by Lynn, Stacey
“I will.” It wasn’t a promise. It was a vow I’d make to Penny and Brandon for the rest of my life. “I will, I swear it.”
“Good.” She grinned a heartbroken smile and squeezed my hand, patting it twice before nodding. “See that you do.”
She turned back and my hand fell to my lap. I tugged my hand from Gage’s strong grip and quickly gathered my handkerchief, patting my eyes and cheeks.
“Thank you,” Gage said.
My chin lifted to meet him, and I knew he was thanking me for more than sitting next to him. “You’re welcome.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but I leaned in, pressed my hand to his cheek. “Don’t. We’ll talk but later. Okay?”
He turned, brushed his lips over my palm and then pulled my hand back into his lap. “Yes. We will.”
The final service started then and through it, I sat straight ahead, wiped tears from my eyes, rested against Gage when his exhale turned shaky.
And when it was done, I stood in line, gathered the flowers we’d been handed and dropped one small daisy onto the small casket and hugged Penny one last time.
Gage was behind me the entire time, leading me, and once that was done, his hand guided me to where Shannon and Paige stood with Powell and Hale.
They hugged me immediately, and I returned it with all of my strength.
“It’s good to see you again,” Paige said. “Despite the reason. You doing okay? I’ve learned recently you spent some time with Brandon.”
As she spoke, her eyes slid to Gage behind me and back to me. Jeez. Exactly how much had he said to people over the last few days? I’d figure that out later.
“I’m okay. Tired.”
“Yeah. This was exhausting. So sad.”
Beaux stepped to his wife and pulled her to his side, kissing her temple. “Hey Elizabeth.” He flicked his eyes to Gage. “We’re going to head to workouts. See you tomorrow, right?”
“Right,” Gage responded. Like men did, they sealed their conversation with a fist bump.
Despite the sadness and how tired I was, I still smiled at the gesture.
“Take care,” Shannon said, waving and grinning. “And we’re talking soon. A whole bunch.”
Her implication couldn’t be ignored and as they walked away, I faced Gage. “You don’t have practice today?”
“Coach Pomville gave me the day off and it’s our bye week so practices are limited anyway.” He pulled his eyes off me, looked to the sky. As he did, a heavy breath left him and he shoved his hands in his pocket. “I really need a nap. And I’d like you with me.”
My expression must have got his attention because he lifted one hand, palm out. “Just sleep. We need to talk, I know, but fuck, Beth. I could use some company today.”
What else could I say to the man I’d given my heart to despite the risks it meant? And who looked so shattered. Worse, he was also nervous and there was no reason to be. I took his hand and slid my fingers through his. “Of course. Whatever you need.”
Twenty-Seven
Gage
Letting go of Elizabeth’s hand as we reached her car caused almost more pain than the idea she’d refused to sit by me. I’d had four long days to think of how I treated her. A long conversation with Shannon who stopped by after she heard about Brandon that ended with her reaming my ass for being such a gigantic fucktwit.
Her words. Not mine. Because I used real words when I was angry. But the meaning was clear. I’d royally screwed up in a thousand different ways.
And I didn’t know if Elizabeth thought I wouldn’t know she was at the funeral home this morning, but if she did, she truly didn’t understand the depth of connection between us. For me, it singed my blood when I caught her ducking her head like she was avoiding me. It hadn’t taken much to get Shannon to get her to me at the burial site.
But now with her hand in mine again, the last thing I wanted was to let go.
“You’ll follow me?” I asked. My thumb ran against her inner wrist.
Sad, red-rimmed eyes blinked at me. And then offered me the best choice I’d had all week long. “I can leave my car here. You can bring me back later?”
There was no way in fuck I was returning to this cemetery later. Or tomorrow. Or ever. But I’d figure out a way to get the car to her.
“I’ll take care of it.” And because I couldn’t resist, I leaned down, brushed my lips over her cheek. “I know I’ve been a dick, but thank you, for today, for that offer.”
Her trembling hand pressed to the chest of my suit jacket. I covered it with mine and cringed at how cold she was. It was forty degrees and drizzling, miserable for this time of year, but not far outside the ordinary.
“Come on. I parked over here.”
The guys had helped carpool me to the cemetery earlier and I’d hopped in Powell’s Escalade where they drove me to the funeral home. Since I didn’t have practice today, but they were still going in, it made it so I didn’t have to figure out how to get home afterward too. Penny had asked me to ride in the limo with her family to the burial and while that had sucked, she appreciated my presence.
I’d been more of an uncle or friend to Brandon for the several years than his own dad had and not only was I honored to help take care of Penny, her parents had greatly appreciated it too.
Hell, my own mom had offered to fly in to be there for her even though they’d only met once in the last four years. But mom to mom, if anyone understood Penny’s pain, it was mine.
God. What a fucking, miserable day. Week.
“You okay?” Elizabeth asked as we walked. She stumbled and I looked down at her shoes. Black, pencil thin heels sunk into the soppy grass. I didn’t even hesitate.
“No. I’m not,” I answered as I bent. She pulled back, surprise on her face, but before she could react, I swung her into my arms and hers flew around my neck.
“What are you doing?”
“Faster I get home, faster I can sleep. Faster we can talk. You were taking a year in those heels.”
She huffed and I didn’t think I’d be able to laugh that day, but as she buried her forehead into my shoulders and laughed, slapped me on the back, I let loose the first quiet laugh I’d had all week.
“That’s not nice,” she finally said.
“Yeah. But we’re at the truck and now I can get you warm.”
Her head rose, sparkling blue eyes still bloodshot from crying crinkled at the edges. “Thank you.”
She had nothing to thank me for. I had a thousand things to beg forgiveness for. If anyone was going to be saying thank you, it should have been me. And I would after I heard that she forgave me for being such a world class asshole.
I opened the door and helped her climb into the Navigator. Then I hurried around the front, slid in, and while I started the ignition, I pressed the heat warmer buttons and cranked up the heat.
“Damn,” I said, blowing into my own hands. “It’s cold out there.”
“I couldn’t tell if it was the weather or my own sad heart.”
I knew what she meant. I might have been ready to talk about us, but Brandon would take awhile. I rubbed my hands together again to warm them and threw the car into drive.
I lived north of downtown Raleigh, almost on the outskirts, and in good traffic, it took about forty minutes to get to.
That car ride was the longest lasting forty minutes I’d ever felt. We didn’t say much, but we are both thinking a lot. Elizabeth pressed her head to the window almost as soon as we pulled out of the cemetery and more than once I caught her drawing little shapes with her fingertip on the glass.
She sighed a few times and closed her eyes.
Had I not been driving I would have done the same thing.
The whole thing sucked and there were no eloquent words to put into the life of a child ending in the way Brandon’s had done. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. Unfortunately, those of us left behind never got the answers that made sense.
Which meant the only way
to move on was to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I’d remember Brandon as often as I remembered Harrison. Which sucked, but more than once over the last few days I’d prayed and asked my brother to look after the new kid. I didn’t know if God worked like that. If where the boys were worked like that, but it never hurt to ask, and if they were together, I could smile imagining them running routes and catching passes, happy and healthy and pain-free for the rest of their days.
“We’re here,” I said, slowing down at the private gates to my driveway. I didn’t exactly like living like I had a stick up my ass, but my privacy and security was important.
“Wow.” Elizabeth lifted her head off the window like it took effort and she blinked slowly, head swiveling to take in the land in front of her. You could see my house from the end of the driveway. It wasn’t that far back and as she took it all in, her jaw went slack, her eyes wide. “You live in a palace.”
I wished. But the house was huge. Ten thousand square feet of space that went empty most of the time and even if I ever did get married and have kids, it’d still be way too big.
“Yeah, but I liked the privacy and I didn’t buy the house for the building, but the backyard.” I punched in the code. “Code is four-five-four-five. Use it whenever you like.”
“Do the numbers mean anything?”
“Harrison’s youth jersey number.” The gates opened and I punched the gas.
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult this day is for you. What kind of memories it brings back.”
I drove up the driveway, not bothering to make the curve that would take me to the garage. It was closer to my room if we went in the front door anyway. Parking, I faced her. “Bad ones. Really bad ones. But mixed with those there’s a lot of good ones and I try usually to focus on those.”
Her lips twitched, slowly rose at the corners. “You’re smart.”
“Sometimes.” I shrugged and pulled the keys out of the ignition, opening my door. “Sometimes I’m an idiot.”
I hopped down and closed my door, but the glimpse I got through the windshield before she opened her door was her fighting a grin.
I met her at her side and reached for her hand. “All men are,” she said.
“Comes with having a dick, I figure. Too much blood rushes to one part and cuts off the other.”
“Can’t always think when you want to?” Her words were teasing, the thinly veiled meaning behind them not. She yawned then, and while the teasing was good, rest would give us a clear mind.
I hit the buttons on the alarm, kicked the door closed, and reset the panel. “Come on. My room’s upstairs. Let’s sleep and then we’ll pick up that conversation, okay?”
“Yeah,” she said around another yawn. Her shoes clattered to the floor and she took my hand. “That’d be good.”
We climbed the stairs together. Her hand slid on the banister. The exhaustion set in with each step as we trudged down the hallway, the air heavy, the mood somber, and yet through it all, she held my hand, leaned her weight against my arm and when we reached my room, she wore her dress, stockings, and a smile.
“What’s the smile for?”
“Your house is really pretty. Huge but I like all the dark wood. Makes it feel cozy.”
“I’ll give you a tour later.” I went to my closet and to the dresser-sized island that sat in the middle. Swear to God, my own closet was bigger than my dorm room in college, or any bedroom I’d had growing up.
At first, I felt guilty for buying such a large house, but the backyard with a basketball and tennis court, pool, and a fitness gym over the disconnected extra garage sold me. I’d lived my whole life in a minuscule three-bedroom home with a bedroom that barely fit a twin bed. I hadn’t been built for a twin bed since I was fourteen.
So when I got traded here, I found the space I wanted. My only requirement was somewhere I felt free. Someplace quiet. Someplace that felt like home and the backyard was a killer. I could be active or relax, host parties or shoot a ball well after the sunset, which I did often. It was lonely sometimes in such a large house, but I wasn’t often alone. A lot of the guys hung out at my place when we got together in the offseason.
Hopefully after today, Elizabeth would be spending a lot of time here.
I dug through my drawers and pulled out a gray T-shirt and a pair of pajama pants I rarely wore.
“I have a shirt for you,” I said, walking out of the closet. She was sitting at the foot of my bed and the mere vision of her froze my feet to their spot on the carpet.
She had one leg lifted in the air as she rolled one of her thigh-highs down her leg. Which meant… she had on a garter belt. Fuck me.
Her other stocking was set nicely next to her, giving me a hundred ideas.
I willed my dick to settle, the blood to go to the correct brain for once, and tossed the shirt to her. “You can wear that to sleep in if you’d like.”
Then I tore my eyes away from her body, so perfectly sexy at the edge of the bed like so many nights at Velvet and put my back to her. “I’m going to change in the restroom. You can use it when I’m done.”
I left her there, looking enthralling and beautiful, a slightly stunned expression on her face at my sudden bluntness. But that couldn’t be helped. Her anywhere on a bed looking so cute and sleepy could be the end of me.
* * *
I woke to a tiny body wrapped in my arms, the sunlight finally peeking through the clouds and shining in my bedroom. After Elizabeth used the restroom, she crawled into bed and without asking, without waiting, but assuming correctly, she curled her body into mine. I’d wrapped my arms around her and she covered my hand on her stomach with hers.
I’d kissed her temple, thanked her again for coming home with me, and on a yawn I’d been fighting for what felt like hours, I closed my eyes.
It was the exact ending I needed to a horribly shitty week.
Now, my phone was vibrating on my nightstand. Without wanting to wake Elizabeth, whose soft little sounds told me she was still sleeping, I slid my arms out from beneath her and reached for my phone.
“Hey Ma,” I said, my voice was gravelly from sleep and stress. I put my feet on the floor and sat up, scrubbing a hand down my face. “What’s going on?”
“How’d it go today, honey?”
Only my mom could call me honey and get away with it. Then again, she’d changed my diapers and wiped my ass, a fact she reminded me of whenever I got sassy.
The question brought back an onslaught of emotion through the day. Seeing Penny. The damn small casket. Brandon’s tiny face—now sporting a healthy hue thanks to the mortician. It seemed even more unnatural than his pale skin had when he was alive.
“It was…it sucked.” I settled on the truth. “Really sucked, Ma.”
A warm hand pressed to my back and the bed shifted. Without looking back, I held onto Elizabeth’s hand as it slid over my shoulder. The bed shook as she moved closer and then her knees were at my hips, her cheek on my shoulder and both of her arms were wrapped around my chest.
Goddamn. I’d royally screwed up with this girl and she didn’t hesitate for a single second to comfort me.
“I’d like to give Penny a call in a few days,” she said on the other end. “Think that’d be okay?”
I had no idea. But my mom had the sweetness in her to heal the most angry and ugly wounds. “I know her parents are here for awhile, but I’m sure she’d like to talk to you.”
“Good. Good.” I could see her. Sitting in her living room, dragging a pearl across a simple gold chain, chewing her lip. Nervous and sad, so aching for someone in pain it went against her nature to not be here in person. “I’ll do that then.”
“It’s all good, Ma. Penny would like to hear from you. And if anyone can help her, it’s you.”
“Well,” she sniffed and I could tell she was crying. My mom’s heart broke when people around her hurt. It’s what made her such a good pastor’s wife. My dad for years sa
id he couldn’t do his job without her and it didn’t take a genius to figure out why. She knew what people needed whether in pain or joy and had the strength to give it to them regardless of the cost to her. “You don’t need to make me cry by being so sweet.”
“I’ll try not to be sweet then.” I laughed softly. At my shoulder, Elizabeth’s curved into a smile. “I gotta go though, Ma, I’ve got things to take care of today.”
Like finding the strength to mend something I’d broken.
“Oh. Okay. Your father and I will be there Saturday. Is that still okay?”
Shit. I’d completely forgotten about the center opening on Sunday. It was our bye week so we were doing the grand opening before the first game of the day so everyone could spend the day enjoying it while watching football even if the Rough Riders weren’t playing on the screen.
“Yeah, Ma. I’ll see you then. Tell Dad I said hi.”
“Will do,” she chuckled. “But you know your dad.”
“I do.” Work hard all the time. It killed him to miss giving the sermons on Sundays, but he’d learned long ago if he wanted to see any of my games, which he did, he had to loosen the reins and hire an Associate Pastor. I still knew he’d be watching the online streaming of it, ensuring Pastor Luke was doing a good job.
“See you soon.”
“Okay dear. Take care and call me if you need me.”
I promised her I would and hung up. Then I tossed my phone back to the nightstand. My head fell to my hands and behind me, Elizabeth’s hands roamed my back, heels digging into the back of my shoulders.
A groan fell from my throat. “God. Damn. That feels good.”
She worked my shoulders and back, her little hands not having the strength to get my deepest knots out, but it felt fantastic regardless. Mostly because it was her hands and she was kneading my bare flesh.
“Your mom is very sweet.”
“Sweet as sugar. With a bite of a rattler if you crossed her.”
“I could see that, too.” Her soft laugh skated across my skin.
My shoulders slumped. This was too easy. So perfect. With too much to say. Clasping my hands in my lap, my gaze landed on the wall in front of me. “I owe you a very large apology and an explanation.”
