Skinny Pants

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  “Jack, I know you’ve been through a hell of a lot,” Taylor said with an edge to her voice, “but it’s been almost two years now. It’s time to move on.”

  “Well, fuck, Taylor. I thought that was what I was doing with Macie.” He had just needed time to really get to know her. On his terms. In his way. Without interference from anyone.

  Taylor sighed. “Are you sure it can’t be salvaged? Colt said she was really nice, and I believe him. She was more horrified than mad when you humiliated her the other night at the game. There’s got to be some angel or saint genes in there.”

  Jack still fumed over the whole thing, but maybe Taylor was right. Maybe it had all been a coincidence. “It doesn’t change today. It doesn’t change that she catfished me on some fucking dating site.” It doesn’t change that I hit her. Oh God, what have I done?

  “I’m still not following, Jack. She pretended to be another woman while she was dating you?”

  “No. I mean yes.” He released a groan. “I don’t know.”

  “Okay. What did she say? Start from the beginning, before you acted like a coldhearted monster and punched the poor woman in the nose.”

  One hour earlier.

  Ever since the night he’d left Macie in the skybox, Jack hadn’t been able to get past his anger. It was no secret to any of them that Luci Leon-Parker, the owner of the Happy Pants Café, had her ways of playing matchmaker that confounded them all. She knew tens of thousands of people, many in position to quietly pull strings—politicians, Hollywood stars, rock stars, CEOs, judges, you name it. She knew them, and they all owed her favors. Luckily, Luci only had love in her crosshairs.

  In an interview she’d given a few years ago, to a Harper Branton, Luci said she’d been the daughter of a poor immigrant couple from Mexico. When they died, all she had was the bakery her mother started in the same spot where the shop stood today. It was there that Luci met the love her life, and when his young life was cut short, his life insurance left her a wealthy woman. With their three small children fatherless, Luci had used the money to raise her kids and bring love—the kind she’d had with her husband—to as many as possible.

  All of this meant that Luci was not just your ordinary coffee shop owner/baker. She was tough, a survivor, and she had her ways of getting things done. In any case, Jack needed to look Luci in the eyes and hear the truth. Had Macie been involved in Luci’s scheme? Because he hoped he was wrong. He was falling for Macie and needed to know it was real, not some made-up contrived bullshit.

  Jack walked into the Happy Pants Café, and given it wasn’t cookie season, the crowd wasn’t its usual rock-concert mayhem. Most of the patrons sat outside on the patio, sipping coffee, while a few tourists posed for pictures.

  But when he opened the door, there stood Macie. If he’d thought she looked sexy that one day in her workout bra—yes, yes, he was a breast man—then today she was stunning. A short red skirt to show off her toned legs. Someone’s been working out. A low-cut blouse to show off her ample breasts. Her dark hair, long and silky, cascaded down her shoulders. Macie was sexy, and he liked the idea of a woman he could fuck all night and not break. And, secretly, he had always fantasized about being with a feisty woman. Doris had always been on the timid side, which was why he loved how Macie didn’t take crap from anyone and seemed like the type who could keep up with his busy life. Like he’d said, he wasn’t looking for a fuck. He was looking for a real woman to share his life with.

  “Macie?”

  She turned with a smile and looked at him. “Hi, Jack.” She wasn’t surprised to see him.

  “What are you doing here?”

  She drew a breath. “Can we talk over there in the corner?” She glanced at an empty table near the back door.

  In the meantime, Jack’s brain quickly produced a number of unsavory theories to explain her presence. Somehow, that love-witch Luci knew he was coming here and she’d told Macie.

  More scheming.

  But how? How would Luci know? He’d only just decided a few hours ago to come after a surgery had been cancelled. He hadn’t told a soul.

  “Just tell me why you’re here,” he spat impatiently, trying to ignore how her plump lips looked pink and shimmery and kissable.

  “Fine. I didn’t want to make a scene, but I think there’s no way around it.” She lifted her chin. “I’m Catrina. And I know that’s a shock, but I never made the profile intending to catfish you. Or anyone. I hadn’t even met you yet, but then you were my doctor and we hit it off and I didn’t know what to say and I’m really fucking this up because I had this whole speech planned out and I can’t remember any of it other than to say I’m falling in love with you. And I don’t know how this mess really happened, but you were a dick to me the other night! And it hurt. And I don’t want to talk about it or Catrina or how you first picked a thin, fit me over the real me, which makes you a little shallow, but I like you anyway. A lot, Jack. So I’m asking for a fresh start.”

  What the fuck is she on? Not one word Macie said had made sense. Not one.

  Just then, a short bald man with a huge beer belly, wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt, waddled in. He walked up to the cash register. “I’m looking for Catrina. She’s supposed to meet me here.” He pushed his bottle-cap glasses up his nose.

  Macie’s head whipped in the man’s direction.

  Then it clicked in Jack’s mind. Macie had just said she was Catrina. This guy was looking for Catrina.

  “What the hell is going on, Macie?” he growled.

  Macie blinked, her big brown eyes toggling between that guy and him.

  “Uh-uh…”

  “Hey. You!” Jack barked at the man. “You said you’re here for Catrina?”

  The portly man turned his head, and when he took a good look at Jack, he nearly fell over.

  “Who are you!” Jack demanded.

  Panic in his eyes, the man bolted for the door.

  “Hey! Get back here!” Jack yelled. He was going to get to the bottom of this.

  The man waddle-sprinted through the table area, down the alley and out to the parking lot, where Jack caught up. He grabbed him by the collar. “Who the fuck are you?”

  “Jack! Jack!” Macie came up.

  “Who is he, Macie?”

  “I don’t know. Let him go,” she pleaded.

  “You were asking for Catrina. Who’s Catrina?” Jack demanded to the man.

  “I’m Catrina. I just told you,” Macie said.

  The bald guy looked at Macie and then began laughing.

  “What’s so funny, asshole?” Jack snarled.

  “She’s…she’s…Catrina. And I’m you,” the man said.

  Macie stared at the man. “Wait. Hold on. You’re Dr. J-Love?”

  The man nodded.

  “You catfished me using Jack’s photo?” Macie gasped.

  Again, the man nodded frantically. “My sister met him once and wouldn’t stop raving about his looks, so I stole the photos off his Facebook page. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t meet women any other way.”

  It all suddenly clicked in Jack’s head. He just couldn’t believe it.

  “You’ve been using my pictures to pick up women online?” Jack snarled at the man and cocked his fist. “Let’s see how well you can impersonate me when you try to fix your face!” Jack’s fist flew forward at the exact moment that Macie pushed her arm and shoulder between them, trying to separate the two. The blow skidded off her collarbone and somehow went right to the side of Macie’s nose. She dropped like a sack of potatoes.

  “Oh shit!” Jack released the man and went to help Macie.

  “Ow! Oh God!” She rolled to her side on the cement, cupping her face.

  Luci appeared out of nowhere, likely just heading into her shop. “Dios mio! What did you do, Jack?”

  Jack ignored her. “Macie? Macie, are you okay?”

  Behind him, he heard the man chuckle bitterly. “You two deserve each other.”

  Jack glanced ove
r his shoulder as his “doppelgänger” scurried away.

  “Macie? Can I take a look?” Jack pleaded.

  “No. Go away!” Macie whimpered.

  “You heard the girl, Dr. Jack Reed,” Luci said, making his name sound like a cuss word. “Let her alone. You’ve done enough damage, you monster!”

  He stood, bobbing his head. “This all happened because of your lies and scheming. But I’m the monster?”

  “Just go, Jack!” Luci barked, helping Macie to her feet.

  “I’m sorry I hit you, Macie. It was an accident. But don’t ever speak to me again. Same goes for you, Luci. You’re all fucking insane.” He walked away.

  “Okay, so let me get this straight,” Taylor said to Jack, who was still parked at the side of the road. “Some man stole your photo and was catfishing women online.”

  “Yes,” Jack growled. The strange part was that the guy actually had the balls to show up and meet Macie face-to-face. How many other women had he attempted these dates with, and what the hell did he think would happen when they found out the truth? They looked nothing alike.

  “And,” Taylor continued, “somehow Macie catfished him, thinking she was catfishing you this entire time?”

  “Something like that. Yeah.”

  “Wow. So she thought she was having this relationship with you online and you had no clue. This is crazy. I wonder what the other guy said to her?”

  “Apparently, a lot of things because she said I was into some thinner version of her.” Ludicrous! Then she’d actually had the balls to accuse him of being shallow! Him!

  “Okay, but the truth is, she didn’t catfish you,” Taylor said. “So you can’t hold that against her.”

  “What’s the difference? It shows the kind of deceit she’s capable of.”

  “She came clean, and then you punched her in the face, Jack!”

  “An accident. None of which would’ve happened if you, Luci, and Macie behaved like normal, honest people instead of playing all these fucking games with my life.”

  “For the last time, Jack, there were no games. At least, not that I’m aware of. And Luci’s been too sick to worry about your love life. Trust me. This is all some very, very strange string of coincidences that you managed to blow up into a gigantic mess.”

  How was this all his fault? He hadn’t lied to anyone. He hadn’t played with anyone’s heart. He’d just wanted to date the damned woman and find out if she might be the one for him! So sue me!

  “I gotta go clear my head. I’ll call you later.” Jack ended the call, fully intending to drive west toward the coast, but instead found himself driving to Macie’s apartment. He needed to know she was all right. And then…he needed her to know what was on his mind.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Jack pulled up in front of Macie’s apartment complex, all of them single-story, Mediterranean-style stucco with palm trees and green lawns. Nice, but he liked his space and solitude, which was why he’d bought a house tucked along a hillside, surrounded by trees, all overlooking miles of neatly combed vineyards. His favorite thing to do was to sit out on his terrace and watch the sunset with a glass of red wine—for his heart, of course.

  And good thing I take care of myself because the women in my life are clearly out to kill me. He knocked on Macie’s front door, and it quickly opened, but it wasn’t Macie. “Is Macie here?”

  “Who are you?” the redhead asked.

  “Jack,” he replied.

  “You!” With a crazy look in her eyes, she stepped right up to him and pointed her finger in his face. “Where do you get off punching a woman?”

  “I was aiming for the asshole who’s been catfishing women with my stolen picture.”

  “I don’t care. Macie’s nose is all swollen. I think you broke it.”

  “Let me see her.” He didn’t recall any blood or bones cracking when he made contact, but there’d been so much commotion.

  “Let him in so I can yell at him in person!” Macie screamed from somewhere in the apartment.

  The redhead stepped aside and allowed him to enter. “She’s in there.” The woman pointed to a doorway past the living room.

  He found Macie lying back in her bed with a bag of ice on her nose. The blonde he’d seen here the other night sat at Macie’s side.

  “Hi,” he said, trying to stay calm and act professionally at least for this part of the visit.

  Still in her outfit from earlier, Macie didn’t look at him. “What do you want?” she mumbled.

  He went over and sat next to her. He instantly noticed how her room smelled sweet, like roses and lavender. He liked that about Macie. She was feminine and caring, always acting tougher than she was. Still, she was stronger than anyone he’d ever met, proof being the day she ran three miles up that hill and then whipped off her T-shirt, no qualms, to bandage his leg. He’d almost gotten hard right then and there, seeing her breasts nearly falling out of that bra. And then the way she took action, not giving a fuck about what anyone might think of her walking back to the parking lot shirtless. She’d only cared about helping him. That was his kind of woman.

  “Take the ice away. Let me see,” he demanded.

  “No. I’m fine.”

  “I’m the plastic surgeon with facial-trauma expertise, not you.”

  “The only reason I let you in is because I wanted to tell you what an asshole you are. You’re an asshole. You can go now.”

  Jack looked over his shoulder at her two friends standing in the doorway, frothing at the mouths like rabid pit bulls. “Can you give us some privacy?”

  “Nope.” The redhead crossed her arms, and the blonde followed suit.

  “It’s okay,” muttered Macie.

  “Fine,” said the redhead, “but we’ll be right on the other side of that door with our ears pressed to it.” The two women left and closed the door behind them.

  “Macie, I came here because I was worried, of course. But also, because I wanted you to know that you were wrong. The lying, the games, the things you assumed about me. I actually had feelings for you, strong ones. But I don’t jump into relationships with anyone. I can’t. I won’t. There are just too many women out there who pretend to be something they’re not. The sad part is I thought you were different.”

  Macie removed the ice and sat up. “What are you trying to say?” she snarled.

  He looked at her nose, and it was puffy and red. There were purple marks under her eyes. “Is it broken?”

  “I don’t think so. You just smacked it good. Now tell me.”

  “I will if you let me look at your nose.”

  She lifted her chin. “Fine,” she growled.

  Carefully, Jack touched the side of her nose, feeling for any breaks. “Does it hurt when I press here?”

  “No.”

  Jack felt a wave of relief. “It’s not broken.”

  “Told you.”

  “Just keep ice on it for a few more hours. The swelling should go away in a few days.”

  “Yep. I know,” she said, irritated. “I’m a nurse. It’s not the first nose I’ve seen. So now tell me what you came to say, then leave.”

  Jack’s words suddenly felt all mixed up inside. He felt beyond angry and disappointed. He felt like Macie had robbed him—robbed them both, really—of a chance to be together. I liked her so much. From that first moment they’d met, there was something about the way she looked right through him that made him forget about Doris. He didn’t understand why Macie had this effect. All he knew was that she made his soul feel lighter. Since then, every time they were together, his feelings felt a little stronger, and he began feeling a little more like himself. Whole. Open to loving a woman. This woman. Macie just had a spunkiness and humility about her he found attractive. She didn’t have a clue how beautiful she was.

  Which is why…I can’t. I can’t put myself in the position to fall in love with her. Trust was far too important, and he would never get there with her.

  Jack inhaled slowly
. “I don’t want to see you anymore, Macie, but I needed you to know that it’s not because I don’t find you attractive or want some thin woman, and you know it’s true because I told you not to do the procedure.”

  “You told me you wanted me to run with you.”

  “Because it’s something I enjoy doing, and I’m looking for a partner who can share more with me than just my bed.”

  “Oh.” She looked down at her hands. “So it’s over before it ever began.”

  “I asked one thing of you, Macie. Just one. And that was to be honest. Call me fucked up. Call me anything you like, but I can’t share my life with a woman who plays those kinds of games.”

  “It’s not what you think, Jack. I had two glasses of wine, and that Dr. Dickhead had snubbed me that morning because I’m not some skinny hot nurse, and I just did it. I put up a profile on some dating site, and there you were. We chatted for hours—half of it I don’t even remember. The next morning, I knew what I’d done was wrong and deleted my profile.”

  “Then how’d you meet up with that joker today?”

  She blew out a breath. “In my very tipsy state, I apparently gave him my email address and phone number—not my best choice. And then I met you for real, and I liked you. Then he contacted me a few times and—”

  “So you kept pretending to be this other person, Macie? What if that had been me? How can I forgive that sort of lie?”

  Macie nodded, a solemn look on her face. “You can’t. Because you’re right. It was underhanded and wrong. And I should’ve known better. I also should’ve known it wasn’t you—he was so open and easy to talk to. He was…”

  “What?”

  “Passionate.”

  “I’m passionate!” he argued. “Just takes me a while to get there.” Didn’t matter now. It was over, and maybe that was why he needed to come here, aside from checking her poor nose. He needed to look Macie in the eyes and see if there was any chance he could forgive her. Now he knew he couldn’t. All he saw was a repeat of Doris waiting to happen.