Then she charged at me. It looked like she was bent on settling our score before she got married.
Crap, she’s really gonna murder me!
I spun on my heel and made for the window.
“You stupid, dense, obtuse—! Fine! Do whatever you want! But don’t think I’ll be there for you when you get all weepy!” I aimed a flying kick at the glass portal. “You want my help, feel free to come by the mansion and apologize! I’m so sorry for worrying you, dear, sweet Kazuma! you’ll say! Please, please help m— Grrf!”
The window glass was stronger than I’d expected, and it failed to give way under my kick. I had to body-slam it to get it to shatter, but that threw me off balance, and I went tumbling to the ground.
We were just a couple of stories up, but with no chance to break my fall, I slammed into the ground—never a pleasant experience. Darkness ran to the window and looked down at me.
“A-are you all right, dear, sweet Kazuma?! If you apologize—I’m very sorry, Lady Dustiness; please help me—we won’t begrudge you healing!”
Her shoulders were shaking. She was barely restraining her laughter. I forced my body to move, starting to climb the iron fence to escape the guards who were coming this way after the commotion.
“D-damn you, Darkness! I’ll never help you again unless you apologize to me with tears in your eyes! Argh, stay back! Create Water! Freeze!”
As I tried to get in a final parting shot at Darkness, who was watching all this with glee, I laid down a trap for my pursuers and fled for my mansion.
8
“Hrrgh-gh-gh-gh! Aqua! Aquaaaaa! Heal me! Heal me right nowwwww!”
I barely understood how I made it back to the mansion. I went up to Aqua, who was dozing on the living room sofa, her egg in her hands. Darkness hadn’t pursued me to the house, maybe because she couldn’t stand the thought of seeing Aqua or Megumin.
“…Yawn. Huh? Kazuma, you’re a mess! Were you able to see Darkness? How did you end up like that? Did you say something stupid again?” Aqua used some healing magic as she fired questions at me.
Wait… Why does she look sort of…happy to see me like this?
Our conversation woke up Megumin, who was sleeping on the sofa next to Aqua.
“Welcome back, Kazuma. Whatever happened to you? Did you say something foolish again? Were you able to convince Darkness to come home?”
Now I know how you two see me.
Aqua’s magic made my injuries better in a flash, but it couldn’t do anything about the empty feeling in my heart. Still frustrated and indignant, I headed for my room on the second floor.
“Forget about that jerk,” I said. “Unless she comes crying, ignore her! I don’t know what’s going to happen to her—and I don’t care.”
Aqua and Megumin looked at each other.
“Aww… But Darkness and I had a promise to build a little house for Zel when he hatches…” She looked down sadly at her egg.
Megumin said, “I don’t know what happened, Kazuma, but is this really the time to pout? Do you at least know why Darkness has to get married?”
I stopped on the stairway. “Debt. Her family owes a bunch of money! And if she marries Alderp, he’ll forget all about it!”
“Erk… Debt?” Megumin said. “I don’t know how much she owes, but I’ve already sent money back to my family, so I don’t have very much on me right now…” She looked into her wallet, which was stuffed with coupons and membership cards, and let out an anxious sigh.
“Well, you know what they say about a friend in need,” Aqua added. “If she really needs money that badly, I can break open my piggy bank.”
Sure, like that would help.
I didn’t know how much the Dustinesses owed, but if it was enough that Darkness had to get married to settle the debt, then it was a lot. More than Megumin and Aqua could make up with their pocket change.
I turned my back on them and resumed the trek to my room. “She’s decided what she wants to do. Leave her alone and let her do it! Either she comes back here weeping and apologizing, or I forget I ever knew her.”
“Kazuma, this isn’t the time for theatrics!” Megumin said to my back. “Darkness is going to be married off! Can you really live with that?!”
Why don’t you ask her?!
Chapter 5
God’s Blessing on This Beautiful Bride!
1
The town had been one big party for several days now. The normally stingy Lord Alderp had spread a little wealth around the city, hoping to create some excitement about his upcoming wedding. It was like he was trying to make it that much harder for anyone involved to change their minds.
The date was set and had already been announced: The ceremony was to take place in a week. I guess he really couldn’t wait. I was sure he was busy getting all hot and bothered at the thought of the day he could finally marry Darkness.
“Kazuma, I ask you again—are you sure you can live with this? Are you sure? Are you sure?!”
I was in the living room, busily working on various prototype items. Megumin was in the living room, too, busily getting in my face with questions.
I was trying to develop a new product based on blending the sap of the tar plant with extract of Slime. Mix them together and you got a sort of half-dry vinyl.
I didn’t stop working as I replied, “And I tell you again, Darkness is being too stubborn for me to do anything. We still have a whole week. If she comes crying back, I’ll do something. And if she doesn’t, I’ll let it go.”
As I spoke, I used a dropper to inject a burst of air into the vinyl-like substance. This stuff wasn’t easy to manufacture. There had to be some way to mass-produce it, but at the prototype stage, I would just have to suck it up and do it by hand.
Aqua was lounging on the sofa nearby, humming to her egg, completely ignoring Megumin and me. It was about the most annoying thing I could think of, but it was still better than having her get in the way while I tried to do delicate R&D.
For some reason, it makes me sort of angry to realize she’s actually a pretty good singer…
That was when Megumin grabbed my prototype. “Don’t waste your time with this; think of a plan! I refuse to let you do this! If you sit around until the day of the wedding arrives, let me just say I have a few ideas of my own!”
She started to squeeze my prototype.
“Hey, don’t cause a fuss, okay? You could make things worse for Darkness if you pull some dumb trick. In fact, she specifically asked me to keep you and Aqua from doing anything stupid. Come on, give that back. I’ve spent all day on it.” I held out a hand in a gimme gesture.
“What is this anyway?” Megumin asked, inspecting the thing in her hand.
“I’m trying to re-create something we had in my country. It was called Bubble Wrap. I don’t have the right materials or manufacturing processes, so it’s not exactly the same, but I’m pretty pleased with my progress.”
“What’s it for?” Megumin said.
“You crush it, and it goes pop-pop. It’s kind of a game. It makes you feel better.”
“…………That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
…………
Megumin gave my Bubble Wrap a great squeeze like she was ringing out a dishrag.
“Yaaaaah!”
“Aaaaaah?!”
Megumin let out a contented breath and tossed the ruined Bubble Wrap at me. “You’re right. I do feel better,” she said. “That was rather pleasant.” Then she pattered outside, and I slumped to my knees.
A-all that work…!
Beside me, Aqua kept singing, as though the entire commotion had just passed her by.
“Stiiir, stiiir the se-sa-me mi-so, stiiir…”
“Pipe down already!” I spat at her. I didn’t mean to, and it only made me hate myself.
……Damn it all!
There was no call to be mean to Aqua. What was I so upset about anyway?!
2
Six days unti
l Darkness’s wedding.
“A thousand pardons, but is Mr. Kazuma Satou here?” A butler in the first flush of old age was standing at the door of the mansion, where I had locked myself away.
“If you’ll excuse my asking, who are you?” I said. But then I added, “Wait… Haven’t I seen you before?”
That’s right. I know this guy. He’s a servant at Darkness’s house.
“Yes, sir, and may I say it’s a pleasure to see you again. My name is Hagen, head butler at the Dustiness household. I’ve come to beg you for your advice, Mr. Satou.”
My advice? Had Darkness finally caved? Was she going to ask me for my help?
But of course, that was too much to hope for. Hagen, head bowed, held out an envelope. “Er, truth be told, letters such as this one have been arriving at the household on a daily basis…”
“Sorry! I’m very sorry. I’ll take that idiot to task, believe me.”
“N-not at all, sir. But I’m rather concerned she may escalate this and start sending them to Lord Alderp himself, which would be no small problem. I wanted to confer with you before that happened.”
I crumpled the letter in my hand and threw myself apologetically to the ground in front of Hagen. I saw him off—apparently, this was all he’d wanted to say—and then glanced again at the letter in my hand.
To House Dustiness:
I have it on good authority that a general of the Demon King is threatening a terrorist attack against the Eris Church in Axel. The intended date of the attack is the day of the ceremony. If you do not call off the wedding immediately, this general will blow up the church. I implore you to take this warning seriously.
Signed,
A concerned mage
“Megumiiiin! I need to talk to you! Open up!” I shouted through the door of her room.
Four days until Darkness’s wedding.
“All right! For my next trick, I’m going to pull a huge Beginner’s Bane out of this tiny bag!”
“What are you talking about?! Don’t pull out a man-eating monster! What are you doing? Come here!”
I grabbed Aqua, who was standing in the middle of a crowd smack in front of the Dustiness mansion.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing, Kazuma? Let me go! I posted a quest at the Adventurers Guild to get this Bane! And just look at how many people are here for a look at my amazing tricks!”
“I told you, the family summoned me here to stop you because you were making a scene right outside their house! What are you doing out here anyway?!”
Aqua was surrounded by curious onlookers, some of them tossing her the occasional coin.
“Oh, no tips, please,” Aqua said. “I’m not a street entertainer, and I can’t accept them.” She turned back to me and whispered, “Kazuma, this is all part of my plan for getting Darkness to come out of the house!”
Wait, is she…?
“You’re doing these dumb tricks here hoping Darkness will notice you?”
“Exactly! Don’t tell me you don’t know the story of the Celestial Cave. The goddess Amaterasu hid herself away in the cave in anger, so the other gods held a big, noisy party just outside. When she came out to see what all the fuss was about, they blocked the cave so she couldn’t go back in!”
“Of course I know that story. Is partying something gods like in every world? Please tell me all goddesses aren’t like you.”
Aqua ignored my jab, gesturing at the mansion with her bag. “The curtain in that room has been rustling all day. I just know it’s Darkness, trying to sneak peeks to find out what’s going on. Heeey! Darkness, I know you can hear me! Come on out, now! Believe me, you’ll want to see the next one up close! I’m going to do my specialest, most amazing trick! …Hey, Kazuma, what are you doing? Let go!”
“I told you, they came to the mansion begging me to stop you. Come on, we’re going home!”
“Uh-uh! I’m going to be here every day until I see Darkness! Leave me alone! Get out of here! Go on, get!”
Aqua showed no interest in listening to me. By the time I had dragged her back to the house, the sun was setting.
Two days until Darkness’s wedding.
“I’m back…”
“Welcome home. You aren’t going to do anything else stupid, are you?”
Megumin walked through the front door, but then stood dumbly in the foyer. She had ignored my lecture, sent one of her little threats to Lord Alderp, and consequently spent the last several days in jail.
“Darkness’s family interceded for me and got me an early release…”
“So you set out to rescue her but ended up being rescued? That’s pathetic. I understand how you feel, but just be an adult about this, all right? You and Aqua both are just causing trouble for them at this point.”
Once again, I was trying my hand at a new product, but I took a break long enough to drive the point home with Megumin. Aqua, for her part, appeared to have gone to Darkness’s house again today. Some vendors had set up shop out front, and the place had become a minor tourist attraction.
“I admit that it seems Aqua and I can do nothing on our own. Kazuma, will you at least help us crash this wedding?”
Megumin settled on the sofa, but apparently she wasn’t done trying to convince me to get involved. After a moment, I said, “If Darkness comes and asks for help.”
That caused Megumin to jump up again. “You faithless creature! They may call you Cad-zuma and Kaz-scum-ma around town, but I still saw you as someone who came through when it counted—and especially as someone who would never abandon a friend in need!”
I was still trying to work on my new item. “Hey, tell me who calls me that. I’d like to go straighten them out.”
Megumin collapsed back on the sofa.
“At a time like this, the person I love might whine and complain at first, but he would ultimately say, Well, nothing to it but to do it and then figure something out, no matter what. That’s just the kind of person he is. He is definitely not someone who just sits and sulks forever!”
“Wh-whatever. Don’t think you can get me to help you just by suddenly being all, I love you. I’m not that soft.”
The truth was, her words had caused my heart rate to spike. To cover for myself, and to try to placate Megumin, I pointed to the object I was working on.
“Instead of getting prickly, how about you try this out?” I suggested. “This is called a sandbag. It helps get rid of stress. And this one’s real leather. It was kind of the only material that seemed suitable.”
I pointed to the stress ball, a sewn leather pouch filled with sand, big enough to sit on the floor.
The idea of a stress buster seemed to get Megumin’s attention. “How do you use it?” she asked.
“It’s simple. Just attack it. You can punch it, kick it. Magic’s off-limits, though, all right? I assume that goes without saying.” I tried to sound joking as I left off my work and went to get some nice relaxing tea…
“Nnnggrraahhhhh!”
“Huh?!”
I whipped around at the sound of Megumin’s shout, a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“Hmm. Yes, I do feel a bit relieved. If you don’t mind, could you make another one for me?”
“Why would you use a sword?! I said punch or kick it!”
Megumin was holding my katana. She stood over my stress ball, now a sandy pile of garbage, looking just a tiny bit pleased with herself.
3
I had been experimenting with new products to pass the time until Darkness showed up. I had been so sure she would.
And yet here we were: Darkness’s wedding day. We had arrived at the day of her matrimony, and Darkness had never come back to us.
“Kazuma, let’s go! Let’s go and ruin that ceremony! Heh-heh-heh! How easily a little magic can go awry and destroy a wedding hall—or a lord’s mansion!”
“Hey, stop that. Seriously. It would be bad enough if we wound up back in debt, but they’d throw you in jail for real this tim
e.” I was organizing the items I wanted to show Vanir on the table in the living area. I had been hard at work coming up with new stuff, and I was almost done.
I mean really done. I couldn’t think of one more idea. I had come up with blueprints of every possibility I could imagine for the efficient production of these items. Farming and stuff, too. I was no specialist, but I had the same basic familiarity as any Japanese person would, and I had written down everything I could think of.
The wedding ceremony was supposed to be that afternoon, but I had no intention of attending. If she wasn’t going to come ask me for help, then I sure wasn’t going to stick my neck out.
It was just stupid, stubborn pride. I knew that, and yet…
Megumin looked at me, clutching her staff with a distraught look on her face. Her voice grew harsh as she said, “The person I love is not someone who would remain so awful and unfeeling forever! Kazuma! How can you bear to know that Darkness is going to be married to that lord?! Can you abide the thought of him having his way with her?!”
“Of course I can’t!” I found myself shouting back at her.
My unexpected reaction set Megumin back on her heels.
“Of course I can’t,” I repeated. “I hate the thought of letting him take her away! He isn’t just ugly—everyone knows he’s a terrible person! You may not know it, but I’ve heard that he’ll do anything and everything to get his hands on whatever cute thing catches his eye. And when he’s tired of her, he just gives her a little bit of cash and then dumps her. He’s awful, and he does all these awful things, but for some reason no one has ever been able to prove it!”
Megumin stood there looking at the ground and sniffling as she absorbed all this.
“Sorry,” I said. “I decided to investigate this guy she was getting married to…”
When I did, I found out the guy in question was even worse than rumor told. I’m no private eye, and even I was able to dig up an endless supply of terrible stories about him. Exploitation, bribery—the list went on and on. Yet, strangely, there was never any physical proof. The women he victimized were forcibly silenced, and supposedly he had enough people in his pocket, even at the national level, to keep evidence of his deeds from ever getting out.
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