“So that’s settled,” Mr. Jacobson says firmly. “Thank God.”
“Pop,” Jake says petulantly. “Cut it out.”
“Next week, you boys are going to be busy,” he says. He uses a stick to briskly stir the fire, which makes a shower of sparks rain down.
“Busy doing what?” Jake asks, and I can already see him bristling in the way he sits up straight.
“I’m having a load of lumber delivered so I can build that storage shed I’ve been talking about.”
“What’s that got to do with us?” Jake says.
“Who else would do the building?” Mr. Jacobson says, his voice full of snark.
“Pop,” Jake chides. “I’ll build your building.” He looks at the other two. “You guys are off the hook.” But he obviously isn’t happy about it.
“I’ll help,” Aaron says.
“Me too,” Eli chimes in. “But you’ll have to supply the beer,” he adds.
“Done,” Mr. Jacobson says.
I think I hear Jake mutter the words “manipulative bastard” but he does it so quietly that I can’t be sure.
But then Mr. Jacobson stands up, stretches, and says, “But this manipulative bastard knows how to get shit done.” Then he takes a small bow and adds, “And this manipulative bastard is taking his ass to bed.”
“Don’t go away mad,” Jake says. “Just go away.”
Mr. Jacobson shoots him the bird, but he’s grinning when he does it. As he walks by Katie, he gently scruffs the top of her head. “’Night,” she says.
After the door closes behind him, Jake says, “He’s really good at getting what he wants. I told him two weeks ago I’d build that damn shed.”
“We don’t mind,” Aaron says. “It might be fun.”
Jake stares at him like he has lost his mind. “Building anything is not fun. Not with Pop. He’ll gripe the whole time, and I’ll end up yelling at him, and Katie will be so mad at me that I won’t get any.”
“Eww,” Gabby says from the chair where she’s curled up by the fire.
I laugh. “So, you know you can avoid all that,” I say. “Just be nice to him and you’ll still get laid.”
“He makes it impossible to be nice to him,” Jake explains. “Manipulative bastard,” he says again under his breath.
The baby monitor that Katie has had tucked in her pocket goes off, and we all freeze as we hear Mr. Jacobson’s voice over the monitor. He must have gone in with the babies, who went to sleep before the sun went down. “Your daddy thinks he’s smart,” he says quietly to one of the little ones. “But he’s just a jackass who thinks he knows everything. Here. Let’s pull your covers up. No, no, don’t wake up,” he says quickly as he makes a shushing noise. “Your daddy’s hoping to get laid. If you wake up, it’ll ruin all his plans.”
“Oh, jeez,” Jake says as he buries his face in his hands and growls. “Pop!” he says to no one.
“We had better get to bed,” Katie says, and she rounds up Trixie and Alex amid mild protests. Trixie’s great big dog follows her into the house, after Sam picks her kitten up from between his humongous paws where it had been sleeping. “Good night, everybody,” Katie says.
“Somebody put the fire out,” Jake says, and he drains the last drop of his beer.
“We’ll take care of it,” Aaron volunteers.
Jake, Katie, and their brood disappear into the house, shutting the door behind them.
I look over and find that Kerry-Anne has fallen asleep in her chair. Her head is cocked at an uncomfortable-looking angle and she’s out cold.
“I’ll help you carry her to bed,” I say. “You want to get the fire?” I look up at Eli, who nods.
I push myself out of Eli’s arms and stretch, the cool night air even colder against my sweat-dampened skin. We were all still damp from the earlier soaking. Katie had handed out some towels and we all got dried off by the fire as much as possible.
I watch Eli adjust his junk as he stands up and I raise my eyebrows at him. He gives me a comical grin in return, which makes me snort.
“You guys look happy,” Aaron says quietly.
I look to Eli for confirmation. He nods but says nothing, and Aaron leaves it at that.
Eli goes to fill a bucket full of water to dump on the fire, and I pick Kerry-Anne up from the chair. I groan as I lift her because it’s a lot like lifting a wet spaghetti noodle out of the pot. She’s all over the place. “She’s heavier than she looks,” I say with a grunt.
“Their weight doubles when they go to sleep,” Aaron says, covering a yawn with his hand.
I hear the sizzle of the fire as Eli dumps a bucket of water on it, and Aaron and I start toward our cabins. Sam stays with Eli to help him get another bucket of water, just to be sure the fire is out. “You guys were looking pretty cozy back there,” Aaron says as he looks at me over the top of Miles’s head. “That’s new, huh?”
“Yeah.” It’s really new. So new that I don’t want to discuss it.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, worry clouding his features.
I smile. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. “It’s better than it’s been in a long time.”
“Why the change?”
I shake my head. “Honestly, I don’t know,” I admit. “Maybe it’s being here. Maybe it’s the scenery. Maybe it’s us. Or…” I gesture toward him. “Maybe it’s you.”
“Me?” He lays a hand on his chest. “What do I have to do with it?”
I point a finger at him. “Don’t think I don’t know,” I say with a snort. “All the reminiscing you wanted to do? You know you had a reason.”
“Did it work?” he asks, leaning toward me a little.
“Maybe.”
“Just maybe?” He makes a clucking sound with his tongue. “I’m losing my touch.”
“Thank you,” I say quietly.
“You’re welcome, you big dummy,” he says, which makes me laugh.
We walk into his cabin and he goes to change Miles who is just waking up. I take Kerry-Anne to her room and gently lay her on her bed. I slide her flip-flops from her feet and pull the covers up over her. “Mommy?” she says as she blinks her eyes open.
I sit down on the edge of her bed. “No, sweetheart, it’s just me.”
“Oh.” She looks a little let down, but then she snuggles deeper into her covers and her mouth falls open, and I know she’s asleep. “Good night, sweet girl,” I say as I brush her hair back from her face. I bend and kiss her cheek, taking in the scent of lavender shampoo and campfire smoke.
“You were meant to be a mom,” Aaron says from the doorway.
A jolt of longing hits me right in the heart. “Well, apparently not,” I say flippantly, although that hurt more than a little.
“No, Bess,” he says. “You were. You’ll see.”
My eyes start to sting, and I blink hard to push the tears back.
As I walk past him, he grabs me in a hug and he holds on tight. He doesn’t break his hold on me until Sam walks in. “’Night,” I say to her as I walk out.
I find Eli in the bathroom brushing his teeth, with Sam’s kitten circling his feet. “Tonight was fun,” he says over a mouthful of foam.
“Very.” I brush my teeth too.
“Everybody go to sleep okay?” he asks after he rinses.
“Mm-hmm. Miles was just waking up, but I’m betting he’ll go to sleep after a bottle.”
“Look at you, becoming all baby savvy,” he teases.
I turn my back to him and shuck out of my shorts and pull my t-shirt over my head. I hear his quick intake of breath. “What?” I ask from over my shoulder.
“Nothing,” he says with a smile. His eyes do a slow slide up and down my body, and I can feel his gaze as it moves.
“Can I wear one of your shirts?” I open his drawer without even waiting for an answer and riffle through it.
He says nothing, but I can hear him moving around behind me as he gets into bed.
I drag a clean t-
shirt over my head and take my bra off under it, then hang it over the bedpost. He stares at the wispy bit of fabric. “What?”
“I’ve missed having your bra hanging there,” he says simply.
“Yeah, well, now it is,” I reply. Then I turn down the covers and get into bed with him. He reaches over and turns out the bedside lamp, and darkness falls on the room. I roll into him, and I nuzzle my nose against the soft fabric of his t-shirt. “So, do you want to…” I let my voice trail off as my hand starts to snake down his stomach.
He grabs my hand. “Nuh uh,” he says with a shake of his head. He heaves out a deep sigh. “I’m not ready.” He waits a beat. “Is that okay with you?”
I rest my chin on his chest and look at his face in the darkness. I can see him clearly in the moonlight that’s coming in through the window. “What do you mean, not ready?”
“I mean I’m not ready. This feels new and great, but it’s not new and it might not be great. And I want some time to get used to it before we go any farther.”
I sit up. “So you’re really turning down sex?”
“Yep.”
I reach up and touch his forehead playfully. “Do you have a fever? Should I rush you to the hospital?”
He laughs and grabs my hand and holds it tight against his chest. “If we start this thing and then you lock the door on me again, you’re going to crush me, Bess. Absolutely crush me.” He squeezes my hand. “I love what we’re doing, but I don’t want to rush it.” He stares at me in the dark. “Okay?”
“Okay,” I say. But I can’t lie. I do feel a little let down. I lay the side of my face on his chest and wrap my arm around him.
“This is nice,” he says. “Let’s keep doing this. Always.”
He’s hard. I can see that he wants me, even through the covers. The tiny roll of his hips every few seconds gives it away. “Are you sure you don’t want to…?”
“Positive,” he says. He kisses my forehead. “Go to sleep.”
But I don’t go to sleep. Instead, I lie there and think about all the things I’ve done wrong, all the things that make him fearful about what we’re doing now, and I regret them. I regret a lot of things, but leaving him with doubts like the ones he has now are what I regret the most.
Due to my own pain, I’d locked him out, and now that I want to let him back in, he’s afraid to walk through the door. I can’t blame him. I didn’t just lock the door. I slammed it on his foot, then I did it again, and again, and I kept doing it until he wouldn’t even come near the door. That’s my fault. It’s not his.
And I deeply regret it.
35
Aaron
The next morning, I’m awake when the sun comes up. I’d like to take a walk down to the water so I can watch the sun rise over the lake, but the kids are still sleeping. Instead, I go out and sit on the porch and stare out at the tranquility that is Lake Fisher.
This place has always been my favorite place in the world. Lynda and I stopped coming up here every summer when the kids got so busy that we needed to stay home for soccer, softball, and dance classes. We kind of let life intrude, and now I wish we’d spent more time up here, giving the kids the kind of life I had when I was young.
Bess and I met here, grew up here, fell in love with people here, and made memories that will last a lifetime here. I just wish that my lifetime could last a little longer. But like I told Bess, I have to play the cards I’m dealt, rather than hate the game I already know I’m going to lose.
I’m not worried about my kids anymore. Bess and Eli will care for them. My youngest won’t even remember me, but the other two will. They’ll remember this summer and they’ll look upon their time here with me fondly. I’ll give them a summer of fun times to look back on for as long as I can.
A figure walks toward me down the lane. Gabby is startled a little when she sees me sitting on the steps. She’s an old soul in a young body, and I can tell that she will do great things with her life. Right now, she’s walking with Jake and Katie’s youngest child, letting him toddle along. She shades her eyes with her hand as she looks over at me. “Good morning,” she calls.
“What are you doing up at this hour?” I ask as she walks closer to me. She takes a seat next to me and lets Erik sit down in the grass, where he picks at the weeds.
“I heard Erik wake up, and I figured I’d let Mom sleep a little longer.” She crosses her arms over her knees and leans forward.
“That was nice of you.” I stare hard at her. She’s not a normal college kid. She’s much older inside. “Do you do that a lot?”
She shrugs. “I used to do it all the time, but I don’t get to do it as much now that I don’t live here full time.”
“How’s college?” I ask her.
“It’s good. Fun and work combined. I have an apartment off campus that I share with a friend, so that part is nice.”
“Let me guess,” I say teasingly. “You want to be a teacher.” I wait to hear her response.
“Oh, God, no,” she says with a laugh. “You couldn’t pay me enough.”
Seeing as how I’ve been paying her to take care of my kids for the past week, that confuses me. “But you’re so good at it.”
She shakes her head. “Just because I’m good at it doesn’t mean I want to do it full time. I love coming home and playing with the kids, doing crafts and stuff, but I also like leaving them when my time is up.”
“Huh,” I say as I scratch my head. “Color me surprised. With all the kids in your house, I figured you got stuck babysitting every time you come home.”
“No.” She scratches her knee. “Jake and Mom are pretty good about taking care of their own kids.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I rush to say, but she holds up a hand to stop me.
“I know what you meant.” She laughs. “Mom has always been pretty good about not making me a de facto parent.”
“Most older kids with younger siblings get stuck babysitting a lot.”
“Mom and Jake were determined that their huge family wouldn’t change my life, I guess.” She shrugs again. “You’d have to ask them what their reasons are for it, but they’ve always insisted that I be a big sister and not a mom figure.”
There’s one thing that has confused me, ever since I met her. “Alex and Trixie have the same dad as you, right?”
“Yes.”
“And Hank has a different dad.”
“Right, but they haven’t decided how to tell him about all that yet. His dad wasn’t a great guy. He stalked my mom and he died because of it, so there’s that.”
I’d heard about all that. “Trixie and Alex both call Jake Dad, but you don’t. Why is that?”
“Oh,” she says as she scratches her arm. “I was sixteen when Mom and Jake got married, so it just didn’t feel right. Trixie and Alex were younger. They don’t have as many memories of our real dad as I do. They remember him, but it’s not as deep.”
“But you remember him well?” I ask. I tread lightly, because I’ve been really thinking about this topic and I want her opinion as a child who lost a parent.
She smiles. “I remember everything. Every Christmas. Every birthday. Every ball game. Every time he came back from deployment. Every chocolate chip pancake. Every everything.”
“That’s good.” Emotion clogs my throat and I swallow it back.
“Oh,” she says softly. “You’re worried they won’t remember you.”
I try to joke about it, but it’s been eating at me like a sore that won’t heal. “It’s been on my mind.”
“Well, as a kid who lost a parent, I can assure you that they will never ever forget you. You will be with them in everything they do, even when they don’t realize it.” She lays her hand on my arm, and she looks so much like Katie that it’s startling. The baby walks up and hands her a flower. “Thank you,” she says brightly. “Can you get me another?” He walks away to go pick another flower. She turns back to face me and rests her hand on my arm again, like she
wants all my attention. “Do you worry that they’ll forget their mother?”
“Never.” Mainly because I can keep her alive for them through my own recollections. But when I’m gone…
“They won’t forget you either. My mom doesn’t think I know about them, but my dad left a series of letters before he died. Apparently, he’d seen some men killed in action the night before, so he wanted to communicate. There’s one for the day each of us gets married. I saw them in my mom’s treasure box.”
I smile at the thought. “Did you read yours?”
“Oh, no.” She shakes her head. “I’m saving it for that special day. My dad won’t be there to walk me down the aisle, but he’ll be there in my heart.” She lays her hand on her chest. “We never forget,” she says. “I can assure you of that.”
“Thank you,” I say.
“You’re welcome,” she says brightly. She holds up a single finger. “I will say that I still think about my dad when I do something I’m not supposed to do. I ask myself if he would be proud of me.” She nods. “That’s the truth.” She snorts out a laugh. “Doesn’t mean I always make great choices, but he’s with me all the time, no matter where I am.”
“That’s good to know.”
“When I get married, Jake will walk me down the aisle, and that’ll be okay, because he’s a good man who will only be standing in my father’s place, not replacing him. He knows that and I know that, and that’s what makes it okay. I bet your kids will feel similarly.”
“Actually, I want them to consider their new parents to be their parents.”
She laughs. “No, you don’t.”
“Yes,, I do.” I rush to explain, but she cuts me off.
She laughs again. “No, you don’t. That’s a nice charitable thought to have, but that’s not at the top of your wish list.”
“I want them to be happy.”
“That’s more realistic.” She grins. “Why are you up so early?”
Erik walks up and hands her another flower, which she makes a big deal over, and she sends him to get another.
“I was just watching the sunrise.” I look toward the lake.
Feels like Home (Lake Fisher Book 2) Page 19
