Unintended Heroes

by Paul Vayro

Chapter Two

  Hugo Cortizone stood atop the burning remnants of Straven Blade’s wilting castle. The hero's silhouette flickered against the flames that consumed the failed efforts of evil. Hanging from the hero's leg: a fair maiden; she glanced upwards and knew that this time the love she felt was real.

  The tower she’d been held in for weeks was the only part of the castle still free from fire. Looking down she saw Straven Blade hanging from the window sill she’d spent so long staring from, hoping to be saved. ‘Now who’s in control’? She thought to herself.

  Hugo looked up to the smoke filled sky, listening acutely. He awaited the arrival of his ship: Chieftains Desire. It hurtled towards them on auto pilot, timing its appearance for maximum effect.

  The strain of balancing on one leg reminded Hugo of the damsel that hung from his other strongly crafted limb. He’d been intending to pull her to safety, but a moment’s posturing within such a scene of carnage was too much to miss. He’d become sidetracked with thoughts of which month the image would suit best on his latest calendar. Preparing a one line quip to go with the final act of rescuing the lady, Hugo paused as the weight quadrupled, quickly followed by a scream that can only be produced with intense training and digital quality recording equipment. Hugo peered down to see Straven hanging from the maiden’s leg.

  Chieftains Desire slipped through the smoke and skidded to a halt, dropping a rope ladder and appearing to wink smugly. Hugo calmly reached out his barrel sized arms and took a firm hold of a rung. The maiden announced her grip was loosening, but Hugo had already noticed Straven’s miscalculation when leaping on to the lady's ankle: the tyrant was battling with his own grip. Straven could barely complete the various witty, threatening sentences he’d prepared.

  The beast slipped further down the perfectly sculpted calf of the damsel, quickly finding himself at the shoe: an easily removable item that should never be used to support your weight when dangling a mile above burning rubble. Hugo swung casually away from the building, transferring the unlikely trio's weight to the rope ladder at the exact moment the tower collapsed. Hugo looked down and locked eyes with his opponent; Straven knew he was beaten, although his rage was far from quelled. As the shoe came loose the evil-doer let out one final Hugo based curse, taking the high heel as his only reward. The two sides of good and evil maintained eye contact until Straven's soul became enveloped by flames. 'Straven Blade, you're fired'. Hugo smiled to himself, mainly at his wit. Straven had no such employment based retort as the remainder of the tower followed his path to the floor. Inevitability suggested its impact would finish the fatal job the fall had begun.

  With unerring timing Hugo grabbed the maiden's wrist just as her grip gave way. He pulled her towards his ample chest as the ladder retracted into the ship. Love poured from her eyes, only a sigh could escape her mouth.

  “Are you okay Madam?” With the final rungs of the ladder safely inside, the door closed without effort. The sound of carnage disappeared, replaced by cream carpeting and walls, and sleek, black furniture.

  “I am now.” As Hugo placed the girl on her feet she swooned back in to his arms. He scooped her up and lay her down on a particularly comfy looking sofa in the living area of his craft. Hugo strode defiantly to the front of the ship, entering the control room.

  “Take us somewhere safe from the evil that plagues our universe Chieftain. I’ve smelt enough harm for one day.”

  “Already plotted and on our way sir.” The ship spoke back with a level of honour reserved for war heroes being played by noble actors.

  Hugo picked up an all purpose cloth and began wiping away the ash of his latest adventure. His blonde locks remained buoyant yet singed at the ends. His red, skin-tight, lycra suit had charred in a pattern suggesting honour above pride. His ten foot frame of bulging defiance would show the bruises in a day or two’s time, but for now he had admin to sort.

  “Chieftain; call HQ”. Hugo sat down and looked thoughtfully out of the window. It was a good pose. He made a mental note to try and recreate the emotion at his next photo shoot.

  “Pleasant sequin. This is the Hero's Guild of all Things Heroic Splendid. My name is Tortilla and I will be dealing with your call today. If I could take your name and hero number I’d love to get started helping you in any way I can.”

  “Hero number 4.4, same as my grade. Cortizone’s the name, Hugo stands before it. I’m calling to report the demise of Straven Blade. A brave man with many qualities I’m proud to share, it’s just a shame he was misguided. He would have made a fine hero.” Hugo bit his knuckle for added emotion. “His efforts to colonise the idyllic planet of Cavalier Embrace have come to nothing, thanks to the good in the universe. I’m just proud to be its tool.”

  “Hu….Hugo Cortizone. Is that really you?” Tortilla would have fallen off his chair if he wasn’t paralysed with awe.

  “In the flesh, son.”

  “I feel so honoured. This is the greatest day of my life.” A tear appeared in the corner of the call centre worker's eye.

  “The honours all mine Tortilla. I’m proud to stand by anybody who plays even the smallest role in keeping our fine universe safe, especially the radio operators. After all, communication is the key to peace, and you guys are right there on the front line.”

  “You said my name. Hugo Cortizone said my name. Chop my ears off. I want it to be the last thing I ever hear.”

  “Keep calm son. I know how great I am but I’m just a man, a man beyond measure, but a man all the same.” Hugo tensed his bicep and gave it an adoring glance.

  “Of course sir. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’m just adding Cavalier Embrace to your list of planets, if I can find room that is. Crikey this is a long list.”

  “It’s not about the numerous planets I’ve saved, or even the numerous galaxies, but it’s the lives that can now flourish without the threat of evil hanging over their shoulder. Every one of those lives is as important to me as yours. That’s the secret to being a good hero Tortilla: humility. I may be the epitome of what a conscious being can be, but I never forget all you people that just aren’t as good as me. They’re what truly matter. They are my strength.” Hugo closed his eyes and let the beauty of his own speech sink in. Only a loving sigh returned across the airwaves in response.

  “Before you go sir, and my life goes in the only direction it can after the peak it just experienced….”

  “What is it Tortilla my old buddy?”

  The thud of Tortilla falling from his chair rung around the hull, followed by the sound of Tortilla clambering back to his seat. “Erm…would you be able to pick up a few lucky, lucky passengers on your way to the urgent gathering on Velos 19?”

  “Send the details to Chieftains navigation system. I’ll be more than happy to.”

  “We knew we could count on you…..Hugo.” He risked reciprocal familiarity.

  “Anytime. Over and out.”

  “Does that offer extend to me?” Hugo spun in his chair to find the recently rescued damsel fully awake and without any thoughts of rest on her mind. “The anytime comment that is, not the over and out part.” She didn’t believe in the mixed signal school of seduction.

  “You’ve been through quite an ordeal ma’am. Your fine body and mind may appreciate a little more rest.”

  “There’s only one thing I want to appreciate right now and it has nothing to do with resting.” She moved towards him expressing her wanton desire with every step, oozing the passion of a woman who’d been close to death but survived with her hair maintaining its natural bounce and style.

  “I feel it’s my duty to warn you. The experience of nearly dying before being rescued can lead to confusion and rash decisions being made. You’re prone to do things you would normally never consider. It’s similar to being drunk.” The urgency in Hugo’s voice elevated as his morals came under pressure from his subconscious desires.

  “Then pour me another drink you muscular titan of desire.” She punctuated
her sentence with a lunge, attaching her limbs to various parts of Hugo’s body and gripping tightly.

  “With lines like that how can I refuse? No, no I really shouldn’t ma’am. It would be taking advantage.” Hugo tried to remain an inactive participant in the proceedings until the damsel, tired of his protestations, massaged a delicate part of his leg with her one remaining heel. The effect was instantaneous. “Well if you’re going to insist.”

  The auto pilot took over and read through the data it had been sent by The Hero's Guild. It set a course for its new passengers, taking in the planet Delight before heading to an Earth franchise planet in an obscure wing of the universe. Only time could tell how the group would gel, but time is renowned for keeping all the juicy gossip to itself.

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