Alix & Valerie

by Ingrid Diaz

  The girl shook her head but rang up the order. I paid the bill and picked a table in the corner. We were the only people there.

  Alix joined me a moment later. “This is a really cute place,” she said, glancing around. “You seem to know New York City pretty well. How long did you live here?”

  Q&A time. Here we go. “A little less than two years.”

  She nodded, clearly wanting to know more, but afraid to push the subject.

  I sat up. “Tell you what. I promise to answer all of your questions, if you promise to answer all of mine.”

  She nodded. “Deal.”

  “Shoot,” I said, sitting back. Hopefully she’d start with the easy ones first. What’s your favorite car? That sort of thing.

  Alix was thoughtful for a second. “Okay. Why did you sleep with me if you knew you were lying to me?”

  “Two whole milks.” The girl placed the two cups in front of us. She winked at Alix and gave me a disapproving look before returning to the kitchen.

  Wonderful. “Are you sure you want to discuss this here?” I asked, when I was sure the girl was out of earshot.

  She took a drink from her milk. “Sure.”

  How did I even begin to explain this? “I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen. I talked myself into doing something I knew was wrong and I’m sorry.” Oh, good one. Tell the girl that you regret sleeping with her. Nice move.

  The hurt on Alix’s face was crystal clear.

  “Sorry. That came out totally wrong.” I was trying to think back to what I’d been thinking. Truth was, I hadn’t been thinking. “I don’t know why I did it. I just know that I’d never wanted anyone as much as I’d wanted you. It wasn’t about sex. I just wanted to express how I felt about you. No words meant no lies.”

  She nodded.

  “I really have no way of justifying it,” I admitted. “It was wrong on so many levels but I couldn’t have stopped myself if I’d wanted to. Unless you had wanted me to. Then I would’ve stopped, of course.” Shit, now I’m babbling. “I just meant—”

  “It’s okay,” Alix interrupted. “I know what you meant.”

  “Okay.”

  She smiled, instantly making me feel better. “Your turn.”

  Did that mean I answered correctly? This relationship thing was a lot more complicated than I’d imagined it would be. They made it look so easy on TV. “What kind of peanut butter do you prefer? Crunchy or smooth?”

  Before Alix had a chance to respond, our delightful hostess appeared beside us, carrying two plates. “Two Fluffernutters,” she announced. She turned to me. “Crunchy or smooth?”

  So much for Plan B. Time for Plan C: Deductive reasoning. She liked to wear black all the time. And she thought Steven Tyler was hot. So, what did that tell me about her preference in peanut butter? Not a damn thing. “Smooth,” I guessed.

  The girl put one plate in front of me and the other in front of Alix. “If I can get you anything else, let me know.” Then she walked away.

  I turned to Alix, waiting to see if I’d guessed correctly. She was picking up the sandwich. She was biting it. Guess I was right after all. “So you like crunchy better?” I asked casually.

  She shrugged. “It’s all the same to me,” she responded. “This is really good. Try the chips.”

  All that work and she didn’t even care one way or another. I popped a chip in my mouth. Served me right.

  Ò

  “You know she was totally checking you out back there?” I asked casually, because subtlety is my middle name. To express my complete neutrality on the subject, I kept my gaze focused on the sidewalk.

  “Hmm?” Alix asked, seemingly distracted by whatever thoughts danced in her head. “Oh, you mean Susan?”

  My eyebrows lifted. “Pardon?”

  “Girl back at the peanut butter place?”

  She knew her name? I must have missed something. “Yeah,” I respond carefully.

  “Yep, I know.”

  Deep, calming breaths. “You’re friends?”

  Alix laughed. “Hardly.”

  I see. “So how do you know her name?”

  Alix dug her hand into her pocket and withdrew a small piece of paper. “She gave me her number while you were in the bathroom.” She shrugged and put it back in her pocket.

  I wondered if she really planned on keeping that. Worse yet, if she planned on actually dialing the number.

  “Where are we headed?”

  I looked around for a moment. “Christopher Street? Unless there’s something in particular you want to see?”

  “Nope. Lead the way.”

  We walked in silence for a few minutes. I wasn’t particularly content about this whole Susan issue. Did Alix want to get back together at all? Did she just want us to be friends and see other people? I wasn’t particularly sure I could handle that particular arrangement. I was having enough trouble keeping myself from turning around and telling off that . . .

  “So, my turn to ask a question.”

  I glanced down at Alix. “No it’s not. Our food arrived before you had a chance to answer.”

  “Then you asked again, and I answered.”

  Fine. If she wanted to play it that way. “But then you asked where we were going and I answered. So technically, it’s my turn.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “Cheater.”

  I smiled proudly. “So, let’s see.” What did I want to know? Lots of things. “What are the rules?”

  “To the question game?”

  “No, to our current relationship.”

  “Oh.” She looked away before answering. “Well, I figured you and I should figure that out together. I mean, it is ‘our’ relationship.”

  Fair enough. “All right.” Might as well get to the heart of matters. “Are we seeing other people?”

  Green eyes met mine. “Do you want to?”

  Hell no! “Do you?”

  She shrugged, placing her hands in her pockets. “Not particularly.”

  I hoped she hadn’t heard the huge sigh of relief that escaped my lips. “Me neither,” I said, trying not to sound as happy as I felt.

  Instead of saying anything, Alix handed me the scrap of paper with the phone number on it.

  My eyebrows narrowed in question.

  “Well, I don’t want it,” she said, by way of explanation.

  I smiled, crumpled the paper in my hand, and threw it away in the nearest trashcan. Better luck next time, Susan.

  Ò

  “H-O-R.”

  “Who you callin’ a whore?” Alix asked.

  “You,” I responded simply, dribbling the ball away from her. “Why didn’t you tell me you were this bad?”

  Alix crossed her arms. “Valerie,” she said, her voice controlled. “I told you on the way to your apartment that I sucked at basketball. Then I told you all the way here. And I told you the first time I lost. Then the second. And even the third. I think you just like the fact that you’re winning.”

  I hid a grin. I did like winning. But I much preferred watching the cute look of concentration that passed across Alix’s features right before she made a shot. Granted, she hadn’t gotten the ball in the basket once since we’d arrived at the basketball court, but I was still enjoying myself. “Let’s see if you can make it from here,” I said, mockingly. I stood as close to the basket as I could without being directly under it, and made the shot. I caught the ball as it fell from the net and passed it to Alix.

  Resigned, she walked over and stood at the same spot I’d been standing. “I really hate this game. Why is it called HORSE anyway? Can’t we spell something cooler?” She bounced the ball a couple of times and stared up at the basket. Then came the concentration look that never seemed to work. Then the shot.

  Missed by a mile.

  “Ooh, it almost touched the rim that time,” I teased, running to catch the ball before it interrupted someone else’s game.

  “Why don’t we go play pool?” she suggested innocently.
/>
  I grinned. “H-O-R-S.”

  “B-R-A-T.”

  “Perhaps,” I conceded. “But at least I’m winning.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Fine. But that means you have to buy me dinner.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “Well, you’ve already destroyed my self-esteem. Do you want to deplete my bank account as well?”

  I laughed. “You mean Jessica’s bank account.”

  She shrugged, taking a seat in the middle of the court. “Hers. Mine. What’s the difference? We share. She’s like the sister I never had.”

  “What about Rachel?” I asked, slightly confused.

  She gazed up at me with a smile. “Like I said, she’s like the sister I never had.”

  I grinned. “Gotcha.”

  Alix looked at her watch for a moment, then leaned back on her arms, staring up at me. “Are you gonna shoot any time soon, or are we camping out here?”

  I glanced up at the basketball hoop. I couldn’t very well make the past couple of hours end in a few pointless games of HORSE. I sat down across from Alix. “Tell you what. If you make the next basket, I’ll buy you dinner.”

  She glanced at me warily. “And if I don’t make it?”

  “Jessica’s treat.” I was pleased to see my smile reciprocated.

  “Sounds fair to me,” she said.

  I grinned to myself and rose to my feet, looking around the court. Where should I shoot from? Regardless of the spot, I doubted that she’d make it so it wasn’t that big of an issue. But I couldn’t let it seem like I was trying to let her win.

  Finally, I decided on the foul line. It seemed fair enough. I shot the ball and watched it sail smoothly through the air, ending in a perfect swoosh through the hoop. With a satisfied smile, I glanced at Alix. She was in the process of retrieving the ball. “I think I’ll order that lobster you mentioned earlier,” I was saying, as she passed in front of me to take her place behind the line.

  She shook her head and bounced the ball a few times. This time there was no look of concentration. She just let the ball fly. I watched it, suddenly feeling like everything was happening in slow motion. And then the unexpected happened.

  She made the shot.

  I blinked a few times, in pure disbelief. Then from somewhere far away I heard three little words:

  “Lobster sounds good.”

  Chapter 4

  Alix

  New York was starting to grow on me after only a couple of days and it got me wondering why I’d never considered leaving Florida. Everywhere I looked something was happening. The most inconsequential things somehow felt important and I tried to take it all in, while at the same time trying to make sense of my time with Valerie.

  Love was confusing. Women were confusing. How was one supposed to work with both of them together?

  “You seem pensive,” Valerie said, looking down at me.

  We were walking in Times Square and I was staring down at the ground instead of up at the pretty lights and billboards. “What do you think about love?”

  She seemed thrown by the question. “I suppose it’s all right.”

  I smiled, my gaze finally rising to look around. Everything was so bright. Baldwin City seemed so far away at that moment. “No, I mean, do you think it can last forever? Or do you think it’s a fleeting thing?”

  Valerie was silent for a long moment as she contemplated my question. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting to discuss the meaning of love while walking down the busy sidewalks of Times Square.

  Finally, she looked down at me, a very serious expression on her face. My breath caught, as I waited for her deep and meaningful response; one that was certain to put to rest all my doubts and insecurities. I stared into her eyes as though I could find the most well-kept secrets of life hidden in their depths. Her lips parted and the words poured forth, escaping into the noisy air. “Laser tag.”

  I blinked. A few times. Then I voiced my thoughts. “Huh?”

  “I think love is like laser tag.”

  “Laser tag. Right.” Every time I thought I had this girl figured out she came up with something like laser tag to throw me all the way back to start. Talking to her sometimes felt like an endless game of Sorry!

  “Would you like me to explain?”

  The twinkle in her eye worried me. “I’m not sure . . .” Here I’d thought I was the weird one in this relationship.

  “I’ll do so anyway. See, to me, love had always been something to avoid. I didn’t mind if someone fell for me . . . but falling for someone else was always something I couldn’t handle. It always reminded me of a game of laser tag. Get them before they get me. Hurt them before they hurt me.”

  “Oh,” I said, suddenly feeling sad. “Is that why you left? To hurt me before I hurt you?”

  “No.”

  I grabbed her arm to stop her. I couldn’t have this conversation while walking. “Then?”

  Valerie looked uncomfortable. “You know why I left.”

  “No,” I said seriously, trying to meet her gaze. “I don’t.”

  She was looking anywhere but at me. If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve sworn she looked embarrassed. “It hurt too much to stay,” she admitted softly.

  Silence. That’s what I heard in spite of all the noise around me. Until that moment it had never occurred to me to wonder how Valerie must have felt about all of this. I’d played up my victim role to full capacity and it was time to let it go. This had never been about me, only I’d been too blind to see that. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, stepping closer to her.

  Valerie’s eyes finally focused on mine. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It was all my fault.”

  I smiled sadly. “No. No, it wasn’t.” I took her hand. “Come on, let’s go back to your apartment.”

  She seemed surprised by the gesture, but didn’t take her hand from mine. In fact, she tightened her hold as we walked back to the subway station.

  Ò

  “So,” Valerie said, when we stepped inside the apartment a short while later.

  “Why do you think I’m still in love with Jessica?” I asked.

  Valerie sank down on the couch, caught off-guard. “Just a feeling.”

  I shook my head as I sat across from her. “No. There has to be a reason.”

  She sighed. “Whenever we would talk about anything, the subject would always go back to Jessica. It could never be just about us. You always brought her up.”

  “It couldn’t be just about us, though,” I said. “It was more about the two of you than it was about you and me.”

  Silence.

  “I’d like you to come back to Florida with me,” I said, bracing myself for rejection.

  Valerie looked at me, her eyebrows narrowed. “Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to be apart from you,” I answered, and suddenly wondered if I was asking too much of her again. Was it always to be about me? Did she ever get a choice? “But if you decide to stay here, then I’ll transfer.”

  She shook her head. “I would never let you do that.”

  “It’s not up to you to decide. I don’t need your permission.”

  Valerie stood suddenly, and I was starting to worry that I was freaking her out. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. I’d never asked her what kind of relationship she was prepared for. I was willing to give up anything for her. But was she?

  “Alix, what made you come here?” she asked. “Why would you want another chance with me?”

  I wanted to say the words, but I was unable. “Because I want to be with you,” I said instead, feeling like a coward.

  Her blue eyes shone with sadness. “If I ask you something do you swear you’ll answer truthfully?”

  “I would never lie to you, Valerie,” I said.

  “When you are with me, do you pretend I am Jessica?” she asked softly.

  I was completely floored by the question. It was definitely not one I was expecting. I frowned. “Is that what you really think
?”

  “Answer the question,” she insisted and I thought she was going to cry.

  I shook my head, trying to figure out what would give her such an idea. I was so hurt by the implication. “How can you ask me that?”

  “Answer the question, Alix!”

  I stared at her, then headed for the door. “I will not answer that,” I told her as I turned the handle. “I’m going back to Florida tomorrow. Sorry I wasted your time.” I closed the door behind me as I stepped out into the hallway, feeling completely defeated. I couldn’t decide if I was more hurt or offended or angry. Maybe I was all of them.

  Never for a second did I ever think Jessica and Valerie were interchangeable. They were as different as night and day. I couldn’t have pretended one was the other if I tried. It was like someone pretending Rachel was me. Ha! Not even I had that good of an imagination.

  But I supposed with Valerie’s insecurities about my feelings for Jessica it was kind of understandable why she would think that.

  I paused at the stairs. Maybe I should’ve gone back and talked it over with her. Assured her that I would never think something like that.

  But ugh! How insulting that she would consider such a thing.

  I continued down the stairs.

  Somewhere between the first and second floor, I heard my name being called. I looked up to see Valerie racing down the stairs. She reached me a few moments later.

  “I’m sorry,” she breathed, gasping slightly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a jerk.”

  “I’m sorry, too,” I said. “I shouldn’t have walked out on you.”

  She stretched her hand out to me. “Come back, please?”

  I hesitated only a moment before accepting her offer. I was beginning to understand that I had trouble denying her anything. One look into her eyes and all of my anger dissipated. That in itself was annoying. It’s like she was a witch or something. I didn’t completely dismiss that idea. There were a lot of things about Valerie Anne Michaels that I didn’t particularly know.

  Back in her apartment we stared at each other in silence. Then finally, I said, “Valerie, I’m not in love with Jessica. And even if I were I would never—”