Charlie had her visor down, and she kept looking nervously at me. I knew it had to do with Alex.
"How was she?"
She let out a huge puff of air, as if she was bracing herself for what was about to happen.
"She's not okay."
I froze, fear trickled through my body. Was it a mistake leaving her? Did she do something to hurt herself? Did something happen to her?
Charlie, reading my mood, quickly added, "I mean, physically she's fine, but I had no idea she'd gotten that detached. I talked to her about the hospital idea, and then I talked with her about another program one of my client's volunteered for. It's a live-in-program that works with women who have been sex trafficked. She decided to go. We brought her there a few days ago. I'm sorry, Ace. She's gone."
Gunner breathed a sigh of relief. "She's going to get help. That's good. What do you know about this place?"
"I'll give you all of the information they gave me when we signed her in. I'm certain she's already been transferred to her house. They don't give out the locations of their support homes, because they feel that with women who have been trafficked, they need to keep it secret. They need complete anonymity. They need to learn how to cope with their trauma, and then they'll need to learn how to do basic things like cooking and looking after themselves. Each person is unique, and so the amount of time they stay in the program will be different."
With every word she spoke, I felt a small part of me closing down. She was gone. Just like that. I should've never gone to Colombia. I should've stayed and tried to help her. She couldn't wait to leave. She had no idea if we had made it out okay, but she left anyway.
I GRUNTED AS I MOVED through the door.
"You good, brother?"
I grunted again and nodded to Reggie that it was fine for him to leave. I was more than a little drunk. Oksana was able to fish that piece out of my leg, but in doing so, she had to cut it open further. That required a whole lot of booze and caused a whole lot of pain.
Reggie didn't leave. He led me towards the couch and helped me down.
"I'll check on you tomorrow," he said quietly as he retreated, leaving me all alone. Alone in a house, she was supposed to be in, but wasn't. The room began to spin, and my eyes grew heavy. I never got drunk, but this was one occasion where I didn't mind not having my wits about me.
I followed Jana down the hall. "This way," she said, leading us down yet another hallway. She opened a door, and we were in a room filled with Insurgents. Guns were trained on us.
"I'm sorry," she said, and she suddenly became Alex morphing before my eyes.
"No," I screamed. Knowing they would shoot her. Not Alex. No.
Blood trickled over my eye. I was hit in the head. How had I not noticed? They had a gun pointed at her head. "Forgive me, I had to do it," Alex cried, and just like that, they were pulling the trigger.
I awoke with a start. The urge to vomit roiled through my guts and I jumped off of the couch. Pain shot up my leg as I moved to the bathroom and emptied my stomach. I washed my face and stared at myself in the mirror, telling myself that it was just a dream. She's safe somewhere getting help.
Fuck. My hands shook, grasping the counter. Bad dreams were no stranger to me, but this one was more whack than usual. Typically, I'd work out, but given my leg situation, I couldn't do that. I took a few more calming breaths and painfully moved to the kitchen. I poured a glass of water and took a few ibuprofens along with a handful of vitamins. I set the glass down on the counter and noticed an envelope with my name scrawled across it. It was from her. I knew it.
I sat at the stool and carefully opened it. I was both anxious and afraid of what the words would say.
Dear Ace,
If you're reading this, then you made it back safely, which, somehow, because of who you are, I had little doubt.
I'm sure you are shocked and mad right now that I'm not there. I'm sorry. I had to leave.
I don't know why it was this last time that broke me, but it did. Every day, I've felt like I've fallen deeper and deeper into a dark hole that I can never get out of. I'd have times like this in my life before you, but I could always see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. There's no more light, Ace. It's completely dark, and I'm drowning in it. I don't want to exist. Every part of me just wants to disappear into thin air. I don't think about killing myself because that's too much effort, I just want to be gone from this world, from my body.
And I know that it's not okay, but I can't stop thinking this way.
I'm hurting you. I hurt Reggie. I hurt Gun, because I'm not who I was just a few short weeks ago. I'm hurting Gunner and Charlie too. I've never had people who cared about me, and hurting you all makes the darkness worse.
When I think about this and the promise of what we could've been, that's another loss—one I'm utterly sorry for, because I wish I wasn't broken, and I wish I could be the kind of woman who deserves a man like you. But I'm not, and I'm so incredibly sorry.
I always hoped for a fairy tale and to have my happily ever after, but my tower has long since crumbled, and I can't help but feel buried beneath the rubble.
You told me that I needed to find myself and who I wanted to be. I can't do that here. I have to go somewhere else and figure this out. I have to find some light.
What you've done for me and the bond that we shared will always mean the most to me. I don't know if I'll see you again or where this journey will take me, but I knew I owed you an explanation. I owe you so much. I owe you my life.
You are the most beauty my world has ever seen, and I hope that one day I'll feel like I can be the kind of woman you deserve, but I just don't know.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and understand why I need to do this.
Goodbye,
Alex
I don't know how long I sat there or how many times I read the letter. I wanted to be angry at her for leaving, but I couldn't. How could I blame her for wanting to get better? It just fucking sucked, because I knew we never had a real chance to become something. I knew deep in my bones that I wasn't sure if I could ever let anyone in again. There would be a hole in my life without her in it. It seemed absurd, because the reality was, she wasn't in it for that long. Still, I'd forever miss her. And I prayed that wherever she was, she would find happiness.
Chapter Thirty
Ace Eighteen Months Later
"Speech," Donnie yelled, "And do it quick, so I can eat."
"Dude, didn't you just scarf down a sub from Magliano's?" Knuckles mocked, getting a grin from Donnie.
"Fine." Shane climbed on a barstool and stood on top of the bar. "This club is and always will be a brotherhood. Each and every one of you has helped make us what we are. You should all be proud of yourselves. You built this. This is for us," Shane shouted the last part and tipped his head back, taking his beer with him as he gulped it down. Men shouted, “Salute,” and drank. I sat in the back of the room, observing our new bar.
We'd always hoped to have a bar where the men could hang out and spend time. We were able to buy a building next to ours, and had spent several months turning it into something spectacular. Then, we had to wait for months to get our liquor license approved.
"I got a surprise," Gunner shouted over the cheers.
The room immediately quieted, and Vinnie, one of our newer recruits, yelled, "Charlie's not pregnant again, is she?"
Charlie sat in a booth with her three-month-old baby girl Alexandria tucked under her shirt, nursing.
"No, I'm not pregnant!" Charlie yelled irritably.
"Sorry, Mouse," Gunner apologized for Vinnie. "Reggie, you ready?"
Reggie nodded and walked out of the room. He was still waiting on a new eye, but he didn't wear his patch any longer. A minute later, Reggie came back into the bar. He was pushing something large on wheels that was covered with a tan blanket. Finally, he stopped once he was in front of Gunner.
"Thought this was fitting." Gunner's smil
e beamed. Honestly, I was slightly jealous of him. He had his woman and family, and things were finally going right for him. I was happy for him as well, but I still longed for the one woman who was lost to me. Eighteen months and nothing. I had accepted it a while back, but that didn't mean I was all right with it.
With Reggie’s help, Gunner pulled off the blanket. There was a huge neon blue sign that read, Scars, and under that, it read bikers welcome. We'd voted on the name and thought that shortening our club name for the bar would be fitting.
A few people clapped and hollered. There were some whistles and some calls for shots. The celebration of Scars was kicking off, and I knew that it would be a long night. I kicked back in the shadows. I watched Charlie. Her baby girl, Alexandria, was now being passed around. Grown men cooed. Her dark hair peeked out from under her little hat. Every time I saw, my chest got tight. They named her Alexandria, and I knew she would eventually become an Alex. She had the same dark hair as my Alex, and even though she was just a baby, she resembled her aunt.
In the last year and a half, the Hades Runners had become non-existent. No one knew what happened to Hades. I wasn't even sure. I tried to find a trace of him, but if he was still alive, he was living like a ghost.
I had also done what I'd promised myself I would do. About six months ago, I took off to Russia, and tracked down Sokolov. It was every bit as painful as I needed it to be. I started with crushing his windpipe, and then I made him bleed. I made him beg. I not only did it for Alex, but I did it for me. He did that to her. He took her from me.
A few of the old ladies began to line the bar with food. The spice from chicken wings permeated the air. I figured I'd better eat since I wasn't up for drinking. I stood and grabbed a paper plate. I was headed for the food when Gunner approached me. "You got a second?"
I set my plate down and asked, "What's up?"
He nodded with his head for us to move to one of the booths in the back. I sat across from him,alert because he peeled at his label on his beer. That right there spoke volumes about where his nerves were.
"Spit it out," I clipped. His silence irritated me.
"We've been talking to Alex for the last few months. It started on the phone. She'd call, and we'd talk about once a week. Then, we visited her last month."
My chest constricted. "How is she?" I croaked, knowing that simple question gave too much away.
"She's good. Beyond good, actually. It's like she's a different person altogether."
Relief surged through me. She was okay. I released a long breath, one I'd seemed to have been holding since I first read her goodbye letter.
“We've asked her to come back home. We don't have the space for her since the baby, but she said she wants to get an apartment. Something small."
That stung since I clearly had space. It just reiterated that I needed to move the fuck on.
"Happy for her." I looked at him and realized he missed his sister. "For you too."
"I'm going to get something to eat," I said, standing up from the booth. I didn't want to talk about her. I was glad she was doing well. It also hurt that I hadn't heard from her.
Gunner nodded in understanding and let me be. I needed to be alone. I knew I'd been doing that more and more, but tonight was different. I knew she was safe. I had to let that be enough, and I needed to make peace with it.
I LOOKED AROUND MY silent house. It was too quiet, nearly deafening. I needed to ride, and I needed to do it soon. Not just around town either. I was going to get out of town for a while. Head west. I'd been in my head for too long. I was too torn up about Alex. I had to leave, and I needed to clear my head.
Sighing, I locked my door and climbed on my bike, backing out of my garage. It was time I told the brothers I was going. I'd be back eventually, but since we had a huge influx of cash and Hades was gone, we didn't have much to worry about these days. I wasn't really needed.
The ride to the clubhouse was quick. The air was warm against my skin, and by the time I got to Scars, I needed to take my bandana from my back pocket and wipe the sweat from my temple.
I walked in and froze. Standing close to Gunner with her head thrown back laughing was Alex. She didn't notice me, and I didn't approach them. I didn't want to be seen. I sulked to a dark corner of the room where I could watch her.
She was different. Something about the way she moved was less stiff, more real. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She wore loose-fitting jeans that still fit her hips but had a straight baggy leg and a black T-shirt that was one of ours. It read "Scars" in bold pink letters, and below that, it read "Where bikers and beers meet." There was a deep V neck that showed off ample cleavage. It was just there, though, not like she was trying to show it off, or trying to prove something. Her hand moved to Gunner's shoulder. She patted his arm so casually, it was as if she no longer thought about touching people. It used to feel like every touch was controlled, but here she did it easily.
The door to the bar opened, and Charlie and Gun walked in. He had his backpack slung over his shoulder and was carrying the baby carrier for Charlie. In the last year, Gun had really started to shoot up. He nearly looked like a teenager, and he had begun to act more mature too. It was weird. I watched as his face broke out in a massive grin once he spotted his dad and aunt. He said something to Charlie that I couldn't hear, and passed Alexandria to his mom. Then, he was moving quickly to Alex and throwing his arms around her waist. There was the little kid I was used to seeing. His face beamed, and she smiled down at him. I couldn't hear what was being said, but I silently watched on as Charlie approached Gunner, kissed him on the cheek, and then went about unstrapping the baby from the carrier.
That was another thing of beauty, watching Alex look at her niece with fascination and awe. Her smile beamed. Charlie tried to hand Alexandria to her, and Alex shook her head. Gun insisted, and a moment later, the baby was placed in Alex's arms.
I wasn’t going to interrupt, or make this about me. This was their moment with their family. I wasn't anything to her, but still, watching her hold that baby made me smile. It was the first genuine smile I'd had in Lord knew how long. Her face softened, and her mouth formed a small circle. I imagined she was cooing, but I couldn't hear her. I wondered if she'd ever held a baby before.
As if somehow sensing me, she looked up from the baby and directly at me. Our eyes locked, those soft eyes were trained on me. I gave her a small lift of my chin. She smiled at me and looked back down at the baby, who had grabbed a strand of her hair and seemed to be tugging on it hard.
With her head down and her eyes averted, I decided to leave and let her have time with her family. I slunk out of the booth and exited through the back, so I didn't have to walk past her. She'd seen me, but I feared that if I was that close to her, I'd grab her in my arms and hug her. The relief of how in one piece she looked was overwhelming. I desperately wanted to hear her voice. It had been so long since I’d heard it.
Maybe I was being a coward as I walked outside around the bar and back to the front, but it didn't matter. I was trying to do what was best.
I threw a leg over my bike and was about to turn the key when the door to the bar was thrown open, and Alex stood there.
"Ace, wait!" she said my name and the sound of her voice made me close my eyes, savoring it. I opened them, and she'd taken several steps closer to me.
"Hey, Princess." I smiled at her, unable to help myself. "You look good. Are you getting settled all right?" It was small talk, and I knew it. I fucking hated small talk.
"Yeah," she answered. "I'm doing good." She stepped closer to me, and I felt my breathing pick up. She still affected me, maybe more so now than before.
"It's good to see you." I started my bike. The loud roar of the pipes became noise between us. She didn't seem to care. I wanted to get out of there, but she transfixed me.
She stepped closer and reached out to place her hand on my arm. Her touch was like a tether, and I wanted to yank on it and pull her to me. She
looked like she wanted to say something, but was at a loss for words. Maybe the touch did something to her too. Finally, after an awkward second of silence, she spoke, "Thank you again for everything you did for me. I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye in person, I just had to."
I stared at her eyes, not wanting to offer her my forgiveness. Not even sure why I didn't, but I needed to say something.
"It helped being gone?"
"It really did," she replied.
"Well, then it was worth it."
I backed out of the spot and left her standing there. I could feel her eyes on me as I pulled away, but I wouldn't look back. I couldn't. I also knew there was no way in hell I'd be heading west. I might not have her anymore, but there was no way that I could leave with her this close.
Chapter Thirty-One
Alex
"What did he say?" Charlie asked. We were sitting in a booth in the back of Scars. I couldn't believe the guys built a brand-new bar right next to their club!
I took a sip of my soda, unsure of what to say. "It was kind of odd."
"How so?"
"First, he's so damn attractive. I mean, I remembered him being hot, but he's this beautiful giant man."
Charlie grinned. "Go on."
"I don't know. I guess I built up this reunion in my head."
"I'm guessing it didn't live up to that?"
"He seemed different, somehow."
"Well, you're different."
I took another sip of my soda, and I could tell she sensed my discomfort when she changed the conversation.
"How's Erin adjusting?" Erin was a woman I'd met, and had become friends with. When I decided I was going to move back here, I asked her if she wanted to come. She said yes, and we became roommates.
"It's going good. She's looking for a job, but that seems to be challenging since she was taken at fourteen. She doesn't have a whole ton of experience. She's still taking the online classes that were offered to her."
Explosive (A Bleeding Scars MC) Page 20
