by Strand, Jeff
"I need to get Ivan back into restraints," J.P. told George. "Why don't you two myopic assholes go to the kitchen and fix yourselves a snack?"
* * *
George and Lou stood around in the kitchen, having beers and sandwiches.
"I'm sorry we're fighting werewolves again so soon," said George.
Lou shrugged. "No biggie. Sorry I missed your birthday."
"So you really don't feel any different?"
"I feel better, actually. Not Superman better. But I was in bad shape before I died, and then I woke up and I was all healed and back to normal. That's a pretty sweet deal. I died of a heart attack, right?"
"Maybe. It was hard to pinpoint the exact cause. A lot went wrong that day."
"I had a heart attack and I feel fine. They did a good job bringing me back. I hope there aren't any side effects."
"And your mind is okay?"
"Seems to be. I'm not seeing visions of Hell when I close my eyes."
"Hey, Lou," said Eugene, walking into the kitchen. "I heard you were back."
Lou looked confused, then smiled. "Oh, hey, Eugene! I didn't recognize you for a second."
"I'm way less nightmarish now, huh?" He held up his left arm. "Glad to have a fellow member of the One-Hand Club here."
"Is our secret handshake that we just bump our stumps together?"
"No. That would be gross and weird. I can't believe they actually brought you back to life. It's amazing what you can do with science or sorcery these days."
"How are you holding up?" Lou asked.
"Not too bad, not too bad. I wake up screaming five days out of seven, but that's two days a week that I don't wake up screaming, so that's a win. I hallucinate visions of my dead family pretty often. I'm not hallucinating them right now, though. I'm still pretty grotesque. Overall, though...well, we shouldn't be talking about me, I'm not the one who just came back to life. Did you see the afterlife? Was it nice?"
"It was kind of just like being asleep where you don't remember your dreams. It's not like God told me I had unfinished business on earth."
"That would be cool, though. To be on a holy mission from God."
"I'd like to think that God had other options," said George.
"Don't be blasphemous," said Eugene.
"That wasn't blasphemous against God," said George. "That was ball-busting against my friend Lou."
"We'll have to agree to disagree."
"Fair enough."
J.P. walked into the kitchen and headed straight for the refrigerator. He grabbed a can of beer, cracked it open, and took a long swig. He caught his breath, downed the rest of it, then tossed the empty can into the recycling bin.
"Can I get you another?" asked George.
"Ivan has been fully restrained," said J.P., ignoring the question. "The bodies are in the morgue."
"It sure is nutty that a compound with twenty residents has to have its own morgue."
"Shut up, George. Eugene, would you excuse us?"
"Whatever you have to say in front of us, you can say in front of Eugene," George told him.
"I disagree with that. Eugene, would you excuse us?"
"Yeah, yeah, no problem." Eugene left the kitchen.
"I know you're unhappy with me," said J.P. "You're going to be even more unhappy when I tell you that the mission is still on. And, yes, Ivan is part of it."
"That seems rather dumb."
"Despite the setback, he's still an essential part of the task."
"You think of two dead people as a setback?"
"Yes, George. Two dead people are a setback. That should be another clue about just how serious this mission truly is. Your role in it is very simple and straightforward. You will drive Ivan to the destination in New Mexico. Once you've arrived there, you will release him. He will conduct the assassination. Job done."
"You know there's no way Lou and I are going to willingly go along with this, right?"
J.P. nodded. "Yep."
"And is this the part where you explain why we have no choice?"
J.P. smiled. "It sure is."
CHAPTER NINE
The Melt
George and Lou sat in J.P.'s private office, which was no more luxurious than any other place in the compound. J.P. looked angry and stressed out, and George promised himself that he would at least try to give the guy a chance to explain himself.
"In a perfect world," said J.P. "I'd be able to convince you two of the mission's importance. But me talking about a war between humans and werewolves doesn't seem to be doing much for you, so I'm not going to bother. That brings me to the backup plan, which is going to piss you off."
"I'm ready," said George.
"Lou is almost exactly the same as he was before he died. But we did make one tiny little addition."
"I'm already pissed off," said George.
"We knew we'd need to be able to control you two. Now, the obvious solution would be to implant a bomb into Lou's brain, so he knows that, if necessary, I can use an app on my phone to make him explode. Seems like a good way to keep him from going rogue, right?"
"Right," said Lou.
"But that doesn't address the hostage issue. Lou takes somebody hostage and I can't blow him up without taking the hostage with him. That's inconvenient if the hostage is somebody I care about or, worst case scenario, if the hostage is me. So the bomb idea is out. Instead, I've got The Melt. Would you like to hear about The Melt?"
"Sure, why not?" said Lou.
"The Melt isn't too much different from a bomb in the brain. Except that instead of blowing up, your flesh, muscles, and so on all detach from your skeletal structure and from each other. Everything just sort of slides off your bones. So it's more like The Shed than The Melt, but I didn't want to call it The Shed, so it's The Melt. To recap: a light tap on a cell phone screen and Lou Flynn turns into a big pile of gore. Any questions so far?"
"No," said George. "You did a very good job explaining it."
"Thank you for the compliment. But what's the problem with The Melt? Either one of you can answer."
"The mess," said Lou.
"Oh, no, I don't care about the mess. That's part of the fun. What's another possible problem?"
"It's an extremely douchey thing to do," said George.
J.P. shook his head. "Nope. Remember, I believe I'm saving the world. Any other guesses?"
"You can just tell us," said Lou.
"Trust. I'm telling you that I can make Lou's skin and guts slide right off his body. That's like telling you I've got the Loch Ness Monster in a pond out back. Surely you'd have to be pretty gullible to believe me, right? Once I send you on your merry way, you may think to yourself, 'Gosh, it sure seems far-fetched that The Melt could actually happen. I'm going to shoot Ivan in the head with a silver bullet and abandon the mission.' I obviously don't want you to think that. But it's a challenge to prove that The Melt is real without using it. Oh, sure, I could march an innocent victim into this office, but that would be a douchey thing to do, and it wouldn't necessarily convince you both that Lou was at risk of the same fate. So what's the solution?"
"I'm actually cool without the audience participation part of this," said George. "Just tell us."
"The solution is a second implant, one that affects only a very tiny part of Lou's body, placed there specifically to prove that what I'm saying is true. From there, I have to figure out where it goes. I could make his pinky fall off, but he's already missing that other hand, and I'd like him to have full use of the one he has left. A toe? Nah. What if he needs to run? That wouldn't work at all. What to do, what to do?"
George let out a snort. "For a guy who's acting like he's trying to save the world, you've sure got a super-villain vibe happening here. I keep waiting for you to go 'Muahahahah!' If that's what you're going for, then hey, kudos to you, but you do seem evil as shit right now."
"Noted," said J.P. "May I continue?"
"Oh, by all means, do proceed."
"What
part of a man serves no real purpose? His nipple. Why do men have nipples? They don't produce milk, so they can't feed babies with them. Lou doesn't need his nipples, does he?"
"Actually, when a woman teases my nipples with her tongue it totally turns me on," said Lou. "Nothing gets me hotter. I also thought I might pierce them. I was never in favor of the idea before, but being dead made me reevaluate what's important in my life."
J.P. picked up his phone. "Lou, please remove your shirt."
"Nah, I'm good."
"I've asked you once to remove your shirt. I will not ask again. And if either of you are thinking about making a move, such as trying to take my phone, be aware that it's the app, not this particular phone. And if I have to use a different phone, I'll do the full Melt."
"You don't have to do either of them," said George. "We believe you. You've made a very convincing case. Nice work. We'll do your damn mission."
"Nope," said J.P. "I'd hoped it would be unnecessary, but you two have been antagonistic from the beginning, and I have to assume that without the proof, there will be doubt in your mind. Take off your shirt, Lou."
Lou removed his shirt, exposing a chest so hairy that wolfman jokes would have been appropriate.
"Seriously, J.P.," said George. "We trust you about The Melt. We had a terrible experience with Ivan that made it very hard for us to see your point of view, but we're fully convinced now."
"I'm glad you're so concerned about Lou's nipple," said J.P. "You're a good friend. Lou, I hope you don't have a preference, because we made the decision for you and placed the implant under your left one."
"I don't favor one nipple over the other," said Lou.
"You don't sound like you believe this is really going to happen."
"I'm not really at a point in my life where I know what to believe."
J.P. tapped the screen on his phone a few times.
"Is it going to hurt?" Lou asked.
"Yes."
"Bad?"
"Not too bad. I'd appreciate it if you could avoid screaming, if at all possible. I know that it might not be." He swirled his index finger in the air dramatically, then tapped the screen one more time. "And off we go. And off it goes."
The three of them sat in silence for a moment.
"How long is it going to take?" George asked.
"A few seconds."
Just as George was going to ask Lou if he felt anything, Lou winced. He gritted his teeth and clenched his one fist. The skin around his left nipple began to bubble, making a perfect circle around the aureole, if that's what it was called on a man—George wasn't sure. George watched in astonishment as the skin split open where it bubbled, and then the entire circle slid halfway down Lou's chest, leaving a streak of blood.
George couldn't even think of a comment. He just stared.
Lou's mouth opened and closed, but apparently he couldn't think of a comment, either.
"And that is how The Melt works," said J.P. "Let me get you a napkin or a towel so you can take the nipple away." He glanced around his desk. "Sorry, I don't have anything. If you're not squeamish, you can pluck it off yourself and throw it in the wastebasket, or I can go get something."
"You're a sick piece of shit," George informed him.
"And yet you'll be going along with my mission, and saving a ridiculously high number of lives, won't you?"
George nodded. "Yeah."
"Glad to hear it. Oooh, there's a little more blood than I expected. Obviously, we haven't tested this very much. Let me see if I can find you a Band-Aid."
"I'm fine," said Lou, who didn't sound fine. "I can get my own Band-Aid after we're done talking."
"You're the boss," said J.P. "I mean, not really. I obviously just demonstrated that I'm the boss. But you know what I mean. You can bandage up your missing nipple wound whenever you want."
"You sound gleeful," said George. "Remember, villains are the heroes of their own story, but everybody else thinks they're the bad guys."
"And one could argue that men who break thumbs for a living could be considered villains."
"They sure could. The key difference is that Lou and I aren't pretending to be saviors of humanity. We know we're pieces of shit."
"Though we're striving to be better," Lou added. "And I think we've succeeded for the most part. Our last job was forced on us against our will, just like this one is going to be."
"So you're officially accepting the mission?" J.P. asked.
Lou pointed to the bloody hole on his chest. "Well, yeah."
"Glad to hear it."
"I do think I've changed my mind about the bandage. The blood is starting to run down toward my pants and I don't know how good the laundry facilities are in this place."
"They're very good," said J.P.
"And also my nipple is right there next to my belly button, and it's starting to become disturbing to look at."
J.P. stood up. "I'll be right back." He walked out of the office.
"You okay?" George asked Lou.
"Better than when I was dead. Worse than right after I came back to life."
"I think we have to do this."
"Yeah."
"I mean, The Melt could still be bullshit, but I think he made a pretty compelling case."
"I was convinced."
"This sucks. We need a retirement plan."
J.P. walked back into the office, holding a box of bandages and a roll of paper towels. "I hope you're not planning to take me hostage." He sat behind his desk again and placed the items in front of Lou.
Lou tore off a paper towel and used it to pick up the nipple. "Is it possible to sew it back on, or should I just throw it away?"
"I'd discard it," said J.P.
"Where's the trash basket?"
"Just give it to me."
Lou gave him the paper towel-wrapped nipple, which J.P. deposited into the container next to his desk.
"Okay," said George, as Lou wiped up the trickle of blood from his chest. "My partner and I have decided to acknowledge that you currently have the upper hand. Don't make a hand joke about Lou."
"I wouldn't be able to think of one before the appropriate moment passed," said J.P.
"So we're in. We hate it but we're in. What's the plan?"
"The plan is that you get a good night's sleep and leave in the morning. You'll drive the van to the address in Santa Fe. Ivan will be secured in a cage in the back."
"Ivan got out of his cage the last time."
"And you learned from that, right?'
"Right."
"You can shoot him with the tranquilizer darts up to six hours before you arrive. After that, I need the drugs completely out of his system to make sure he's fully alert. You will release him at the designated spot. You will wait for him to return. You will drive him to a second designated spot, probably very quickly. And then our business will have concluded and you will be free to go."
"We're just turning Ivan loose?"
"No. I don't want him out there any more than you do."
"So Ivan gets The Melt?"
"Ivan will no longer be your concern at that point. You will be able to go on your way with a clear conscience."
"If you can assure us that Ivan will be a pile of werewolf sludge, then we're all in."
J.P. looked over at Lou. "All patched up?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Yes," J.P. told George, while Lou put his shirt back on. "Ivan gets The Melt. You two make poor decisions but you aren't complete idiots, so you can understand why Ivan might be more difficult to work with if he knows we're going to kill him. I'm trusting your discretion."
"We won't say a word," George told him. "I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise for him. You should have told us this sooner."
"It's very cruel to terminate somebody right after they've completed a dangerous mission. I thought you might find it mean-spirited."
"Oh, no, it sounds delightful. Ally's coming with us."
"No, she isn't. She can't
control her transformations yet. That could be problematic for you. You can't bring Eugene, either. His appearance is too memorable."
"That's fine," said George. "I want him to stay here to keep an eye on Ally. You've proven that maybe you don't have our best interests at heart."
J.P. ignored the comment. "Your location will be monitored the entire time. We'll check in frequently. If you follow the instructions, your role should be pretty easy. I expect an uneventful trip."
"Lou and I are zero for two in having uneventful trips with werewolves."
"I think it will become one for three."
"Ivan already killed two people today."
"The trip doesn't start until tomorrow. Go get some sleep."
CHAPTER TEN
Wolf in a Cage (Redux)
"Things here are way more sinister than we'd been led to believe," said George, as he sat around a table with Lou, Ally, and Eugene. They were enjoying George's legendary (here in the compound) scrambled eggs, along with perfectly cooked bacon. "I'm not saying you should try to escape. I'm just saying to make sure you have each other's backs."
"I was right about the werewolf soldier thing, wasn't I?" asked Ally.
"No. Keep doing the training. It's working. I actually agree with their decision not to let you come along, but I want you two to keep your eyes and ears open—"
"Ear," said Eugene.
"Look, I can't keep track of all the missing body parts around this place. Just let me talk. Keep alert. Everything may be hunky-dory, but be a little more vigilant than we have been up to this point."
"We won't let anything bad happen to each other," said Eugene.
"I saved you from Ivan yesterday," said Ally. "I know that I have problems when I get upset, but I think I'd be helpful to have along."
"Ivan will make you upset," said Lou.
"If nothing else, the van only has room for two people up front," said George. "Nobody should have to sit back there with our psycho passenger. I'm sure everything will be totally fine. All I'm saying is that J.P. is kind of a dick, and you should be suspicious of him."
