“Need a second.”
Jillian nodded as she continued to stroke my face with her fingers. Lightly at first, but then the pressure increased enough to make me relax. Why was she not running for the hills right now? She didn’t say anything as my breathing gradually began to return to normal as did my heart rate, and suddenly I felt like I might be alright.
When I dared to look up at Jillian again, she had such compassion written all over her face. What had I done to deserve any of this? “Thank you,” I stuttered.
She gave a slight nod. “You don’t have to thank me, but you’re welcome. Are you sure that you don’t want to go home?” She tilted her head, then added, “We can leave if it will make you feel better. Watch a movie unless you want to be alone.” She removed her hands from her face, and I instantly missed her touch. I wanted it back. I wanted to feel Jillian’s hands all over my body. Her lips too, the more I thought about it. How it would sound if she moaned my name. And now, I was fucking hard again.
“I think I’ll be alright as long as you’re with me.” The words escaped my lips before I could stop them.
Jillian searched my face. “You’re just full of surprises, Hutch Kelly, aren’t you?” She sank her teeth into her bottom lip. “What do you want to do first? Ride the carousel? Throw darts at balloons or take a spin on the roller coaster? Please tell me you’re not afraid of heights because I need to go on the Ferris wheel before this night is over.” She grabbed my hands as she tried to pull me onto my feet.
“Everything,” I assured her as I stood up now that I felt more like myself. “Twice.” I let her lead me toward the closest ride which happened to be the swings.
Jillian laughed lightly. “Don’t tempt me, giant man, because I might hold you to it!” she teased.
As long as I got to spend time with her, I didn’t care what we did. If she wanted to ride the roller coaster all night long...I would do it.
Chapter Four
Jillian
After riding almost every single ride with me, I now watched as Hutch devoured his second candy apple of the night, wondering when his panic attacks started. I had only known him for a short time, but that was the second time he’d had one around me, and the second time I had talked him down. He was a mystery; that was for sure. Jo tried to pump me for information about him the night after the beach party, but one, I didn’t have any, and two, I wouldn’t have told her if I did. It was simply none of her business.
“You’re really going to the carnival with Hutch?” Jo asked as we got ready together tonight. “I thought you and Knox were a thing.” She pushed a little further.
Anger flashed through me. “Knox and I are over.”
“What? Since when?”
I shook my head. “I think he fucked Madison Rae while I was gone. I don’t know; something is going on between the two of them, but neither will tell me. At the beach the other night, I saw them eye-fucking one another when they thought I wasn’t looking, but believe me, I was looking.” I chewed on my lip. “What has Pat ever told you about Hutch?” I watched the way my sister’s eyes narrowed.
She shook her head. “Not much. I mean, he went away one summer to camp, and when he came back?” She shrugged. “He was the way he is now. Quiet, shy, the mute.” She used quotes around the nickname Knox had used, which I despised. “Shit, you like him,” Jo declared, staring at me.
I blushed as I tried to duck my head. “I don’t, not like that.” However, that was a lie because I thought he was nice, but more than that, there was something there that I knew I could find if Hutch opened up just a little more. “Do me a favor, Jo?” I looked back up at my sister. “Please don’t call him ‘the mute’ around me. It’s not very nice.” It was mean, actually, and the more I got to know him, I realized that wasn’t who he was at all.
“You really like those, huh?” I asked, pointing at the apple in his hand.
Hutch stopped to look at me for a second. “I like sweets.” His ears turned pink before he started eating again.
“Are you having fun tonight?” I watched the way his tongue licked the melted caramel off the apple, and I wondered what else he could do with it.
He nodded, only to raise his eyes to meet mine. “It’s not about me.” His lips turned up into a slight smile before he looked away again.
It was official. Hutch Kelly was the sweetest man to walk the planet.
“One more ride,” I reminded him as I glanced up at the Ferris wheel as it stopped to let on more passengers. There was something about that ride that I loved the most. Maybe it was the fact that you got to go up in the air and look at the stars. It seemed so romantic to me for some reason. Two people cuddled up together without anyone else to bother them.
“Let’s go.” Hutch wiped off his hands with the napkin he had been provided before he stood up.
It was getting late now. Most of the younger kids had left with their parents so the place was now full of couples as it seemed. We waited in line behind one pair that couldn’t seem to keep their hands off one another. I side-eyed Hutch who kept his own eyes pinned to his feet. Again, I wondered what had happened to him to make him the way he was. Was it some sort of PTSD? An accident, maybe?
I nudged his arm so that he had to look at me. “Awkward,” I mouthed, and he broke into a smile that I had never seen before. Heat curled inside my belly as the concession staff seated us inside the ride, closed the door, and made sure the bar was locked in place against our thighs.
Hutch’s leg was pressed against mine inside the tiny car, his hip and broad shoulder even closer, and when I dared look at him again, his back was straighter than an arrow. He looked like he wanted be anywhere than here at this moment. It wasn’t until I saw how tightly he was gripping the bar in front of us that I wondered if he might be having another panic attack. Without a word, I placed my hand over his and felt him relax.
When the ride began to move, Hutch let out a slow, easy breath. “You’re good, Jills.” His voice was raspy as he spoke. “If this ballet thing doesn’t work out for you, you might consider psychiatry,” he teased. Sometimes he surprised me when he said stuff like that. I wondered what he was like before. Before he changed into the man he was now.
“Jills,” I repeated the name he had called me several times tonight. His ears turned pink with embarrassment. “I like it.” I assured him so he didn’t think that I was making fun of him. I never wanted Hutch to think I was making fun of him. Not ever.
Hutch took his free hand and placed it over mine so that it was now sandwiched between his as our car stopped at the top of the ride. “Sometimes”—he looked up into the clear blue night—“I like to stare up into the sky while I’m home just to look up at the stars. It helps me to relax and sleep when nothing else does.” He squeezed my hand lightly. God, when he spoke to me like no one was around, it made me feel so giddy and free.
I turned my gaze up to where he was looking. “It’s beautiful,” I confessed, taking in the beauty of the stars tinkling in the sky.
“Not the most beautiful.”
When I turned to him again, he was watching me with a look I couldn’t quite decipher, and I thought my heart might burst from my chest. His eyes were dark, his face smooth, and for a brief second, I thought he might actually kiss me, but then the ride began to move again. Jesus Christ, what was happening right now? I continued to watch Hutch as the ride slowly descended downward, only to stop again. Neither one of us said anything as we continued to stare at one another. I could get lost in those eyes, I wondered.
“Jillian.” His deep, throaty voice made my pulse quicken. “We need to get off. The ride is over.”
I giggled nervously as Hutch loosened his grip on my hands, but helped me get out of the car safely, then quickly released me the moment I stepped onto the ground. I looked up at him to find him with his eyes angrily narrowed and glaring at something in front us. I turned to find Knox and Madison watching us with amused looks on their faces. I fucking knew it!
<
br /> “I had a feeling that this is why you broke it off with me, but now, I know for sure,” Knox seethed at me. He swung his arm casually over Madison’s shoulder. “I was trying to figure out if this was an actual date or not, you know, since I saw you two holding hands before you climbed out from the ride, but I’m not sure.” The look on his face was so ugly I couldn’t even stand to look at him. Knox was easily the biggest catch at school with his blond hair, blue eyes, and those dimples that he used to make girls drop their panties for him, but right now, he was doing nothing for me. Those dimples never worked on me, which I’m sure pissed him off.
Madison giggled. “Right? I mean, Jill is dressed as if she might be on one, but Hutch? He’s wearing some ratty old shirt and jeans. My guess would be no.” She pushed her blonde hair behind her shoulder.
“Fuck off,” Hutch grunted, and I knew in that instant I was about to lose him again just like that day on the beach. He was quick to embarrass and just as easily angered. He had already stepped a few inches away from me.
I started to reach for Hutch’s hand, but he took another step away. It was enough to make me feel like he slapped me even though he didn’t touch me. I noticed the smug look on Knox’s face when I looked his way again. “What’s wrong with you?” I questioned. “Why are you two being so mean right now?”
“I’m not being mean, Jill; I’m just trying to make Hutch realize that this, whatever the heck it is, isn’t going to happen. Despite this crazy crush he has on you. You’re here”—he raised his hand up above his head—“while Hutch is down here.” He dropped his hand back down. “It’s actually kind of cute, sure, but think about it. You are going to go off to New York in a couple of months, and Hutch will still be here just like he will be, years later. You’ll meet some rich banker, pop out some kids, and Hutch will still be here by himself, living over his parents’ garage like the fucking loser that that he is.”
Knox wasn’t being funny; he was being downright cruel. I turned toward Hutch only to find he had turned his back to us with his shoulders dropped forward. “Jesus Christ, Knox,” I hissed. “You are such an asshole. I can’t believe I ever dated you.” I pointed my finger at him. “Now, just go!” I cried before I moved toward Hutch, despising to the way Knox and Madison laughed as they walked away.
“Hey.” I was afraid to touch Hutch because I wasn’t sure if he would freak out on me or not. When his head moved at the sound of my voice, I inched closer.
“He’s right,” Hutch mumbled. “About me still being here years from now.”
“Hutch, don’t listen to him.”
“Jillian, think about it.”
I stared at him when he fully turned around. “That’s crazy talk,” I tried to insist, but I saw it in his eyes. He believed everything Knox had said. “What happened—?”
“Don’t.” He shook his head, cutting me off. “That’s not something I’m going to talk about with you. You should go home.” He started walking past me toward the exit of the carnival.
I had to hurry to catch up with him as he ran from me. Did Hutch even tell anyone about what happened to make him like this? He easily maneuvered around the small crowds that were still in the park, and as he rushed down the sidewalk, I wanted to scream at him to wait for me. That I liked him the way he was, and that Knox could go straight to hell, but I knew, deep down, that Hutch wasn’t going to listen to me. He had already made up his mind. I followed him all the way home before he noticed me.
“What?” he snapped at me.
“I didn’t...I couldn’t let it end like this.”
Hutch stared at me before he shook his head. “There is no it, Jillian. I did you a favor. It’s done. Now leave me alone.” He started up the grass and then the steps to his apartment while I watched. He stopped when he realized I was still there. “Go home.”
Hot tears filled my eyes. “Why are you being like this to me now? I wasn’t the one that was mean to you, that was Knox. I thought we were friends.” My throat felt tight all of a sudden.
Hutch stared at me from the top of the stairs. “We’re not friends, Jillian. We can’t be friends. Don’t you understand that? We’re too different. You don’t belong in my world, and I certainly don’t belong in yours.” He began to unlock the front door to his apartment. When I started up the steps, I thought maybe, when he pushed open the door, he might see that I was upset and hurting. “Go home, Jills. Knox is right,” Hutch shouted, and I couldn’t help but notice the look on his face. He actually believed the words he was saying.
“Hutch—” He didn’t even let me finish. Instead, he slammed the door, and I heard the click of the lock behind it. I stood there, hurt and angry, as tears streamed down my face, unsure of what had just happened. It just felt like Hutch had punched me right in the stomach.
Once I was able to finally move my feet, I managed to walk down the steps, down the driveway, and to my house. I was thankful that my mother was in bed, but wondered if maybe Jo was awake. It was possible she was still out with Pat at his place or sleeping, but I felt soothed when I knocked softly on her door and heard her call out, “Come in.”
When I stepped into her room, she was lying on her bed, dressed in red pajama shorts and a matching t-shirt, her face buried in ancient copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. “Yes, I’m reading it again, but you know...what happened?” She turned to look at me and tossed the book onto the bed. “Did he try something or hurt you?” Jo jumped to her feet.
I shook my head as fresh tears began to pour from my eyes. “No, he...Knox was there. He was really horrible, and I think Hutch was more embarrassed than anything.” I sniffed.
“Thanks,” I said as my sister handed me a tissue. I dabbed at my nose before I went on, “I wish I knew what caused Hutch to act the way he does, Joey, because sometimes?” I nibbled on my bottom lip. “Sometimes he says things, does things that confuses me, you know?” I sat down on the edge of her bed.
Jo’s brows dipped. “No, I don’t, because you haven’t told me.” She touched my arm in an act of comfort and flashed a tender smile. “Want me to sleep in your room tonight.” She flashed a smile. “You know, like when we were kids.” I nodded, hating the thought of being alone. “Great, let me grab my phone and I’ll be right there.”
I watched as my sister gathered her phone, a pillow, and then we moved to my room where we talked, laughed, and stayed up until midnight. I told her about what happened with Hutch, along with the run-in with Knox and Madison, while she talked about Patrick and their future plans. I always knew she planned to marry him, but she wanted to at least graduate college first. By the time we both fell asleep around three in the morning, I felt a little better, although my ego was still bruised.
Chapter Five
Hutch
If I wasn’t the worst person on the entire planet, I was pretty damn close. I never should have said those terrible things to Jillian. Those were my insecurities, not hers. In addition, it wasn’t her fault that Knox was the biggest asshole I had ever met, yet I couldn’t stop the word vomit that slipped from my mouth, and when I saw the tears on her cheeks? It was too late to take the verbal lashing back. It made me hate myself more than I already did.
I didn’t sleep much after Jillian left. On Sunday, I walked around, feeling as if I was trapped in my own personal hell, and reminisced what it felt like sitting next to her on the Ferris wheel. How she watched me eating the candy apple with lust in her eyes. How she had been so close to me, her hand sandwiched between mine, and how the moon seemed to sparkle on her skin. She was so sweet, pure, and if she knew me, really knew me, why I was the way I was...It only took Knox to remind me that Jillian had her entire future laid out to pull the rug out from underneath any thoughts I had of a relationship with her.
It still didn’t stop me from my picking my cell up every damn five minutes to text her how sorry I was, only to delete the message before I hit send.
Patrick stopped by in the afternoon, trying to get me to talk to
him, but he should have known better. I let him into my place and watched as he took off his shoes before he moved to sit down on the sofa.
“Don’t ask,” I warned, leaning against the wall. “It’s done.” I waved my hand at him, trying to push his thoughts away.
Pat rolled his eyes. “You sure about that? I saw how you were with her at the beach. Both times. I think you like Jillian more than you’re letting on. What happened?” He brought his right foot up to his left knee.
I raised one brow. “You already know.” I looked up at the ceiling before I dragged my eyes back down to look at my brother. “What’d she say?” God, I hated how weak my voice sounded.
Pat shook his head. “Sorry, Hutch, I’m not playing that game.” He clucked his tongue. “You want me to punch Knox in the mouth for you? Because I would love to have a go at that dude. I never really liked that guy. He sort of weaseled his way into our group of friends.”
“I can do that.”
“I dare you.”
We bullshitted a little more, but Pat never brought up Jillian’s name again. We talked about things like college, how he and Jo wanted to get their own place, how they were talking about setting a wedding date, and I told him I was happy for him. It wasn’t a lie. Even thought we were opposites in every single way, I loved my brother. I knew he wanted the best for me, and I did for him. When he left, my heart hurt more than I wanted to admit to the point that I drank myself into an early slumber and was in bed before eight o’clock, knowing that I was going to kick myself when my alarm went off for work the next morning. Normally I wasn’t a heavy drinker, but I figured it was the only way I could get Jillian off my mind. It worked, but I knew it would come at a price.
***
I literally dragged myself to work. I was an early riser when it came to getting to my job on time. I liked my morning schedule— rise up early, workout, shower, dress, and have a cup of coffee before hitting my workplace. I preferred to get there early, plan my schedule, and make sure I had plenty of time to get things done. I wasn’t the kind of guy who walked in with seconds to spare. Today, everything felt off, and Zed knew it the moment I walked into the building, scowling at the world.
Out of the Dark Page 4
