by M A Roth
Addanc hadn’t lied when he had said my power was out of control. My gift, or curse, was fire, and I started more fires than Daniel was able to put out. Each time I watched as I grew up and started to drink—the alcohol stopped my gift. Daniel encouraged my drinking, seeing how it doused my flames. Each time something went wrong, he took it away. So many of my memories lost.
I opened my eyes. I was lying on the forest floor. My mind felt heavy: too full, too much, too soon. My breathing was shallow when I thought about all Daniel had done. Daniel the demon.
“Are you okay?” a man asked to my left. I didn’t know him. Was I still dreaming?
My mind was like a broken record. Daniel was a demon. The pain in my face reminded me that I had been attacked before this. I tried to focus on the man who now moved towards me. “Don’t touch me!” My voice sounded harsh, but I needed everything to go away. I couldn’t accept this. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to shuffle away, glancing up at the man. Blood warmed the side of my face.
The man gave me a look as if I was crazy, but soon it turned to hate. “I won’t help you the next time,” he said, turning away to the group. I now noticed a number of men and women from the town, their eyes all watching me. It was too much. What did they want?
“What are you looking at?” I roared as tears started to fall from my eyes. I felt like I was losing my mind. I touched my head, my hand coming away slick with blood.
“He should have killed it,” one woman said, giving me a spiteful stare.
I wanted nothing more than to rip her head off her shoulders. Why couldn’t these people just leave me alone? “Fucking try it,” I said, rising on trembling legs. “I dare you,” I said, advancing on the group.
They all took a step back, but the women held her head high and didn’t move. “I don’t know why he’s keeping you alive. He should just kill all you bastards and be done with it,” she said with no fear in her voice.
A man moved forward, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Marie, stop,” he said.
She scowled at the man. “Why should I?” She turned to me. “Look at her. She should have never been born.”
I stood frozen for a moment, but her words made me snap. Then my hands were around her throat as I squeezed the life out of her. At least she would shut up now. A fist impacted the side of my face, knocking me to the ground and freeing Marie. She gasped for air.
My head rung. No sound came to my ears. I raised my hand to the wetness that was coming from my ear and brought it to my eyes to see my hand coated in more blood. The man that had hit me looked at me now, pulling Marie off the ground with fear. My hearing returned, but the ringing didn’t leave my head.
“Her eyes,” the man choked.
My numbness at being hit left. Anger, pure anger, took over. The landscape took on a hint of red as I stood and roared trying to release the build up from my body. My hands shot out, and flames licked from my fingertips, catching Marie’s top.
She went up in flames. She ran around, screaming, while the man that had tried to stop her from speaking earlier ran after her. The smell of her flesh burning soon filled the air, but I didn’t feel satisfied. The fire continued to fall from my fingertips and I shot it out towards the group they screamed and ran in different directions some of their clothes catching fire, but I didn’t stop I wanted them all to die. I let the fire flow through me and watched as trees went up like paper the snow melting and turning gray from the falling ash. So much hate and anger fuelled me. I could see my mother’s dead body flash before my eyes, then Sam and my dad. I watched as no foster family wanted me, my only comfort, alcohol. Father Peter’s lies, the loneliness, the pain, Nicolas slitting my throat, the lies, the betrayals, being born a monster. I let the fire rage, burning everything in its path.
“Abigail, stop.” Nicolas. “This isn’t who you are,” he said. He stood a few feet away from me, his body releasing ice as he stopped my fire, putting out all I had lit.
Elena stood firmly beside him, a sword drawn. But I didn’t want to stop, so I closed my eyes and let the fire rage higher.
“Abigail, you don’t have to do this.” His voice broke through my anger once again; the smell of burning wood and flesh tainted the air. “Please don’t make me hurt you,” Nicolas said, and he sounded like he really didn’t want to.
It made me pause for a moment. Then I remembered him slicing my throat. He didn’t mind hurting me then, leaving my mother behind with Lucifer. He didn’t mind hurting me then.
“Fuck you!” I roared, turning the fire towards him. It shot out in angry red flames. He raised his hands, meeting my attack with a rushing blue stream of ice. The impact of fire and ice sounded like the rattles of thunder, he pushed his body harder against it, forcing my fire back, but I pushed against him.
“Nicolas!” Elena screamed, but neither of us took our eyes off each other.
I used all my force, wanting to burn in the flames, wanting to destroy everything around me as it had destroyed me. This world, these people; I’d had enough.
“Abigail, stop,” Nicolas said, his breaths short. He was panting.
But all I felt was a flow of energy rush through me. I could keep this up forever. “No!” I screamed. “No!” I screamed louder.
“Please, Nicolas she will kill you.” I could hear the tears in Elena’s words. Her fear for her brother caused my eyes to turn to her, understanding her fear, like I would with Sam.
It was a split second that I was distracted, but Nicolas used it, grabbing both my hands with his. He was panting heavily now, as if he had run a mile. He forced everything into stopping the small flames that brushed his hands. I watched as the cuffs of his jacket ignited.
“You can stop.” His eyes bore into mine, pleading. They looked such a gentle brown. He didn’t let my hands go even as the flames traveled up his arms. Did he have no sense of self-preservation?
“Let go,” I said, trying to pull my hands out of his, but he held on tight. “Your hands are burning.” I could hear the panic in my voice.
“Then stop burning me.”
His gentle words made my eyes once again blur with tears, and the anger left. I crumpled to the ground as the fight left me.
Nicolas cursed as he pulled the jacket off himself. Elena helped him cover his wrists with snow. I could hear her cry with relief. “You’re okay, it's okay,” she said, covering him with more snow.
He stopped her, a small smile on his face. “I’m okay,” he said, trying to reassure her trembling body. The fire was out, and half-burned bodies, some unrecognizable, lay in the growing snow. So many of the trees were black and dead. I wanted to find a hole and crawl into it.
“Abigail, look at me.” Nicolas spoke so quietly and gently
I looked at him, as I sat hunched, willing myself to be small, praying that this wasn’t real, that I hadn’t just killed people; that what had happened with Zee wasn’t real. “Zee, he…” I couldn’t finish my sentence.
“You mean Daniel.” Nicolas said his name with a hardness. “You had to save him?” he asked.
“No, I found out what he was.” I choked on a sob, and Nicolas didn’t react. “You knew?” I pushed him away.
“It wasn’t my place.”
I sniffled, finding it hard to breathe, and I could feel a small bit of anger ignite in me. “It wasn’t your place.” Anger once again twiddled. I turned away, burying my face in my hands. I couldn’t do this, and I said as much.
“Do what?” Nicolas questioned.
“Live. I just can’t.” My last word caught on a heart-wrenching sob, and Nicolas pulled me into his arms. I didn’t stop him or flinch from his cold touch. It was dousing the angry flames that licked away inside me. He rocked me in the middle of the destruction lying all around us.
A part of me wanted to laugh; hysteria, maybe, but the bigger part of me wanted to give up. I knew how easily, right now I could make everything end. Maybe I was weak, selfish, but I was done fighting.
I pulled back
from Nicolas, knowing what I was about to do would haunt him. He was a good person, but he was my way out. I didn’t want to move from the ground. I didn’t want to have to take any more breaths. It was now or never.
I moved quickly, but at the last second, I could see the understanding and horror in his eyes. My lips touched his, the cold air immediately filling my lungs. My arms gripped him as I deepened the kiss. His coldness filled every part of me.
Dying wasn’t painful; if I was to be honest, it was nice. I felt peace, and Nicolas’s kiss was nice. He tried to pull away, but I pulled him closer.
It took me another few seconds to realize Nicolas wasn’t struggling, and I was very much alive. I pulled back, both of us breathing heavily, puffs of air filling the space between us.
“You have got to be kidding me.” I had forgotten Elena was there, but I seconded that. Why couldn’t I just die already?
“That’s not possible,” Nicolas finally said. I actually felt sorry for him.
“No. No.” Elena sounded horrified.
I was his soulmate. How the hell was that possible? I didn’t feel that way for him. I didn’t know what I felt from one day to the next. I didn’t have my own mind for a moment.
The smell of burnt flesh had my stomach tightening. I couldn’t look. No one said anything; I picked myself off the ground and started to walk back to the castle.
Elena stood in my way. “That’s it? You just walk away?” she said.
“Not now, Elena.” Nicolas’s voice had me nearly folding in on myself with guilt.
She opened her mouth, but shut it quickly as she looked at Nicolas over my shoulder. Whatever she saw on his face made her storm off.
I stiffly moved, and Nicolas didn’t stop me. I didn’t look back.
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
The next morning, I woke, and my heart felt so heavy. I hadn’t remembered the walk back here or getting into bed. Now is all I could smell off my clothes was smoke. Nicolas sat on a chair not far from my bed. I looked at his hands, which were free of gloves.
He gave me a small smile. “How do you feel?” he asked. I couldn’t say anything but stare at his hands, the hands that wouldn’t be able to kill me. The hands that had stopped me from killing more people.
“I wouldn’t have stopped,” I said, my voice small.
“But you did.”
My eyes shot up to his. Was he delirious? “Only because you stopped me,” I said.
He shook his head slightly. “No, you stopped when you saw you were hurting me.” He gave me another smile. “I’m beginning to think you care about me, Abigail.”
I sat up poker straight. “You find this funny?” I could feel the anger stir.
His face turned serious. “No. I don’t,” was all he said.
My anger died.
He sat for a few moments, not saying anything, but I knew he wanted to. Was it the whole soulmate topic? We couldn’t avoid it forever. I knew in my heart I wasn’t his soulmate. “What is it?” I asked. My heart pounded. Was everyone looking for my head on a pike? I didn’t blame them. I deserved it.
“You need a friend.”
I burst out laughing at his words. Was he serious?
When I looked at his face, he wasn’t joining in with my laughter. “Not what I expected you to say, but you always seem to amaze me.”
I got out of bed and went to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror as I splashed water on my face. I didn’t want to do this. Not with him. But I couldn’t hide in the bathroom forever.
Nicolas was still sitting on the chair when I returned. I noticed white bandages that covered his wrists and disappeared under his white top. Guilt twisted my stomach. “How are your arms?” I asked, not meeting his eye.
“I’ll be fine. I’m serious about you needing a friend.”
I stood awkwardly beside the bathroom door. “Are you volunteering?” I asked, staring him straight in the eye.
“If I was, would you accept?”
I let out a heavy breath. This was silly. “Look, Nicolas. It’s a nice offer, but I have lots of friends.”
He cut me off with a wave of his hand. “You never let anyone in. You push the world away. So I don’t believe you have friends, and to be honest, you really need one,”
I turned away from him, knowing we needed to talk about the elephant in the room. But different words came out of my mouth instead. “I’m not some charity case,” I said, puffing the pillows.
“Everyone needs people, Abigail.”
I could hear a bit of anger in his words. I turned back to him crossing my arms. “I don’t, okay, so let it go.”
“Why are you making this so hard?” Now he stood to his full height, making the room seem really small.
“Just get out, Nicolas,” I said, not wanting this conversation.
“No,” he replied.
“Fine. You want to be friends with me?” I said.
“Yes,” he answered honestly.
“That’s great. We are friends. You’re friends with Lucifer’s spawn, you’re friends with a murder, you’re friends with someone the world hates. You’re friends with someone who destroyed her whole family’s lives. You’re friends with someone who can’t tell the guy she loves him because she is too afraid. You’re friends with me. With me, Nicolas. Now, are you sure you still want to be friends?” I was panting by the end of my outburst, but I didn’t feel any better. I wanted to hit something.
“Who is the guy you love?”
I laughed at his question. “After everything I just said, that’s what you heard?”
He nodded, but his posture was stiff, his face serious.
Now I felt self-conscious. “Daniel. I mean, I was in love, until...” I trailed off, not looking at him.
He sneered. “Daniel.” He said his name with hate, and my anger ignited.
“Jesus, Nicolas. I’m not your soulmate. I hate Daniel right now. And you should hate me too. Not coming in here with your friendship crap. You sound like someone who belongs in Heaven. Not here.” He was pushing me.
“You twist everything, Abigail. Your self-destruction is becoming harder to watch. I’m only trying to be your friend.” he sounded exasperated.
“Fine. We're friends,” I shouted, not knowing why I was shouting.
“I’m glad we’re friends.” Nicolas’s words were harsh; he turned and left the room.
What the fuck. I threw a pillow at the door with as much force as I could muster, but like everything in my life; it hit the door with a most unsatisfactory thud. I growled.
“Real mature, Abigail,” Nicolas said through the door.
I lost it. I pulled the door open, and he turned around. “I don’t know how to cope...” I said, and that was it. That’s all that came out of my mouth. But it was the truth. I wasn’t good as functioning as a normal person. Daniel had really done a number on my life. “Self-destruction is all I know.” My throat was drying up as I stared at the wall behind Nicolas. “Anger... I’m afraid of losing more people. I’m afraid of everything... I’m afraid of myself.” I paused, swallowing what felt like sand. “So...I’m going to get dressed, come downstairs and have something to eat.”
Now I looked at him. He didn’t speak for a moment, and I fiddled with my fingers, feeling so fucking vulnerable.
“I’ll see you downstairs,” he finally said, and some part of me felt relief.
Cecelia was bustling around the kitchen. The smells had my stomach grumbling. I felt stronger physically, but mentally, I had never felt so broken. I swallowed that thought as I entered the kitchen.
“Morning, Abigail.” Elena announced my arrival, and Nicolas seemed to sit up straighter. Elena’s voice held frost.
I couldn’t blame her. I sat down beside them. “Morning,” I said as Cecelia placed a coffee in front of me. She wasn’t her cheerful self. She obviously knew what I had done, so I couldn’t blame her either.
“I think once we eat, we shoul
d train.” Nicolas broke the silence.
“You saw what he can do. Thirty men, and he killed them all in seconds.” We could train until our fingers bled; it would make no difference.
Nicolas rubbed his face. “We leave tomorrow, Abigail. The training isn’t for Lucifer. You aren’t going up against him.”
“What? I thought that’s why she was here.” Elena’s outburst made the relief I was beginning to feel disappear.
“I said no.” Nicolas stared Elena down, and a softness entered her eyes.
“Is this because she’s your soulmate?” I cringed.
“I’m not his soulmate,” I almost whispered, but everyone heard me.
“You are,” Nicolas told me before turning to Elena. “Yes and no. She’s not ready. I don’t think she ever will be, and I’m not putting her in harm’s way.”
This was beyond awkward.
“So what, you both stay here, get all...cozy?” Elena looked at me with disgust.
“Enough, Elena. But no, Abigail needs to return home.”
It was Cecelia who interrupted this time. “Oh, Nicolas, after everything...you let her go...I know, her being your soulmate but...“
“I’m not his soulmate,” I said. No one even glanced at me.
“She’s human. She never died. She can’t be here”
Now I had everyone’s attention.
Cecelia covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh my. How is this possible?” She sat down slowly.
I realized they were waiting for me to answer. “The tree of life.”
“Is real?” Elena looked at Nicolas, who nodded his head to confirm it. “When do we leave?” Elena asked.
“Tomorrow.”
“Okay.” Elena seemed satisfied now, but Cecelia was still staring at me.
She turned to Nicolas. “Will you be staying with her up there?” Celica asked. Awkward was an understatement for this situation.
“Yes, until she’s safe,” Nicolas answered.
I don’t know why, maybe because I had lost my mind, but I couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up my throat. I laughed until my sides hurt and tears filled my eyes. When I calmed, everyone was looking at me, and I could feel the hysteria building. “I am not your soulmate. I can’t say that enough. I feel nothing for you.” I spoke carefully, my heart racing.
