by Pat Barker
He got out, wrapped himself in a towel, opened the french windows into the small yard and lay down on the bed. Despite the open windows there was no decrease in stuffiness. The only way you could get a movement of air through the place was to have the french windows and the front door open. But then you let the smell of cabbage in as well.
His head was aching. He turned and looked at the photograph of Sarah by his bed. She was sitting on the bottom step of some kind of monument, younger, plump, though not fat, with her hair dressed low so that it almost covered her forehead. She was pretty, but he thought she looked more ordinary than she did now, when her cheekbones had become more prominent, and she wore her hair back from the high rounded forehead. Her smile was different too. In the photograph it looked friendly, confiding, almost puppyish. Now, though still warm, it always kept something back. She was coming to see him sometime in the next few weeks, or at least it seemed almost certain that she was. He was afraid to count on it. He was afraid to picture her in the flat, because he knew that if he did the emptiness when her imagined presence failed him would be intolerable.
What he needed was to get out. These days he tried to circumvent the nightmares by going for a long walk early in the evening and then having three very large whiskies before bed. He’d reluctantly come to the conclusion that Rivers was right: sleeping draughts stopped working after the first few weeks, and when they stopped the nightmares returned with redoubled force. At least with the walk and the whisky he could count on a few good hours before they started.
Walking the city streets on a hot evening, he seemed to feel the pavements and the blank, white terraces breathe the day’s stored heat into his face. His favourite walks were in Hyde Park. He liked the dusty gloom beneath the trees, the glint of the Serpentine in the distance. Close to, by the water’s edge, there was even the whisper of a breeze. He stopped and watched some children paddling, three little girls with their dresses tucked into their drawers, then switched his attention to two much bigger girls, who came strolling along, arm in arm, but they read the hunger in his eyes too clearly and hurried past, giggling.
He felt restless, and, for once, the restlessness had nothing to do with sex. He had a definite and very strange sensation of wanting to be somewhere, a specific place, and of not knowing what that place was. He began to stroll towards the Achilles Monument. This was a frequent objective on his evening walks, for no particular reason except that its heroic grandeur both attracted and repelled him. It seemed to embody the same unreflecting admiration of courage that he found in ‘The Charge of the Light Brigade’, a poem that had meant a great deal to him as a boy, and still did, though what it meant had become considerably more complex. He stared up at the stupendous lunging figure, with its raised sword and shield, and thought, not for the first time, that he was looking at the representation of an ideal that no longer had validity.
Feeling dissatisfied, as if he’d expected the walk to end in something more than this routine encounter with Achilles, he turned to go, and noticed a man staring at him from under the shadow of the trees. We-ell. Young men who linger in the park at dusk can expect to be stared at. Deliberately, he quickened his pace, but then the back of his neck began to prickle, and a second later he heard his name called.
Lionel Spragge came lumbering up to him, out of breath and plaintive. ‘Where are you going?’ he demanded.
‘Home.’
At that moment a gang of young people, five or six abreast, came charging along the path, arms linked, broke round Spragge like a river round a stone, and swept on. Two more boys, running to catch up, elbowed him out of the way. Under cover of this disturbance, Prior walked away.
‘Hey, hang on,’ Spragge came puffing up behind him. ‘You can’t just go walking off like that.’
‘Why not?’
Spragge tapped his watch. ‘Achilles. Nine o’clock.’
‘Well?’
Spragge looked genuinely bewildered. ‘Why make the appointment if you don’t want to talk?’
Prior was beginning to feel frightened. ‘I came out for a walk.’
‘You came to see me.’
‘Did I? I don’t think so.’
‘You know you did.’ He stared at Prior. ‘Well, if this doesn’t take the biscuit. You said, “I can’t talk now. Statue of Achilles, nine o’clock.” What’s the point of denying it? I mean what is the point?’
Spragge stank. His shirt was dirty, there was three days’ growth of stubble on his chin, he’d been drinking, his eyes were bloodshot, but the bewilderment was genuine.
Prior said, ‘Well, I’m here now anyway. What do you want?’
‘If you hadn’t turned up I’d’ve come to your house.’
‘You don’t know where I live.’
‘I do. I followed you home.’
Prior laughed. A bark of astonishment.
‘I was behind you on the platform. I sat three seats away from you on the train.’ Spragge waggled his finger at his temple. ‘You want to watch that. First step to the loony bin.’
‘Piss off.’
Spragge caught his arm. ‘Don’t you want to know what I’ve got to say?’
‘Not particularly.’
‘Yes, you do,’ Spragge said confidingly, leaning close, breathing into his face. ‘Come on. Sit down.’
They found a place. At the other end of the bench an elderly woman sat, feeding a squirrel on nuts. Prior watched the animal’s tiny black hands turning the nut delicately from side to side. ‘Make it quick, will you?’
‘I’ve remembered where I saw you.’
‘Have you?’
‘Meeting in Liverpool. You were speaking for the war, your father was speaking against.’
‘Get to the point.’
‘Oh, I know a lot about you. It’s amazing what you can find out when you try, and finding out things was my job, wasn’t it? When I had a job.’
‘You didn’t find things out,’ Prior said crisply. ‘You made them up.’
‘You and the Ropers. You were like this.’ Spragge jabbed his crossed fingers into Prior’s face. ‘Thick as thieves. And MacDowell.’
‘That’s why I got the job.’
‘Oh, yeh, chuck me out and push you in.’
‘I came a year after you left.’
‘You told me I’d got a job.’
‘No, I didn’t.’
‘Yes, you did. I went straight back home and told the wife. And then when I didn’t hear anything I went to see Lode, and he threw me out. Bloody laughed at me.’ Spragge turned his downwards-slanting turquoise eyes on Prior. ‘You were just pumping me. Trying to make out I put the old cunt up to it.’
Prior got up. ‘Wash your mouth out.’
‘I thought that’d get you. You and her, you were –’
Prior crossed his fingers. ‘Like this?’
Spragge stared at him, a vein standing out at his temple, like a worm under the clammy skin. ‘People don’t change.’
‘No, I agree, they don’t. I was a socialist then, I’m a socialist now. As far as the war goes, I don’t have to prove my patriotism to you. I didn’t offer you a job. I’m sorry if you told your wife I did, but that’s your responsibility, not mine. Now bugger off and leave me alone.’
Prior walked away. He was aware of Spragge shouting, but was too angry to hear what he said. He thought Spragge might follow him, and that if he did there would be a fight. Spragge was taller, but older and flabbier. And he didn’t care anyway. He wanted a fight. Spragge’s face floated in front of him: the slightly bulbous nose, the sheen of sweat, the enlarged pores around the nostrils, the tufts of grey hair protruding from them. He’d never experienced such intense awareness of another person’s body before, except in sex. What he felt was not simple dislike, but an intimate, obsessive, deeply physical hatred.
Back in the flat he rinsed his face in cold water and, trembling slightly, lay down on the bed. He plumped the pillows up behind him and groped in the pocket of his tunic for a c
igarette. Weren’t any. Then he remerabered he’d been wearing his greatcoat. He got up, checked the pockets and found a packet of cigars. He didn’t smoke cigars. But he must have bought them, and either smoked or offered them to somebody else, because there were two missing from the pack. Just as he must have arranged to meet Spragge. Spragge wouldn’t have lied about that. It was too blatant, too easily discounted. No, he’d made the appointment all right. God knows when, or why.
He got up from the bed, feeling the palms of his hands sticky. He went to the front door and locked it, then stood with his back to it, looking down the dark corridor to the half-open door of his bedroom, feeling a momentary relief at being locked in, though he quickly realized this was nonsense. Whatever it was he needed to be afraid of, it was on this side of the door.
ELEVEN
After a pause, Rivers asked, ‘Have there been any further episodes since then?’
‘Yes, but I don’t think any of them involved other people. I don’t think they did.’ Prior’s mouth twisted. ‘How would I know?’
‘Nobody’s said anything?’
‘No.’
‘How many?’
‘Seven.’
‘As many as that?’
Prior looked away.
‘How long do they last?’
‘Longest, three hours. Shortest… I don’t know. Twenty minutes? The long ones are frightening because you don’t know what you’ve done…’ He attempted a laugh. ‘You just know you’ve had plenty of time to do it.’
‘I don’t think you should assume you’ve done anything wrong.’
‘Don’t you? Well, if it’s so bloody good, why do I need to forget it?’
Rivers waited a while. ‘What do you think you might have done?’
‘I don’t know, do I? Nipped across to Whitechapel and ripped up a few prostitutes.’
Silence.
‘Look,’ Prior said, with the air of one attempting to engage the village idiot in rational discourse, ‘you know as well as I do that that…’ He flung himself back in his chair. ‘I’m not going to do this, I just refuse.’
Rivers waited.
Still not looking at him, Prior said, or rather chanted, ‘I have certain impulses which I do not give way to except in strict moderation and at the other person’s request. At least, in this state I don’t. I’m simply pointing out that in the the the the other state I might not be so fucking scrupulous. And don’t look at me like that.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You think this is a load of self-dramatizing rubbish, don’t you?’
Rivers said carefully, ‘I think you’ve been alone with the problem too long.’
‘There’s nothing ridiculous in anything I’ve said.’
Rivers looked at the pale, proud, wintry face and caught a sigh. ‘I certainly wouldn’t call it ridiculous.’
‘The fact is I don’t know and neither do you, so you’re in no position to pontificate.’
Silence. Rivers said, ‘How are the nightmares?’
‘Bad. Oh, I had one you’ll like. I was was walking along a path in a kind of desert and straight ahead of me was an eyeball. Not this size.’ Prior’s cheeks twitched like boiling porridge. ‘Huge. And alive. And it was directly in front of me and I knew this time it was going to get me.’ He smiled. ‘Do whatever it is eyeballs do. Fortunately, there was a river running along beside the path, so I leapt into the river and I was all right.’ He gazed straight at Rivers. ‘But then I suppose all your patients jump into fucking rivers sooner or later, don’t they?’
The antagonism was startling. They might have been back at Craiglockhart, at the beginning of Prior’s treatment. ‘How did you feel about being in the river?’
‘Fine. It sang to me, a sort of lullaby, it kept telling me I was going to be all right and I was all right – as long as I stayed in the river.’
‘You didn’t feel you wanted to get out?’
‘In the dream? No. Now, YES.’
Rivers spread his hands. ‘Your coming here is entirely voluntary.’
‘With that degree of dependency? Of course it’s not fucking voluntary.’ He started to say something else and bit it back. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be, there’s no need.’ Suddenly Rivers leant across the desk. ‘I’m not here to be liked.’
‘I am sorry,’ Prior said, his face and voice hardening. ‘I thought I was supposed to be accepting my emotions? Well, my emotion is that I’m sorry.’
‘In that case I accept your apology.’
A pause. ‘Do you know what I do when I come round from one of these spells? I look at my hands because I half expect to see them covered in hair.’
Rivers made no comment.
‘You’ve read Jekyll and Hyde?’
‘Yes.’ Rivers had been waiting for the reference. Patients who suffered from fugue states invariably referred to the dissociated state – jocularly, but not without fear – as ‘Hyde’. ‘In real life, you know, the fugue state is – well, I was going to say “never”, but, in fact, there is one case – is almost never the darker side of the personality. Usually it’s no more than a difference in mood.’
‘But we don’t know. You see, the conversation I’m trying not to have is the one where I point out that you could find out in five minutes flat and you say, “Yes, I know, but I won’t do it.”’
Silence.
‘Well?’
‘I’m sorry, I thought you said you didn’t want that conversation.’
‘You know, for somebody who isn’t here to be liked you have the most wonderful manner. You used hypnosis at Craiglockhart.’
‘Yes, but in that case we could check the memory. You see, one of the things people who believe in… the extensive use of hypnosis claim – well, they don’t even claim it, they assume it – is that memories recovered in that way are genuine memories. But they’re very often not. They can be fantasies, or they can be responses to suggestions from the therapist. Because one’s constantly making suggestions, and the ones you’re not aware of making – not conscious of – are by far the most powerful. And that’s dangerous because most therapists are interested in dissociated states and so they – unconsciously of course – encourage the patient further down that path. And one can’t avoid doing it. Even if one excludes everything else, there’s still the enlargement of the pupils of the eyes.’
Prior leant forward and peered. ‘Yours are enlarged.’
Rivers took a deep breath. ‘You can get your memory back by the same methods we used at Craiglockhart. You were very good at it.’
‘Is that why you do this?’ Prior swept his hand down across his eyes.
Rivers smiled. ‘No, of course not, it’s just a habit. Eye-strain. Now can we –’
‘No, that’s not true. If it was eye-strain, you’d do it at random and you don’t. You do it when… when something touches a nerve. Or or… It is a way of hiding your feelings. You’ve just said it yourself, the eyes are the one part you can’t turn into wallpaper – and so you cover them up.’
Rivers found this disconcerting. He tried to go on with what he’d been going to say, and realized he’d lost the train of thought. After so many hours of probing, manipulating, speculating, provoking, teasing, Prior had finally – and almost casually – succeeded. He couldn’t ignore this; it had to be dealt with. ‘I think… if as you say it isn’t random – and I don’t know because it’s not something I’m aware of – it’s probably something to do with not wanting to see the patient. For me the patient’s expressions and gestures aren’t much use, because I have no visual memory, so I think perhaps I stop myself seeing him as a way of concentrating on what he’s saying. All right? Now perhaps we can –’
‘No visual memory at all?’
‘None at all.’
‘I don’t see how you think.’
‘Well, I suspect you’re a very visual person. Could we–’
‘Have you always been like this?’
Rivers thought
, all right. He stood up and indicated to Prior that they should exchange seats. Prior looked surprised and even uneasy, but quickly recovered and sat down in Rivers’s chair with considerable aplomb. Rivers saw him look round the study, taking in his changed perspective on the room. ‘Isn’t this against the rules?’ he asked.
‘I can’t think of a single rule we’re not breaking.’
‘Can’t you?’ Prior said, smiling his delicate smile. ‘I can.’
‘I’m going to show you how boring this job is. When I was five…’
Prior shifted his position, leant forward, rested his chin on his clasped hands, and said, in meltingly empathic tones, ‘Yes? Go on.’
Rivers was not in fact breaking the rules. He intended to do no more than offer Prior an illustration from his own experience that he’d already used several times in public lectures, but he hadn’t reckoned on doing it while confronted by a caricature of himself. ‘One of the expressions of having no visual memory is that I can’t remember the interior of any building I’ve ever been in. I can’t remember this house when I’m not in it. I can’t remember Craiglockhart, though I lived there for over a year. I can’t remember St John’s, though I’ve lived there twenty years, but there is one interior I do remember and that’s a house in Brighton I lived in till I was five. I can remember part of that. The basement kitchen, the drawing-room, the dining-room, my father’s study, but I can’t remember anything at all about upstairs. And I’ve come to believe – I won’t go into the reasons – that something happened to me on the top floor that was so terrible that I simply had to forget it. And in order to ensure that I forgot I suppressed not just the one memory, but the capacity to remember things visually at all.’ Rivers paused, and waited for a response.
