by Leta Blake
“All omegas don’t have your birth defect.”
“Semantics won’t fix this situation. Let’s not fight over the details.”
“No, let’s fight over your life!” Father’s blue eyes bored into Pater with a desperation Jason had never seen in him. “You nearly died with Jason. No, you did die. They had to restart your heart!”
Pater’s lips set more firmly and he stared back at Father. “I know that, Yule. I was there.”
“What?” Jason said, blinking between them. He’d had no idea.
“And once it was barely beating again, if the hospital hadn’t just happened to have several bags of your blood type on hand…” Father’s eyes filled with tears as his voice gave out on him. “If we’d been anything less than wildly lucky that day, I’d have lost you.”
Pater’s eyes filled, too, and his lips wobbled. “You didn’t lose me. I’m right here.”
“Yes, you’re here. Nearly twenty years older, and more fragile than ever after using those abortion drugs for so long, and you think you can carry this child to term?”
“I don’t know. But I’ll try.” He closed his eyes. “He wants to be here, obviously. The drugs didn’t break him free. He hung on through the cramps and the bleeding. He’s a fighter.”
“Who knows what effect those drugs have on a developing fetus!” Father shouted, covering his face again as the words rang in the room. Pater’s eyes popped open and he trembled as he stared at Father, but he didn’t flinch.
Jason sat paralyzed, icy cold fear tearing into his heart.
“What other choice do we have, Yule?” Pater’s skin was pale, but his eyes glowed with determination. “The other options are just as illegal as the abortifacient drugs and much more risky. Without a competent doctor, an abortion is nearly as physically dangerous as attempting to carry. Besides, we don’t even know where to start with procuring a procedure of that sort. Who could we even begin to trust?”
“Money can buy silence, and I’ll pay any amount to keep you safe.”
“I won’t do it,” Pater said, shaking his head. “This child wants to be born. And I want to have him.”
Father’s mouth worked, his breath came in great shudders. A heaving moan escaped him before he stood and left the room, slamming the door. Jason’s mouth was dry, and his blood screamed through his body. He wanted to run away, too, but he didn’t know where or how, and his terror kept him rooted to his seat.
Pater patted his breast pocket, pulling out a cigarette and matchbook. He shoved his plate away and struck the match, lighting up. Smoke spiraled up from his head and drifted toward the ceiling.
Jason’s fingers and toes tingled, and numbness spread through him. The room spun. A black silence seeped in from the edges of the room, as if everything outside had vanished. As if only this table and the two of them existed.
And Father, somewhere in the darkness outside the room, in agony.
Waving away the smoke Pater exhaled, Jason asked, “Is that good for the baby?”
Pater laughed bitterly. “Wolf-hell if I know, love.” He took a long drag. “Probably not. I’ll quit tomorrow.”
Jason poked his fork at the shrimp still on his plate, unable to imagine eating it now. He swallowed thickly. “I don’t want you to die.”
Pater groaned, reaching for Jason’s hand. “Nothing is written in stone. I’m not well, but I’m not ready to break half a dozen more laws that could land your father or me in prison in order to terminate a pregnancy that, to my surprise, I want to see to term.”
“But you said you wouldn’t survive it, and Father says they had to restart your heart and give you blood with me, and you’re older now, and you aren’t well. Why are you doing this? You have me. You don’t need another. The line’s secure.”
“Is it?” Pater asked softly. “Your Vale’s medical charts don’t look good for him carrying to term, either. And I won’t put him through what I’ve endured. Another child—if it was an alpha or an omega—would open up a new possibility for the future of this family.”
“I could get a surrogate.” His stomach hurt and he thought he’d die. Choosing between Pater and Vale? His blood and bones ached at the thought. Still, he couldn’t let his pater die. “If I need to do that I will.”
“No.” Pater’s hazel eyes glimmered sadly. “I would never do that to you. Deprive you you of the bond that’s made my life so wonderful despite the pain?” He shook his head. “Absolutely not. I wouldn’t do that to your Vale, either. It’d be a betrayal of myself as an omega to put carrying on the line above the bond you will share.” Pater flicked ash into his uneaten food. “Besides, I always wanted another child. It wasn’t as though I only wanted to have one, you know. I’ve loved being your pater all these years and now you’re going to be leaving us soon. A baby in the house would bring us all a new joy.”
“If you die having him, there will be no joy at all,” Jason said, dropping his fork against the plate with a clang. “I don’t want him. I want you for as long as I can have you, and I won’t love him if you die having him.”
“Jason…” Pater took a long drag of his cigarette before squashing it out against his plate. Then he stood and came around to kneel on the floor by Jason’s chair, taking hold of his hands. “I know you’re frightened and your father’s reaction isn’t helping, but let’s not borrow trouble. For all we know, this pregnancy will be different from the others.”
“Why would you think that?”
Pater shrugged. “I can only hope. Life is mysterious and stranger things have happened.”
Jason stared at him with an open mouth, hot anger starting in his gut and pushing into his chest. He jerked his hands away.
“What?” Pater asked, sounding nervous. “What are you thinking?”
“You’re giving up. It’s like you said the other day, you knew I needed you, and now you think I don’t need you anymore, and you’re giving up.”
Pater stared at him, his jaw clenching, and then he looked away.
“If you tell me I’m wrong, I won’t believe you.”
Pater rose and returned to his chair again, contemplating the ashy, uneaten food on his plate like it was a crystal ball full of the future. “All right. You’re old enough for the truth.”
Jason straightened in his seat.
“I’m tired of being in pain so often, of hurting and losing heat after heat. I’m tired of putting your father through this. He’s suffered, too. If I could give him one more child, maybe he’d forgive me for…for the rest.”
“He loves you,” Jason pleaded, hoping Pater would see reason. Though he was clueless as to how the illegal abortion procedure could be arranged, he had no doubt Father would find a way if Pater would only agree. “He’s never been angry about any of that.”
“I meant forgive me for dying,” Pater said quietly.
A knife pierced Jason’s heart. He could barely breathe but he managed to ask, “Did you do this on purpose? Did you even take the drugs this time?”
“What? Of course I took the drugs.” Pater snapped. “The chemist who makes them for me has always warned they could fail. So far, I’ve been lucky. This time, though…” he trailed off. His expression softened. “You’ll be in good hands with your omega. I can see in his eyes he’ll care for you. And your father…” Pater’s chin trembled.
“He can’t raise a baby alone!”
“You and your Vale can help him.”
“Stop calling him my Vale. He’s just Vale. He’s my omega, and he’s not going to raise my little brother that you’re selfishly insisting on having.” Jason shoved his plate away, hard enough that it skidded to the other side of the table and almost toppled off.
“Jason…” Pater sounded just like he did when he’d scolded Jason when growing up.
“No. Stop.” Jason thrust back from the table and stood up, pointing down at Pater. “And what if the baby doesn’t make it and you die for nothing? For no good reason at all? What then? Please, Pater. This
doesn’t have to happen. Father said he could find someone to…to… handle it.”
Pater shook his head and lit another cigarette, his fingers shaking. “That’s so risky, Jason. You’re young. You don’t understand the consequences, but your father and I do. We’ve seen what can happen. My life isn’t worth Yule going to prison. I’d rather die trying to do this for him than die in a prison cell, forced to endure heats alone, and knowing your father was miserable and frantic in a separate cell without me.” Pater jabbed his cigarette Jason’s way. “And let me tell you, prison is the best scenario if we’re caught. I lost an omega friend when I was quite young. He was unbonded and fell into heat unexpectedly. He did what he had to do and ended up getting an abortion. He was caught two days later. Executed within a week.”
Jason’s mouth went dry.
But Pater wasn’t done. “Not to mention the abortion procedure itself is risky. Doctors aren’t trained in how to do it and so few good ones are willing. Omegas have been known to die from the attempt alone. Our anatomy is delicate. The instrument meant to save us can finish us.” Pater sucked on his cigarette and then ashed in his plate. “So, again, I’d rather risk my life to give this child a chance, than to die trying to destroy it.”
“Pater, please…” Jason whispered. “I don’t want to lose you. Please don’t do this.”
“There’s no good choice here, Jason. I have to take the least bad one. Like I said, this baby wants to be born. He’s held on for seven weeks now. That’s over a quarter of the full twenty week term.”
“How long have you known?”
“A week or so. Your father smelled him for the first time yesterday. That means he’s growing larger. He’s healthy. If only I can hold onto him…”
The sound of shattering glass came from upstairs. Pater jumped up, knocking his chair over, as he rushed toward the dining room door. Jason followed, his heart aching like a horse-kick to his chest. Racing up the stairs, he passed his Pater easily and reached his parents’ bedroom first. Jerking open the door, he found the room in darkness.
Their wide bed was made neatly and the other furniture in the room loomed like giant shadows. Father stood by a broken window, staring out into the night. Cold air poured in and whooshed past Jason into the hallway.
“I’m fine,” Father said, in a dead, lifeless voice. “Go away.”
“Yule!” Pater cried from the stairs, coming up as quickly as he could, but his face had gone pale and he was trembling.
Jason moved out of his way as Pater entered the room and took in the scene.
“I’m fine, Miner,” Father repeated, leaning a bleeding hand against the window frame. He kept his eyes trained out the broken window into the front yard. The stars shone in the black sky, clearer without the glass to reflect the light from inside. They looked like pinpricks of white in a navy curtain.
Pater pushed past Jason and into the room. “What did you do?”
“I needed some fresh air and the window was stuck. So I broke it. But everything’s fine now.”
Jason’s stomach ached and tears ran down his face. “Nothing’s fine!”
Father kept his strong back straight and his face blank as he stared outside.
Pater moved toward him, saying over his shoulder, “Jason, go downstairs. I’ll deal with this.”
“But—”
“Go,” Father echoed, his voice hollow and empty.
Pater mustered a reassuring smile, but it was bullshit, like everything else since dinner had started.
Jason shut the door on his parents and hovered in the hallway within calling range, but after a few minutes pacing, he didn’t hear anything from behind the door. He pressed his ear to the wood and listened, making out only murmurs.
After a long time, he headed to his bedroom, but the scent of Vale and their come on the shirt stuffed under his pillow assaulted his nose like a surreal spike of joy in the midst of a funeral.
He backed out quickly and headed downstairs, turning toward Pater’s conservatory. He tore off his tie and suit coat, throwing them on Pater’s sofa. He rolled up his shirtsleeves, thinking he would practice guitar, but even with the instrument in his hands he couldn’t rest. He paced the room, again and again. Finally, he took out a piece of paper from the desk to write a fast note. He left it on a table in the front hall, before exiting out the door into the night.
Jason didn’t normally walk the streets after dark. It was a different world with the streetlamps glowing and the houses dark. The electric lights on inside most shone like melted butter. A few of the less wealthy houses flickered with candles, and Jason wondered what it would be like to have so little.
There were crowds on the street, surprisingly. Alphas, omegas, alone and together, and wads of betas who were dressed up for the clubs and parties. Those without strong family ties went out on the night of Feast of the Expectant Wolf, apparently. Funny, he’d never thought of what they might do to celebrate before.
He kept his mind focused on the goings on around him, like the fantastic outfits and the street performers with their songs and poetry readings. If he forced his attention on the moment, then he didn’t have to think about his parents. He couldn’t. If he did, then his heart thundered and threatened to explode. He felt lightheaded like his lungs had stopped working, and the world tipped around him crazily. He just kept walking, kept watching, and tried not to feel anything at all.
Into the city, down the familiar streets turned strange in the darkness, ignoring the questioning stares that came his way, he walked without ever looking back. His feet knew where to go. Before long, he stood outside Vale’s fenced front yard, gazing up at it from beneath the big oak tree.
He opened the gate, walked up the path, and stood on the front porch. Music came from deep in the house, and he considered walking around to peer in the windows to make sure Vale was alone. If he wasn’t…if Urho had returned to check on him? He felt sick deep inside at the thought of them together, but he squashed it down. Looking through the long, narrow side window by the front door, he saw Vale heading down the hallway toward his study.
Jason’s breath caught in his throat. Vale was so handsome in a silver, satin robe, matching pajama bottoms, and fuzzy, gold-colored slippers. Zephyr followed at his heels, prancing with her tail up and her head high. Save for the cat, he seemed to be alone.
Jason knocked.
Vale startled but turned to the door, wrapping his robe more tightly as he approached. Cautiously, the door opened a crack, and Vale peeked out, one green eye checking who was disturbing him so late. Then the door flung open wide. “Jason? What in wolf’s name…? Did you forget something?”
Jason lifted his head and said nothing, but Vale’s eyes widened in his pale face.
“Oh, darling. What’s wrong? Come in.” He tugged Jason inside, shutting the door on the cold night. The sound of violin overlaying piano drifted from the direction of Vale’s study and then a deep baritone voice spoke in the soothing beat of a radio announcer.
Vale’s head tilted and peered questioningly at Jason. “What’s the matter? You look pale as death.”
Jason noticed the red mark on Vale’s neck. The one he’d left there earlier when the world had been beautiful and full of possibilities. “I didn’t know where else to go.”
Vale tugged him deeper into the house, pulling him close. It was only when Vale whispered, “You’re so cold,” that Jason realized he’d left home without a coat.
“Talk to me. What’s happened?” Vale’s voice was tight in his ear. He leaned back enough to take in Jason’s face again. “Is it your parents? Are they angry with you? With us? About earlier?”
Jason shook his head, but his throat was too clogged for words to come. He squeezed Vale closer, tucking his face against his neck, and held on.
Vale clucked in his ear, holding him hard. “Oh darling,” he said soothingly.
Jason valiantly tried not to cry, but hot tears ran down his cheeks and wretched little sobs hiccupped out
of him uncontrollably.
Vale rocked him back and forth as Zephyr wound around and around their legs. Vale hushed him and made promises Jason knew he couldn’t keep. After all, Pater was pregnant and determined to have the baby. So no.
Everything was not going to be all right.
Jason cried harder, his throat aching as his childhood broke away.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Vale tried to parse all that had tumbled out of Jason as he pushed him into the leather wingback chair in his study, and then knelt at his feet. He pressed a mug of hot tea into Jason’s hands and murmured, “He’s a stubborn man, isn’t he?”
Jason had shared the bare bones of his parents’ situation between attempts to quiet his tears in the hallway and then again in the kitchen as Vale had boiled the water for the tea. He’d obviously swallowed back the truly incriminating details about his pater’s habitual use of abortifacients, but Vale knew enough from his discussion with Rosen and his talk with Jason earlier to put the pieces together.
“Yes, he is,” Jason said, wiping at his eyes with his thumb and trying to manfully sniff away the evidence of his tears. “They’re going to be upset when they realize I’m gone.”
“You left a note?”
“Yes, but they’ll still worry.”
Vale glanced toward the phone on his desk. “Let’s call.”
“No. If they’re talking to each other, or fighting, or anything else, I don’t want to interrupt. I’m nineteen. Legally, I have the right to be here.”
“Technically, we’ve already violated a number of protocols…”
“Fine. You know what I mean.”
Vale nodded and rubbed Jason’s knee. “Drink the tea. It’ll help.”
It was an herbal blend meant to bring calmness and peace. Rosen and Yosef had given it to him for his birthday last year, citing his tendency to worry. He hoped it would ease Jason’s distress. Plus, one of the components of the blend was the active ingredient in alpha quell, and so having Jason drink it made Vale feel it much less likely they’d end up fucking before the night was out. Though that remained to be seen, especially with the tremors of his oncoming heat rumbling beneath his skin.
