his uncertainty about what to tell her about Art.
“Holy crap. I knew she loved you,” Stone said. “I don’t know whether to wring my big-mouth fiancée’s neck or kiss her.”
“I say you have Art tell her he can’t write any longer,” Rafael said. “He’s going somewhere without internet or something.”
“I agree,” Nico said. “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her. Or you, as the case may be.”
David shook his head, slowly. “I’m not sure about that. Secrets and li
es have a way of messing everything up.”
“True,” Nico said. “But this is such a harmless one.”
“Totally.” Stone leaned forward to pour a glass of beer from the pitcher.
“There’s something bothering me,” Trey said. “The way she opens up to Art in those emails is way more than she ever has to me.”
“Why do you think that is?” Stone asked in a way that implied Trey knew the answer, which he didn’t.
“I don’t know,” Trey said.
Stone closed his eyes for a moment, as if Trey were a slow, slow learner. “Am I going to have to mansplain this to you?”
“Apparently,” Trey said, growing more annoyed by the second.
“The reason she opened up to you is because Art opened up to her.” Stone looked around the table. “You boys need to take a chapter from the old Stone playbook. Talk to women like they do one another and you’ll have their hearts.”
“Wait a minute,” Rafael said. “When did you get so smart about women? Weren’t you the one who said they misunderstood you?”
Stone grinned and raised both eyebrows triumphantly. “That’s before I tamed a wild Pepper.”
“You’ve hardly tamed her,” Nico said. “She went all rogue on us and told Autumn about Trey’s secret.”
“Okay, well, that’s true,” Stone said. “But we’re losing focus here. Trey, Autumn loves you. Go get her.”
“I feel super worried about the Art thing,” Trey said. “If she finds out, she might lose trust in me. She’s skittish. Afraid to be left.”
“Then don’t tell her,” Stone said. “I’m her brother, and I’m telling you, forget it. She loves you, man. That’s all that matters.”
Trey looked around the table. The rest of the Wolves seemed to be in agreement.
“Go get the girl,” Rafael said.
“Sweep her off her feet,” Nico said. “Flowers and wine. Kiss her in her kitchen.”
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