by DW Cee
Even though I didn’t get a chance to fully tell him about my love, I hope he got a good sense of it when he read my journal. I gave him my journal as his Christmas present. I hope my writing clearly illustrates these emotions.
Thank you for being such a good friend. When I get strong enough, you will be the first one I send a return address to. Until then, I’ll write…you read. Take care.
Emily
The journal. How could I have forgotten about the journal she gave me for Christmas? Frantic, I thought through Christmas night and couldn’t tear myself away from her consent to be with me that night. That consent alone should have told me she loved me and only me. Why was I so stupid? Where did she leave this journal? After tearing apart my room I found it on my bookshelf. Unwrapping the bow, I sat down desperate to hear her voice again.
November 7
I met a guy yesterday who made my heart go pitter patter for the first time in a long while. I met him while looking for food at a grocery store late at night. He stared at me with a curious eye, and I honestly wanted to stare back at him. He was so handsome. He was my absolute ideal—tall, dark hair, sparkling blue eyes.
I fell down at the market and this man—Jake Reid—was kind enough to take me to his hospital. I felt really lame. What a first impression. He took care of me last night and I felt so safe with him. I haven’t felt that safe since Mom and Dad were alive.
He stopped by this morning to check up on my ankle, and we’re supposed to have dinner tonight. He picked me up and carried me the moment he entered my house. The last time anyone did this was when Dad carried me around the house singing to me after I woke up from a bad dream. I think he likes me? I’m not quite sure. I guess we’ll see. Sarah thinks I’m nuts for going out with a guy I met last night at a grocery store. She scolded me for letting him into the house this morning.
I told her how comfortable I felt with a guy I’d met less than twelve hours ago. Maybe I have gone off the deep end like Sarah said. I haven’t had a date in so long I’ve forgotten what’s normal and abnormal. We’ll see. I’ll write again after my date tonight. I hope my ankle cooperates. I’d really like to spend some time with this Jake Reid.
November 8
So A LOT happened since yesterday morning. Where do I begin? Jake and I went out to dinner—though I didn’t eat much beyond chips and dip. He had to leave early. We talked briefly about me and my life up until now. I was stupid enough to mention Max the first night we met, so of course I had to explain more about him. Why’d I bring him up? He’s the past. Hopefully, Jake will be the future?
After the date I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy. He genuinely showed interest in me. He smiled a lot and many of the things I said made him laugh. When he brought me home, we had such an awkward good-bye. All he did was stare at me for a while, then he asked me out again. I was hoping he would kiss me, but I guess it was a bit early to kiss someone you just met. What is wrong with me? I actually gave him a kiss on the cheek the first night we met, but in all honesty, I wanted to make out with him in the car instead. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Anyhow, he came by again this morning and brought me breakfast. He asked what I liked to eat and bought one of everything from the bakery as well. I wished I hadn’t promised Eunice I’d go to her birthday party. I thought of every excuse I could give not to go. I so wanted to spend the day with Jake. He had an entire day off and I was up in Oxnard. Ugh! That was frustrating. We could have been together all day and gotten to know each other.
Sarah sensed how anxious I was to be with Jake so she had me invite him to meet us for dinner when we got back to the Westside. That Sarah knows me too well, thankfully. We all met up at a bar and the second I saw him, he kissed me! Oh, I forgot—he kissed me this morning as well, but very lightly. We kissed several times at the bar. I tried not to show how much I enjoyed it. I don’t think I fooled anyone. Sarah and Charlie looked completely alarmed. They’d never seen me so unscripted with a guy before.
Jake asked me to go away for the weekend, and as much as I wanted to go with him alone, I thought it would be best to take Sarah and Charlie along. Funny thing—It wasn’t Jake I didn’t trust. It was me! Ha! Ha! Ha! My promises of a virtuous life till I got married was going to be challenging with this guy around.
November 10
School has been crazy busy, and Jake too has been busy. I don’t know that I like dating a doctor. I can’t ever see him, nor can I just call him whenever I miss him. I text from time to time but even then I feel guilty I may be taking him away from his work. There are many more people who need his attention than I do.
I thought about Max today. I hope he’s doing well. It’s been almost a year and a half since we broke up and I finally feel like I can put this all behind me. I suppose much of this is thanks to Jake. In the short few days we’ve known each other, I’ve been able to do spring cleaning to so many parts of my heart. Isn’t it strange? A few days with a new guy and four years start to erase automatically. Maybe it’s not the four years I needed to erase. It’s more the year plus of pain afterward I’ve got to let go of.
I hope I get to see Jake soon. I miss him terribly.
November 12
Yes! He came by tonight. He called to have dinner but ended up coming over around 9:30. I don’t understand why this guy is so busy. Are there no other doctors but himself at his hospital?
Anyhow, I made him dinner, and he looked shocked that I could cook. I couldn’t tell if he was just really hungry or if he thought the food tasted good. He was done eating within minutes. We talked about our day and I told him how much I despised eating alone. Though we didn’t eat together tonight, it felt wonderful to have him home with me.
Watching him eat, I felt like I had a family again. I don’t know when I last cooked for someone. Rather than going out, I’ll have to try to cook more often. I hadn’t felt that happy grocery shopping and cooking—ever! There was a purpose to what I was doing and someone to enjoy it with.
I had to kick him out earlier than either one of us would have liked. If he had stayed any longer, I really would have forgotten my promise to Mom. Yeesh! It’s going to be a long courtship if I’m feeling like this already.
November 15
We had our official second date and our first fight. Maybe fight is a bit of a harsh word. Whatever it was I didn’t like it. The morning started off great with us meeting Sarah and Charlie for brunch. I thought we’d have the whole day to get to know each other. WRONG! The hospital had other ideas. This chief of his can be a pain! He called at the onset of our date and told Jake to go to Atlanta.
Why Atlanta? I hope he comes home soon. I have no idea when he’ll be back. We got into a disagreement because he thought I was going to his aunt’s house for Thanksgiving, but I had already made plans. I waited and waited as long as I could before buying the tickets and agreeing to Sarah’s plans. I so hoped Jake would invite me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family. I was actually feeling down he hadn’t done so yet.
Maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I think he does?! Well, he asked me today but it was too late. He got mad at me in the car for making other plans. While driving to the airport, I thought about all of Jake’s qualities—surgeon, good family, strong and secure, always so sure of himself, has the potential to be with anyone he wants. Then I thought about me—an orphan, insecure, unsure of life in general, not the most social person out there. We are so different.
I don’t know if he and I can become a we. We’ll have to talk this through when he gets back.
November 20
It’s been five days since Jake’s been gone and we haven’t talked much beyond hi, how are you. He’s been really busy filling in for his chief, and school was really busy this week as well. I miss him! This week wasn’t much different than last week but knowing he’s not down the street leaves a huge hole in my entire being.
I can’t figure out why he has such a hold on me. I feel like his prisoner. He can make me happy and miserab
le all at the same time. Why am I so weak? How can a guy I just met have such a bearing on my life? I don’t know how to answer this but what I do know is that I’m miserable right now. I want to call him but can’t, knowing he’s working.
How sad am I? I wonder what kind of hold I have on him…probably none! I think he likes me but we haven’t really talked about us, and I don’t know if he has any thoughts of where we are headed. I guess I’m not only frustrated but I’m also confused. We’re not officially boyfriend / girlfriend but we’re definitely more than friends.
Next time we get some time together, I hope we can talk about our relationship—if a relationship is what he wants.
November 22
It’s Sunday and Jake is not going to make it up to Bacara. He’s in town but working. Maybe he doesn’t really like me? Maybe this is his way of telling me he wants to slowly end the little that we have. I’m really confused.
When I talk to him on the phone, he sounds so genuine. He’s always talking about all the things he wants to do for me and how much he wants to be with me. But in actuality, we can’t even spend an hour together. I’d like to believe it’s because of his work but maybe I’m a fool to believe this. Oh goodness. I gave my heart too quickly and too deeply to a guy I just met and I’m going to be left hurting. Why do I do this to myself?
Whenever Jake talks about us and the future, half of me is thrilled he thinks we will be together for so long but the other half is scared to death he’ll leave me. I guess this was a good lesson learned. I really need to guard my heart more and not let Jake or anyone else hurt me so readily.
Sarah and I leave for New York tonight. I asked Jake to come see me off and he promised to be there. If he doesn’t come tonight, I’ll consider all things finished and let go of my feelings for Jake.
November 22
He hasn’t come. I’ve been sitting here at the airport waiting for him. I’ve delayed my flight twice, and this time I have to get on. Why did I trust my heart again? Against everything I thought—it’s too soon, he’s too perfect, Sarah thinks I’m crazy—I went with my emotions. Never again.
I thought he would come see me before I left. I guess my fears have been justified. I’ll have to try to erase all that’s happened with Jake so far while I’m in New York. What a bummer trip this will be.
UGH!!!
November 22
Jake came! He came to see me! He had to operate on someone, and it lasted a long time. He showed up right before I had to board. Like a fool, I cried when I saw him. My heart was so sad at the thought of having to end everything with him. I really wanted this to work more than anything!
I told him how much I missed him, and I want to believe him when he said he missed me more than anyone he’s ever missed. I also confessed how he makes me so happy when we’re together and so sad when we’re not. Could it be that I love this man already? Perhaps I knew I would love him since the day we met. Whenever we’re together I feel like I’m home. No one besides my parents—not even Max—ever made me feel this safe and loved.
I can’t believe I wrote three times today. I am so exhausted. The lucky girl that I am, Jake upgraded my seat to first class (yay!) so I can sleep the next five hours into JFK.
Sigh! How will I go a whole week without him? I’ll have to start thinking of ways to get out of this trip earlier. Maybe Sarah will tell me to go home if she notices how sullen I am. Then again, maybe not.
November 25
OMG! Can this week drag on any longer? I’m kicking myself for having agreed to come here. I feel so bad. Sarah went out of her way to be with me instead of Charlie so I wouldn’t feel lonely, but I’m hating every moment of this trip. I want to be with Jake.
Thanks to Jake I’ve eaten at my dream restaurant on the East Coast—Le Bernardin. It was every bit as good as touted. And today, we leave our luxurious suite, thanks to Jake again, for Sarah’s parents’ home. Oh…I talked to Jake’s sister, Jane, the other day. She sounded really sweet! I can’t wait to meet her.
I wonder what Jake is doing right now. I think I’ll call him.
December 10
Jake and I just got into another fight. He came over for dinner tonight, and I asked him to go to this stupid Christmas Ball and that’s when everything went wrong. He got upset with me because I didn’t ask him earlier. Well, in all honesty, he was upset because he thought I wasn’t over Max. I told him I was, but he didn’t believe me.
I don’t think I like Max anymore…do I? I’m sure there’s no more love in my heart for him but there is still a lot of hurt and there is a tie that I can’t cut off just yet. I asked Jake to be a bit more understanding of my pain. He didn’t want to be—he left me mid-dinner, mid-conversation.
I hate it when people leave me. I feel abandoned. I wish Jake hadn’t left. My phone is ringing. It’s Jake, but I don’t think I can answer it. As it is, I can’t stop the tears. If I talk to him, it will only get worse. UGH! Now he’s texting. If I don’t respond, he’ll be worried, or worse yet, he’ll stop by and see what a mess I am.
I wish Mom were around. I could talk to her about boys and she would tell me how I should react to situations such as this one. She would have all the right answers for me. She was always so savvy—something I am soooo not! I miss Mom and Dad.
December 11
Max is sleeping in the guest bedroom right next to me. What a shocking turn of events. We don’t see each other for eighteen months and now only a wall and a few yards separate us.
Jake took me to the Christmas Ball and as always had to leave early. I drudged through dinner and festivities without him, but instead, with Max and his new girlfriend. After the event, Max and I ended up together—at Peter’s scheming—and we went out for dinner. It was REALLY awkward at first, but soon we loosened up and had a wonderful conversation. We realized that we were not just exes, but friends, and dear ones at that. We went back to being friends and told each other about the last eighteen months.
Max told me he was in med school. I was so proud of him for figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. He also told me he was hospitalized the summer after we broke up. The minute he told me about the accident, tears came out uncontrollably. Again, I felt like an idiot! Why I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I just don’t know. Max looked comforted. He actually held me for a while. It felt weird to be in his arms. It definitely did NOT feel right anymore. He didn’t stir my heart or tug at my emotions. I can for sure admit I don’t like him anymore!
Anyhow, Max got really mad at me when I told him how Jake makes me feel. He took it as a slam against our four years together. How could he think I believed there was anything wrong with our four years together? I loved him so much during those years. Looking back, I’m glad he was there for me during that time. It would have been hard not to have had Mom, Dad, and eventually Grandma and Grandpa without Max. He was there as my comfort during those times and I’m forever grateful for his love.
Tomorrow, or later this morning, I leave for a trip with Jake. I can’t wait! He promised me a whole day together. I hope we can find some stability to this relationship / courtship / whatever is it that we’re doing. I hope Jake likes me as much as I like him. I think he does but still I’m unsure…
December 12
Today was the most amazing day! No one has ever indulged me this much—EVER! We started on a flight up to San Francisco. No—we actually started off really awkward with Jake witnessing Peter, Jeff, and Max all waking up in my house. I’ve never given Jake an option of spending the night here, but he walked in to see three men sleeping in my house. Not fun! He didn’t look like he was having fun either. Well, that got worked out OK, thankfully.
The first place we drove to when we got up north…FRENCH LAUNDRY! How did this man know this was my absolute dream destination? The food…heavenly! The conversation…wonderfully heartfelt. We got issues out in the open and learned a lot about each other. I told Jake everything I could about Max and hoped that he believed my honesty an
d sincerity.
Then we drove to their family apartment and I did something I hadn’t ever done. I fell asleep with him on the sofa. It felt wonderful to wake up next to him. He also gave me this humongous diamond ring and asked me to be in a relationship with him—FINALLY! We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It made me happy that we were officially together.
I don’t know what time it is right now, but I’m still here in SF and supposed to be sleeping in Jane’s room. Jake gave me three sleeping options, and my heart wanted door #1 (Jake’s room), but my mind spoke out door #2 (Jane’s room). I would love nothing more than to snuggle into bed with Jake right now.
After getting to know the basics, Jane and I had a heart-to-heart tonight. I like her so much! She’s genuine and kind and very similar to Jake. Both siblings are so confident. They set a goal and work to achieve it. Jane was valedictorian of her high school and graduated magna cum laude at Columbia. She thought about going into journalism but decided to go to law school instead. She said that one day she would love to write a book. She’s so articulate and bright, she will most likely write a best seller.
Now that I’ve met Jane, I’m curious to know what Nick is like. Both Reids have told me he’s the brightest in mind and personality. I can’t wait to meet him as well as the parents who raised all three wonderful people.
