by Edie Claire
Nels’ eyes widened in shock. “How the—” He shook his head and cut himself off. “Never mind. Sit down, son.” He put a hand on Wolf’s shoulder and steered him to a seat at the kitchen table. They both sat down, stiffly. Nels rubbed his face in his hands again, then let out a long, frustrated sigh.
“I saw your truck parked near her house once,” Wolf answered the unspoken question. “And I saw the two of you talking at the art show. I’m not dumb.” The evidence was admittedly scant. The truck was actually parked one house down from where Bear’s favorite teacher lived, which was hardly a smoking gun. And the couple hadn’t been doing anything at the elementary school art show except talking. But Wolf figured he had an eye for these things. Whenever his dad had a thing for a woman, he started acting all chipper and giddy and weird. And then a few months later, he’d go through the crash. He’d be all mopey and glum and tired, and he would swear up and down that absolutely nothing was wrong with him. And then it would start all over again.
Wolf loved his dad more than anything. But when it came to women, the man was nuts.
“I know you’re not ‘dumb.’” Nels replied. “Far from it, Wolfie. I just don’t think my social life needs to be any concern of you and your brother, that’s all.”
“No,” Wolf agreed. “Unless…” He felt awkward. “Well, unless it’s waking me up in the middle of the night.”
Nels sighed again. “I’m sorry about that. I’m fine, son. Really. You don’t need to worry about me.”
But Wolf did worry. He didn’t understand his father at all. “So… are you still seeing Ms. French?”
His father’s eyes started to look watery again. “No,” he said softly. So softly, Wolf could barely hear him. “That’s over.”
“I see,” Wolf replied. He felt very grown-up having this conversation about women with his father. But he still didn’t “see” anything. “Why do you keep doing it, Dad?” he asked finally. “Why do you keep falling for these women, and getting yourself all wound up, when you know that every time it ends up like… well, like this?”
His father stared at him. Then, to Wolf’s surprise, he chuckled. “That’s a very good question.”
Wolf was encouraged. Maybe he could straighten the man out, after all. “I mean,” Wolf said, sitting up straighter in his chair, “I get that you want women. But why can’t you just have sex with them and let that be the end of it?”
Nels froze in place with his hands halfway between his face and the table. First he stared at his son with a flabbergasted expression. Then he rose swiftly and turned away. But before he turned away, Wolf was pretty sure he caught his dad fighting back a laugh, which did not seem at all appropriate.
“Wolfie,” Nels said, turning back a moment later with a perfectly straight face. “There is much, much more to life, and to women, than just sex. Now go to bed. It’s late.”
Wolf frowned. Just when he thought they were getting somewhere, man to man, he was being dismissed. Like he was a kid again.
He scooted his chair back with a scowl, saying nothing. He supposed he should be pleased with himself. At least his father wasn’t bawling anymore. But the victory didn’t feel good. Somehow, Wolf got the idea that he was being made fun of.
“Goodnight, son,” Nels said gently. “Thanks for getting up to check on me.”
Wolf felt better. Slightly. He nodded at his dad. “Night.” He turned and walked back to his bedroom, feeling every bit as confused as when he’d left it. His dad would always be a puzzle to him. Nels was a mechanical engineer. He was a smart guy, a really smart guy. But when it came to women, he sure acted dumb.
Chapter 23
Maui, Hawaii, 2016
“Hi, Mom,” Ri said tentatively, speaking into her laptop. “You’re sure it’s not too late to talk? You look tired.”
She watched as her mother frowned into the webcam. “I’m old. I always look this way.” Julie readjusted her own laptop so that the camera showed the back of a couch and part of a wall.
“Don’t do that,” Ri admonished. “You look fine. I just didn’t want to keep you up. I know it’s late there.”
“Are you calling me from inside a truck?”
Ri sighed. She felt ridiculous lugging her laptop outside and balancing it on her lap in the truck’s passenger seat, but she couldn’t bring herself to have an honest conversation in her room when she knew that she could be overheard from the hallway. The irony of the fact that she was having this conversation in Wolf’s truck was not lost on her, but she had his keys, and she’d earned them, so she didn’t care. She was just glad the Hilton’s wireless carried this far into the parking lot.
“Long story,” Ri replied. “But yes.”
“What’s wrong?”
Ri collected herself for a moment. There was no fooling her psychotherapist mother in a face to face — or even a couch to face — conversation. She’d given up trying a very long time ago. “When was the last time I told you I really, seriously, almost-sorta came close to planting somebody a facer?” she asked.
The picture on the monitor swung back to her mother’s head and shoulders. Julie was wearing a fuzzy robe, her hair was a fright, and her brow was furrowed. “Middle school,” she said harshly. “Why?”
“I didn’t do it,” Ri defended. “I didn’t even clench my fingers. But it wasn’t like a fantasy scenario designed to release frustration, either. I was… well… I was angry. Really angry. In fact, for about three seconds, I can’t remember ever being angrier.”
Julie said nothing. Ri didn’t look at the face in the monitor. She knew every nuance of her mother’s practiced, concerned, neutral, non-judging face. She didn’t need to see it to appreciate its being there.
“And yet,” she went on, her tone turning tongue-in-cheek, “because you screwed me up so much with all those childhood psycho-tricks, the first thing that popped into my head wasn’t ‘Hit him, it will make you feel better.’ Oh, no. The first reaction of my brain was ‘Disproportionate anger response! Identify trigger! Reframe!’”
Julie chuckled softly. “And did that work for you?”
Ri blew out a breath. “Yes and no. I got the anger under control. But that left ‘humiliation’ hanging out there all by itself. Which totally sucked. And then I got mad about that.”
“Ri, honey,” Julie said softly. “Would you like to be more specific?”
“No,” she answered shortly. “Not at the moment.” The wound was still too fresh. The details, too embarrassing. It was bad enough to be told you were only worth a casual fling. It was another level of mortification altogether to have so spectacularly misjudged where someone else was coming from. She still could not wrap her head around it.
“Well, are you happy with the way you handled it, at least?” Julie asked.
Ri thought about that, then nodded. She’d waged a heated war in her head for a while, but her better instincts had won out. She had stayed calm and given Wolf the benefit of the doubt. “There were all kinds of unflattering conclusions I could have leaped to. On both sides,” she said, clarifying her thoughts as she talked. That’s often how discussions went with her mom, whether Julie said anything or not. Ri wondered sometimes if a life-sized picture of her mother’s “concerned listening face” would have the same effect on her psyche, but the very idea of such a photo’s existence creeped her out.
“But all along, I couldn’t help thinking that something wasn’t right,” Ri finished. “And it wasn’t just that I was surprised, or that I didn’t want to hear it. There was a fundamental disconnect between what I knew to be true and what I was hearing. And when I calmed down enough to try and reframe it from another point of view, I thought maybe I could see an explanation.”
“Good work,” Julie praised.
“I think it’s coming from fear,” Ri said, becoming more convinced herself as she heard the words out loud. In truth, she was making her thought process sound far more organized than it had been at the time. When she had turned away fr
om Wolf to look out the window she’d been in such a fury of temper she hadn’t been thinking straight at all. It was only when she’d turned back to face him that the transparent look in his eyes had shocked her brain back into gear.
He was genuinely worried about her feelings. That was what was so mysterious about it all. As crass and as boorish as his proclamation had sounded, only a man with integrity — and real, honest to God compassion — would bother to say anything at all. He hadn’t wanted to mislead her. He was going out of his way not to hurt her.
She’d practically choked on her own emotion. How could she not fall for a man so unflinchingly honest and empathetic both? And how cruel was the cosmos to pair such a pure heart with such an utterly moronic view of sex? Seriously, what was wrong with the man? She had reached out for him with all the pity she would extend to a cute, fluffy kitten dragging two mangled rear legs. And she had answered his question the only way she possibly could. It was already too late for her. There was no halfway. She could and would accept no compromise.
“From fear?” Julie repeated. “Fear of what, do you think?”
Ri was lost in thought until reminded of her mother’s existence. But she considered the question rhetorical. “Well, I guess that’s what I need to figure out, isn’t it?”
“Sounds like it,” Julie agreed gently.
Ri smiled. “Thanks, Mom. Listen, I don’t want to keep you up all night. But can I ask you one more question?”
“Sure.”
“Without getting a whole psychoanalysis thing with it?”
Silence.
“Mom?”
“You know I don’t do that,” Julie argued. “What’s your question?”
Ri had been wondering idly for days, but now the issue had taken on greater importance. Figuring Wolf out would be hard enough; she should at least be confident in what she herself was feeling. “When you and Dad started dating, how long did it take before… well, at what point did you start feeling like you had a connection that could last? Did both of you see it at the same time?”
Julie’s eyes flashed with curiosity, but Ri appreciated her mother’s efforts to restrain herself. “In our case,” Julie answered, “once we started getting close, we both knew we had something special. There wasn’t any drama. We connected almost immediately and we’ve been together ever since.”
Of course… the fairy tale. Ri tried to squelch a sigh of frustration, but realized she was too late.
“But that’s just us,” Julie said sharply. “And we’re not typical. Like I say about every process in life, there is no one right way to build a relationship.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Ri said quickly, sensing another thera-speech on the way. She wasn’t up to it tonight. Her brain was tired. She needed to ponder the question some more, but she needed to do it after a good night’s sleep. And maybe after asking Maddie a similar set of questions. Maddie and Kai were definitely one of those couples that…
A fresh wave of foreboding drifted through her already roiling gut. “Oh, and Mom?” she asked, sitting up a bit. “I’m worried about Mei Lin.”
Julie’s brow furrowed. “Oh?”
Ri nodded. “Maybe I’m just imagining things, but… Well, up to now I’ve haven’t known too many engaged couples. But now that I’ve gotten to know Kai and Maddie, it’s made me think about Mei Lin and Josh, and I don’t like the contrast.”
Julie was quiet a moment. “Meaning?”
Ri scowled. “Meaning I don’t think he treats her right! It didn’t used to be that way, did it? I swear, when they were first dating, he was different. He was nicer. But doesn’t it seem like gradually, he’s gotten more self-centered? More complacent? Ever since they got engaged, it seems like it’s all about him. Sometimes he acts like he doesn’t respect her at all. He should be cherishing her. You know?”
Julie stared straight into the monitor with a frown. “Oh, I know.”
Ri’s shoulders slumped. She had been hoping that she was imagining it. But the grim look on her mother’s face left no doubt.
“I’ve already spoken to your sister,” Julie said soberly. “Several times. And so has your father. But she won’t listen to us. She thinks we’re ‘overanalyzing.’”
Ri cringed. She was no better than Mei Lin, of course. Ever since the girls hit adolescence, their mother’s professional credentials had counted against her. A normal mother, they were sure, would not point out pathology every time they crushed on a guy. Ri knew now that they had been unfairly sensitive on the issue, but old habits were hard to break.
“Maybe it would help if you talked to your sister?” Julie suggested.
“I don’t know,” Ri replied. Mei Lin would be devastated if she felt like her whole family was ganging up against her fiance. “I’ll think about it.”
“Ri?”
“Yes?”
“You want to tell me about this guy you’ve met?”
“Sorry, Mom,” Ri said with a rueful smile. “Not yet.”
Her mother offered a coy smirk. “Maybe when it’s going better?”
Ri snorted with amusement. “Yeah, that would definitely improve the conversation.”
She thanked her mother for the late-night advice, said a heartfelt good-bye, and shut down the laptop. Her mind was still racing with confusion as she locked up the truck and strode through the fog toward the hazy glow of the Hilton’s porch light. Now that she was properly dressed for the weather, the cool, moist air felt good in her lungs, and she felt an urge to clear her head with a good, brisk walk. Heading out onto the mountain in the fog would be foolish, of course, but she could at least circle the building a few times. Otherwise, she might never sleep.
She tucked the laptop under her arm and headed off, walking at as rapid a pace as she could while keeping the lights of the Hilton safely in sight. She was moving around the back corner by Kenneth’s place when a light in an unexpected location distracted her.
It was a small, linear beam. A flashlight, almost certainly, even though it was stationary. It was coming from the dog run. Ri decided to walk closer. Was there a problem with Bella? As awful as the dog’s wounds still looked, she certainly seemed to be feeling better. When they’d checked on her before dinner she was up on her feet and walking around the pen anxious to be petted, despite her broken ribs. Ri heard something and stopped walking. It was a canine sound of contentment, somewhere between a yawn and a yowl. It was followed by a low, human chuckling noise, then words in a deep, mumbling voice that she couldn’t understand.
Ri stood still a minute, absorbing a scene she still couldn’t see. Wolf had given the dog her evening medication already. It was the excuse he’d given for jumping out of the truck the second she’d driven them back from Hosmer Grove. He’d taken off into the fog and she hadn’t seen him since. So what was he still doing out here now? Was he just hanging out, keeping the dog company?
Or perhaps vice versa?
Ri returned to her original path circling the building, and Wolf’s words came back to haunt her already tortured brain. I don’t do relationships, he’d said. And he didn’t mean just on Maui. He’d meant everywhere, anywhere. Not that sex for its own sake wasn’t all well and good, but why would he choose to deprive himself of everything else that was positive and rewarding and wonderful about a healthy, loving relationship?
It made no sense. He had to be afraid of something.
She stomped around the far corner of the Hilton, then realized she was heading straight out into the fog. She gritted her teeth and changed course. Wolf had to have a reason. Whatever it was, it was misguided, obviously. He would have to understand that. But first, she would have to understand it.
“Ouch!” Her knees banged into the bumper of a parked car. She clutched the laptop closer to her chest, muttered curses under her breath, and moved on. Perhaps it was just as well Wolf had removed himself from her company tonight, because she needed some time to be mad at him. Sriha Mirini Sullivan was very particular about men. She didn’t
find prospects that excited her very often, and no man had ever struck a chord in her the way Wolf had. To have the rug jerked out from under her now was not only maddening, it was intolerable. If he seriously thought that she believed that any man she’d watched coddle a scraggly, wounded mutt — a man who showed such tenderness and quiet strength — had no capacity to have a “relationship” with a woman that was anything but “casual and temporary…”
Was he insane? Did he think she was?
Ri tripped over a curb. Desperate to preserve the valued laptop, she drew up both arms to protect it and wound up landing knees-first on the pavement. She shouted curses into the fog and scrambled up, then felt along the legs of her thin capris, where two giant holes over her kneecaps revealed tender, scratched skin.
Frickin’ fabulous.
Ri gave up her walk and headed toward the porch light. She needed a long, hot shower and a good night’s sleep.
She had work to do tomorrow.
***
Wolf awoke to a familiar, pleasantly unpleasant feeling. His face was wet. And sticky.
“Suka! Stop it!” he mumbled, rolling over and hiding his head under the damp, cold fabric.
A paw scraped his head and trapped a shock of his hair. A dog whined.
Wolf’s eyes opened. He peeked out at green grass. The air stank of dog poo.
He shook the paw off his hair and turned back over again. For a moment, he couldn’t figure out where he was. The fog had cleared overnight, and in the dim, pre-dawn glow he could just make out the sight of Bella’s scruffy long muzzle and the chain link fence surrounding them, which clued him in on his location. The rest of it took longer to fathom. Evidently, he had hauled his sleeping bag out to the dog run. Why in hell had he done that?
Oh, right.
Ri.
Wolf groaned and closed his eyes. Not that what happened with Ri last night actually explained his waking up next to a steaming pile of dog crap. Connecting all those dots would require more brain cells than he currently had functioning. But at least he knew he wasn’t sleep walking. He’d just had a rotten, miserable night.
