Unintended Heroes

by Paul Vayro

Chapter Three

  ‘The universe is mine; when will the rest of its population realise this fact?’

  Dollop read the sign for the umpteenth time. It was attached to the wall directly opposite his seat and had become his comfortable space to stare at in a corridor filled with eyes looking for any hint of aggressive contact they could seize upon. It was in no way the first time Dollop had awaited a job interview in such circumstances, and the realist inside told him it wouldn’t be the last. In his younger days he had taken the bait and become involved in the occasional brawl, but the time of nervous energy and the need to prove his mettle had long since passed. He’d been in the henchman business long enough to know the only person you need to impress is the megalomaniac looking to hire.

  The seating arrangements did little to ease the tension: face to face the candidates waited on small plastic chairs squeezed too close together; although in the world of eleven foot tall humanoid structures of raw muscle everything is too small and close together. Dollop’s gorilla based skull huffed. It was growing increasingly hot. A bead of sweat ran across the scar that slashed diagonally across his entire face, the long healed wound served to misalign his features just enough to notice something was wrong, but nobody dared look twice to try and work out what.

  After several hours the queue had dwindled until only Dollop remained. Nobody who had entered the interview room had returned. The henchman hoped the entrance wasn’t the only exit.

  The process had been quickened by the inevitable eruption of a fight. Asked to leave, the three hopefuls had failed at the first hurdle in the race to help conquer good.

  Dollop pondered back to the time when it had been his dream to help evil seize a town or even a country. Nowadays even the thought of taking over a galaxy didn’t interest him. It had become a job, an easy way to earn money until somebody saw fit to publish his memoirs. He’d recently branched out into children’s books but was struggling to find an agent with a decent sense of irony.

  Dollop was good at his job, even though his heart was no longer in it. His C.V. boasted hundreds if not thousands of campaigns, all ending in failure once the local hero got wind of the plan; however Dollop’s longevity stemmed from an ability to know when the game was up. He’d seen countless peers perish as they braved one last stand against the hero’s well timed arrival. It was always pointless. They were after the evil genius behind the ploy and they would get him whether the henchmen offered one final obstacle or not.

  Dollop's approach should not be mistaken for cowardice, but acknowledged as wisdom. He had taken on many heroes and come away with pride, but the balance of the universe rests on the good guys eventually winning. Dollop understood that couldn’t be changed no matter how ferocious a warrior he proved to be. The only danger he risked was to see a boss survive to learn of his henchman's abandonment. The pursuit for revenge would be relentless, but Dollop’s intuition had yet to err.

  “Mr Chi will see you now.” The receptionist took time out from her magazine to inform Dollop he could go in. He peeled himself from his chair and approached the entrance. A few bolts of cramp remained within his muscles.

  The nondescript door did its duty and opened. Dollop tentatively peered into the room it had been concealing. Only darkness peered back. Entering slowly the candidate's eyes adjusted to the light and made out two large, metallic chairs in the centre of the seemingly vast room, one facing the back of the other. Dollop walked towards them, the faint blue light giving little indication of what to expect.

  Arriving at the nearest chair he heard a preparatory clink of metal before the chair opposite spun to face him. Sat in it was a two foot tall humanoid, fully clad in a suit of armour more at home in the days of round tables and wizards. The armour spoke with a deep, gravel-like sense of foreboding.

  “You are Dollop?” The figure remained perfectly still.

  “I am.” Dollop answered as a reflex. He instantly began to feel uncomfortable. A sense of anxiety wondered if he’d locked his front door; and if not who would be waiting for him upon his return? He snapped back to reality, remembering he was an enormous and ferocious creature that didn’t have to concern himself with such things. The armoured helmet focused on the beast, watching closely for any reaction. It didn’t speak until Dollop returned his gaze.

  “Gooooooood.” Nobody knew why this was good. “My name is….” A pause followed as the shielded head looked towards a booth over Dollop’s shoulder. With a subtle nod the armour leapt to its feet and stood at full height. “INSIDIOUS CHI!” The entire back wall of the room ignited in fifty foot flames. The armour stared towards the ceiling, arms aloft. The light flickered across the shiny outfit before dying back down. By the time Dollop had got over the surprise, Insidious Chi, or Sid for the purposes of informality, was sat once more, calm and formal. “Please take a seat.” Sid gestured for Dollop to sit opposite. The henchman never knew what to expect from the countless megalomaniacs he had worked with, and Sid was continuing that theme of eccentricity to perfection.

  “Thank you.” Dollop maintained his polite and unfazed exterior, yet inside he was still shaking from the unexpected burst of anxiety. He settled in to the chair, pleased for any alternative to the torture he’d been sat on in the corridor.

  Sid whipped out a clipboard and pen from behind his back. Crossing his legs, the miniature knight began the questioning. “So tell me…..Dollop. What qualities would you bring to my operation?” Sid tapped the pen against his helmet, all the time looking deep into Dollop’s psyche.

  “Well as with any job I take the basics very seriously indeed. I’m a strong believer in punctuality, and it would take actual death before I’d even consider ringing in sick.” Dollop’s usual interview patter fell effortlessly from his lips, but once more his thoughts drifted away from him. The front door of his house no longer concerned him. Simply making it safely to it began to consume his mind. The walk home slowly filled him with dread, every corner becoming a place for someone with dastardly intentions to leap out on him. His heartbeat quickened, his temperature rising for good measure. He put the thoughts to one side and continued to answer. “As you can see from my face my appearance can be somewhat intimidating, to lesser mortals than yourself of course.” Dollop tried to offer an appeasing smile while also demonstrating how terrifying he could be. The result was a half grimace with soft eyes. Sid made a few notes before continuing.

  “Why should I hire you over anyone else?” Sid leaned closer, increasing the intensity of his stare; an impressive achievement for an expressionless helmet.

  “Erm…..” The anxiety edged towards panic as each of Dollop’s deepest self doubts came to the surface. His every concern blocked his mind, stopping coherent thought as he was forced to deal with long held worries. Not owning a home had been a lifestyle choice but suddenly it represented a lack of drive and ambition. He had no assets of worth, what would he leave to his children? His age ran over and over in his mind. Suddenly it became a hindrance, a reminder of the little he’d achieved rather than the insignificant number he wrote on various forms. Fighting through the doubt Dollop battled to clear his mind and offer up an answer to Sid's standard query. With Herculean effort he forced out a response. “….experience, work ethic, and I can hit things really hard for a very long time.” As the helmet turned away all concerns disappeared. The five seconds it had taken to answer had felt like an age to Dollop. He shuddered, breathing heavily as confusion and fear left his body. He managed to hide the true effect of the experience from Sid, who was busy making further notes. The megalomaniac eventually looked up.

  “Goooooooood.” Sid was impressed with Dollop’s ability to handle the pressure. He waited as the henchman took a sip of water from a glass on the arm of the chair. As the empty container was returned to its place Sid continued, oblivious to any curious goings on. “You are older than many of my other applicants. Are your thoughts not turning to settling down with your own empire?”

  “Not at all.” Dollop
knew where the questioning was leading. A megalomaniac’s biggest fear is that the muscle he hires realise they could just overpower him and take everything for themselves. Realising Dollop’s intelligence it was a concern previous employers often raised. “I’m a humble man with humble ambitions and have no desire to lead an attempted coup if you succeed.”

  “IF? Don’t you mean WHEN!” Sid stood on his chair, activating the wall of flame once more. It took the tyrant by surprise, causing a slight wince. The minion hired to push the button had been instructed to do so whenever Sid stood and raised his voice. He was unaware of the error as Sid threw an infuriated stare in his direction.

  “When, of course, when. That’s what I meant.” Dollop reacted with appeasement over battle. As small as Sid was he knew the power of pure will stretched far beyond any limitations genetics may wish to impose. On top of this the remnants of fear still coursed through his veins.

  As Sid ranted in the button pushing minion's direction, Dollop took a moment to consider his situation. He knew the niggling sense of terror had nothing to do with nerves or the things he was thinking. His suspicions lay firmly with the humanoid before him, but he could see no explanation. Dollop had faced down armies on his own, so how a stare from a midget nearly reduced him to tears was beyond him.

  Had Dollop known Sid was the embodiment of irrational fear things would have been clearer, but for now Sid was keeping the secret to himself, and using his genetic quirk as an interview aid to test each applicant's resilience.

  The quirk in question meant every cell of Sid’s two foot frame was saturated with baseless fear. The slightest glimpse of the form he kept hidden behind his armour would bring every misperceived danger you’d ever pondered crashing into stark reality, flooding your mind as though the very worst had come true. Prolonged exposure led to vulnerability so deep it infected the soul, becoming one with everything you are, were, or ever hoped to be. The only escape lay in voluntary paralysis of the mind.

  For Sid, a two foot tall man in his chosen profession of violence it was a definite advantage; however it hindered many of his day to day aspects of life, hence the suit of armour. The weekly food shop was a nightmare with the store emptying in terror every time he visited. He may have designs on the universe but he was more than willing to pay for his groceries. He’d never live it down at the megalomaniac society if he turned up with a conviction for shoplifting.

  “Hmmmmmm.” Sid paced around the seat section of the chair that dwarfed him, rubbing his chin and throwing the occasional glance in Dollop’s direction. He’d been impressed with the veteran's handling of the bursts of fear he’d been unleashing. Sid believed in testing ability rather than looking at references and certificates from Evil University. Realising there’s only so long tension can be stretched before it becomes boredom, Sid spoke. “I’ve been impressed by your performance…..Dollop. After reading your C.V I was eager to meet someone who had survived for so long in our world, an exponent of the old ways. Meeting you has not dampened my belief that you are someone I can work with. Experience is priceless in these situations and you have an intimidating amount. NOT that I’m intimidated by your list, OR any list in the universe….” He leant forward menacingly. “….got that.”

  “Yes.” Sid exposed the slightest of gaps in his helmet, allowing Dollop to see deep into the cavernous dark that lay beyond. A hypnotic glimpse of Sid’s unprotected body was the final test. Only one other had made it this far, the others had left in tears long before. Dollop fought with his mind as a barrage of mental angst rushed through his brain, more salient than before, more powerful than any reality he tried to use as defence. Overwhelmed with doubt he teetered on the brink of curling up and crying for his mother, until Sid sat back and released his hold. They were two seconds of unparalleled intensity. Dollop regained his composure and returned Sid’s stare, ready for whatever came next. Sid was impressed again.

  “I see you have worked on several galactic takeover attempts. How did you find projects of such scale?” Sid continued as normal. Dollop followed his lead.

  “Fine.” Dollop hung on to his memories, hoping they would cover the cracks in his momentarily scarred mind. "The first time it felt a little ambitious but with good organisation it’s no different to any other project.”

  “I’m particularly interested in your work with Massan Dunoon and his attempted takeover of the galaxy of Alabaster. How did you feel when the mighty Hugo Cortizone arrived?” Sid swung his legs excitedly, ready to hear the tale.

  “I felt it was time to settle an old score.” Hugo’s name channelled Dollop’s fear into anger and coherence. His speech grew ever animated as he relayed the tale, touching his scar with the emotion only a memory can bring. “You may have noticed from my C.V that this was the second time I’d faced him. I fought him in my early days when he was still a mere grade one hero. We were both naïve, learning our trade. I had the upper hand and was so engrossed in my inevitable victory I failed to notice a tower block falling towards us. He made some smart comment about a flat before rolling to safety. He left me beneath the rubble with this scar as a memento.” Dollop ran his finger across the wound.

  “So what happened the second time?” Sid grew increasingly excited, yearning popcorn.

  “The second time I was prepared. I stayed focused and again held the upper hand. As I walked towards his prone body, preparing to strike the final blow, I laughed at his misfortune and took a moment to savour the look on his face. It was all the time he needed to find his detonator pen. During our battle he’d scattered explosive buttons on the mountain side we’d careered down. He made some ridiculous quip about rock and roll, it didn’t even make sense, before setting off an almighty explosion. The mountain came down on top of me as he again rolled away in the nick of time. He’ll never forget me though. During our meet I left him with my own reminder. One of his nostrils is prosthetic. I tore the real one from his face.”

  Sid clapped giddily. “I’m impressed. Not many have faced Hugo Cortizone and survived, more-so after inflicting such a wound.” Sid paused and looked towards Dollop. There was no accompanying sense of fear. That part of the process was over. He intended to offer Dollop the position, but as an evil leader he felt every decision should be delivered with the appropriate weight and tension. It helped maintain his air of importance, but made ordering a pizza an unnecessarily long and drawn out process.

  “I’d like to officially offer you the position of co-executive henchman. Interested?”

  “I’d be honoured.” Dollop felt pleased to have survived never mind got the job.

  “Goooooood. I have already hired your partner. You shall work together to form my closest guard. You are my last line of protection and most trusted minions, although I would leave you to die in an instant if it meant my safe escape.”

  “I’d expect nothing more or less.” Normality returned to Dollop’s thoughts as his mood lifted. The rent would no longer be a concern.

  “Is there anything you’d like to know? Bearing in mind my time is precious and two jogger's nipples and a thousand paper cuts are my idea of a mild rebuke.”

  “I was just wondering, if it’s not too rude to ask, what is the ultimate aim of your mission? It just said ‘grand scheme’ on the advert.” Dollop flinched in case any pain arrived as the answer.

  “Why my good fellow, to take over the universe! Hahahahahahaha.” Sid threw his head backwards to accompany his well practised evil laugh. Dollop digested the enormity of the news, speaking his reaction out loud rather than keeping it in his thoughts.

  “No-one has attempted that since Verros Flexx.”

  “And where Verros Flexx failed I will succeed.” Sid grew increasingly animated. “He came within touching distance of achieving his goal, a goal I have spent millennia studying. I see now the mistakes he made and they will not be repeated. This time it will work, it has to work.” The helmet glazed over with personal pride and belief.

  “I have heard nothing of
an army being amassed. Certainly nothing on the scale required for such an effort.” Dollop continued the thinking out loud tone. It seemed to be working well as a means of communicating.

  “There will be no army. The logistics of fighting to gain control of something so large are quite frankly not worth the effort. Not to mention the cost of keeping a fighting force of such size. No, my plan is more subtle than you could ever hope to imagine. In fact it is already well under way, which is why I now need further protection. I believe the Hero's Guild have begun to notice something amiss in the stars, although it would take a genius of epic proportions to unravel my plan. That mind simply does not exist. Hahahahahahahaha…….You, are dismissed…..Hahahahahaha….” Dollop sidled back towards the door as Sid awaited his new henchman's exit before leaving his seat. All the evil laughing had begun to play havoc with his throat. Sid imagined the soothing, honey based drink he had waiting for him in his room.

  Dollop re-entered the corridor still slightly shaken and concerned at the enormity of what he’d just become part of. Sid appeared to be a confident tyrant, although every job started with the belief they couldn’t fail. It took the mind of a hero to exploit the obvious flaw. He knew one would turn up at some point and ruin everything, but for now he focused on the positive: at least it was regular work and a regular wage. He thought about whistling a merry tune as he passed the receptionist. She was too busy reading an article about how certain shoes can make your ankles look thin, to care. Dollop pacified himself with the thought of a trip to the butchers and some celebratory meat. He was going to need all the strength he could get for the coming adventure.

  Contents