by Alfa
if you make it to the door,
I will answer.
~Journey
38 Abandoned
Breaths
How do you look at the minutes
I have given you, and think you
know my years?
I am overflowing with
p a s s i o n.
I seep memories and slow dance
with opaque ghosts.
I write things that howl heartache,
when my soul is merely singing.
I burn…but I never
catch fire.
My touch is tangible,
but chances are you will
never feel me.
~Tangible
M O N S O O N
39
I am learning to embrace my tears.
What I used to look at as a nuisance,
is now a constant reminder
that I feel…
and I feel this world
and all its vastness,
personally, and painfully.
I am empathetic and caring.
I am absorbing and transparent.
I will not be ashamed for feeling
until I am full and overflowing.
My tears are necessary.
They let me know…
I’m alive
~Cleansing
40 Abandoned
Breaths
The end of us
was like coming home
from War.
I know now we were
on opposite sides,
and it was a cause
you did not believe
in fighting for.
~Battle
M O N S O O N
41
You think you dodged a bullet
by leaving me.
The truth is
you are a deserter…
who ran
from the battle of love.
~Deserter
42 Abandoned
Breaths
It happens. One day you will meet someone, and with everything in you, you will find yourself trying to warn him. Trying to spare him.
But this one is different. He does not run.
“I’m deep. Therefore, you can’t wade in the kiddie pool and expect to find me.”
Alfa
“And I’ve never wanted to drown until now.”
JmStorm
~ An ‘off the cuff’ collaboration with JmStorm
M O N S O O N
43
You left me
standing there
dancing all alone.
You walked right
off the floor…
left me twirling,
grasping for air
lips parted
tongue tied
refusing to believe
you were walking
out the door
for the last time.
Is this how you dance?
Alone?
~Leaving
44 Abandoned
Breaths
It took
time and distance
before she was able
to see herself
through calm eyes
that were no longer
clouded
by his darkness.
The onslaught
of wrenching winds
were miles away.
His monsoon would
never color her life
gray again.
~Season of the Monsoon
M O N S O O N
45
You think you were born this way…
A pile of rubbish, decaying with every touch.
You have more questions than you have ever had answers, and life has not turned out how you once imagined it would.
You think about the past, and it seems you have lost more battles then you have won.
But, you were not born with bones of defeat.
You were not singled out in the womb for despair.
Roll those shoulders back and puff out that soul.
You were carefully stitched together with breathtaking intention;
With talents and creativity in every iridescent thread.
You are a living testimony of resilience…
That you choose to rise another day, wearing full emotional armor strapped in place, and fight what comes your way…
proves that you have acquired the strength of a Warrior.
Wear your battle wounds with pride and keep on inspiring the world to never give up.
~Testimony
46 Abandoned
Breaths
I am still in love
with the possibilities
I had no choice
but to bury.
~I had a funeral
M O N S O O N
47
You might
have stayed
forever if
I had let
my heart
speak as
freely as
my spine
did.
~Tongue Tied
48 Abandoned
Breaths
I will always make room
in my heart for you.
You go away - I clean rooms,
in hopes of removing your scent.
Then you come back for an extended stay,
playing house.
You like the comfortable bed,
the soft sheets.
My pliable heart
holds your fascination
for a while.
I am your getaway,
your ‘go to’.
And as I tell myself never again,
I know in my heart,
I will always have an extra bed,
if you need a place to lay your head,
and be loved again.
~Heartbreak Hotel
M O N S O O N
49
There we stood,
both trying to put
out the fires
burning out of
control in our lives.
Somehow, we met
among the outskirts
of the carnage
and found strength
in each other…
and we began to slowly
sweep the ashes away.
~Afterglow
50 Abandoned
Breaths
No words were ever said.
It was simply a look.
A ‘knowing’ look that
let me know
he saw through my facade.
He knew that under
all the toughness,
dwelled a woman
who was soft and supple.
A woman he wanted
to touch and never let go.
~Intuitive.
M O N S O O N
51
I feel your pain, and to this day
I have to stop myself from reaching out.
It is second nature to me
to want to comfort your soul.
You want me to put my absence
into terms your heart can understand,
but how can I do that when my presence
never sated your hunger?
I wanted you…
mind, body, and soul.
Yet, you held back…stubbornly
refusing to subject me to your Hell.
And what you need to know,
is that Hell was never found
in loving you, but I have lived there
since the day you pushed me away.
~Mind, Body, Soul
52 Abandoned
Breaths
You think you are so deep and mysterious,
and that you ‘spare’ me by keeping a distance.
You drop just enough breadcrumbs to keep me on your trail, yet warn me over and over not to get too close to the Big Bad Wolf.
I find it really tiring as far as bedtime stories go.
I have
been writing your saga for years, and besides your verbal account, you possess no more demons than anyone else who has walked the earth.
It has been said the loudest and most boastful person in the room is but a fool, while the silent person contains wisdom.
I know you have been to Hell and back, and I could tell you what cubicle you rested your head in.
I know your fears as well as you do.
I have been writing your story for years… remember?
Just as you tell it. Line after line of drama and heartache.
But, let me assure you that you need not ‘spare’ me.
While you have always been a star in that deep fathomless sky, I have been the Universe of darkness that clutches and holds you in its center. I have used your bit of light to help me find my way in that massive void.
So, when you worry about subjecting me to your darkness Mr.
Wolf…
I worry if I can contain myself from swallowing you whole.
~Mr. Wolf
M O N S O O N
53
Let me try
to erase
all the mistakes
that came before me.
~They were in indelible ink.
54 Abandoned
Breaths
… and late at night
when you hit me up,
telling me you miss me,
and maybe we should
try again…
I know it is just loneliness
and familiarity.
You need instant gratification,
and you reach for your old
stand by.
I am tired of feeding your
sweet tooth, and then being
expected to encourage your
diet the next day.
~Dieting
M O N S O O N
55
I hear you knocking,
but I cannot let you in.
The last time almost killed me.
~ My Heart
56 Abandoned
Breaths
I wonder a lot since you’ve been gone.
I wonder if you are happy;
If you found someone who
‘found’ the places I could not.
I wonder if you look at her
the same way
you looked at me.
I wonder if you are telling her
the same things
you told me.
But the thing I wonder
most of all…
Do you mean them this time?
~Cut me open. I bleed memories.
M O N S O O N
57
My wish is that you will
love him so deep,
that you will be able to find
where he has hidden himself.
I know I do not have to tell
you that there is buried
treasure there.
But you are about to embark
on a search and rescue mission,
and this discovery could set
both of your hearts free.
~Search and Rescue
58 Abandoned
Breaths
The irony is,
you are expecting
closure from a person,
who would not
even give you
his presence.
~He never showed up.
M O N S O O N
59
I used to be
embarrassed
of my broken
parts.
Not anymore…
even in pieces,
I am worth having.
~Worth
60 Abandoned
Breaths
She had that look of war torn terror,
like she had just walked across
an acre of land mines and did not
expect to live.
She was twitchy when he drew near,
and this almost broke him.
He wanted to hold her
when she got like this,
but he knew if he pushed too hard,
he would most likely send her over the edge.
All he could do
was watch from a distance
until she came back
up for air…
and back to him.
~Patience would win her hand.
M O N S O O N
61
How many people
have to tell
you they love
you before you will
believe you are
worth loving?
~Why is it we only want one to say it?
62 Abandoned
Breaths
I simply
revolved
around
his life
but,
he became
mine.
~Cold hard facts.
M O N S O O N
63
…and all she longed to give away
were the fragrant seedlings
that dared to grow
in the unkempt garden of her soul.
~Garden of Eden
64 Abandoned
Breaths
He thought he had me fooled
- working me like a tool.
But the reality
was I knew
more than I should have,
and I turned a blind eye,
in hopes it would be me
in the end.
~He was magic.
M O N S O O N
65
When people would ask her
why she stayed so long,
she usually told them she had stayed
until she could not take it anymore.
It was simple, and it seemed to
satisfy their curiosity,
but the real reason she stayed
and kept trying, was because
she did not want him to feel like
she had given up on him.
She never wanted to abandon him
the way she had been left
in the past.
No matter if he deserved it…or not.
~In for the long haul
66 Abandoned
Breaths
The thing is,
Love will break you.
That is a guarantee.
Yet at the same time,
it is the only thing
that can put you
back together.
~Puzzle
M O N S O O N
67
Do you see her eyes?
They simmer with the sting
of brimstone and resignation.
She has swallowed heartache,
and birthed regret.
Yet, her heart still beats
among the wreckage.
She gave all of herself,
to the point of having
nothing left
at the end of it all.
~Resignation.
68 Abandoned
Breaths
She had no miraculous words
for the souls who thought
she had a magic pathway leading out of heartache.
She knew all too well that if you were
traveling through pain,
you would much rather
quiet the voices
that scream without fail
in your head.
She did not tell lost souls they would be okay, or that time would heal all wounds.
Instead, she held tight
to their hurting hearts
and out-stretched hands,
and tried to help pull them through.
~Getting through
M O N S O O N
69
A heart unscathed has never beat to the tune of a love song.
It is free from the memories that pulse within the brave and battered souls that have loved and lost.
As the years go by, m
emories of lyrics
woven into tendrils of windswept hair
will taunt a heartbroken warrior.
Emotions will evoke when recalling
addictive prose whispered from misleading lips.
They will be transported with the feeling
of being enveloped within arms
that knew how to hold without withholding
and how it felt to dance while standing still.
The mirage inevitably fades.
The song ends, and with the silence,
another memory surfaces.
The gut-splitting one.
The day he stopped singing your name
and as the years go by…
You will remember.
Over and over. Again.
~ Lyrical Blade
70 Abandoned
Breaths
