accompanied her to the cabin's door. He was pleased by her touch. Even though she didn't look at him and rather followed the wooden bars, he savoured her closeness. She smelled good, even though she didn't wash herself for days. Her hands were dainty and he could feel her bones. He wondered whether she was so bony from the moment he met her. She didn't look well, but it could be caused of her anxiety of being on a ship. He couldn't understand it, but he knew even soldiers who were scared in such situations.
Stepping into the cabin, Julia looked for Marcus Lucius. She didn’t have to search long. The room was quite small, and didn’t have any windows. The bed was on the opposite side. Two lamps were hanging from the walls and the entire surrounding looked impersonal, strange, unfamiliar. It was quite dark here and Julia missed the sun or even a piece of the night heaven. Octavian took away his hand as fast as he could. Then, he closed the door behind him and left Julia alone with Marcus Lucius. She stood awkwardly, insecure next to the door and tried to lean on the nearest wall like a drunkard hugs every lantern on his way home. Her face was white and her hands trembled nervously. She was afraid she could fall any moment. She was definitely scared of water.
Marcus Lucius lay on the bed, but his face wasn't covered by the ribbon anymore. He gazed at her without saying a word. As she fell to the ground, he tried to sit up and even stand up from the bed, but she reacted faster than he thought:
-No, please, don't come here. I’m feeling well. I just can't stand here. - She whispered hastily, short-breathed as if she would have ran for miles.
-Don't stay on the floor like a dog. Come here. - He answered without context. He sighed a bit, but he didn't show how painful the attempt to stand up had been for him. He stretched out his hand to her. There were just a few meters distance between them. Julia didn't react and kept laying there further pillowed by her arms.
-Look me in the eye. - He ordered. - Look me in the eye, girl.
She fought against her will, gazed at the wood over her. Finally, after Marcus Lucius repeated his words for the fourth or fifth time, she followed his order.
-Good. Now, focus.
She thought he had beautiful, brown eyes.
-Focus, focus.
As she nodded, he ordered her to crawl towards him.
-Move slowly, there is no hurry.
She thought his voice was very pleasant and soothing. Not listening to single words, but only to the melody of his sentences, she could stay on the floor for ages. She tried to stay concentrated on such thoughts just to distract her mind from thinking about what could happen to the ship. She was afraid of getting wet or splashed with water unexpectedly. The ship could sink any moment. It already wiggled, wobbled, moved. It didn't feel good. She wondered how others could rely on a piece of wood on a river. She was afraid of sinking with the ship. She used to avoid such activities as boating and swimming. If the ship sank, she would be helpless. She didn’t even have basic swimming skills. Her anxiety involved a level of fear that was far beyond her control. It made her totally uncomfortable. It was taking control over her and she wasn't able to fight against it. Therefore, she tried as much as possible to keep focussing on Marcus Lucius's voice.
-Look me in the eye. - He said and gazed at her. She wasn't sure whether she liked it or not. It was so unconventional and constrained.
She started moving in his direction, even if her body felt heavier and heavier with every centimetre. The floor wobbled and moved regularly and she waited for the ship to fall apart or at least to break. Her fingers trembled, her legs were like lead and her head pulsated quickly. She was shaken internally and out of mind.
-Come closer. Come closer. - She heard Marcus Lucius's voice and against the thoughts in her head, she followed it. As she managed to touch the edge of the bed, she was covered in sweat, her eyes weren't focussed anymore. She was buggered; quite ready and simply dead beat. Indeed, her heart beat was dashing, speeding so fast that it would jump out of her chest, if she wouldn't have had rips around it.
Marcus Lucius helped her to come into the bed and as her whole body trembled, he held her strongly by his side. He repeated “Hush, hush” as long as she needed to calm down. He stroke her hair and a part of her shoulder as long as she trembled. As she finally fell asleep after hours, he was totally tired. His movements became automatic, but he didn't stop taking care of her.
He was aware that she was a strange girl, but she was the one who took care of him. Even if he wasn't conscious for the entire time she was by his side, he saw her almost in every conscious moment during the last days. He couldn't sleep when she was washing and cleaning him, because it was a soldier's reflex to be prepared for an attack anytime. However, he pretended to be asleep, because he had no idea what to talk about to her. He couldn't be bothered to talk about his past or motives or life's goals. He ran out of steam about exchanging empty phrases or deeply meaningful sentences. He had too many topics he didn't like to share, so it was easier to pretend being asleep. He kept his eyes closed and he didn't make any polite or impolite grimaces. He simply patiently let her do her job. And she was there. She took care of him. Already for that reason, he had to protect and help her. However, he would help every person in need, because he was the kind of person acting that way. His mother didn't like this behaviour, because it wasn't “clever enough” as she often described it. She used to say with disgust that “you inherited it from your father”. In her opinion, help was only justified in case it brought advantages for both sides. Otherwise, it was just welcomed, when you were the party receiving it.
Marcus Lucius was surprised to remember this in the moment when he held a girl in his arms, who was his fake-wife. Apparently, it would be more appropriated to memorize Decima. He didn’t have enough energy to do it. Technically, he needed to feel someone by his side. Feeling the warmth of another person's body, the bodily reactions like trembling, breathing, sweating were important to him. It made him feel more alive after having held Decima's corpse in his arms. It was a nice change.
He wasn't able to memorize how it felt to hold Decima in his arms until he had this girl in his bed. Comparing her to Decima brought back good memories, even though he suffered from the thought that he could never touch Decima's body again. She didn't exist anymore. She was dead and gone.
Julia was smaller than Decima, she smelled differently, but still nice. She made an innocent impression. Possibly she didn't even realize how innocent she appeared. Her eyes, when they were focussed, looked tensed, but interesting. She used to bite her upper lip when she tried to gather her thoughts. Decima used to gesticulate a lot in such moments. She lost the balanced expression in her face, when she didn't like something. You could read her like an open book. Julia, on the opposite, was mysterious. She often quoted Homer's writings, she thought a lot, but Marcus Lucius didn’t have any clue what was on her mind. Julia's movements were careful and gentle. The whole washing procedure was more a kind of massage, because Julia manipulated more or less consciously the superficial and deeper layers of his muscles, and it helped the healing process, promoted his relaxation and supported his well-being. He owed her at least the one night, when they switched roles.
Her fingers trembled erratically. Her body was continuously tense and not easy to relax. She sweated a lot and as Marcus Lucius tried to wash her forehead with his hand. It wasn't easy, because he couldn’t move properly. As he moved her hair from her lids and forehead, he was astonished how sweet she looked, even in these circumstances. He liked her silent way of being. Decima was similar. Usually, he met women who talked like waterfalls. He stood close to them and pretended to listen to their words, but he mostly didn't understand the meaning. He didn't make an effort to follow their thoughts. They found him attractive, polite, desirable. He found them boring, the least evil.
The night was surprisingly short. Early in the morning, the ship moved stronger. Julia woke up suddenly. She looked around with fear in her eyes. She sat on the bed and would have jumped out, if Marcus Lucius hadn’t hold he
r hand strongly. Julia fell back down onto the bed. She didn't give up and tried anew, but the second attempt was unsuccessful, too. He was woken up by her first attempt to leave the bed. Actually, already her sudden movement brought him back to reality. She was like a wild animal in panic and he knew that she had to get to know her limits. Before she could try to escape for the third time, Marcus Lucius turned his head towards her and said calmly:
-We're leaving the port. I am not sure how long we'll stay on the water, so calm down.
She was still in panic.
-Look me in the eyes. - He ordered, but his voice included a special warm tone.
She followed his words and gazed at him. The surrounding started to wobble more and more. Her body trembled exponentially to the level of wobbling of the ship. She still kept starring at Marcus Lucius. She was anxious, but she didn't give up.
-Focus, Julia, focus. - He said.
She didn't get that he called her name for the very first time. Until now, he had called her Decima. Julia was sure he mixed up the
Vengeance & Remission (Introduction) Page 11
