by Leta Blake
Miner sneered, patting at his chest pocket for the silver cigarette case and coming up empty. “You’re a fool. Being Érosgápe is a blessing and a curse. You’ll feel the pain regardless. So will he.”
“I’m doing this for his sake.”
“You’re not. You’re scared. You’re hiding!”
“At least he’ll have children. I understand they’re compelling creatures, worth giving up one’s own happiness and life for.” Vale grimaced as his arrow found its way home and Miner went even paler and held his hand to his heart. “I’ll keep your secrets, accept your allowance, and in return…”
“Yes?” Yule said, tightly.
“You’ll keep your son away from me.”
Vale’s throat ached as he turned and left the room. Yosef waited in the hallway, but Vale shook his head at him, taking the stairs two at a time. He had one more thing to do before he could head home, curl up in his bed, and hope to die.
First, he had to break Jason’s heart.
Jason returned to the house with a bag of groceries and a head full of bees. He felt strange and disjointed, as if the pleasure of being inside Vale last night had never happened and the only reality was the misery radiating from his parents.
He’d tried to put it all aside and focus on the fact that today Vale would sign the contract and they’d be officially contracted as Érosgápe. What that meant in terms of his day-to-day life, he didn’t know. They’d discuss living arrangements today for the final touches of the contract.
He hoped he could begin staying at Vale’s house immediately. He’d see about having all of his things sent to him over the next few weeks. He allowed himself to fantasize about taking Vale back home, making him dinner, and fucking him until they both fell asleep in Vale’s big cream and brown bed.
Still, he couldn’t get as excited as he wanted. He blamed his parents and this wolf-god forsaken pregnancy, but he also couldn’t shake the goodbye he and Vale had exchanged the night before. He remembered how Vale’s green eyes had filled with tears as he’d opened the door for Jason to leave.
“Don’t cry. We’ll just be apart for a few hours,” Jason had said, wishing that Vale would have agreed to let him stay and for them to go to the negotiations together.
Vale had kissed him then, strangely desperate, and when they’d broken apart he’d said, “Keep that kiss in your memory forever. Promise me.”
Jason had promised, confused, but he wasn’t going to deny Vale something so simple. Of course he’d remember the kiss forever. He’d remember everything about Vale forever.
After he’d given his promise, Vale had steered him out the door and sent him on his way. Nothing had felt right since.
The house was oddly quiet when he came in the front door, and he blinked to see Yosef seated on the bench in the hallway with his briefcase and a stack of papers in his hands.
“You’re early,” Jason said, smiling. “I’d shake your hand, but I’m juggling a lot here.”
Yosef stood, reaching out to take a bag. “Let me help get these to the kitchen.” He glanced up the stairs then and said, “On second thought, why don’t you just let me take them all and you go get dressed?”
Jason flushed. “Am I late? I didn’t think I stayed away that long.”
“You’re fine.” Yosef took the bags easily. “Go on upstairs.”
“All right. Just leave those on the kitchen counter if you don’t mind. There’s nothing that will spoil. I’ll make the platters when I’ve showered and dressed.”
Yosef said nothing, disappearing down the hallway, heading to the kitchen with the bags.
Jason took the stairs two at a time. Adrenaline kicked through his system. He’d taken alpha quell that morning, but he grabbed two from his pocket and swallowed them quickly. He’d be calm and business-like through this negotiation and collect his prize as soon as it was over.
No matter how strange everything felt. Today was going to be a good day. He’d make sure of it.
The door to his room was open. He frowned, wondering who’d invaded his space and why. His parents better not have touched his come-covered shirt from the day before. He still hadn’t had time to enjoy it properly. He stepped inside his room, his nose instantly recognizing that the shirt was still there, and something more.
Vale was there, too.
“What are you doing?” Jason asked, uncertainty enveloping him.
Vale jerked and nearly dropped the drawing Jason had attempted of sand as it looked under the microscope. “I wanted to see your room before it was over.” Vale’s voice trembled.
Jason’s hope fluttered in his chest, beating against the strangeness he’d felt all morning with fragile wings. “Since we consummated already,” Jason said shyly. “It’s just a matter of signing the papers now. I would have shown you afterward.”
Vale’s eyes went distant.
Hope’s wings shuddered with the effort to keep flying.
“Vale?” Jason asked. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve been thinking.” His voice sounded cracked, honey that’d hardened and shattered.
Jason swallowed. He took a step forward, his heart seizing when Vale took a step back. “About what?”
“About consummation,” Vale said quietly, keeping to his side of the room. “What makes it special? We’d already achieved orgasm together. Did putting your penis in my body really change so much?”
“Yes.” Jason’s voice quavered. “Didn’t it change things for you?”
Vale shrugged, his pale skin going paler as he looked back down at the paper. “What exactly would it change?”
“It strengthens the developing bond,” Jason said, closing the door to his room and leaning back against it. He hoped his father or pater didn’t come banging. He didn’t think they would, though. Something about the silence in the house told him they weren’t going to interfere.
Vale sighed. “The bond. Right.”
“Because we’re Érosgápe.” What was wrong with Vale? Why was he so distant, so different?
“What is it about sex that makes the bond grow?” Vale asked.
“I don’t know. It’s special between Érosgápe. It felt special to me.”
Vale nodded reluctantly.
“And then during heat there’ll be knotting,” Jason offered. Obviously, he’d never knotted anyone before. His cock grew hard just imagining being in Vale so tight and deep, knotted so big he couldn’t pull out even if he wanted to. He wanted to feel Vale climax again and again on his knot. He wanted to wring him out with pleasure. “Knotting is special.”
Vale gave Jason’s now-distended pants a disdainful eyebrow. “Yes, knotting also helps with the bond. Or that’s what they say.” His words echoed hollowly, and he looked down at the paper in his hand one more time before placing it carefully on Jason’s desk.
He cleared his throat and met Jason’s eye. “I’ve had a lot of alphas, Jason. A lot of alphas, and I’ve taken a lot of knots.”
Jason’s throat went tight and he shook his head. “I don’t care.”
Vale held up his hand. “If you knew how many and if you knew the truth, you won’t be able to help but care. Which is why I need to tell you now.”
“Vale…”
“You said the other night I should tell when I’m ready, and, while I think that’s admirable, it’s bullshit. See, the thing is, I need to tell you now, before we sign anything. It doesn’t matter if I’m ready or not. It doesn’t matter what I want or don’t want. Do you understand?”
“No.”
Vale’s breath shuddered hard, but he straightened his back and went on, “Jason, once you know everything, you won’t want me anymore.”
“That’s not true.” Jason’s stomach hurt and his knees shook.
“It is. And even if you tried to ignore what I tell you, pretend it doesn’t matter? It will matter. It wouldn’t be long before you came to resent me and regret what I’d stolen from you.”
“I don’t care how many�
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“Stop talking now.”
Jason’s mouth clamped shut.
Vale stalked toward him. “I was twenty-one when they took me off the heat suppressants after I graduated Mont Juror. Two weeks later, I went into heat for the first time and I had no one.” Vale stopped a few feet in front of Jason, his eyes bright with anger. “It was excruciating. I begged my omega friend who sat with me to kill me. I screamed so long I lost my voice and then I still tried to scream some more. My body felt like it was on fire. Wave after wave of fire.”
Jason’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you.”
“You were a child,” Vale snapped. “Now listen to me.”
Jason swallowed hard and nodded, trying to hear over the rushing in his ears. His legs quivered.
“After that, I hired surrogates for several years. Never the same one. They were expensive and they were strangers and I hated how I needed them. I loathed them.” Vale clenched his fists. “When each event was over, I never wanted to see them again, and I made sure I didn’t.”
Vale’s eyes dulled with painful memories. Jason wanted to say something to take away the hurt, to amputate his past, but he couldn’t. He kept quiet and let Vale talk.
“In my late twenties, I was a new professor at Mont Nessadare when I realized my heat would arrive during midterms. I decided to try the heat suppressants the government had recently approved for adult omegas. I knew for many they weren’t as effective as the strain they gave us at Mont Juror, but I had to try, for my career and for my students. It worked. My heat was delayed by almost a month, but then it came on hard.”
“Rebound?” Jason asked.
Vale shuddered. “Yosef and Rosen had to enlist the help of four alpha friends to get me through it. Do you understand how intense it was, Jason? Four alphas could barely satisfy me. I was so worn out after that I had to take additional time off from work to recover. It was a disaster.”
“Is that where you got the scar tissue?”
“No.” Vale went so pale Jason was afraid he was going to pass out. “That came a year later when I tried the heat suppressants again.”
The sun outside Jason’s window shifted behind a cloud, darkening the room into a cool shadow.
Vale went on, his expression lost and distant. “Yosef and Rosen had gifted me with a trip to the beach for my birthday. I knew the dates would run up against my heat, but I didn’t want to ruin their present.” Vale hiccupped a harsh laugh. “I thought surely the rebound wouldn’t be as bad as the time before, and I lined up a few alphas to help me out when I returned home.” He ran a hand over his beard, fingers shaking. “The suppressants held my heat off for a week and a half. The day before we were to return, it hit me full force. There was no warning, no lead-up, and I went out of my mind with pain. Yosef and Rosen took turns watching me, while the other would go out to seek an alpha for help. But they couldn’t find a decent one willing to help an unknown omega. They couldn’t keep watch over me all the time. Eventually, Rosen fell asleep and I ran. I was desperate for anything to quench my need, to put out the fire inside.”
Jason felt queasy. “What happened?”
“I don’t know. I was missing for three full days. I have no idea how many alphas had me or how many times. I remember there were fights over me. I remember I let whoever wanted to fuck me do so again and again. I think betas even had me. I just cried for them to move off and let an alpha back on top, because I needed their sizable cocks to stop the fire. The alphas laughed at me and used me horribly. I cursed them, but then I’d sob with relief when the next one mounted me. The alphas were rough. I didn’t care. I wanted it hard.”
“Please stop.”
“You need to know.”
“Just stop!”
Vale licked his lips and spoke quietly. “When it was over, I was pregnant. That was clear very quickly.”
Jason shook his head. “No, no, no.”
“Yes. I was carrying a baby. Whose? I had no idea. Of the unknown number of alphas who’d fucked me, one lucky gentleman’s sperm got to my egg and set off the chain reaction of cell division.”
“Wolf-god…”
“I admit I was terrified.” Vale’s voice was steady now, like he was speaking words someone else had set down for him. “I had no one to turn to. Both my parents were gone and I couldn’t risk telling many people. I’d lose my position at the university. Be ostracized. I had my inheritance, but how long would it last? And to what end?”
Jason felt lightheaded, but he couldn’t seem to move or do anything other than stare at Vale as he talked on and on and on about this horrible thing that Jason didn’t want to know.
“I confided in Yosef and Rosen, of course. They’re the ones who’d found me in that broken down hovel, still wet with blood and come. They’d looked for me for days, scared that I’d been brutalized or murdered.” Vale’s voiced cracked. “I owe them everything for keeping my secrets.”
Jason’s gut churned.
“I knew I had a limited amount of time if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. I confided in an omega friend of mine from school. It’d been rumored he’d experienced a similar event around an unexpected heat. That’s when I met Urho Chase.” Vale lifted his chin. “I didn’t meet him on campus like I’ve let Yosef and Rosen believe. My omega friend referred me to him. You see, Urho had helped him once and, when I needed him most, he helped me, too.”
“Urho?”
“Performed the abortion. Yes. That’s how I came to know him and how he agreed to help me deal with future heats. Rosen and Yosef don’t know he’s the doctor who helped me. Until now, it’s been Urho’s and my secret.”
Jason’s mind spun, trying to process everything. “You aborted the baby?”
“Yes. It didn’t go smoothly. Urho did his best, but I started seizing from a reaction to the anesthesia. His hand slipped, and he cut me badly. As the seizure went on, I start hemorrhaging and nearly died. He saved me. But the result is that scar tissue in my colon…my birth canal. That’s what you felt the other day with your fingers.”
Jason swallowed hard.
“I can’t bear a child, Jason. Like your pater, in all likelihood I’d die.” A bitter smile twisted Vale’s beautiful mouth. “And call me selfish, but I’m not about to sacrifice myself for you. And I won’t let you share my fate. You’re a good man, you’ve done nothing wrong, and you’ll make a wonderful father. You deserve a family. You should take a surrogate.”
Jason shook his head, tongue numb and irresponsive.
Vale smiled tenderly, one hand reaching toward Jason but not touching. “You won’t feel for him the same way you feel for me, but he’ll be young and able—no, eager—to bear several children. And a surrogate omega can help you overcome the longing you’ll have for me, and, if you choose wisely, you could be his salvation, too.”
“How?”
Vale took another step forward. Tears welled in his eyes. “You could contract with a young widower, for example, and help him through his grief. You could help each other. And I’d be free to carry on as I did before. The way I prefer.” Tears spilled over as Vale said, “And that’s what I truly want, Jason. I won’t sign a contract with you. It will be a mercy for everyone.”
Jason’s vision swarmed with small black dots as Vale stalked out of the room. Gulping air, Jason tried to breathe, but still the room spun. As the darkness got the better of him, he collapsed to sit on the floor. There he stayed—unable to fathom the stunning vacancy in his heart where so recently joy had lived.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“He left you? That makes no sense!” Xan blew across the top of his mug of hot apple cider and then took a careful sip. “Are you sure that’s what he wanted? Maybe you were supposed to chase after him, like in those romance books betas and omegas like to read.”
“I’m sure,” Jason said dully. His drink was a foamy one, the coffee shop’s daily special. He didn’t know what flavor it was supposed
to be; he’d been so distracted when ordering it. He poked a knife at the flower the barista had drawn in the foam, disrupting it and sending it into a meaningless swirl resembling the mess of his mind.
“I don’t know,” Xan said. “Like I said, it doesn’t make sense. He was lucky to have you.” He glanced over the rim of his cup with heat in his eyes. “Really lucky.” He shoved his hair off his forehead and shrugged. “Something else is going on. He doesn’t really want you to take a surrogate. No omega wants their Érosgápe to do that.”
Jason hadn’t told Xan all the things Vale had said. He’d never betray Vale’s confidence like that, but right now he wanted to. He wanted to lay it all out and have his best friend tell him what to think and feel and do. He wanted Xan to tell him how to salvage it.
“What if…” Jason trailed off.
“What?”
“This is purely hypothetical, of course.”
“Right.” Xan’s eyes narrowed, smarter than his grades gave him credit for. “Hypothetically then, what if, what?”
“What if the reason he doesn’t want to be with me is because he does want to be with me?”
“That’s what I just said. He wants you to chase after him. Omegas love to be courted. Maybe you didn’t do enough to woo him.”
“No, not like that.” Jason growled in frustration. “What if he wants me to be happy and he truly believes I won’t be happy with him.”
“Oh.” Xan frowned, sipping his drink. “Well, he might be right. I mean, like I said from the beginning, he’s—”
“If you say ‘used up’, wolf-god help me, Xan, I will punch you right here and now.” Jason had been inside Vale and he wouldn’t let that beautiful experience be cheapened. “There is no way for a human being to be ‘used up’. Omegas aren’t like pencil erasers—only so many uses before they’re done.”
“That was an asshole thing for me to say,” Xan agreed. “Sometimes I’m like that. I can’t help it. Especially when it comes to you, and, unlike your omega, I’m not selfless in my feelings, okay? If you told me right now that you wanted to start up again, I’d be ready for that.”
