by Cynthia Eden
Silence.
Tess risked a quick glance at James. He stood a few feet away, his hand curved around a clear glass. A whiskey bottle was on a shelf near him. He hadn’t reached for the bottle. Not yet.
It was gutting her, but she made herself keep talking. “One day, this fancy black car pulled up next to me. I…I was walking. I used to go to the library as often as I could. You know—the libraries let anyone in, and I could read as long as I wanted, and there was a bathroom there, and I—” She pulled in a breath. This story wasn’t about the library. Though, it had been such a haven for her. “The guy driving the car only looked a few years older than me. He rolled down his window and asked if I went to his high school. I went closer to the car because I didn’t think anything was wrong, and—” She just stopped.
She hadn’t told anyone this story. Not ever.
“Tess.”
She was staring at James, but she hadn’t seen him. Not until he said her name. She blinked, and her gaze focused on him.
“You don’t have to tell me another damn thing. I’m an asshole. This is hurting you. Please. Forget I said—”
“He grabbed my arm and shoved a needle in me. I felt the prick, and he was smiling, and then everything went all gray and black. When I opened my eyes again, I was in an alley. The car was on one side of us, a brick wall on the other. He told me that he was going to do anything he wanted to me, just like he’d done before, and when he was done, he’d make sure I went on the best trip of my life.” Her voice sounded so flat. “I knew he’d drugged me. That was how he’d gotten me to the alley. I don’t think anyone ever saw him put me in the car. Or, if they did, they didn’t care.”
James growled.
“He was yanking at my shirt and my pants, and I was trying to scream, but it was like I was dreaming. Have you ever tried to scream when you dream? I mean, when you have a nightmare? You can’t make your lips and mouth move in reality, and all that comes out is a little gasp, if you can even manage that. And in that alley, all I could do was gasp and choke and hope it was a dream, but then he grabbed another needle, and I knew he was going to pump me full of whatever the hell was in it and I—I grabbed it from him.”
“Good.”
There had been nothing good in that alley. “I couldn’t scream, but I could move my hands plenty, and I grabbed that syringe. I plunged the needle into his neck.”
Everything about that day—about that man—was still blurry. A gray and black fog. Tess couldn’t even clearly remember his face. She just had the vague memory that he’d been good-looking. A handsome face to hide the devil inside. “He screamed and stumbled back. I jumped up—or I tried to—but my body slammed into him, and he fell.”
Thud.
That sound. That sound haunted her still. “His head hit the back of the bumper. We were that close to the car. His head slammed into the bumper, and there was so much blood, and he didn’t move. He just…he was slumped there, and I was swaying, and I knew I had to get help. I didn’t know what he’d given me. I didn’t know…” If I’d killed him. She exhaled. “I made it out of the alley, but I was confused.” Freaking understatement. She’d barely been walking. More like crawling. “I went straight into traffic. It was night. There were lights everywhere and one of the cars barreled toward me. I thought I was dying. Actually, I thought I did die. Because the bright light was the last thing I remembered.” Breathe. In. Out. It can’t hurt you anymore. “Until I opened my eyes in the hospital’s ER. A doctor was there, and she was shining a light in my eyes and asking me what I was on.”
“What did you take? You have to tell me what you took so I can help you!” That voice thundered through her head even now. So desperate. So determined.
James grabbed the whiskey. Did his hand tremble a little? Surely not. He poured whiskey into the glass. The liquid sloshed over the edge.
“James—”
He downed it. Squared his shoulders. Shoved the whiskey bottle back on the shelf. “You didn’t know what you were on. You were a thirteen-year-old kid who’d been attacked.” He walked toward her. Slow. Careful. Like he was afraid a sudden movement would spook her.
“I couldn’t talk. I started seizing. Later, I was told that I’d been given some dangerous mix of street drugs and that I was lucky to be alive. I’d never felt particularly lucky, but when I looked around and saw the white hospital walls and the clean sheets and the social worker who wanted to help me—I felt lucky then. For the first time in my life, I did.”
He was right in front of her again, but he wasn’t touching her. She wanted him to touch her. She wanted him to pull her into his arms and tell her that…
Hell, what? That everything was okay?
She wasn’t that scared girl. She didn’t need fake words or promises.
“I told the social worker that someone had grabbed me from the street. Put the needle in me. And that things had gotten foggy after that.” Mostly truth. A truth that hid so much.
“Why didn’t you tell her everything?”
“I was afraid I’d killed him. I didn’t…” She rubbed her chest. “I was being told I could have a new life. That I was going to be placed with a foster family. I could go to school. I could have a home. I was so afraid that if I told the social worker and the cops about the man, then all of that would go away.” A bitter laugh escaped her. “He wasn’t a man. He was a boy. Like I said, I thought he was close to my age, but I could have been wrong about that. The truth is, when I try to picture his face, I can’t. It’s just fog.”
“His body wasn’t ever found?”
“As far as I know, nothing was ever found. I didn’t ask the cops about him back then. I just moved forward.” That had been her mantra. “One step at a time. The female doctor from the ER? She came to see me. She helped me. Made sure I got better. And the social worker—when I was with her, she got me tested so that I could be placed in the right grade. She was so excited when she saw some of my scores relating to school and IQ. She couldn’t believe that I hadn’t been inside a school classroom for over a year.” Shame burned through her. “I was being given a second chance, and I was determined to take it. My social worker kept telling me that I was special. I didn’t feel special. I’ve never felt special. Special people don’t wind up on the street. They don’t wind up pinned in an alley. They don’t—”
“I want to put my arms around you,” he paused. “I need to touch you.” A tense pause. “May I?”
She threw her arms around him. Held on tight. Tears leaked from her eyes because this story was gutting her. She’d shoved the past as far back in her mind as she could possibly shove it. She’d wanted to forget. She’d wanted that thirteen-year-old girl to be someone else.
Tess had worked hard to become someone else. She’d never told her friends about her past. Not Latonya. Not Marilyn.
She’d never told lovers.
She’d told him.
Because…
“Are you happy?” Tess whispered. “Because now you have my secrets.”
He stiffened against her. Then he bent and his mouth feathered over her cheek. It took her a stunned moment to realize that he was kissing away her tears.
That just made her cry more.
James lifted her into his arms. Held her easily. Cradled her against his chest. “No, baby, I’m not happy. I hate myself. I hate that you hurt yourself because you thought you had to do that for me.”
She hadn’t—
“When you went back to that dark place, it hurt. I can damn well see it.” He carried her out of the kitchen. Down the hallway. To the guest room. He put her down on the bed.
No, no, he wasn’t just going to leave her, was he?
But James climbed into the bed with her. He pulled her into his arms and held her there. “You don’t have to ever go back to the past again, understand? Not for me. Not for the selfish sonofabitch that I am. You don’t have to hurt because of me.”
“I wanted you to know that I’m not better than anyone
.” Her voice was thick. Choked with tears. “I had nothing. I lived on the scraps of life. I may have killed a man. Then I lied and I—”
“You survived. You pulled yourself up from a nightmare. You’re a doctor. You save lives. You help people every single day. Hell, that’s why you go to the food pantry once a week, isn’t it? Paying it forward because you visited pantries when you were a kid, didn’t you?”
“I had nothing. Other people helped me. I want to do the same.”
He pulled her even closer against him. “That why you became a doctor? To help?”
“That ER doctor shined a light in my eyes. She didn’t care that I was homeless, she thought I was an addict, and she was still fighting like hell to keep me alive. That’s what doctors are supposed to do. They’re supposed to help, and I wanted to become someone who would help.”
“You are someone like that, baby.” He pressed a kiss to her temple. “Now, I’m going to need you to stop crying before you break my heart.”
“I didn’t think you had a heart. I thought you said—”
“I say a lot of stupid shit. A whole lot. Asking you to tell me your secrets, not realizing how much they hurt you? That’s probably going on my top five of all-time stupid comments. You don’t ever have to tell me another thing, got it?”
She wasn’t crying any longer. The tears had dried up. He was holding her close, and her hand was over his heart. It beat so fast beneath her touch. “I wanted you to like me.” Soft. A little slurred because suddenly, she was feeling exhausted. What time was it? She had no clue.
“I do like you.”
“Didn’t want you to pity who I’d been. Wanted you to like me. Didn’t think you needed to know…that girl is gone. I think she died in that alley.”
“That girl is freaking still alive, and she’s beautiful and strong. And I like her. I like you. That’s why I pushed. Why I’m an idiot. Because I like you too much.” He was stroking her hair. “Now go to sleep. Rest. Tomorrow, we will deal with everything else.”
“You…aren’t going to judge me.” It was hard to stay awake. His touch was soothing, and Tess felt hollowed out.
“How the hell could I judge you for anything? I spent my life following orders. Hunting for Uncle Sam. You spent your life trying to help others even though you didn’t have to do it. Like I said before, you’re too good for me.”
No, no she wasn’t. She wasn’t—
“But I don’t think I can give you up. That’s gonna be a problem, isn’t it?” His voice turned almost tender. “We’ll have to see what we can work out.”
“No.” Unease pushed through her.
“Tess?”
“I don’t want to give you up.” The words pulled from her. They were the truth. The whole reason she’d bared her soul and opened up the pain of her past was because he wanted her secrets. “I accepted your new deal.” She licked her lips. “Playtime is over.” Wasn’t that what he’d told her?
His hand slid under her chin. He tipped her head back on the pillow so that she had to look at him. “Know one thing with total certainty.”
She waited. A faint glow spilled from the open doorway, letting her see the intensity etched into his handsome face.
“I’m not playing with you. I never was.”
Good. “I’m not playing with you, either,” she whispered back.
Where did that leave them? Tess wasn’t sure. She thought he might kiss her. All right. She wanted him to kiss her. Or—or something.
And he did do something. He pulled the covers over her. He held her in his arms.
They didn’t speak again.
She fell asleep with him holding her.
***
Her phone vibrated.
Tess was on her way to the cafeteria, but at the vibration, she paused in the hospital corridor and pulled out her phone. The text was from James. Short and to the point.
New security system will be installed by the time you are off your shift.
That was great news. She could go back to her place or—
I’m getting new furniture delivered for you. Sorry the sonofabitch wrecked your place. I’ll fix it.
She frowned at the phone. She didn’t need him to buy her new furniture. When he offered to buy her stuff, it made her stomach knot. She didn’t want to be anyone’s charity case. That stirred up too many painful memories. She typed out a quick response to him. I’ll buy new furniture.
She saw the little dots appear that meant he was about to send a response to her and—
“You okay?”
Her head snapped up.
God Complex was in front of her. Only he didn’t look superior. Devin appeared worried. His gaze was on her throat.
“Jeez, Tess. Those look terrible. I can see the bastard’s fingerprints on you.” He lifted his hand and moved toward her.
She instantly backed up. “I’m fine.”
His jaw hardened, and his fingers clenched into a fist. “I’m sorry, all right? I get why you’re mad. I was supposed to be the one attending him and you got attacked while I—” He stopped. The words hung between them.
While you—what? Ducked for cover? Because that’s what I heard you did.
“Good thing your boyfriend was there to rush in,” Devin added grimly. “I thought I heard someone say that he was originally here because he was stabbed?”
“Not a stab wound.” She tightened her hold on the phone. “You must have heard wrong.” It had been a slice, not a stab.
She took a step forward.
He moved into her path. Why was he always doing that?
“I have somewhere to be, Devin.”
“Don’t you think he’s a little rough?”
“He’s not rough at all with me.” Except when I want him to be.
“He’s dangerous. The guy came in with a stab wound—”
“Told you, the wound wasn’t from a stabbing.” A slice was different from a stab. James had been right on that score.
Devin sighed. “I’m just worried about you.”
“You don’t need to be.”
His lips thinned. “You had a break-in at your place last night.”
When it came to gossip, hospitals were the worst.
“You’re having one hell of a week, Tess, and if you need some help, I want you to know that I’m here.”
Her phone vibrated. She glanced down.
And Tess heard her name being paged at the exact same moment. She rushed forward because it was a code—
She bumped into Devin. He’d moved closer just as she’d tried to hurry past him. The phone slid from her fingers and hit the floor. He bent and scooped it up, frowning at the screen.
“My guy?” Devin’s voice had turned stilted.
Her cheeks burned. She’d forgotten that was the way she’d listed James in her contacts. Or, rather, the way he’d listed himself. My guy.
“Huh. Your guy says he’ll be here to pick you up when your shift ends.” Devin handed the phone back to her. “Is he taking over your life now? Seems like everywhere you go, he’s there.”
“No, he’s not taking over.” She squared her shoulders. “But when I need help, he’s the one I turn to. So thanks for the offer, Devin, but I’m very good. Now I have a patient waiting.” She shouldered past him.
Her name was paged again. Her steps picked up speed. She was being paged to a location on the other side of the hospital. The location barely gave her pause. It wasn’t unusual for her to be called to another unit. While she was supposed to be working in the ER, sometimes, a doctor’s special skills were needed with different patients, and she’d done lots of rotations during her training.
She rushed past Latonya, giving a quick wave as her steps picked up even more. Tess shoved through double doors that would take her down a long, winding corridor. This wing was actually under construction, so it would save her a few minutes as she cut through to get to her—
Someone slammed into her. Hit her hard, and Tess didn’t even have
the chance to scream as she was thrown to the floor. Her head hit the tile.
Chapter Ten
James stalked through the ER’s doors. He’d texted Tess twice, but she hadn’t responded to him, and that shit was making him nervous. He glanced down at his phone. Yes, he got that she could have been called away for a patient, but so much time had passed since he’d first tried to reach her. Too much time. With the break-in and that damn near hit by the mystery truck, he was on edge. He’d stay that way, until he could make certain everything was okay. He knew her shift should have ended, and that was another reason why he was so twitchy.
I’m not twitchy. I’m worried.
The ER was filled with people, no big surprise there. Tess had said the place was always packed. He paused a moment inside, glancing around with narrowed eyes. Maybe Tess had needed to extend her shift. She could’ve gotten so busy that she had to stay late.
But tension was thick in his gut. He needed to see her. Once he made certain she was okay, he’d get the hell out of her way.
He caught sight of a familiar figure. Marilyn bustled down the hallway, wearing blue scrubs. James locked on her and closed in. “Marilyn!”
She turned. Her eyes widened. “Oh, thank God!”
Wait…thank God?
“She’s okay.” Marilyn grabbed his arm and hauled him closer. “But it scared the hell out of me, you know?”
His heart slammed into his ribs. “What scared the hell out of you?’
“Tess’s attack. Damn, that woman has some serious bad luck happening right now. Two attacks so close together and—”
“Stop.” She’d been trying to haul him toward a swinging door.
Marilyn frowned at him. “Why? Don’t you want to see Tess? She’s out of the exam area now and she’s okay, a slight concussion, but—”
