by A R Davis
“That is very unfortunate,” he said slowly. “He is lucky to be alive.”
“Yes.” Valerie thought it was best to move away from the subject of Damien right now. “May I ask my Lord why he is here?”
Lord Aubrey chuckled. “I was looking for you, my dear.”
“What for, my Lord?”
“I wanted to dance with you.”
If she could pull away now, she would. She would look away from the cold smile. But Lord Aubrey’s grip felt like it was becoming tighter, as though he knew her thoughts, as though he was in the middle of reading them right now and wanted to get to the end.
Valerie did her best to regain her composure. “You…flatter me, my Lord. But there are plenty of other girls who –”
“I have no interest in dancing with the other girls. As I said, I wanted to dance with you.” He released her hand to tuck one of her stray hairs behind her ear. Valerie tried not to flinch. “Tell me, my dear, have you ever been to Leola?”
Valerie was spared answering that question when Damien appeared. She nearly breathed out in relief. Lord Aubrey released her. The couples danced awkwardly around the trio, giving them dirty stares as they did so.
“Oh, hello, Mr. Caraway. We were just talking about you. I am very sorry to hear about your recent accident. Tell me, did they ever catch the fool that mistook you for an animal?”
“No,” Damien said, “it was an honest mistake.”
Lord Aubrey laughed. “Well, not to worry, sir, I am taking good care of your daughter.” He made to grab Valerie’s hand again.
“I would like to cut in,” Damien said.
Lord Aubrey was taken aback. “Your daughter said that you –”
“I’m well enough to dance.”
Valerie could not help herself; she broke into the widest smile. For a moment she forgot Lord Aubrey entirely. She reached for Damien’s hand, but before pulling him into the crowd, she remembered herself and said to Lord Aubrey, “Thank you for the dance, my Lord.” And then he was far behind them.
*
As Damien allowed himself to be led into the throng, a million thoughts raced in his head, the most prominent of them being, What on earth do I think I’m doing? They should have retreated back to the inn. They should have disappeared. But his legs were moving in her direction and he could not even begin to think of stopping them.
When they were far enough away from Lord Aubrey, hidden amidst the clusters of bodies pressing around them, Valerie turned to face him. She grabbed one of his hands and placed it on her waist, the other she held in hers. It felt like there was a bullet stuck in his throat.
Very slowly, Valerie guided him into the steps. They weren’t exactly following the rest of the dancers or the rhythm of the music, but Valerie did not seem bothered by it. Water had replaced the muscles in Damien’s legs, and he felt them tremble as he took one uncertain step after the other. He accidentally stepped on her foot and she winced but did not pull away. I can’t do this, he thought. But he kept trying because Valerie was still smiling and he would hate to be the reason for that to vanish.
Her body was so close to his; he could feel her hip undulating under his hand and his head was pounding as loud as his heart—so loud that he swore the other people around them could hear it. But Damien didn’t really care if they could. In fact, nothing much seemed to matter. All the people melted away. Lord Aubrey was long gone.
He forgot he was a monster. He felt that he could truly live in this world with her; they would get a house somewhere and maybe they would open their own shop, and why did he ever believe that she would walk away or that this wouldn’t work because she was here right now looking at him, smiling at him. Look how happy she is. I make her happy. In her eyes he could see the warm ocean of possibilities, and if he simply leaned forward he could bathe himself in her waters. He would gladly let himself drown.
All he had to do was lean forward…
Valerie gasped and pulled away. “What are you doing?” she whispered. Her frightened eyes darted around them to make sure no one was looking.
The song was over. The people around him cheered and whistled. His body felt heavy.
“Nothing,” he said quickly. “I was – it was nothing.”
She looked up at him quizzically, her right eyebrow arched as though waiting for him to say more to explain himself. Please don’t look at me like that, he thought. Please don’t look at me like I’m a stranger.
“I didn’t…m-mean to…” When did the air get so thin?
She tried to crack a smile, but he could tell she was forcing it. “Didn’t mean to what?”
“I don’t know.”
The band struck up another song. All around them, the people started to dance once more.
Damien swallowed. “Do you want to dance again?”
Valerie blushed. “I – I think I need to rest for a moment.”
Of course, Damien thought. “All right. I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going?”
He didn’t answer. He pushed through the dancers. A few of them called him an idiot. They weren’t wrong. After he reached the wine barrels, he poured himself a cup and downed it as fast as he could. Then he poured himself another and another, until his stomach was full to bursting and he felt as though he would be sick—until his mind was numb and he did not have the strength to think much about anything.
“Damien?”
He felt a little dizzy as he turned around to face her. Nothing was funny but he laughed. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, the same hand that had gently held hers.
“Can we go back now?” Valerie asked. “It’s late and I’m tired.”
Me too.
When they walked back to the inn together, the space between them was larger than before. Damien stared at the ground as he forced himself to put one foot in front of the other. He didn’t know how he managed to reach the inn without falling.
Valerie had him wait outside their door while she changed into her nightgown. She knocked to let him back in, and once he was inside, she turned her back to him and busied herself with arranging her pillows. Damien removed his gloves and fumbled with the strings of his cloak. He had somehow managed to create a knot that he could not undo.
Valerie sighed and approached him. “Here,” she said as she began to help him.
Her eyes were completely focused on the task at hand. Damien stared down at her as she did so. He had a strong impulse to reach up and hold her hands and he wondered if she would let him. Several words bubbled up to his mouth.
“There you are,” Valerie said. She got on her tiptoes, and at first he thought she was reaching up to kiss him, but she merely pushed his hood back. Stupid, he thought. Then she took the cloak off his shoulders and went to hang it on the peg in the wall.
Damien sat on his bed and leaned up against the headboard. Valerie was about to go to hers when he patted the space beside him. “Do you want to sit for a moment?”
She hesitated. Her cheeks reddened again. “OK.”
She sat beside him gingerly, as though she was afraid of breaking something. Damien moved over a little so she could have more room. Though her arm, leg, and hip touched his, Damien still felt like she was too far away. He resisted the urge to pull her closer and keep her there.
The silence was overbearing and his head was foggy. He had to say something.
“You, uh…You looked very nice tonight,” Damien said. “I thought I would let you know.”
Valerie twisted her hair around her finger. “Thank you. You, um, you danced well. It was very nice.”
Damien laughed. “It was. Better than I thought it would be, anyway.” He folded his fingers together. “I was having a lot of thoughts, actually.”
“About what?”
Damien shook his head. If I told you, you would think I’m disgusting. “I don’t want anything to change between us,” he said softly.
Valerie searched his face. He wondered what she
found. “Neither do I. I don’t understand why you think they would.”
The words were bubbling up again. The beginnings of a confession. They were on the tip of his tongue, staining his lips.
“I don’t know,” he said and forced himself to smile. “I guess I was worried.”
“Well you don’t have to be,” Valerie said and mirrored his smile. “I value our friendship too much.”
Friendship. How could such a harmless word hurt so much? “Me too.”
“I’m going to get some sleep. Unless there was something else you wanted to talk about…”
She stared up at him expectantly.
Damien took in a breath.
“No. I’m fine. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
She left his bed and returned to hers, laying on her side with her back to him. After several minutes, Damien tucked himself in and tried to get some sleep, but his stomach was cramped as though he had eaten something foul. He just laid there with his eyes wide open. He wished he had told her to stay there with him. If only he was brave enough.
He did not know how much time passed, but eventually he heard her move. She quickly crept across the room and tucked herself in beside him. Through her back, he felt her nervous heartbeats. And there was something else there, hidden in the sound.
Fear.
It was the same fear he was having now. What would happen next? Where would they go from here? He was so very tired of these questions and even more exhausted by the fact that he had no answers.
At some point, he heard her breathing slow into the steady rhythm of sleep. As quietly as he could, he rolled over and placed his arm around her. He pulled her toward him. He reached for her hand. You are the only good thing I have left, he thought.
I love you.
Please forgive me.
There were brisk footsteps in the hall. His ear moved toward the sound, but he fought to stay asleep. Morning light was streaming into the room. Damien could feel the heat pressing against his eyelids. He did not want to let go. Not yet.
Someone was speaking. It was a voice he thought he recognized.
“…told him I didn’t want any trouble! I knew I shouldn’t have let him stay here.”
“My good woman, he isn’t in any trouble. I simply want to have a chat with him. That’s all.”
“Well forgive me, my Lord, but when you bring your men in here to accompany you, I hardly think that you’re stopping by for a mere chat!”
“My men are a precaution.”
“For what?”
The question went unanswered.
There was a knock at the door.
“Mr. Caraway?”
Damien’s eyes flew open.
“I know he’s in there. I didn’t see him leave yet. You always notice what those sorts are up to. Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have let him stay here. I knew I shouldn’t have!”
“Mr. Caraway? Are you in there?”
Valerie stirred beside him. “What’s going on?” she mumbled.
Damien quickly released her and sat up. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.” He put on his boots, gloves, and his cloak. He double checked to make sure his entire form was covered before answering the door.
The smile of the golden mask was the first thing he saw.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Caraway,” Lord Aubrey said.
Chapter 24
“What do you want?” Damien said more harshly than he intended. The two guardsmen flanking Lord Aubrey stared reproachfully at him while the old crone stood in the background and peered over Lord Aubrey’s shoulder in a way that made it look like she was attempting to sniff out trouble. Damien used his body and the door to block their view of Valerie and prayed that she was still asleep.
“I didn’t call them here, Mr. Caraway!” The old woman piped up. “I told you I didn’t want any trouble.”
“Madam,” Lord Aubrey said and slowly turned his gaze upon her. “You’re business is finished here. Thank you for your time.”
“But, m’Lord –”
“Thank you. You may go.”
The old woman was fraught with indecision for a moment—torn between wanting to protect her business and wanting to put her nose in theirs. It wasn’t until Lord Aubrey impatiently waved her off that she finally scurried away, glancing behind her as she made her way back down the hall.
“Now,” Lord Aubrey said, turning his attention back to Damien. He clapped his hands in front of him. “Forgive me. I did not know which room was yours.”
But you knew I was here, Damien thought.
“I was wondering if you would like to join me for lunch.”
Damien’s eyes were focused on the guardsmen, particularly at the rifles holstered on their backs. He spoke slowly, “V – Ms. Caraway is asleep.”
“Of course. No doubt from all the excitement of last night.” Lord Aubrey laughed as though he had made a witty joke. “But I was rather hoping to speak to you alone.”
“Why?”
“You shall address my master as My Lord,” said the guardsman to Lord Aubrey’s right.
Lord Aubrey waved him off. “It’s all right. He’s probably never had a chance to speak to a Lord. Have you?”
“Not very many,” Damien said.
“So you will be forgiven in that regard. Now, about lunch –”
“You haven’t answered my question.”
Lord Aubrey worked his jaw as though he was biting back the words he really wanted to speak. “I thought it rude that I danced with your daughter before making myself acquainted with you.”
Damien took a deliberate step back into the room. “That’s hardly necessary. Thank you, but I –” He attempted to close the door, but Lord Aubrey slapped his hand against it.
“I insist.” Lord Aubrey showed his clenched teeth when he smiled.
Damien felt his nerves twist tightly into a knot. He had his doubts, but he knew he could not refuse. It would make things worse than they already were.
What was he going to tell Valerie?
“Well?” Lord Aubrey asked expectantly.
What choice do I have? “Just let me tell her where I’m going,” Damien said. With a great struggle, he softly closed the door. He so very badly wanted to slam it on that golden face.
He stood by the door with a strong churning in his gut. Across from him was Valerie, still sleeping soundly. He so wished he could join her again.
This may be the last time, he thought as he slowly crossed the room. His mind was aflutter with all sorts of maddening thoughts. It felt like frightened birds were taking flight in his head. If this was to be the last time, then what would happen to her? All he knew was that he could not let Lord Aubrey take her. He knelt beside the bed and reluctantly roused her.
“Valerie,” he whispered.
She shifted and slowly opened her eyes. Her lips parted slightly as though she was about to say something. Then she rolled on her back and stretched. “What time is it?”
“Early,” Damien lied. He swallowed before continuing; he was not entirely sure what he was about to say. The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I’m going out to, uh, get us a map so we can make plans for where to go next. Maybe I’ll also stop by and pick up some more supplies. It shouldn’t take me long.”
He was glad his face was covered. He was certain that his expression would betray him.
“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked.
“No, no. I’ll be all right. You get your rest.” The confession nearly burned a hole in his chest. “I’ll be back before you know it.” He sounded more determined than he felt. But some part of him deigned this was true: he would do whatever it took to come back here. He would not abandon her.
And if it came to it, he would end Lord Aubrey.
“OK.” Her eyes were already closing.
Damien swallowed again. I’m not brave enough. “Listen…If I’m not back –”
She rolled over.
Damien stood
up and stared down at her. He wanted to rest his hand against her back and feel her heart beat one last time, but he did not allow himself the luxury.
With that, he left the room. Lord Aubrey was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He uncrossed them when Damien stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him.
“Are you ready to go?” Lord Aubrey asked with his false smile plastered across the good half of his face.
“I suppose so,” Damien said.
Lord Aubrey led the way while Damien walked between the two guardsmen. On their way out of the inn, the old woman watched them out of the corner of her eye as she pretended to sweep. She muttered something under her breath. You were right, Damien thought, you should not have let me stay.
The guardsmen gave people another reason to stare at Damien. Women whispered to each other, children pointed, and a few men swapped coin as they made bets as to what was going on. Believe me, I wish I knew, Damien thought as he followed Lord Aubrey down the road. Damien had a vision of Lord Aubrey leading him into an alley and ordering his men to shoot him.
“I hope you don’t mind us returning to that quaint little pub where we first met?” Lord Aubrey announced. “Due to all the noise, we may be afforded some privacy.”
Privacy, yet still in the public eye. That did little to ease Damien’s suspicions. Did Lord Aubrey plan to expose him at some point? That would certainly make it harder for Damien to escape.
“Tell me, Mr. Caraway, is this your first time in Merrion?” Lord Aubrey asked over his shoulder.
“Yes.”
“The old woman at the front desk told me otherwise.”
Of course she did. “The old woman at the front desk is confusing me with someone else. She’s been saying that since I arrived.”
“Why do you suppose that is?”
“Is this some sort of interrogation? I thought we were going to lunch.”
Lord Aubrey laughed. “No need to be so defensive, Mr. Caraway. I was merely being curious.”
The Golden Apple was just as crowded as the day before. Even in the early hours of the afternoon, men were drunkenly stumbling around, looking as though they were lost. The man at the piano was gone, replaced by a man playing a violin in the corner. The sweet sounds of the strings clashed with the wild nature of the patrons. Unlike before, none of them seemed to pay any mind to Damien or Lord Aubrey. They went about their business obliviously.
