by Ivy Smoak
I was supposed to wake up from this dream. Why hadn’t I woken up? I tried to push his hands away from me, but he gripped my face harder.
“Penny.”
“Don’t touch me.” I clamped my hands on his wrists, trying as hard as I could to fight him off.
“Look at me, baby. Please just look at me. Look at me and try to remember.”
“Help!” I screamed. “Someone help me!”
He removed his hands from my face like I had slapped him. And we stayed like that for a moment, with my hands clutched tightly around his wrists. Frozen in the bed staring at each other.
The dark circles under his eyes and the frown on his lips weighed on me. And I had the same sense as before. That he was broken. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know him. I couldn’t fix him. I immediately let go of his wrists and scooted away from him. “What are you doing here?”
“I can’t sleep without you beside me. You know that.”
I hadn’t meant in my bed. I meant here. In existence. “I know nothing about you.” I inched farther away.
“Penny, you know me. If you’d just take a second to truly look at me I know you’ll remember.”
I kept scooting away from him until my ass was hanging off the edge of the bed.
“Look in my eyes and tell me you feel nothing.”
I locked eyes with him. It was true, his arms had made me feel safe. Secure. Warm. But I hadn’t known it was him. I thought it was Austin. That was the only reason why I had felt that way. I tried to ignore the nagging thought in the back of my mind. The one that was screaming that when James released me from his embrace, I had never felt so cold in my entire life. My skin pebbled with goosebumps. It was like my body was trying to tell me I needed him. I stared into his eyes, willing myself to remember him. To remember anything that he claimed to be true.
But there was nothing there. Yes, he was handsome. I couldn’t deny that. Any woman would be lucky to have him. But he wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his. Everything he claimed was true couldn’t possibly be. I scooted even further away, forgetting that there wasn’t any more room, and started to fall off the bed.
He grabbed my waist before I fell, and pulled me back onto the mattress. This time I didn’t think his touch was comforting. It was electrifying. Like he had just slapped me with a bug zapper. What the hell was that?
I climbed off the bed, pointing at him accusatorily. “You can’t just sneak in here and…and…hold me in the middle of the night, you psycho.”
He sat up in the bed but didn’t respond. His t-shirt was slightly wrinkled, and it somehow made the guilty look on his face even more extreme. He was sad and lost and…I wasn’t sure why I cared so fucking much.
I buried my fingers in my hair. “God, this was supposed to be a dream. Why haven’t I woken up? What the hell is happening?” I reached down and pinched myself. Ow. I stared at the other side of the bed where James had just stood up. I pinched myself again. Ow. Why wasn’t he disappearing? Go away!
I started walking back and forth. “You’re not real, and I don’t know why I can’t make you go back into my imagination. Not that I’ve been imagining you. I’d imagine someone my own age would want to marry me. At some point. Way in the future. Not any time soon. I’m too young to be married.”
“Penny.” He started walking around the bed.
“I’m 19. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see that I’m too young for whatever the hell this is?” I gestured back and forth between us. “You’re 34.”
“Penny.” He stopped a few feet away from me, giving me the space I desperately needed.
I flung open the blinds to see that the city was still below me and started pacing faster. “What the hell am I doing in New York City? I hate the city. I hate it here. I wouldn’t choose to be here unless I lost my mind!” I realized I was waving my hands around, but couldn’t stop.
“We decided that…”
“We?” I said. “There is no we. And all those people I met yesterday? Those aren’t my friends. And you’re not my husband. This,” I said and pointed to my ring finger. “Was just a terrible self-tanner accident. We’re not married. It’s impossible. And whatever is going on with my skin,” I gestured to my face, “is a weird hospital mirror trick. I don’t have wrinkles next to my eyes. Teenagers don’t have wrinkles.”
“They’re laugh lines,” James said. “And I love them. I love every part…”
I held up my hand so he wouldn’t come any closer. “What, you’re telling me you love this?” I gestured to my beer belly. “Am I just fat or did something happen to me? Did I lose my liver? Do livers make you sane? Why can’t I remember what the fuck a liver does?” I was screaming now. Screaming, pacing, and flailing my arms around like a maniac.
“Penny, if you’d just calm down I can tell you everything you want to know.”
“I don’t want you to tell me. I want the doctors to tell me. You’re not even real. I’ve just lost my damned mind.”
“Penny, please…” He reached out for me, his hand connecting with my forearm.
I felt the same shock as before. He was strong. And kind and patient. I wanted to be able to lean into him and let him fix everything. But I couldn’t lean on a figment of my imagination. “I’ve lost my mind.” I rushed past him toward the door.
“Penny, don’t go out there…”
But I had already flung the door open and was running out of the room. I needed fresh air. I couldn’t breathe in this hospital.
“Penny, stop!”
I flung open a door at the end of the hall. Strangers turned toward me from their seats in the waiting room. No, not complete strangers. I had met several of them yesterday. Some of James’ friends. His father. My eyes landed on my parents. Thank God. I was just about to yell for my mom, but someone beat me to it.
“Mommy!”
I turned around to see a little girl with bright red hair running toward me. I saw another reflection of myself. A younger version of me. She looked exactly like I did when I was a kid. And I felt something snap in my head. Like any sanity I had left had evaporated.
I was watching myself from my past. I wasn’t actually here. Was I dead? I felt tears start to fall down my cheeks. My life was replaying before me. I stepped out of the way of my childhood self, wondering if she’d be able to just run right through me anyway.
But instead of going toward my parents, she turned toward me. I stepped to the side again, and she altered her path again.
The little girl threw herself on me, wrapping her small arms around my legs. “Mommy, Mommy. I missed you.” She peppered kisses on my thigh.
“You have the wrong person, sweetheart,” I said as calmly as I could muster. “Your mom is over there.” I pointed to my mother.
The little girl pulled back from me and cocked her head to the side as she studied me. “No, you’re my mommy. That’s Grandma.”
What?
“She’s your mommy, Mommy. The stork brought you to her. Like he brought me to you and Daddy. And Liam too. He’s the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world. Do you want to see?” She grabbed my hand.
I immediately pulled away and took a step back. I collided into a strong chest. The smell of James’ cologne engulfed me. It felt like I was suffocating. I stepped away from him.
“Penny.” He reached for me, but I backed away.
“No.”
“Penny, let’s get back to your room.” He reached for me again.
“No. No, no, no, no…” I couldn’t stop saying it. I needed my parents. Not whatever the hell this was. “Mom!” I started to run over to them. “Mom, Dad, take me home. Tears cascaded down my cheeks. “Please take me home.”
“Mommy!” The little girl yelled as she followed me. “Mommy!”
“Would someone get Scarlett out of here?” James said sternly.
“No, I want my mommy!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “No!” She started crying as James’ brother lifted her into his arms. “No!”
she screamed. “Mommy! Mommy, Mommy, I need you! No!”
I could still hear her screams as the door closed behind them. Or was it my own screams? Because I sounded just like her. Yelling for my parents. Begging for them to fix this.
“Take me home.” I was choking on my tears.
My parents were just sitting there, staring at me like I truly had lost my mind. I had. I knew that I had.
James wrapped his arms around me and started whispering in my ear to calm me down. But his breath wasn’t calming. It made my heart race faster. God, I was going to throw up.
“Penny,” he said in the soothing tone you’d use for a distraught child. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to remember everything soon. Us. Your children.”
Children plural? “Get off of me.” I tried to wiggle out of his grip. People in the waiting room that I didn’t recognize were staring at us. Judging my insanity. “There is no us.” I said the word “us” with disgust. “And I don’t have any children with you. I don’t have any children at all.”
James shook his head. “You must have seen the similarities…”
I pushed him off of me. “That was not my daughter. I’m the daughter.” I pointed to my chest. “Mom, tell him. Tell him none of this is real.” I was barely getting the words out, I was crying so hard.
A doctor rushed in. “Mrs. Hunter, if you would just take a deep breath.”
“What’s happened to me?” I choked.
James tried to reach for me.
“Mr. Hunter, that’s enough,” the doctor said, stepping in front of him.
“She’s upset, I’m trying to calm her down,” James said.
“You’re the one upsetting her. Can’t you see that? Just give her some space.”
I wanted to hug the doctor. But all my fears came bubbling to the surface. “Am I sick? Am I dying? I’m delirious. I’m imagining things. I’m imagining him.” I pointed to James, hoping that the doctor couldn’t actually see him. Hoping that I was as confused as I believed I was. Hoping that everything was a dream.
“Mrs. Hunter, I need you to take a deep breath.”
“That’s not my name.”
“Okay, Penny, just take a breath. We’re going to get you back to your room.”
“Make him stay out,” I said and pointed to James. “He slept in my bed last night. I woke up and his arms were around me.” I started to scratch my skin, trying to rid myself of the feeling of his touch.
The doctor frowned. “Mr. Hunter, how many times do we have to talk about visiting hours? You’re not allowed…”
“She needs me,” James said, trying to sidestep the doctor. “How can she remember if I stay away from her?”
I started sobbing harder. “I don’t need you. I need to get out of here. I need to go home. Let me go home! Mom, Dad, please. Please.”
A nurse rushed in carrying a needle.
“Don’t hurt her!” James yelled.
But the needle was already being pierced into my arm. The room slowly blurred in front of me. And I entered the dreamlike state I thought I was already in.
Chapter 6
Thursday
No matter what I did, I couldn’t wake up from this dream.
“Today’s the day you get out of here,” my doctor said cheerily as he strolled into my room. He sighed when he saw me. “You need to stop pinching yourself, Penny. This isn’t a dream that you can wake up from. He put his hand on top of mine to stop me from pinching my skin.
“I know it’s not a dream. It’s a freaking nightmare.”
He lifted his hand. “We’ve talked about this. You’re suffering from amnesia. Your memory should come back.”
“My memory is fine.”
“You fighting it isn’t helping.”
“I’m trying to hold on to my life.” I felt like I was drowning.
“Getting back into your normal routine is going to help you remember,” he said, ignoring me. “Your husband is filling out the discharge forms as we speak. And he left a change of clothes for you in the restroom.”
“Please don’t make me leave with him.”
“From everything I’ve heard and seen, you two are very much in love.”
A forced laugh came from my lips.
“You’re one of the lucky ones.”
I certainly didn’t feel lucky. Everything I knew and loved had been stripped from me. I was transported into this world I didn’t understand. With a brooding fake husband and a daughter? I didn’t know what was real anymore. Maybe I had imagined the little girl. I probably had. She’d never come to visit me in my room. Maybe I was imagining James. Please let me have imagined James too.
“Are you ever going to tell me about my scars?” I had brought it up yesterday after I came out of my forced sleep. But the doctor had insisted that I needed more rest.
He sat down in the chair next to my bed. “You’ve been having a hard time accepting things as it is. How about we make an appointment for you to come talk next week?”
“So it’s bad, huh?”
“You need to take it easy. You were unconscious for two weeks. You can’t resume normal activity for at least another two.”
“Is it my liver?” God, I just knew it was my liver. I could feel it.
He smiled. “No. Your liver is functioning properly. There’s nothing to worry about there.”
“So there is something to worry about?”
“No, no. You’ll live a full happy life. Come see me in a week.” He stood up.
Now that I was about to leave the hospital, everything suddenly felt real. It was slowly sinking in that I was stuck in whatever joke of a life this was. With a man I didn’t know. What was he going to expect of me when I went back to his place? I swallowed hard. I couldn’t do this. “There’s nothing you can do to jog my memory?”
“I know all of this is shocking. And it’s going to take some time to adjust. But please, try to accept what you hear. Everyone’s just trying to help. That 19 year old that you’re holding on to? From everything I’ve read about you and your family, you turned into quite the impressive young woman. Embrace her. You’ve been given the whole world. You’ll never want for anything.”
That wasn’t true. I wanted my old life back. But what did he mean by that? Was I rich? Had I robbed a bank? Had I won the Nobel Peace Prize? “Is James famous or something? Or…am I famous? Or…”
“Your husband will fill you in,” my doctor said. “In the meantime, if you don’t want to embrace this life, how about you pretend this is all real? Make a game of it.”
“You’re joking.”
He shook his head. “It might help. You’re going to have quite the eventful day. See you in a week, Penny.”
At least he hadn’t called me Mrs. Hunter.
***
Make-believe. I didn’t have to truly believe it. I just had to pretend to believe it.
I finished dressing and stared into the mirror at the face I didn’t recognize. I can do this. Right?
The dress I was wearing was sophisticated and uncomfortable. I missed my leggings and tank tops. Maybe they’d be back at my place. Our place. God.
How could I play make-believe when I didn’t even know what I was about to get myself into? I had no idea where I lived. No idea who I was. I took a deep breath. Just pretend. It’ll all be over soon.
I smiled at my reflection and tried not to grimace at the face I didn’t recognize.
“Penny,” James said with a knock on the door.
I opened it and stared at my husband. Just thinking about the word “husband” did make me believe I was in an alternate world. Accept it.
“You ready to get out of here?” He looked hopeful. And tired. Or maybe it was something else. The brown hue of his eyes seemed to swirl with secrets. I found myself wanting to know every single one of them before I awoke from this dream.
“Yup. Take me home, husband.”
He gave me a strange look. “You’ve stopped fighting the truth?”
/>
“Sure.”
He shook his head, clearly not believing me. But he put out his hand for me anyway.
I slipped my hand into his and felt the same spark that I had yesterday. I could get used to this. It was easy to feel safe by his side as we made our way through the hospital.
“The car is right outside,” he said as he stopped before the exit. His hand fell from mine and I instantly felt cold.
“Aren’t you coming?”
“Yeah, I’ll be right there.” He looked down at his watch like he was studying something.
“Is everything okay?”
He smiled and looked back up at me. “Everything’s fine, Penny. I just forgot something from your room. I’ll be right back down.”
“I’ll see you at the car then.” I made my way out the doors even though I had no idea what our car looked like. I glanced over my shoulder before the doors closed. James had his hand pressed against the wall and was hunched over slightly. Maybe he wasn’t as broken as I originally thought. Maybe the dark circles under his eyes weren’t caused by me. Maybe it was something else entirely. He looked…ill.
I was about to walk back into the hospital when someone called my name. I turned around just in time to see the man before he threw his arms around me.
“I knew you needed me back,” he said. “Despite what Jen thinks, this is the best position I’ve ever had, and I’m not going anywhere this time.”
Who the hell was this? And who the hell was Jen? “Oh, okay,” I said without hugging him back.
He pulled away. “Sorry. I…let me start over. I’m Ian.” He held out his hand for me to shake. “I am engaged to James’ sister, Jen. You know…your sister-in-law.”
“Ah, got you.” I had met Jen the other day. I think. “So you’re my soon to be brother-in-law.”
“Also the head of your security detail.”
“Security detail? Why on earth do we need a security detail?”
“Well, for starters because it seems like everyone’s out to get you.”
I laughed. “Who? I don’t think I have any enemies. I barely talk enough for someone to realize if they hate me or not.”
“Just trust me when I say that you need us.”
