Yet once he was gone and I was alone, I walked from room to room. Hamilton went with me, and as I stood in the sitting room he said, Don’t do it. Don’t make it easy for them. Do as you said yesterday, go and see the solicitor.
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘I’ve got to start that woman’s story.’
You can work late tonight. That’ll keep you out of bed. Go on, go now, else you won’t go at all.
They called the solicitor Mr Pearson. He was middle-aged and very nice. He said yes, such a thing as I proposed could be arranged but could I tell him why I was taking this step.
Could I tell him? Could I say that although I knew deep within me my husband had married me for my house and for what money I had, I wouldn’t have minded except that he had turned out to be a horrible individual. How horrible was only known to myself. What I answered him was, ‘I have good reason for doing what I’m doing, Mr Pearson.’ He stared at me for some seconds before saying with a slight smile on his face, ‘I’m sure you have;’ then adding, ‘I’ve always thought of you as a very sensible girl, not at all like your mother, if I may say so, who was more erratic in her dealings. What you must do in this case is to take your grandmother to see your bank manager.’ He stopped here and pulled a slight face as he said, ‘Aren’t you afraid of her spending your money?’
‘No, not at all. She wouldn’t do that. But if she did it wouldn’t matter; there’s nobody I’d like to have it more than her or my stepfather.’
‘Well’—he stood up—‘you seem to like your relations better than most and it’s a very nice attitude to come across. Although at the same time’—his face now took on a solemn look—‘I am sorry that you feel obliged to do this.’
‘I am too, Mr Pearson.’
We parted with a handshake after I had asked him not to send the document concerning the matter to my home but to Gran’s address.
‘You must be up the pole, lass. God in heaven! you can’t do a thing like that.’
‘I have done it, Gran.’
‘Look, lass, all that money. What did you say? Nearly three thousand pounds worth of bonds an’ all that money in the bank an’ building society. Eeh! lass.’ She backed from me and leant against the little kitchen table. Then rubbing her hands across her mouth, she said, ‘What if our Georgie gets his hands on it?’
‘He would act the same as you do, Gran. Anyway, you are just sort of being guardian to it.’
‘But you say it’s in my name an’ I have to go and see the bank manager?’
‘Yes. And if I want any money I’ve got to come and ask you.’
‘Eeh, bugger me eyes! I’ve heard everything now. But what’s made you do this, lass?’
I could tell her what had made me do this, even about his vile language, and she surprised me by saying, ‘Oh, that’s not uncommon that. I know that at first hand, ’cos you see I went into service when I was fourteen. It was over Morpeth way. Gentry they were; not the top drawer but the riding, shooting, fishing kind. They had six bairns and the master was a warden in the church, an’ all the servants knew about his language. Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth during the day, but at night-time he went for the mistress as if he was talking to a whore from the streets. His drink was port and brandy mixed. Men are queer cattle, lass, but yours is a dirty-minded bugger to take that line with you. One thing you mustn’t do, pet, is to let him see it upsets you. That would give him satisfaction. An’ if he gets too bad you go and tell your doctor.’
I couldn’t see myself going to Doctor Kane and saying, ‘Will you speak to my husband, please, because he uses bad language?’ I could hear him over the distance exclaiming, ‘Who doesn’t, woman! Who doesn’t!’
But there was a difference in bad language and swearing. Gran swore. George swore. All the people in this district seemed to swear—as I walked down the street you could hear them, and the children too—but in a way it was clean swearing compared to the words that Howard used, and it was not only the words but the way he had of saying them.
The fact that I was penniless was not brought to Howard’s and May’s notice until almost six weeks later, when a final demand was sent for the electricity bill. I had left the previous bill together with the coalman’s bill, the butcher’s bill and a bill for wood that Howard had ordered to make more shelves for his bottles, and when on this Friday night, as once again I had received no housekeeping money, I quietly placed the bills in front of his plate, he looked down on them, then at me, and said, ‘What’s this?’
‘What does it look like? They’re bills.’
He turned now and glanced at May who had given herself a permanent invitation to our evening meal, which I must admit she herself provided very often. And it was May who, smiling smarmily, said, ‘But you see to the bills, dear.’
‘No, I don’t.’ I hadn’t sat down at the table; I was standing to the side of it and I shook my head like a little girl might as I repeated, ‘No, I don’t.’
‘What do you mean, no, you don’t?’ His voice had taken on the bedroom tone.
‘Well’—I looked at him—‘how do you expect me to pay bills when you never give me any housekeeping money, you give it to May?’
I saw him grind his teeth; then with his hand he swept the bills towards me, saying, ‘Don’t you take that tack, madam, with me! You pay those bills like you’ve always done.’
‘I can’t. I haven’t any money.’
Now they both screwed up their faces at me before turning and looking at each other, then back to me again.
‘You haven’t any money?’ His words were slow. ‘Yesterday you had more than three thousand pounds and today you haven’t any money. Have you gone really mad?’
‘That’s what I used to have, but I haven’t anything now.’ I watched him slowly rise up, and even from the other side of the table he towered above me, his thin length seeming to stretch with each second of the silence that followed, until I broke it, saying, ‘I gave it away…legally.’
Again the brother and sister exchanged glances; and now May was on her feet. ‘You what?’ They both spoke together, and I repeated, ‘I gave it away legally. It’s all been signed and sealed by my solicitor.’
Slowly he came round the table now until he was my short arm’s length from me, and I saw his jaw working backwards and forwards. His pale skin had turned almost purple, and for a moment I thought he was going to choke before he brought out the words, ‘Who did you give it to?’
‘Well, you would know who I would give it to, wouldn’t you? There was nobody but Gran, and failing her it goes to George.’ He turned slowly from me, only I think to prevent himself from striking me to the floor, and then he took his hand and swept it across the table, and in its passage my plate of fish pie, my cup and saucer, the sugar basin and the milk jug, all went flying; and then he let me have it from his mouth. ‘You bastard! You deformed stinking little bastard.’ And there followed a spate of words that not only shocked May, but surprised her into protest, and she cried at the top of her voice, ‘Howard! Howard! Stop that! No! no! Stop that, please. Such language.’
‘Shut up!’ He rounded on her now. ‘You got your way, didn’t you? You…you got your way and this is the result. Tied to that!’ He thrust out his arm and pointed to me as if I was some crawling creature; and he made me feel like that. Yet I felt not the slightest remorse at what I had done. I had paid him back. I had paid them both back in part, even though I knew that wouldn’t be the end of it; he being who he was would make me pay.
And he did.
PART TWO
THE EMERGING
One
The years that followed I look upon as the doctor and dog period because Doctor Kane became my bulwark and I fell in love with dogs. Hamilton didn’t seem to mind, for, as he said, dogs were much more trustworthy than people.
My real association with Doctor Kane began one Wednesday morning. I had felt sick in the morning for some time now and when I told Gran about this she said, ‘My God! lass, you’re preg
nant.’
Pregnant? Yes, I should have realised that; I was stupid. So I was going to have a baby. How wonderful! How marvellous! Yet, no, because it would be a part of Howard, if not all of him. People turned out like that, all of one or all of the other. But then equally it might turn out to be like me. Oh, no, not physically anyway. Oh, please. I found I was praying, until Gran said, ‘Now don’t get upset. It’s just normal, I suppose, only I would have wished for a better father for it. Still, you’ll be its mother and it can’t go far wrong with that. You’d better go and see the doctor.’
‘Well, well; so you think you’re pregnant. How far have you gone?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know? Well, you should; if you don’t know, nobody else does. Get your clothes off.’ He pointed to the screen.
A few minutes later he said, ‘Put your clothes on again.’ And when I was once more sitting before him he looked at me in silence for a moment, his hands joined on the desk in front of him, and he asked quietly, ‘How do you feel?’
‘About what?’
‘Oh, my God!’ He turned his head to the side; then looked back at me again, saying, ‘About everything: the fact that you’re going to have a baby; how you are finding marriage; about life in general. How do you feel?’
I smiled weakly at him as I replied, ‘Taking it in a lump, awful, except I think I’m pleased about the baby.’
‘Taking it in a lump.’ The hairs on his face moved in different directions as he twisted his mouth from one side to the other. Then he asked abruptly, ‘Why did you have to do it, marry that man?’
I answered truthfully, ‘Because I thought it would be my only chance.’
‘And now you’ve found out your mistake?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m surprised at you, you know. Behind that quiet exterior, I always thought you had a lot of horse sense.’
There, he had said it again and, as before, Hamilton appeared, standing behind the doctor’s chair, his forefeet on the back of it, nodding at me.
‘Don’t look over my head when I’m talking to you; I’m not wearing a halo, not yet anyway.’ The doctor grinned at me now and, leaning forward, he said quietly, ‘You want to get out of the habit, you know, when people are speaking to you. You’re always either looking up or down or sideways but never to the front. It gives folks the wrong impression of you. As I said, I always give you credit for some horse sense at least, and you should have known a fellow like that who looks as if he’d been let out of a band-box wasn’t marrying you for your looks. Oh, yes, yes, I know. I’m being blunt, but then you’ve faced up to it long before this. That’s why I could never understand why you did it. Now if your mother had done it, and she might well have at that, I could have seen a reason for it, a good reason for it…Anyway, how do you find life with him?’
‘Awful.’
He sat back in the chair as he said, ‘Really?’
‘Yes; yes, really. He’s two different people.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Well, he appears to be a sort of gentleman to all outsiders but’—I now forced myself to look him straight in the face—‘savage would be the kinder word I’d use with regard to his attitude towards me, my…my person, I mean.’
He said nothing, but continued to stare at me.
‘And…and there is something else.’
He waited, and now I did look to the side and above his head and down to the floor before I said, ‘He talks at me in vile language, every night, just sits up in bed and talks at me.’
‘What do you mean by vile language? He swears?’
‘No, not just swearing. I don’t mind swearing. It’s vile, filthy.’
He leant forward and started to scribble on the blotting pad as if he was doodling and there was silence between us for a moment; then lifting his head abruptly he almost bawled, ‘You brought this on—’ only to realise he might be heard in the waiting room for he lowered his voice as he ended, ‘yourself, girl.’ Then his head to one side, he said, ‘Have you refused him? You know what I mean?’
I knew what he meant and I said, ‘Yes; at least, when I can.’
‘Well, that’s not going to help you. If you could try.’
I moved in my chair as if my body was shrinking down into the seat as I repeated, ‘I can’t. I can’t. He’s so cruel; no thought, nothing.’
‘What are you going to do about it?’
‘I…I don’t know. I thought about leaving the house but I think that’s what they want, him and his sister. I know now that she pushed him into marrying me. She liked the house…and the fact that I had a bit of money. But’—I pulled a slight face—‘I potched them there.’
‘Potched them? What did you do?’
I told him. And when I was finished he sat back in the chair gazing at me; then, his big hairy head flopping back on his shoulders, he let out a great laugh. I don’t know what the people in the waiting room thought because it went on for quite a while. And then he had to take his handkerchief out to wipe his eyes, and as he did so he said, ‘I was right. I was right about your horse sense. Well, if you had the courage to do that, girl, you will have the courage to work things out for yourself. Go on now. I’m not going to worry about you any more. Oh no.’ He got up. ‘Pop in again next week. Eat plenty, and take exercise. What do you do with your days?’
‘Well, I’m running a little business, typing manuscripts and such.’
‘Oh, well now, you’ve got something there. That’s good, good. But still, that’s sitting; so get yourself out and march round the town at least once a day.’
At this I saw Hamilton walking through the door into the waiting room. His knees were almost coming up to his shoulders; his tail was flashing from side to side in rhythm as a soldier’s arm does when marching. He stamped out into the street and I followed him, smiling to myself. I liked Doctor Kane, I did.
I didn’t tell Howard my news; I told May. If it had been conveyed to her before they had known I was virtually penniless, she would have clasped her hands together at her breast and exclaimed, ‘Oh, how beautiful! How delightful! Howard will be pleased.’ What she said was, ‘I hope you make enough money at your typing to engage a nurse when the time comes;’ then she added, ‘I don’t think Howard will be overjoyed.’
Howard wasn’t overjoyed. He was now having his midday meal out and she must have either gone to the shop or waylaid him on his way home. He came in as usual, took off his hat and coat in the hall, hung them up in the cloakroom and washed his hands, then came into the kitchen. I was frying some fish that May had brought in earlier; she still did the housekeeping.
He paused in the doorway and looked at me. I turned my head from the stove and looked back at him He didn’t speak until he was seated at the table; nor did I make any remark but as I placed the meal before him he gripped my wrist and, looking at me, he said, ‘So we are going to have an addition to the family, are we?’
To this I replied, ‘As May says, we are going to have an addition.’
‘It would have been nice, don’t you think, if there had been a little extra money to provide it with the essentials of life.’
‘Most husbands I know of provide for their children,’ I replied; at which, he threw my hand from him. It hit the side of the table, causing me pain, and he said, ‘Most husbands have women they can call wives.’
‘And most wives have husbands who don’t act like savage illiterate brutes,’ I snapped back. I don’t know why I put the illiterate in, and I think this upset him as much as the other adjective, for he sprang up, his arm raised, his fist doubled; but at the same time my right hand shot out and gripped the frying pan. It was still hot and had the fish fat in it, and, holding it in mid-air, I screamed at him, ‘Don’t you start that! Just don’t start that, because if you do, you’ll get as much as you send. I cannot retaliate by uttering filth for filth, but I can physically, and every time you hit me you’ll get double in return with anything
I can lay my hands on. I promise you that. Now, let’s come to an understanding: you leave me alone and we can live in this house together, but you attempt any physical force on me and, you know, this house will go where the money went. I promise you that.’ I now lifted up my short arm, and my forefinger wagged to the side of my face, emphasising what I’d said. And I repeated it: ‘I’ll sell this house. You can’t stop me, nobody can. I’ve gone into all that an’ all. So you have your choice. Your main purpose was to live here. All right, you may, and if I have a child I would like it brought up here, but not at any price.’ When he jumped back from me, I realised that I was waving the frying pan and the hot fat was spilling onto the tiled floor. Slowly, I replaced the pan on the stove; then, skirting the table, I walked just as slowly out of the room, leaving him purple with rage. And I knew he was utterly dumbfounded.
I had won another battle. Even so, I felt that the war had just begun.
Looking back down the years, I wonder how I could have tolerated this state. Could the loss of the house and its possessions have been such a force as to tie me to that man? Yes, I suppose it could. Well, it did. But there were other factors. Where would I have gone had I left there? To Gran’s? Gran was wise. She knew I couldn’t have stood living in that house in that quarter, as much as I loved her. The surroundings would have stifled me. I myself would have become like a caged animal in that one room, and perhaps become tired of Gran’s mode of expression. It was amusing, taken in small doses, but with no variation, would I not become tired of listening to it?
Yet, I ask myself, what variation had I in my own home? Only the sound of my own voice talking to Hamilton most of the day. But then, that was the point, in my own home I could talk to Hamilton, but in Gran’s I would have been unable to do that, for there was no privacy from the neighbours and the whole council estate would have soon known of the daft lass in Gran Carter’s who talked to herself. She should be put away, they would have said. And they were not the only ones who would have been of that opinion, had I tried to explain about Hamilton.
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