I had broken up the party and I was sorry. The Doctor and his wife came into the hall and he was saying now, ‘Look at the time. And there they’ll be, in the morning, rows and rows of ’em. And where will I be? Stuck in the bathroom with my head under the tap. Isn’t that so?’ He leant, swaying, towards his wife, and she, putting one arm around his waist, said, ‘Yes, as you have been so many times before, dear.’
And now the doctor turned to Nardy and said, ‘Where you staying? You staying here?’
‘Oh, no, it’s a full house here. No, I booked a room in the town.’
‘Well, come on, we’ll take you there.’
‘I think it would be safer to walk.’
‘Who you insultin’?’
There was laughter now as the doctor’s wife said, ‘I’ll be driving. You’ll be safe with me.’
There followed the business of putting on coats and of wrapping up, then handshaking all round; and when Nardy took my hands, he bent towards me, saying, ‘Get yourself out first thing tomorrow and try to find some summer dresses. You’ll need them.’
‘Need summer dresses—’ I screwed my face up as I ended, ‘In February?’
‘It won’t be February where you’re going, miss. It’s all settled. At least it will be in the morning. Remember what Rosie did at the end of your book?’
Yes, of course I remembered what Rosie did at the end of my book. We had discussed it before. She went on a cruise.
I didn’t answer him, and he said, ‘Well, that’s where you are going shortly. We’ll see that you get your passport in time. And Doctor Kane will jab you.’
‘What’s this? What’s this?’ George and the doctor and Gran were all speaking at once. And Nardy, opening the front door, turned for a moment and looked at them as he said, ‘She’s going on a month’s cruise to the West Indies. Anyway, I’ll be round in the morning.’
When the door was closed again, George and Gran turned to me, saying, ‘What’s this about a cruise?’
‘You know as much about it as I do. And anyway’—I laughed—‘I’m going on no cruise: I don’t like the sea; I’m always seasick. But where I’m going now is to bed. Will you lock up, George?’
‘Aye. Aye, I’ll lock up. It’s been a wonderful night, hasn’t it? The best I remember. Eeh! they’re a fine lot of people. And’—his voice dropped—‘a wonderful day. Aye, lass, a wonderful day.’ He gave me a smacking kiss and I turned from him and called to Gran and Mary, ‘Goodnight, Gran. Goodnight, Mary.’ And they answered softly, ‘Goodnight, lass.’
Going on a sea cruise? Not me. What did he mean anyway, it was all fixed? Really!
The following morning Nardy was round at the house by half past nine. He showed no signs of a hangover; whereas George was suffering from a severe headache. ‘That’s the bloody spirits,’ he had informed me when he staggered downstairs. ‘I should have stuck to beer. I’ve never felt like this in me life afore, even after I’ve had a skinful. Have I, Ma?’
‘Of course you have,’ replied Gran. ‘There’s times when you haven’t seen daylight until the bars opened again.’
Gran and George tactfully left me alone with Nardy in the sitting room, and immediately I said to him, ‘I haven’t got a hangover and I remember clearly your last words to me, that I had to buy a summer rig-out, dresses you said, for a cruise.’
‘Yes’—he nodded at me—‘you’re right. I haven’t got a hangover either, and those were my very words: You’re going on a cruise.’
‘Oh, no.’
‘Oh, yes, Maisie.’ He now pulled me down to the couch, saying, ‘From now on, for weeks ahead you will be eaten alive by reporters and all their kin: Smart ladies from magazines asking you to tell the world how you began to write; feminist women wanting your opinion on man and his subtleties. After yesterday’s business you’d be eaten alive. Just go to the window now, my dear, and you’ll see three men at different points along the railing bordering the field.’
‘No.’
‘Yes.’
‘But I’ve got no need to go on a cruise to get away from them; I can go on a holiday anywhere in England.’
‘Maisie, your picture has been splashed over all the morning papers. Every word that came over on the tape, every word that the judge said. And my word, he did say some words, didn’t he?’ He grinned at me now. ‘And all kindly. So you’d be recognised in any hotel the length and breadth of the country, unless you went and hid in the Welsh hills or in the depths of Cumbria. No; I thought about this some time ago, and I have a friend who runs a travel agency. I put the situation to him and they had a cancellation and he held it until last night to see how things went in court. And so my dear, you’re booked on the Oriana, sorry! not the QE2, heading for Madeira and then the Caribbean islands. But in the meantime you’ll be staying with a friend of mine in Carlisle.’
‘Oh, Nardy.’ I sat back against the end of the couch and, like a child now, I said, ‘But what will I do on board ship? I won’t know anybody.’
‘Everybody knows everybody within the first few days on a cruise.’
‘Well, if that’s the case, won’t they know as much about me there as they would on dry land?’
‘No, not really. People who are going on cruises are so taken up with excitement for days ahead that half of them haven’t time to read the newspapers. And if the other half do and you’re recognised, well, my dear, you’ve got to get used to being a celebrity, and making friends.’
‘Celebrity my foot. Here, I’ve got Gran, and perhaps George and his family because Gran tells me George doesn’t want to go back to the West Country and is going to try and get a job here again. And then I have my trips to London.’ I now pulled a face at him. ‘But on board ship, how will I spend my days?’
‘You’d be surprised.’
I stood up and walked to the fire and, my forearm resting on the mantelpiece, I looked down into the flames, and his voice came to me quietly, saying, ‘You need a change. You need to get away from this house for a time and all the memories it contains.’
I knew he was right, I did need a change. And I needed to get away from this house. This house that was totally mine now had of a sudden taken on the appearance of a cage, a cage I had made for myself and was afraid to leave.
I turned towards him, saying, ‘I’d be terribly seasick.’
‘I’ll see to that. I’ll get some special pills.’
‘A month’s time you say?’
‘Yes, a month’s time. You’ll sail on Saturday. That’s four weeks including today, so you’ll have to get cracking.’
‘I’ll have to close up the house.’
‘I’d thought about that. But you’ve just said that George would like to come back to the north again. Why not let them stay on here the time you’re away, and he can look around. And these friends that you are going to, they’re an old couple. Anne is my mother’s cousin—you’ll like her, and the house in the country.’
‘You think of everything, don’t you?’ I know my tone sounded a little terse, but then I was feeling a little terse, because this friend of mine, this dear, dear friend of mine was quite willing that I should go on a month’s cruise and meet lots of other people. It signified something in my mind that I didn’t like. Then he rose from the couch and came towards me and, holding my hands, he said, ‘I must tell you that after I get you settled at Anne’s I won’t be able to see you for a while, in fact, I don’t think I shall be on the dock to wave you off.’
‘You won’t?’
‘No, I won’t. You see’—he put his head to one side then bit his lip—‘I…I have a little business. Well, not a little business; it’s quite a big event in my life and it happens to fall on that same Saturday. But once I get back to town today I’ll get cracking on those tickets and, of course, your passport. You’ll have to fill in a form, but with a little prodding you should have it back well in time.’
I stared at him. There was a big hurt inside me which all the good things that had happen
ed to me of late couldn’t soothe. I was soon to be divorced from that man; I had my house; I was acknowledged as a writer; but here was my dear friend telling me he couldn’t come and see me off on a trip he had planned for me because he had other business on that day. When he took my hand and pressed it to his lips it meant nothing.
‘Happy days, Maisie.’
This created no response in me, and he went out of the room.
I knew he had gone into the kitchen to say goodbye to George, Gran and Mary. And I sat down and waited to hear him leave by the front door.
I looked at the clock. He had been in the kitchen over fifteen minutes.
I looked at the clock again. He had been in the kitchen over half an hour.
When at last I heard him leave, I turned and looked towards the door, and there walking through it, of all people or creatures or whatever he was, came Hamilton. And he was doing a slow waltz while singing,
One day when we were young,
One wonderful morning in May.
You told me you loved me,
When we were young one day.
I turned to the fire again and almost bitterly I said, ‘For God’s sake, go away! Don’t start that again. I don’t need you any more. I’ve got Gran and George and Doctor and Mary and the children…and the neighbours are all nice to me, and I’m no longer looked upon as some sort of freak. And I’m shortly going on a cruise. Do you hear? a cruise!’
I turned to him as I asked the question; but he was gone, and I felt more lonely and rejected than ever I’d done when I’d lived with Howard.
Nine
How did I manage to come here, sitting in a first-class cabin on the promenade deck of a ship loaded down with people all excited about going to islands where the sun shone all the time and the surrounding sea apparently hadn’t any angry waves.
The weeks had passed like a flash. I hadn’t gone to Nardy’s friends as he had planned; something had made me perverse. It was, I think, all to do with his not coming to see me off after he had arranged to have me sent packing, as I now thought of the trip. I told him that George had offered to be my bodyguard, and would deal with reporters; and to this, all his reaction had been was to laugh and say, ‘Okay.’
Gran and Mary had hustled me here and there, even to getting Peg Maddison to do a long job on me. I hoped her efforts would last during the cruise. She said they would if I followed her advice and applied the five layers as directed. I had found it a time-taking business, making up one’s face. I was asking myself now, as I caught a glimpse of my slumped figure in the long mirror in the wardrobe to the side of me, if it was worth it. I guessed I must be the most dejected and reluctant holidaymaker on this ship.
Yet everybody, without exception, had been so kind, and they all praised Nardy for his brainwave, even Mr Pearson saying he thought it was a splendid idea: I had to go off and enjoy myself and not worry about a thing, and they would do their best to rattle my divorce through.
At times during these last few days I’d let my mind dwell on Howard, because the latest retribution he was suffering, I understood, was his dismissal from the shop. Mr Hempies apparently hadn’t liked what he had said about him.
Did I feel sorry for him?
No…Oh no. I wasn’t a fool any longer.
Looking back, I realised I hadn’t believed in devils or evil, but my experience had taught me, and painfully, that there were people who were born evil. These people had two distinct personalities, and I felt now that Howard hadn’t been alone within this category. I thought back to the days when I sat in the surgery waiting room and heard snatches of conversation from weary women with regard to the lives they were being forced to lead, just a few words here and there, but so telling if you had the key, and I’d had the key.
I looked around my cabin and I had to admit it was lovely. And all those flowers. One bouquet had come from the doctor and his wife. Oh, he had been so kind. They had both come to Newcastle to see me off, and after I’d been hugged by Gran, Mary, George and the children, the doctor was the last to take my hands as I stood on the steps of the train, and what he said to me was, ‘I’m sorry, Maisie, I’ll never see you sitting in the surgery again.’
‘Oh’—I managed to laugh—‘don’t be too sure.’
‘Well, I can be, at least on one point, it won’t be for your old complaint. Now go and enjoy yourself. Life’s going to open up for you.’ Then he reached up to me and his bushy whiskers were tickling my cheek as he whispered, ‘I’ll take care of Hamilton for you; in fact, I’ll adopt him.’
Oh, the doctor. The doctor. What would I have done without him all these years; his concern, his understanding, all hidden behind that bushy hairy hedge and bullying manner.
When the train had gone round the curve as it went out of the station and I had seen the last of the waving hands, I sat back in that first-class compartment. Yes, Nardy had sent me, among other things, a first-class ticket to Southampton, and I felt more miserable than I’d ever done in my life before. And when eventually I reached the dock and, with the guidance of a porter and a steward, came on board, I think I was the only one on this trip without a friendly face to see me off or a hand to wave goodbye. There was a card attached to the bouquet from Mr Houseman and all in the publishing house wishing me a happy holiday. There was a card attached to another which read very characteristically: ‘Live it up lass. George, Gran, Mary and the bairns’.
How does one live it up on one’s own? Nardy said I would make a lot of friends on board, but in order to do so I would have to go out there and parade the decks, or go into the recreation room, or the saloon, or the dining room…Well, I’d have to go into the dining room, wouldn’t I?
Oh, dear me. I got up and went to the window. There was the sea stretching away for miles, as yet looking quite smooth. Still standing looking out, my ear picked up the soft, soft hum that could have been the sound of the engines, and I thought for a moment, it will be all right if it keeps like this. But I knew it wouldn’t. Anyway, I grabbed at the next thought, if I was seasick that would give me an excuse to stay tight put here in the cabin and be looked after by the steward. He was very nice. He told me he would be caring for me during the journey. He had said it in such a nice way, as if I was somebody special. I had just to ring if I wanted anything, anything at all.
Oh, my, what was I to do?
There came a tap on the door. That would be him.
‘Come in,’ I said. And somebody came in and the door closed.
There he stood with his back to it. The shock was such that I grabbed at my ribs as I thought, Eeh no! It’s all right conjuring up a horse, but not people that you miss. I don’t think I could have been more surprised if I’d seen Howard standing there.
‘Well aren’t you going to say anything?’
He came slowly towards me and held out his hand, but I didn’t take it. What I did was to flop down into a chair. Then, my voice a squeak, I said something silly: ‘What are you doing here?’ And he answered, ‘I’m starting a long anticipated holiday in the West Indies. I haven’t seen them for ten years.’
My voice still a squeak: ‘Why…why had you to do it like this? Upsetting people. I mean…well, making me think…It wasn’t nice; it wasn’t fair.’
He sat down beside me now, his hands on his knees. And he leant towards me as he said, ‘It mightn’t have been nice for you, but it was fair. What do you think would have been said if I had announced that I was coming on holiday with you? Even if I’d accompanied you to Southampton? As I told you, your face is well-known over the country. Things being what they are, it will be replaced shortly by someone else who has caused a sensation. But there was bound to be reporters on the quay, and I think you’ve had all the publicity you can stand for a while. So here am I. Here we are. And you don’t look very pleased to see me.’
‘Oh, Nardy; you are a funny man.’
‘Oh, my dear. Me…a funny man? Anyway, are you pleased to see me?’
‘Do you need t
o ask?’
‘No; but I do need to ask you something and tell you something, and I think I’d better tell you the something first. And it’s just this, Maisie.’ He now brought my hand up to his cheek as he said softly, ‘I love you. I love you very much.’
No-one in my life had ever said they loved me; not one, not even George, and here was this man…this gentleman saying these words to me, and meaning them, for the essence of them was in his eyes. There came over me a feeling of emerging, as if I was being born again; I felt my body growing, swelling, pushing out, away beyond this cabin, this ship, this great sea. My mind was singing beautifully but in his voice:
You told me you loved me,
When we were young one day.
‘Maisie.’ He was patting my cheek now. ‘Don’t cry, my dear. Oh, please don’t cry.’
‘I love you, Nardy. I’ve loved you for a long time,’ I said, as the tears ran from my chin. Then I muttered, ‘But how can you love me…me?’ I thumbed myself in the chest. ‘You could have anybody; you’re so …so . . ’
‘I don’t want anybody, I only want you. I’ve only loved two women in my life.’
My mouth fell open. He had loved before! Of course he had loved before. Don’t be such a fool, woman! He’s forty-five. Oh, you are a fool.
‘We were engaged,’ he was saying. ‘It was in ’65. A week before our wedding she had a car accident. She didn’t die; she lived for eight years, and she never knew anyone again.’
‘Oh, Nardy.’
‘It’s all in the past. I loved her, and I love you. And perhaps for the same reason’—he smiled softly—‘she was a real person and had a great sense of humour…Will you marry me, Maisie?’
No words came. I simply threw myself into his arms and howled and howled his name over and over: ‘Oh! Nardy. Nardy. Oh! Nardy. Nardy.’
When for the first time in my life I was really kissed I had the most odd and really ridiculous feeling: I felt beautiful.
Hamilton Page 27
