As she walked through the pretty campus on the way to her car, she admitted that she was less excited about other aspects of her life. Declan would be home in a couple of days and she honestly had no idea what she was going to say to him.
There was no taking back what had happened and she didn’t think ignoring it was going to work, either. While the phone sex had been fun and exciting and had made her feel closer to him, she also knew it had changed everything, and not for the better. Her brief morning-after text of That was great, but we should probably not do that again had been met with a return text of nothing more than I agree. A response that left her with a lot more questions than answers.
She got to her car and tossed her backpack in the rear seat before getting behind the wheel. But instead of driving away, she sat there, confused and scared.
She’d crossed the line. In that single phone call she’d gone from professional nanny to what she’d always been. The girl out for the good time, the flighty, irresponsible pleasure-seeker willing to ignore her responsibilities and run off with some guy.
Declan wasn’t asking her to get on the back of a motorcycle and ride away, but that didn’t change her part in things. She’d made herself a promise and she’d broken it. Her issues weren’t about his behavior but about her own.
What if she couldn’t change? What if she was always going to be that girl? She wanted to say this time was different because her feelings were different. She didn’t just think Declan would be a good time—she cared about him. She was probably in love with him.
Sunshine let that sink in, prepared to turn the information over and see how it resonated, only she didn’t have to. As soon as the thought formed, she knew it was true. She was in love with Declan. She probably had been for a while. And why wouldn’t she be? He was loveworthy. As for Connor, well, she’d been a goner from day one.
Great. So she loved them both. Now what? If she was going to be a different and better person, what did that different and better person think she should do? Leave? Stay? And if she stayed, how would that work? Would she have a torrid affair with Declan? Let things run their natural course and then when it was over, they would go back to what they had been?
Unlikely. They could start by pretending that call hadn’t occurred, but that wasn’t going to work, either. All it would take was a look or a touch and they would be all over each other. He obviously found her attractive and wanted her in his bed and she wasn’t sure how long she could say no. Which made her what? The slutty nanny sleeping with the boss?
And if staying wasn’t an option, didn’t that just leave walking away? She leaned back against the headrest and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to not see Connor anymore. She didn’t want to not be a part of his life. He needed her and she needed him. Even if she could run away from Declan, she wasn’t sure she could disappear on Connor.
Even saying goodbye the right way would be impossible. Was she supposed to sit him down and tell him that in a few days he would have a new nanny? Was she going to interview other women for the job, knowing they would be staying in her room, cooking for her family, picking up Connor from school and helping him with his ant farm?
She opened her eyes and stared out the windshield. There was no good answer. The worst part was the problem was of her own making. She had no one else to blame. She supposed the best, albeit temporary, solution was to go on as before and see if they were able to fake their way through the first few awkward days. Maybe it wouldn’t be so horrible. Maybe they could pretend to forget that single phone call and nothing would have to change.
She knew she was wishing for the moon, but didn’t know what else to do. The situation was impossible. If only she’d fallen for someone else, someone she could meet and date and have a real relationship with. But she hadn’t and now she was stuck not only with her concerns about the future, but her fears about Declan. Because in all of this, she had no idea what he thought of her and what he expected when he got home. She could make all the plans she wanted, but except for simply walking away, she didn’t get to execute any of them in a vacuum. For all she knew, Declan had used her to get off and thought of her as little more than a piece of ass. And if that were true, then she was about to experience a heartbreak, the likes of which she’d never seen before.
* * *
Alec told himself he liked the quiet. With Margot gone, there were no more daily lessons, no extra set of footsteps on the stairs, no conversation in the evening, no interruptions at all. It was pleasant. Once his mother moved out, his life would return to what it had always been and he would be content.
He had to admit, if only to himself, that he’d expected Bianca to seek him out. He felt sure she would want to talk to him about Margot, but for the past two days, he hadn’t seen her, either. Her car was still parked outside, so he knew she was somewhere, but she kept to herself. Which was what he preferred.
Alec crossed to the window and looked out at the garden. All right—he would admit to some...restlessness. He’d grown used to having Margot in his life. It was possible he missed her more than he’d thought he would. It had been nearly three days and he’d yet to sleep. Getting in his bed reminded him too much of her, and his office couch was not that comfortable. Plus, every time he turned around, he saw another spot where they had made love. His desk, the kitchen counter, his bed, his bathroom, her bed, the living room, outside.
Still, the quiet was pleasant and in time he would be able to focus on his work again. And eat. Eventually the dull ache in his chest would fade. It wasn’t as if he’d been in love with her. He’d enjoyed her company—that was all. She’d been different from other women he’d known with her sharp mind and accepting nature. It made sense he might regret the loss of her companionship. Biologically he would miss the sexual release. Everything he was feeling was totally normal.
Without thinking, he reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his cell phone. It would be so easy to call her, to tell her he’d made a mistake, that he wanted her back.
He thought about hearing her voice and wished she was with him, quiet be damned. Only it wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be. The price was too high. She had changed him. Or maybe he’d changed himself. Regardless, he was different and he didn’t like that. What was next? He would stop paying his bills on time? He would start making a spectacle of himself wherever he went?
He returned to his desk and opened his laptop. He would lose himself in work, just as he had always done. Eventually memories of her would fade and he would go on as before. After all, his life was better when it was quiet.
* * *
Declan accepted that he’d totally screwed up everything with Sunshine. That one night had changed everything between them and now he worried that there was no going back.
It was his own damn fault, he thought grimly as he waited outside the elementary school for Connor to get out of class. He knew Sunshine, knew what she wanted, knew what she feared. She wanted to be taken seriously, to be respected. She wanted normal and he’d given her phone sex.
Even as he thought about that night, he winced. What the hell had he been thinking? They weren’t dating. They weren’t lovers. In the right context, phone sex could be fun, but they weren’t involved that way. He’d treated her like some 900 number and now there would be consequences.
She’d trusted him enough to tell him personal things about her life. She’d trusted him with her hopes and dreams and he’d violated that trust. He knew her well enough to know she was feeling as lost and confused as he was. Their phone calls had gone from easy to awkward. The last two days of his trip, they’d only communicated by text.
Kids started walking out of the school. Declan looked for Connor, then laughed when his son spotted him and raced toward him.
“You’re really back!” Connor yelled, and threw himself into Declan’s arms. “You’re back!”
�
�Hey, buddy. How’s it going?”
They hugged, then Declan walked him to the car.
“When did you get home?” Connor asked, dropping his backpack in the trunk and getting into the car.
“Just a little bit ago. I came straight from the airport. I missed you.”
“I missed you, too, Dad. Did you tell Sunshine you were picking me up? Otherwise, she’ll worry.”
He looked at his son, his young face, the earnestness of his expression. “I did tell her.”
“Good. It’s the right thing to do.”
Connor was growing up, he thought, both happy and sad at the prospect of his boy becoming a man. Happy because that was what was supposed to happen. Sad because he couldn’t hold on to young Connor forever.
He started the car. “I thought we’d go get ice cream before heading home.”
Connor grinned. “That could ruin our dinner, Dad.”
“I know, but let’s risk it.”
Connor beamed. “Tell me about Texas and the ants. Are you really building a giant ant farm?”
“I am, so I’m going to need you to help me learn about ants. We’re still working out the details but I have sketches I can show you and when we start construction, I want you to see what we’re doing.”
“Me, too! Sunshine says I saved the day. Is that true?”
“It is.”
Connor talked the whole way to the strip mall. Every third or fourth sentence mentioned Sunshine. She’d become a big part of both their lives.
They walked inside and ordered ice-cream cones. When they were seated at one of the small bistro tables by the window, Connor said, “We should get some ice cream to take home to Sunshine.”
“That’s really thoughtful and you’re right, we should.”
“It’s important to show people we love them, Dad. You always told me that about Mom.”
He licked his cone, and talked about staying over with Elijah next weekend. As Declan listened to his son, he thought about what Connor had said. It was important to show people they were loved. Something he hadn’t done in a long time—mostly because there hadn’t been anyone he loved outside of his family. Not in a long time.
But there was now.
He loved Sunshine. It wasn’t just about sex or how beautiful she was. It was about who she was—her hopes and dreams and fears. It was how she took care of Connor and planned birthday parties. It was her. All this time he’d been so focused on figuring out what had happened with Iris that he hadn’t been paying attention to what was right in front of him. He loved Sunshine. So what was he going to do about it?
“Dad, can I come with you next time you to go Texas?”
“It was a business trip and you wouldn’t find it very fun. But you know what? We need to plan a family vacation for this summer.”
Connor’s eyes widened behind his glasses. “We do?”
“Uh-huh.”
They hadn’t gone away the previous year because he and Iris had been dealing with her infidelity. And the year before, well, Declan couldn’t remember if they’d done anything then, either.
“When we get home, let’s go online and figure out a few places we could go.”
“I get to help?”
“You do. This is your vacation, too.”
“I want to go to the Grand Canyon. Or Legoland. Can we go to Florida and see the Universal Studios there? Or Disney World?”
Declan laughed. “We’ll make a list and then decide.”
“We have to ask Sunshine where she wants to go because it wouldn’t be a vacation without her.”
Declan thought of all he had to discuss with her and hoped at the end, taking a vacation together was the next logical step.
“Why don’t you let me talk to her first, Connor? Then we can talk about our vacation.”
“Okay.” Connor finished his cone, then grinned. “You know, Dad, when we get back from our trip, we should think about getting a dog.”
“We should?”
“Uh-huh. It’s kind of a thing.”
Declan laughed. “All right. We’ll think about it.”
A dog? He supposed they had a yard and plenty of room in the house. He wondered if Sunshine liked dogs. She certainly liked kids. Now if only he could figure out how she felt about him.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Sunshine had definitely decided she had to tell Declan she was leaving. It was the only thing that made sense. She would do it right, with plenty of planning and time for Connor to get used to the idea. She would be responsible and mature and then she would get the hell out of his house and figure out how to start over with a shattered heart.
She wanted to stay. She belonged here, with the two of them. She loved them both, but if she stayed, she would be what she’d always been. She wouldn’t have grown as a person at all. She would be ashamed and sad and eventually that would destroy her.
Her plan was to explain to Declan that she thought they had something special and that she hoped he would want them to date and get to know each other and see where things ended up. Which was the weaselly way of avoiding saying she wanted him to figure out if he could love her back. Because that was her ultimate goal.
She’d gone looking for normal. She wanted a husband and kids and a degree and she wanted to be just like everyone else. For once in her life, she was going to do the right thing.
Her determination lasted right up until he walked in the door with Connor wheeling his dad’s large suitcase. The second she saw him, her heart whimpered, her determination crumbled and she desperately wanted to throw herself at him and beg him to see if it was possible for him to fall in love with her.
He looked at her and smiled. “Hi. It’s really good to see you.”
His kind words totally unnerved her. She folded her arms across her chest, then unfolded them and shoved her hands in her back pockets which immediately made her wonder if he thought she was thrusting out her breasts, which made her hunch over and oh dear God this was worse than she’d thought.
“It’s, ah, good to see, you, too.”
They stared at each other. She had no idea what he was thinking, which was probably okay as she had no idea what she was thinking, either.
He looked good. Tired, but good. Connor had taken his suitcase down the hall, leaving them alone.
She stayed where she was but what she wanted to do was go to him and hold him. She wanted to feel his body against hers and kiss him until they were both senseless.
Ridiculous, she told herself. She had to remember what was important.
“We need to talk,” he said quietly. “This isn’t a good time, though.”
“Right. Later is fine.”
“After Connor goes to bed?” He handed her a small container. “We brought you ice cream.”
She nodded as she took it. “I’ll meet you in your office.”
She went into the kitchen to put away the ice cream and start dinner. Only a few hours, she told herself. She would enjoy the evening, then explain to Declan that there was no way to go back to what they’d been before and that she had no idea how they were going to go forward.
* * *
Sunshine got through the evening. She’d planned a simple dinner of barbecued turkey burgers and a salad. She’d made a welcome home cake with the sprinkle mix Connor liked. Once they’d cleaned up the kitchen, she said good-night to Connor and excused herself to hang out in her room until it was time to talk to Declan.
She made a few notes, paced, tried to watch TV, then gave up on pretending she was all right. She spent the last half hour curled up on her bed, wishing she could go back a week and undo what had been done.
A little after nine, her phone buzzed.
He’s in bed and asleep.
She appreciated the impersonal contact. Having him come to her bedroom door
would have been five kinds of awkward. Not at all sure what was going to happen and genuinely not sure what the realistic best outcome would be, she walked through the kitchen and down the hall, then entered his office. She closed the door behind her, just in case Connor woke up and came to see his dad.
Declan motioned for her to take the sofa while he settled in a chair across from her. When they were both seated, they looked at each other, then away.
“I thought we should—”
“If you don’t mind—”
They both stopped talking.
“I’ll go first, if that’s all right,” he said.
She nodded, both grateful for the brief reprieve and terrified about what he was going to say.
He studied her for a few seconds, then drew in a breath.
“Sunshine, what happened while I was gone is my fault. I’d had too much to drink and I gave in when I shouldn’t have. I knew better and I did it anyway.”
He shrugged. “I think we both know I have an, uh, admiration for you, but that’s my problem, not yours. I apologize for disrespecting you and your position in our household. This is a place where you should feel safe. I’m deeply sorry.”
“It’s my fault, too,” she told him. “Obviously. I started it and I wanted to do it just as much.”
His gaze was steady, so she forced herself to keep looking at him when what she really wanted to do was curl up and scream into a pillow. Heat burned on her cheeks, but she ignored it.
“In the moment,” he corrected, his voice gentle. “You’ve made your wishes very clear.” He gave her a slight smile. “You’re not that girl.”
She dropped her gaze to her clenched fingers. “Apparently I am.”
“No, you’re not. As your employer and your friend, I was dead wrong. Again, I apologize. I hope you can see past what I did to the person I strive to be.”
The Summer of Sunshine and Margot Page 33
