At my signal, Aqua began quietly chanting some magic spells. Buffs, support magic. Incantations to strengthen my body and muscle me up. I even had her raise my physical and magical defenses, although I didn’t know if I would need them.
Then she intoned a spell I didn’t recognize.
“Versatile Entertainer!”
A pale light surrounded me for a moment. Was this another buff?
“What’s that one do?”
“It makes you a better artiste,” she said.
Without a word, I gave her a smack. I ignored her tearful attempt to strangle me in return; instead, I pulled a bow from my back. My arrows were tipped with hooks, like the ones we had used so successfully against Mobile Fortress Destroyer. The ends were wrapped in cloth so they wouldn’t make a sound when I launched them onto the roof.
“Okay, here goes.”
After some discussion, the two of us had decided that I should go in alone. I was the one with Ambush and plenty of other skills suited for infiltration, like the one that let me see in the dark. Sure, this was a noble’s mansion, but I had broken into a royal castle before. This was nothing.
I wasn’t looking to hurt anyone, so I didn’t bring any gear besides my bow. And even that I would hand off to Aqua to take home after I had set my arrows in place.
“Remember the mission,” Aqua whispered. “Knock out Darkness and kidnap her!”
“Sh-should a member of the clergy really be saying that sort of thing?”
“She is right,” Megumin piped up. “Darkness being who she is, I’m sure she will be stubborn about telling us what’s going on. Feel free to be a little rough with her if you need to!”
“Why are you both so excited about this?”
As Aqua and Megumin looked on, I readied an arrow and used the Deadeye skill to launch it as close to the top of the roof as I could. My aim was true: There was a soft click as it caught on an edge. We all stood frozen for a moment, but nobody seemed to have noticed the sound.
I tied the rope to one of the bars of the iron fence, then I said to the girls, “Untie that once I get to the roof. If any guards notice this rope, they’ll know someone’s broken in. You guys go back to the mansion and wait. I’ll figure out some way to get home.”
They nodded. I gave the rope another tug to be sure it was secure.
Okay! Time to get this show on the road.
I worked my way smoothly up the rope as if I were an Army Ranger. With my usual perfectly average physical strength, it would have been a challenge, but Aqua’s strength-enhancing buffs came to my aid.
I got up on the roof, then signaled to Aqua. Down below, I saw her undo the rope. I used my Sense Foe skill to check if there was anyone around. It also helped me locate a nice empty room inside the house. I intended to use the rope still dangling from the roof to enter the room from a second-floor window, but I found the window locked.
Times like this, however, were when my modern-day knowledge came into play.
“Kindle.”
I clung to the rope with one hand, creating a flame with the other and passing it over the glass. There was no fuel around, so my MP limited the amount of fire I could make, but I produced one flame after another. Finally, the glass was hot enough…
“Freeze,” I whispered. The temperature of the glass plummeted, and it shattered with a gentle tinkling. I kept watch to see if the noise had attracted anyone’s attention, but it didn’t look like it.
The old burn-and-bust was a classic way of breaking and entering, although it usually involved a lighter and some water. I had learned about the method on the Net back when I was in my full-on fantasy-escapism phase, during which time I was interested in collecting dangerous knowledge I had no intention of using. Who knew the random trivia I’d absorbed back then would come in handy one day?
I fit some fingers into the newly made hole, then wiggled my hand, clearing the glass around the lock bit by bit. Finally I had a hole big enough to undo the latch; I popped the window open and slipped inside.
Now I was safely in. The question was how to find Darkness’s room.
Should I sneak into the hallway and check each room individually? No—even with my Ambush skill, the chance of being spotted by a guard was too high. Well, what about—?
“Did you hear something?”
“Don’t think so. I hope you were only imagining it…”
The voices were just outside the door. In a panic, I closed the curtain to conceal the broken window and swept up the shards of glass on the carpet. I could hear the key in the lock as I dove under the bed and activated Ambush.
Then I heard the door open, followed by a voice that was at once relieved and exasperated. “See, Norris? It’s nothing. You have to get over that anxious streak of yours. Well, forget it. Let’s hit the kitchen and you can make me something to eat.”
“I-I’m sorry. I was sure I heard something breaking…”
The door closed, and the men’s footsteps receded down the hall. I didn’t move a muscle. Given what they had said about eating in the kitchen, they were probably a couple of the mansion’s guards. That definitely nixed the idea of checking every room.
How about this, then? I head to the kitchen those guards mentioned; announce that the young lady, Lalatina, has asked for food; then trail them right back to her room!
Okay, there were all kinds of problems with that plan. I couldn’t let anyone see my face, and I didn’t think I was enough of a vocalist to impersonate one of those guards.
I’ll bet Aqua could pull it off, what with all her stupid party tricks…
Party tricks.
I had an idea. That one guard, his name was Norris, right? I cleared my throat.
“My name…is…Norris?” I said, trying to sound like the guard. I was astonished by how convincing my own imitation was. I sounded so much like him that it actually creeped me out a little. I had been sort of curious to try out the entertainer buff Aqua had cast on me earlier.
“O-oh no, this is bad… Yes! It’s Darkness. Definitely Darkness. No matter how you slice it, it’s Darkness!” I could even imitate her voice!
Perfect! I could make use of this! I would have to apologize to Aqua when I got home.
……
“My God, Kazuma, you’re amazing! Make love to me!”
I spent a moment having a little fun with the voices of Darkness and my other companions until, with a start, I realized I didn’t have time for this. I was in danger of losing sight of my objective. I had never wanted a tape recorder more in my life—but right now the important thing was to find my Crusader.
I decided to start with the kitchen. I crept out of the room and made sure Ambush was still active…
I tailed Norris and his friend to the kitchen. After I was sure they were gone, I went up to the door. I cleared my throat and thought of Norris’s voice. Then I gave a hurried knock on the door and started yammering:
“I’m sorry, it’s me, Norris! I forgot, the young lady asked me to bring her dinner! I have to get back to my post—please ask someone to take her food to her!”
I mentally apologized to Norris, whom I had never even met.
The voice on the other side of the door was almost wry. “Hell, Norris, you’re always so much trouble. Jumpy and forgetful! Fine, we’ll make sure she gets it. Get back to work.”
“Thank you!” I said, trying to sound as rushed as I could. “You’re the best!” Then I made a show of noisily scrambling away.
In fact, however, I ducked behind some nearby furniture and waited for the kitchen staff to come out. I had waited quite a while when I finally sensed someone emerging from the kitchen…
3
“Young Lady, I brought your dinner,” the staff member said, knocking on a door. I watched him from the shadows.
So that’s Darkness’s room. Excellent.
The guy knocked several times before the door finally opened. It looked like Darkness had already gone to sleep. She was wearing a dark-b
lue negligee, and her hair was loose. She rubbed her eyes as she poked her head out of the room.
The staff guy quickly looked away. “Erm, Norris said you’d requested something to eat.”
Darkness gave him a sleepy look. “I don’t recall doing that.”
Startled, the kitchen guy bowed his head. “I-I’m very sorry, then, ma’am. My apologies for bothering you so late!” He excused himself as quickly as he could. Darkness, still looking a bit perplexed, closed the door.
The staff member, hanging his head, walked right past where I was hiding. A little while later, confident no one else was coming, I knocked on the door of Darkness’s room.
“Young Lady, please wake up. I know how late it is, but a man named Kazuma Satou has appeared and is demanding an audience with you,” I said in Norris’s voice. A moment later, I heard movement from inside…
“I thought I told you,” came Darkness’s voice, “if anyone named Kazuma, Aqua, or Megumin comes asking for me, you are absolutely not to let them in. And in the middle of the night, for crying out loud… Oh, for…for Eris’s sake…!” It sounded like it hurt her to say this, but like she was also secretly happy.
“But, Young Lady,” I replied, still in the guard’s voice, “this Mr. Kazuma said that if we didn’t let him in, he would reveal all of Miss Lalatina’s dirty secrets to the entire Guild…”
I could hear a happy laugh at that. “Heh! He hasn’t changed,” Darkness said. Then her voice grew quieter. “Tell Kazuma he can do whatever he likes. They’ll never see me at the Adventurers Guild again anyway.”
……
“But, Young Lady, at this very moment that man is in the front hall, spreading untoward rumors among the staff. He claims that your abs have become too ripped lately, and that’s why you’ve refused protein in your meals.”
I heard a clatter.
“Also, he says that not long ago you were in an adorable dress, smiling, and he hopes we will ready such clothes for you now.”
I heard another clatter. It seemed to be the sound of something breaking. Then came Darkness’s voice, shaking violently. “Th-th-th-th-those rumors are just lies! Made up! Pure fiction! Tell the staff not to be taken in by his stories!”
…………
“Truth be told, he’s saying even worse things. May I repeat them, Young Lady?”
After a moment, Darkness said, “Let me hear it.”
I took a deep breath. “He alleges that although the young lady is a virgin, night after night her untrammeled sexual urges cause her to—”
The door flew open, and there was Darkness, cheeks burning and tears in her eyes.
Then our gazes met.
“?!!?????!??!??”
Her eyes were the size of dinner plates, her mouth working open and shut.
Got her!
4
I clapped my hand over Darkness’s mouth and pushed her backward into the room. Eyes wide, she grabbed my hand with both of hers and tried to pull me off.
“I’ve got Aqua’s strength buffs on me—you won’t get rid of me that easily!” I hissed in her ear. I used my free hand to shut and lock the door. The sound of the key in the lock caused Darkness to spasm for some reason.
I kept one hand tight over her mouth so she couldn’t cry out. With my other hand, I grabbed her right wrist, then I did a quick scan of the room. It was dark, presumably because she’d been asleep until a second ago. Only starlight, filtering in through the window, illuminated us. Was I going to have to pin her to the floor to get her to listen to me?
Then I noticed the big bed behind her. Summoning all my enhanced strength, I lifted Darkness up.
“?!”
I was pretty sure she never expected weak li’l ol’ me to pick her up with one arm. Maybe Aqua really wanted me to bring Darkness home, because her buffs today were above and beyond.
With one great bound, I shoved Darkness onto the bed. There was a gentle fwump as she sank into the mattress. I inserted myself between her legs, taking care not to get kicked.
Good. Now we can finally talk without her fighting m—?
Darkness let all the strength out of the hand that had been gripping my arm, letting it flop down onto the bed. Tears were beading at the corners of her moist eyes, and in the faint light of the stars, I could see her cheeks were flushed. Her flustered breaths trickled out between the fingers of the hand I still had clapped over her mouth.
…Whaaa…?!
Hang on, this was one dangerous situation! How about some resistance? A little more fight? What am I gonna do if you just let me have my way?!
With Aqua’s wholehearted support magic behind me, I didn’t think I would lose to Darkness in a contest of strength. But now that she was looking totally defenseless and resigned like this… Well, that caused its own problems!
In the quiet shadows, I whispered, “H-hey, Darkness, don’t get the wrong idea, okay? I know this is one hundred percent weird, but it’s just— You know. I only came here to talk to you, so don’t think I’m trying to break into your room for…any other reason, all right? H-hey! Open those eyes! Don’t act all resigned to your fate! Stop it! You’re making this way more awkward than it has to be! Stop it, I said! This is—this is all kinds of dangerous!”
Dangerous for who? Dangerous for me. If I went back and said I broke into her room so I could talk to her, but she was so hot that I just got carried away and crossed that line… I think it would be a vicious cycle of Explosion and Resurrection for as long as they could manage.
I shook Darkness violently, keeping my hand over her mouth.
“Fine, then just lie there and listen to me! I busted in here so I could ask you what the hell is going on, okay? I’m going to take my hand away now. Don’t shout or anything. I’ve only come to talk, all right?”
My pleading caused Darkness to open her eyes slightly and nod.
Phew…
For some reason, I was more nervous than I had ever been in any of our battles.
“All right, I’m letting go now. Remember, no screaming.”
Darkness nodded again. I positioned myself so I could slap my hand back down if she started to yell, then slowly pulled my hand away.
Free of my grip, Darkness turned her head to one side as if she was embarrassed.
“You think…maybe you could look away, too, Kazuma? Are we really going to have a conversation staring into each other’s eyes from this close? In this position?”
I quickly looked in the opposite direction from Darkness. “Y-yeah, sure, you’re right. S-sorry I couldn’t find us a better place to chat! But why would you leave us a letter like that anyway?”
No sooner had I let my attention slip away from Darkness than she exclaimed, “Perrrverrrt! I’m being atta— Hrmgh!”
Argh! She got me! Dammit, I can’t believe I let my guard down!
I shoved my hand back over her mouth, but it was too little, too late. I could already hear a commotion from the hallway. Somebody was coming this way, fast.
Crap, crap, crap, what am I gonna do?!
Although she was once again silenced, Darkness looked up at me with a taunting triumph in her eyes. The laughter in her expression was unmistakable.
Stupid, stupid Darkness!
“What’s the matter, Young Lady?! I’m going to open the door now!”
A key scraped in the lock…
Gaaah! How I hate that victorious look on her face! But if she thinks I’m out of ideas, she’s got another think coming…
“No, don’t! I’m not decent! I’m sorry—I was just, uh, playing, and I got so excited I couldn’t contain myself and cried out!”
When she heard my voice, Darkness’s eyes got huge. That’s right: I was impersonating her.
“Er… But I really must confirm your safety, miss. And what do you mean by ‘playing’ at this time of night anyway?”
He didn’t believe me. I didn’t blame him; he probably thought the invader had forced Darkness to say all that.
&nb
sp; “Playing! You know, as…as adults sometimes do, at night, by themselves… Don’t make me say more; it’s too embarrassing!”
“Young Lady…?!” The voice on the other side of the door choked.
At the same moment, Darkness grabbed my right hand with her free one.
“Or perhaps…,” I said, “…is checking on me just some sad excuse to see me in my least presentable state? You twisted perrrrrvert!”
Darkness, staring daggers at me while tears flew from her eyes, gripped my arm so hard she seemed ready to break it. It was enough to send my voice up an octave, at which the panicked interrogation from the hallway resumed.
“Wh-what’s going on in there?!”
Fighting against the pain, I replied, “N-nothing! I just forgot to turn off this strange magical toy! Ahhh! Oh! I’m gonna break! I’m going nuts! Any more, and I’ll—I’ll really break!”
“P-pardon me, Young Lady! I m-m-must excuse myself!”
The footsteps rushed back down the hall. Darkness’s shouting (or rather, my shouting in her voice) seemed to have attracted a small crowd, but whatever the guy said to them, I sensed them dispersing.
Somehow I withstood the pain in my arm; I looked down at Darkness, who was quaking and crying, and smirked at her.
5
Darkness started jabbing at the hand I had over her mouth. She seemed to be saying, I won’t scream again, so let me go. When I finally pulled my hand away, she let out a deep breath.
I looked at the arm Darkness had grabbed and saw a huge hand-shaped bruise. Without Aqua’s defensive buffs, it probably really would have broken.
In an exasperated tone, Darkness said, “Sheesh. You’re as awful as ever. Now look what you’ve done. Every servant in the household is going to think I’m some weirdo who— Hmm—?!”
That was as far as she got before she started shuddering.
“You’re thinking that wouldn’t be half bad, aren’t you?”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
A time like this, and she still— Sigh.
“All right, spill it,” I said. “What’s with leaving the party? Aqua and Megumin are worried sick about you, you know. You at least owe us an explanation. We’re—”
110-Million Bride Page 10
