by K. K. Allen
At this point, my emotions are almost overwhelming. I let my fingers do the storytelling as I play the acoustic version of my mother’s greatest hit, “Innocence.”
* * *
Destruction finds me at every turn
I’ve gotten good at running
But there’s nothing more to learn
Just let the fire burn
Just let the fire burn
* * *
Ashes carried with the wind
That’s me, floating away
You tell me there’ll be better days
I have nothing left to say
Just let me float away
Just let me float away
* * *
You made me, saved me, destroyed me
Wanted nothing but the best
But what about the rest?
What about me? What about my innocence?
What about my dreams? What about my fairytale life?
There’s no pause, no stop, no rewind
My innocence was left behind
* * *
Tossed overboard, it’s sink or swim
You love me, but it’s me or them
Whether I’m standing tall, or forgetting it all
Now I face it all alone
I face it all alone
* * *
You made me, saved me, destroyed me
Wanted nothing but the best
But what about the rest?
What about me? What about my innocence?
What about my dreams? What about my fairytale life?
There’s no pause, no stop, no rewind
My innocence was left behind
* * *
Tears are streaming down my face by the time the song is over, and Wolf is pulling me into his arms. He already knows why I’m crushed by the words of my mother’s song. It was my way of dealing with my pain at the time. Lyrics are supposed to heal, but this song didn’t heal me. Instead, it was stolen and used to propel Destiny’s career.
I don’t have to tell Wolf anything more, but I choose to anyway.
“After that night, she took off for a while. It wasn’t anything unusual, but I remember feeling disappointed. I thought we’d bonded, and then she just … got busy. Two months later, I was driving home from school when my song came on the radio. A music video came out that same day.
“My first reaction was excitement. I was ecstatic that Destiny loved my song enough to record it. I waited for her to call to tell me the big news or come home so we could celebrate. Back then, I didn’t want to believe my mother was capable of something so horrible.” I let out a sarcastic laugh. “I was a pathetic kid. I convinced myself that she put the song out there to surprise me. Because she was proud of me.
“When she finally came home a month later, she brought her soon-to-be-released album with her. Wolf, I listened to the entire thing and almost died. Every single song came from my songbook. She was recording my compositions when I wasn’t paying attention. And then she added in her Auto-Tune crap and ruined most of them.”
“Babe, I’m sorry.” He’s rubbing my back, throat thick with emotion.
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and shake my head. “She’s horrible. I can’t tell you how many times I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Every time I approached her about my songs, she was either too busy to talk or she would wave me off like I was being ridiculous. When she realized I wasn’t going to drop the subject, she just stopped coming home.
“I didn’t see her again until I was packing for Seattle. She’d missed my birthday, didn’t even realize I had graduated. And then she had the audacity to try and stop me from moving by telling me she missed 'collaborating’ with me.” I laugh dryly.
“She’s my mother, but I hate her for what she did to me. I couldn’t trust anyone after that. She sucked my dreams of becoming a professional songwriter right out of me and tossed them out the window. I’ve never been able to stop writing lyrics, but sharing my music … that wasn’t something I was ever going to do again. And I didn’t … until you.”
I smile at him because I’m happy that things turned out the way they did, even if the reasons behind it are awful.
“You were furious when you heard me sing your song,” he says, as if everything finally clicks for him. “You must have been dying inside. If I had known any of this—”
I shake my head. “What you did and what my mom did are two completely separate things. You know why I gave you my song? It wasn’t because you told me you liked it or because I had the hots for you. It was because you gave me the choice. I still wasn’t ready for the world to know I wrote it, but it thrilled me that it was out there.”
The crushed look on his face shifts to hopeful. “Really? I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I ever made you feel the way Destiny did. That’s just … evil.”
I nod. “I know.” It’s like a dagger hits my heart every time I have to agree with that statement, but it’s true. “Now you know why I hid my music from the world and why I will always try to hide it from my mother.”
“You have every right to hate that woman for what she did to you,” Wolf says. “It’s a shitty thing to take something that isn’t yours. Something so personal. No sane mother would ever do that to her child.”
I lean into Wolf. He’s so warm, and his hold is strong. It makes me feel strong, too. “She treats me like an accessory that she uses only when she needs me. She never cared about my well-being or how I was doing in school. If I got sick, she had someone else tend to me for fear of getting sick herself. What kind of mother would hate her child so much to never care to see them, or wonder about them, or want them around?”
His chin rests on the top of my head and it moves as he talks. “A horrible one, Lyric. You realize her actions don’t reflect on you, right? She sounds like an unhappy and selfish woman who lives in an alternate reality. I don’t know, maybe that’s where she met Crawley.”
This makes me laugh a little, and Wolf smiles in response.
“She’ll forever miss out on true happiness because she already had it,” he says. “It was within her grasp, and she destroyed it without a second thought. The way I look at it, I feel sorry for her. But Lyric, you were put on this earth to do better than her. Your father seems to make up for some of her awfulness.”
I snort sarcastically. “Well, he may be a hell of a lot better than my mother, but he’s still the one who dumped me on her.”
“He’s sorry for that. He really loves you.”
Something about Wolf sticking up for my father warms my insides, but at the same time, I’m confused. Where is this coming from? I sit up and look at him. “How do you know he’s sorry?”
Wolf shrugs. “I saw the way he was with you. There was love there—between you both. You may still be angry at him, but the fact that he came here for you and made an effort to see you with no expectations is huge. Don’t you think?”
I sigh. “I was happy to see him today, which surprised me. I’ve been mad at him for so long, but you’re right. There’s a difference between what he did to me and what my mom did.”
Wolf smiles. “See?” He touches my nose with his and holds me tightly, waiting until I relax in his arms before speaking again. “Will you play something else for me? Your voice just might be even sexier than your lyrics.”
I laugh, realizing how much lighter I feel after telling Wolf my story—a story I don’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of my pathetic excuse for a mother. I’ve gone through all kinds of emotions over what she did—confusion, hurt, pain, regret, anger, grief. All over the loss of my mom. She may not be dead, but my dream of what a mother should be certainly is.
Wolf adjusts his body so he’s kissing my shoulder, soft kisses that make my heart flutter and my knees weak.
“Okay,” I agree, because I can’t imagine saying no to him about anything right now. My secrets are out. All of them. And I want to thank Wolf for helping me get to this point, and
for being patient. But also, I want him to know this side of me. A side I thought I lost long ago. A side that somehow felt so right when I was singing on that stage back at the studio today. I don’t think I would have ever let myself experience that moment if it weren’t for all the confidence Wolf has given me, whether or not he realizes it.
I take a deep breath and start a melody I know he’s more than familiar with. “Darkness Wins” is one of his earliest songs. I’ve never actually played it before, but I’ve had every chord memorized since before I met him.
When I open my mouth to sing, the words bleed from my soul and seep out my pores. I feel every single ounce of the emotion in his lyrics as if they are my own. The song, contrary to the title, is about not letting the darkness win. Not giving in and succumbing to the pain and letting it control you. The moment I heard this song come on the radio, I became an instant Wolf fan. He has no idea that his music carried me through a lot of hard times.
The last note punches through the air and lingers a little before Wolf sinks his teeth into the skin between my shoulder and neck. “That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard. And seen.” He groans and presses me back until I’m lying flat on the piano bench. “I think you were made for me.” His eyes are on my lips and then back on my eyes. “Don’t ever keep anything from me again. I get why you feel like you need to keep those parts of you hidden, and you can continue to do it if it helps you, just not around me. I want all of you.” He presses a hand onto my chest, motioning to my heart. “Everything.”
Tears well in my eyes at his sincerity. My throat is clogged with emotion and I’m not sure I can speak, so I just nod. He leans down and presses his lips to mine. He’s been so patient with me through all of this, forgiving me even when I hurt him, loving me when I’m broken. I grip a handful of his hair and hold him as tears stain my cheeks.
When I finally get my emotions under control, I pull my lips from his. “You have my everything for as long as you want it.”
“Forever, then. I want all of you. And I want you forever.”
The blood running through my veins is pumping so fast as his eyes bore into mine. Our connection has been intense from the moment we met, but this … this might be the moment I realize how strong it truly is. How strong it has been since we first met at the Aragon at just fifteen years old.
I lift my hand to his face and run one finger across his cheek. “I’m so in love with you. I know I messed up when I left. I know it hurt you. I’m so sorry. You’re the last person I ever want to hurt. Forgive me, and I promise I’ll never keep anything from you again. Never.”
His smile tells me everything I need to know as he leans down and brushes his lips against mine. “You’re forgiven.”
I giggle when he plants his face on my neck and tickles it with his unshaven jaw. “You know what I miss?” I ask.
“Hmm?” he moans while alternating between sucking and licking my sensitive skin.
“Writing together. Can we write something?”
I can feel the shake of his head against my skin. “Aren’t you hungry, babe?” he asks as he nibbles my neck. “I’m starved.”
As he works his way down my body, lifting the bottom of my dress as he goes, I stifle a moan and hold onto his shoulders. “Wolf, I’m serious. We haven’t written a song in a long time. I have the itch.”
When he reaches my thighs, he parts them smoothly and brushes a finger up my center. “Let me scratch it.”
“Wolf,” I laugh, but it feels too good to tell him to stop again. He stands but remains hovering over me. His hot mouth works its way down until it finds my center through my panties. And then he’s running his teeth lightly along my core and stealing the deep moan I’m trying so hard to suppress.
I’m ready to give myself over to Wolf completely, but a sound at the door makes us jump. I sit up, smoothing down my dress while Wolf adjusts himself in his shorts next to me. My lips curl at the frustration written all over his face.
“Let’s go to our room,” he growls. Wolf is sexy when he’s impatient and horny. I laugh and he shoots me a glare.
I bite my bottom lip, loving this way too much. “How about you grab us some food—since you’re so hungry—and I’ll meet you in your bedroom? I’ll grab my songbook so we can write.”
“Our room.”
“Our room.”
His lips meet mine as he nods. “Deal.” We manage to break apart just as a rowdy crowd surges through the doors.
“What the fuck have you two been up to?” Hedge calls out, his voice slurred. He’s swaying as he walks toward us, a girl tucked under each arm. One is already slipping her hand between his skin and the waistband of his jeans. I watch, stupefied, as he laughs and steers both girls down the hall toward his bedroom. Wow.
Derrick and Terese stroll in next. Terese gives me a knowing smile and walks my way.
Derrick calls after her. “Our room. Ten minutes.”
Her cheeks flush and she giggles. “Yes, sir.”
Who would have known Terese and Derrick would click so well? I’ve been majorly preoccupied lately, but I’m not blind. None of these guys are ones to settle down with someone easily. They know how much commitment it takes to keep a relationship afloat in this business. With temptation at every turn, a nonstop schedule that makes the days blur together, and the potential for disastrous fallout if things end badly—relationships are not ideal in this world. But I can already see things are different with Derrick and Terese.
“You missed an awesome session today. Please tell me I’m going to see more of you this week.” Terese frowns as she plops down next to me.
I laugh. “If you’re not too busy face-sucking your new boy toy over there. And I have a lot of making up to do with Wolf.”
She catches my smile and returns it. “I take it you two are good?”
I nod. “We are now.”
“That’s a relief. Derrick and I were talking tonight. We should go on a double date this week. You know, let the guys woo us a little.”
My eyes light up. “I love that idea.” A double date sounds so … normal. And drama-free. That’s a foreign concept to me.
“Okay, good.” She turns her head, glancing over her shoulder anxiously.
I laugh and push her jokingly. “Go ahead; go back to Derrick.”
She winks before walking off and calling over her shoulder, “He is kind of addicted to me.”
Still laughing, I head down the opposite hall to the master bedroom and let myself in. I have no idea where to start looking for my songbook. I haven’t seen it since I left the tour a week ago. It was in Wolf’s nightstand since that’s where we always wrote. Rory and Rex promised to pack up everything in the drawers, so it must be in one of the bins they dropped off this morning.
I start my search. The first container is full of Wolf’s clothes, my songbook nowhere to be found. I sigh and open the second bin.
Interesting.
This one is full of goodies—Wolf’s condoms and lotion and some very interesting gadgets I’ve never seen before. My eyes grow wide as I pick up one of the objects. Wolf must have an even kinkier side than he’s shown me.
“What are you doing?” Wolf comes in with a plate of food in his hand and shuts the door behind him.
I hold up the furry pink handcuffs, an eyebrow raised. “And who have you used these on?”
His eyes narrow and darken a little. “A fan gave them to me last week. I was holding on to them in case you decided to beg for forgiveness.”
“Excuse me?”
His lips quirk up at the corner. “Are you upset that I accepted a sex toy from a fan? Or that I wanted you to beg?”
I narrow my eyes back at him. “I’m supposed to believe that you’ve never used these before?”
A chuckle rumbles from his throat as he sets the plate on the nightstand. “Relax. I’ve never used them. You’ll just have to trust me.”
Wolf approaches me as I kneel in front of the container. In one swift m
ove, he moves my hair over my shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind using them tonight. I’m getting hard just thinking about you strapped to our bed, naked. I can do whatever I want to you.”
I swallow, and suddenly there’s a dampness between my thighs. “You find my songbook and I’ll let you do whatever you want to me.” God, please find my songbook quickly.
Wolf sees how serious I am and kneels by my side. “It’s got to be in one of these bins.”
“I’ve been looking,” I say, unconvinced.
We spend the next hour searching. By the time we finally give up, our room is a disaster. I panic, pacing from one wall to another and trying to remember the last time I saw it. Wolf sits at the edge of his bed, hands in his hair, trying to keep me calm.
“When’s the last time you wrote in it?”
“With you!” I say as I throw my hands up, exasperated. “We were in bed and got distracted, like usual. But I remember picking it up off the floor after and putting it back in your drawer. That was the night before the Tony fiasco. When did you last see it?”
Wolf thinks for a moment before answering. “The day you left, I was so pissed. I grabbed it and handed it to Crawley. Told him to ship it to you. And then I thought better of it and took it back. I put it right back in the drawer.”
My heart stops at his words. “Crawley knew about it. And he knew where it was? Shit. Did you see it after that?”
Wolf shakes his head, the color draining from his face as we come to the same realization. “No. Every time I looked at that damn drawer, I got pissed. There were pictures of you, your songbook, condoms… Everything reminded me of you, and it pissed me off. So no, I didn’t open it again.”
