I reply, “I’m okay, Skye is here. I’ll call if I need you.”
I shut everything down and close up for the night, a wave of tiredness has finally washed over me.
When I enter the bedroom, I know she isn’t asleep. She’s laying on her back, and I can see the whites of her eyes as she stares at the ceiling. I head into the bathroom and get ready for bed. I only just promised myself I would make Mama proud and hold on to Skye, but already I fear what will happen to us when I tell her the truth about why I left. Steeling myself, I come out of the bathroom and slide into bed beside her, laying on my back, afraid to touch her, terrified she’ll turn me away when I just need to hold her and forget about the pain for a little while.
“Are you okay?” she whispers.
“Yes,” I reply. “And by that, I mean no.” I chuckle mirthlessly.
She turns on her side in bed and faces me, her eyes luminous in the twilight of the room. She opens her arms. “Come here, let me hold you tonight.”
“Are you sure?”
“More than ever, for years you’ve chased away my nightmares. Let me help you find some comfort with everything that has happened.”
“I’d love that more than anything right now,” I admit, not feeling ashamed to need her. After everything with my mother is dealt with, I am going to do what my mother wanted. I’m going to make Skye see how much I love her. She’s all I have left.
I move closer and her arms wrap gently around me. I’m not sure if either of us will sleep tonight. But at least we have the comfort of each other’s arms.
Seventeen
Today will bring some closure for us both. After the funeral, we can move on and start to heal ourselves. Preston decided that his parents will be laid to rest together. I didn’t know his father well but I do know Liliya would be happy that they are being laid to rest together.
I’m nervous. Actually, that’s putting it lightly. I’m terrified. I don’t feel ready to stand at Preston’s side and have all eyes on us. People in this town talk and today is not the day for us to be scrutinized. But I will do anything to show him my support, and if that means dealing with people, then so be it.
Dressed head to toe in black, we sit silently in the car as it pulls into the cemetery. I see the whole gang is already there as well as some of Liliya’s friends. The last time I was here was when my grandmother passed away. I never wanted to come back, there are too many bad memories. Everything changed after that day.
Preston shuts his car door and it brings me out of my memories. I step out of the car, and I follow him to the graveside. Under the awning it feels stark and cold, you wouldn’t guess it’s a hundred degrees outside. I slide my hand into his because I know he needs me to be strong and help him get through this in one piece. He squeezes my hand hard.
“Are you alright?” I whisper.
“I just need to get through today,” he replies, loosening his grip on my hand a little.
We listen to the service and lean on each other, staring at the casket. It contains the cremated remains of his mom and dad, together at last. He squeezes my hand again as it’s lowered into the ground. When they look to him to throw the first shovel of dirt on them, he releases my hand and steps forward. After tipping some of the dirt into the grave, he then takes something out of his pocket. It catches the light and sparkles as he tosses it into the grave and I wonder what it was that he sent with them to their resting place as he shovels more dirt over their casket.
Turning back, he takes my hand in his. I squeeze it hard as an unfamiliar lump forms in my throat. It’s foreign, almost as if I might cry. Swallowing, I start to visualize Liliya reuniting with her husband and peacefulness surrounds me.
A number of guests have gathered and are waiting to offer their condolences to Preston. It makes me nervous to be around so many unfamiliar people and I make my excuses. “I’m going to go stand with Shaina and Lea,” I tell him feebly. “I will send Craig over.”
“Please stay with me,” Preston pleads. “Mama would have wanted you to meet her friends.”
“Okay, I’ll stay.” Even though I would rather not, I would do anything for him.
Preston tugs on my hand and keeps me by his side as he greets people and accepts their condolences. I tense beside him as I catch a glimpse of my mother. Why is she here? Did my father come with her? I brace myself for him to cause a scene, but my mom just makes eye contact and drops a rose into the grave then leaves without a word.
Preston planned a luncheon where he makes an effort to speak with all of his mother’s friends. I stay by him for a few more minutes and then motion Craig over to stay with Preston while I make sure the manager of the restaurant knows to come to me with any problems. It’s good for me to be strong for him like this. As I walk back to Preston, I slow, and my heart starts to pound. Dimitri and Evgeni Volkov are greeting Preston and hugging him. Then they stand back, as their father Vasily steps up to Preston. My chest tightens and my thoughts start racing. I first met the brothers one winter when they were here on vacation visiting my father. Their family is in the diamond business with hints of mafia connections. They are known for being brutal and I’m in shock that they are here. How on earth does Preston know them?
Vasily takes Preston’s face into his hands and says something to him then kisses each cheek. He’s the same height as Preston but seems so much larger than him in this moment. I stay where I am, not wanting to interact with any of them. I just stare in shock, watching as Vasily gives Preston a hug. When he pulls away I swear I see tears in his eyes. Preston turns toward me and our eyes lock. He inclines his head in question, noticing my demeanor. After a minute or two of polite conversation, something I didn’t know the Volkovs were capable of, Preston excuses himself and crosses the room to me.
“What is the Volkov family doing here?” I demand. “I didn’t realize you knew them.” My voice is devoid of all emotion, I won’t let him see the internal freak out I am having.
“You know the Volkovs?” He raises a brow, then catches himself. “Of course you do.” He shakes his head as he realizes that they are most likely associates of my father’s. “Fuck, Skye, we really need to sit down and have that talk. That is my Uncle Vasily and my cousins,” he tells me and looks back at them. They are watching us.
“You’re kidding me, right?” I choke.
“No. Come on, let’s go find somewhere more private and I will tell you all about it.” He takes hold of my hand.
I stiffen and gently slide my hand out of his. “There is a time and a place for a conversation like that, Preston. We just buried your parents. Let today be about paying respect to your Mama. I won’t let this get in the way of what she deserves.” Plus, the conversation we need to have has to be done in private. If the Volkovs are somehow involved I suspect it won’t be pretty. I won’t say that out loud though, because I don’t want him to lose his nerve.
“You’re right, but we will have this conversation soon, it’s long past due,” he says solemnly.
I stayed by his side the whole time, not really talking with everyone but listening and picking up on the conversations. This is how I found out more about the connection between Vasily and Liliya. She was born Liliya Rose Volkov…my mind was blown by this. All this time, through all their hardship, she was related to one of the wealthiest families in Russia. Vasily re-told stories of his sister and him growing up and I joined in with everyone laughing, despite myself at what a practical joker Liliya was. Even though I was near bursting with questions I saved them for another time. I was enjoying all the stories of Liliya, of hearing how kind she was, not only to me but everyone…except apparently Vasily. Eventually people slowly start to trickle out and once the last guests had gone, we rode home in silence.
Once back home, we change, and Preston tells me he has a little work to do. Part of me wants to tell him to leave work for today, but I know that he needs an escape and maybe I am delaying the inevitable too. I don’t know if I’m ready to know wha
t business Preston has involving associates of my father. But I trust him, so I let it go. Now is his time to grieve, everything else comes second.
Eighteen
The awkward morning routine where I would move an inch and he would jump from the bed like he was on fire, is gone. Now we lay wrapped in each other. I open my eyes and watch him for a minute. The tightness in my chest that used to be present has gone, but the butterflies in my belly are there in full force. This is the good type of anxiety. I smile and lean forward, lightly kissing his full lips, then pull back.
Needing to go to the bathroom, I try to free myself from his arms, but he pulls me closer, locking me to his chest. His breathing steadies and he opens his eyes. “Dobroe utro karasavica,” he murmurs.
My brow furrows. “Morning. What does that mean?” I can’t resist the urge to trace my fingers from his eyebrows down the side of his face.
“It means good morning beautiful.” His arms fall slack and he just watches as I study his face with my fingertips.
“I like it,” I admit.
“Get used to it.” He smiles. “I will tell you every day,” he says, stirring up the butterflies once again with his intense look that I have come to recognize as desire. I don’t know when things shifted between us, but we are definitely more than simply two people with a history. It excites me and terrifies me in equal measure and while I enjoy the gentle touches and light kisses we share, I can’t predict when and if he will want to turn it into more and that makes me nervous.
Catching him off guard, I jump out of bed to escape any possibility of him making a move right now, and make a mad dash to the bathroom, snatching some clothes from a drawer on my way.
“Skye, what the hell? Get back here,” he says in a husky, sleepy voice.
“I’ll be right back. I need to use the bathroom…” My voice has a nervous pitch to it. Ughh!
I want him. He’s everywhere in my head, and I love the way he consumes me; my every thought, the simplest action. Through all the hell I’ve experienced and despite what we’ve put each other through, Preston has always been my calm. The way he makes me feel with a simple brush of his knuckles against my face. Just him saying my name… is simply A-MAZING.
I thought I’d never feel like this again. But no matter how good it feels to be close to him again, we have so much to talk through before we can take the next step and it makes me sick to think about opening up about my past to him. It’s one thing to sleep side by side with him every night, but telling him everything brings my worst fears to the surface. Fears I cannot face, fears he has helped me through the years to get over, without knowing he was helping. I don’t want to see him look at me with disgust, just as I view myself in the mirror. But I feel in order to put it in my past, I need to share it all with him. Just like he needs to share some things with me.
My mind veers back down memory lane. While my friends were having pool parties and going to the movies, I was learning to hide from my father’s friends and dealing with how they would leer at me.
How sick and dirty they would make me feel. I sit down on the edge of the tub as the dark thoughts and horrors of the past try to grab onto me and pull me down. I can still see each of their faces, smiling or winking at me. The older I got, the more they made it seem like accidents, a brush here, or what they would pass off as a playful smack to my bottom there. I was unable to fight them off, because then I would feel the wrath of my father, trying to figure out what I did so wrong to deserve to be treated this way.
I never could understand why my mother allowed it to happen, she did nothing but drown herself in a bottle. Once upon a time I loved my parents, but they destroyed any emotion I felt for them as they destroyed any semblance of my childhood.
My mind continues to pull me deeper into the darkness of my past, of things I cannot change. All the love and happiness left my life the summer my beloved grandmother passed away. That was when the abuse began. It took years to figure out why my parents hated me so much.
Money, it always boils down to money. They acted like it was my fault Grams left all her money to me.
In the darkness of despair, although it’s rare, I feel the anger slowly snake its way up my back. I want to scream, lash out, bring pain down on my parents for all the suffering they caused me. As my hands begin to sweat and my chest begins to shake, I inhale a deep breath, mentally chastising myself to keep it together.
And as quickly as the darkness encompasses me, it’s shoved away as I hear my name being called. “Skye…Skye? Detka, you’re scaring me, open the door!” That name snaps me out of my memory but I’m still frozen.
I try to reply, but I can’t. The door bursts open, revealing Preston in the doorway. It’s his concerned look that has me leaving the past right where it belongs, in the past. I choke back the fear and swallow.
“Yes?” I don’t let any of the raging emotions pass through in my tone. Calm and cool, that’s my motto.
“Are you alright?” he asks carefully, assessing me.
I want to scream about how broken I really am but chin up and all that. I won’t let the past break me even further.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I reply.
He pauses for a moment, his eyes searching me. “I was calling you.”
“Oh.” I shrug, slightly. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. I must have been daydreaming.” I give him a crooked smile.
Thankfully he seems to take this at face value and returns my smile. “Let’s do something fun today,” he suggests after a moment. “We both need to get out of the house for a while.”
Nineteen
Judging by the look of horror etched on her face when I barged into the bathroom, I’d say she’s anything but fine. I meant what I said, we both need to get out of here and do something fun. I’ve a special place in mind that I think will do us both some good.
“What do you want to do?” She tucks her hair behind her ear and gives me a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. I’d do anything to put that rare look of joy back into her eyes.
There’s one place that we used to go and sit and talk for hours; I haven’t been there in years. The last time I was there was when I first came back, and I thought maybe she could be hiding in the mountains. My mood suddenly lifts at the thought of taking her there; to our place.
I’m still as I watch her face, hoping she’ll like my idea. “A hike sounds good, are you up for one?”
She perks up at this. “Yes! Where?”
“Taquitz?” I feel like that young boy again.
Ahh yeah…there’s the smile of hers that reaches her eyes and makes them burn. “I’d love that! The last time I went there was with you,” she finishes softly.
“Then it’s perfect that you’ll go back with me.” The cocky smile is back on my face.
She looks down at herself, a towel wrapped around her. “Can I get dressed first?”
“I think that’s a wise idea.” I back out, giving her space as she dresses.
When she’s in the bathroom I slip on a pair of board shorts and a t-shirt. Just as I finish putting my shoes on she opens the door and steps into the bedroom. She’s in shorts and a tank top. I slowly smile at her.
She rushes over and throws her arms around my waist, hugging me tight, shocking the hell out of me. It’s unlike her to display affection like this.
She pulls back slightly, and I squeeze to keep her by me. She looks up at me, and I study her face, brushing my knuckles down her cheek and then I tuck a curl behind her ear. “That’s better, Detka.” I hesitate. “I know you’ve asked me not to call you that, but…” I place a soft kiss on the tip of her nose.
She cocks her head to the side and eyes me. “But you keep doing it anyway.”
“I can’t help it, it just slips out.” I stroke her face again. “Would you let me call you that again?” I ask, hoping beyond hope we are in that place again.
She blushes perfectly and leans her head on my chest. “Yes, I’d like that.”
The reality of her acceptance has warmth spreading through me, and I begin to really think we will be okay. No, I know we will be okay. After we talk, that is.
We get in the car and drive up the mountain road. I remember back to my first time up here, it was during our winter break from school. Skye and I walked up here because we didn’t have a car. The day was beautiful, seventy and sunny.
We pull into the parking lot that overlooks the valley. I remember when it was illegal to come up here so we would sneak past the house at the end of the road.
“Looks different, doesn’t it?” I say to Skye as I stop the car.
“Totally, when did they build this?” She points to the new outpost building.
“A couple years back, beats sneaking up. Ready?”
She looks at me and gives me a small smile. “Yeah, let’s go.”
We get out of the car and she takes a second to look at all the changes. There’s a parking lot for one. All the big boulders we used to climb over now lead us to the building. We start walking to the new visitor’s center. It’s pretty cool, and you can learn all about the native Agua Caliente band from this area.
I smile at the girl behind the counter. I’m not sure she remembers me, but we both went to high school with her. I pay the park admission and strike up conversation. “Is the water flowing today?”
“Yes, just so you know, there have been signs of rattlers on the trail path.”
“Thanks for the heads-up,” I reply. Taking Skye’s hand, we make our way outside to the trails. I take a moment to study the map and notice some of the rules on it…no swimming? Well, isn’t that a load of shit. So really not much has changed since I was a kid and came here, but it’s all about not getting caught.
I love it here so much, and although it hurt to be here without her, it became my place to come and reflect. I’m so excited that we get to come up here together today after the hours I have spent here alone with only her on my mind. We don’t rush through the trail because at this time of the morning the rattlesnakes like to come out and either sit in the middle of the trail or find a nice warm rock to sunbathe on. The heat isn’t that intense at this time of the year, so the rare treat of wild flowers adds splashes of colors throughout the path. I look over at Skye and she has a smile on her face as she takes everything in.
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