I hadn’t been back here in four years. That was, of course, my own doing. I had fallen for a man I had no right falling for, and then I had up and left him without saying goodbye. I never spoke of him to Jo, and the one time she dared mention his name, I told her if she did again it again, I would disown her. I’m sure Hutch hated me, although I didn’t hate him, but I couldn’t blame the guy after what I did to him. I told him I loved him, told him we could make our relationship work, and then disappeared without telling him why.
I was an asshole of the biggest kind.
Just as I began to scroll through my phone looking for the Uber app, I heard a soft cough, and glanced up. Standing in front of me was the one person I had hoped not to see for at least a day or two. He had his arms folded across his massive chest, his biceps looking bigger than ever, his blond hair styled to perfection, and his dark brown eyes narrowed into angry slits. The scowl on his face was one I hadn’t seen in years, but he had every right to direct it toward me. After all, I had broken his heart when I promised him that I wouldn’t.
“Hutch, what are you doing here?”
“Let’s go, Jillian.”
What the hell? “Why would you be here for me?” I gripped the handle of my suitcase as he reached for it. “Jo was supposed to pick me up.” Why did I sound so lame right now?
A growl escaped his chest. “Because she has some dumb idea that we’re going to get back together, which”—Hutch ripped the handle from my hand—“is never going to fucking happen because I hate you with every fiber of my being.” He sounded so angry, so dark, that I wondered if I had sent him back to where he had been before I had known him. Back to when he was so mad at the world, he wouldn’t even look at anyone. “Let’s fucking go, or I’ll leave your ass here, which honestly, is what you deserve,” Hutch warned.
I had to run to keep up with him. His legs were a powerhouse of muscles as he strode out the sliding doors to where a truck was parked. He whipped open the passenger door so he could shove my suitcase behind the seat. “Get in,” he grunted, “or you’re walking.”
I had never seen Hutch this angry before. Not even when Knox taunted him at the carnival or when I came to see him unannounced at the shop. I climbed up into the truck, making sure to hook my seatbelt into place when I shut the door behind me. I glanced over at Hutch to find him white-knuckling the steering wheel and glaring at the windshield like it told him his mother was a whore.
“Don’t say a word,” he hissed between clenched teeth.
“I wasn’t going to.”
“Don’t stare at me like that either.”
I had hoped for more time to prepare for this. Not that I had any idea what I would tell Hutch when the time came because he would never understand. I had never wanted to hurt him. I loved him, I still did, but what I did was wrong, and he didn’t deserve to be hurt that way.
“You...you...fuck.” Hutch slammed his fist against the steering wheel. “I shouldn’t have picked you up.” He shook his head as he looked over at me. “This was a fucking bad idea.” His nostrils flared. “I should drop you back off, and you can call a taxi.” He started to slow down, but then seemed to change his mind. “Someone might hurt you. It’s late and dark outside,” he argued with himself. I reached my hand out to touch his arm, but Hutch pulled away. “Don’t you fucking dare, Jills,” he seethed.
The nickname caused my hair to stand up on my neck, and I pulled my legs up to my chest to curl up into a ball. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I choked back a sob. I pressed my face into my knees and tried to make it all disappear.
I shouldn’t have come. I should have stayed away longer. I pinched my eyes together, wishing I could go back in time and change everything. To not leave Hutch the way I did. To never leave him, but I didn’t have a Tardis, and I wasn’t the Doctor.
***
When I awoke again, Hutch had pulled his truck in front of my parents’ house. Funny how I thought it might look different, but it was still the same slate gray with white shutters. The chairs looked new on the wraparound porch, the grass freshly mowed, but that was the only thing that looked different to me. I started to reach for the handle of the door, but the lock went down, and I turned to find Hutch watching me with questions in his eyes.
“Why?” His voice cracked. “Just tell me why you left without saying goodbye. I’ve wracked my brain for four damn years, Jills, but I can’t figure it out. What did I do wrong? Or what didn’t I do? I loved you so damn much. I thought you loved me, and I thought maybe—”
I couldn’t do this now. “Don’t make me do this now, Hutch.” Tears burned my eyes as I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see Jo bouncing down the steps toward us.
Hutch sighed. “I deserve an answer.”
I managed to unlock the door before Jo got there and nearly fell out of the truck, trying to get away from Hutch. “Thanks,” I hissed at my sister as I hurled my suitcase from behind the seat.
“What?” Jo batted her lashes at me innocently.
Hutch managed to get out of the truck, grab my suitcase, and carry up the walkway before I even took a breath, leaving me staring after him. He placed it on the porch and sat down on one of the chairs, like he did it every night. Maybe he did. I never asked about him to keep him as far away from my heart as possible.
“Hutch.” Jo hugged him as I got closer, and I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the ground. Was this the same guy? Who was this imposter? “Thanks for picking Jill up tonight. You’re the best,” she gushed before she turned to wink at me.
“You didn’t tell me you cut your hair.” She pointed out at me, running her fingers through her own long dark hair.
I shrugged. “It’s easier to handle.” I had cut it only a couple of weeks ago after I decided I needed a change. It now hung right above my shoulders now.
Hutch stood up. “I should go.” He glanced at me again, but didn’t say anything. Then he walked back to his truck and drove away without another word.
“Thanks a lot, Jo.” I started to open the door.
“I have to warn you about him.”
I stopped and turned around. “He hates me. I got that already.” Something told me Jo was talking about something else, something bigger.
Jo dragged her teeth across her bottom lip. “I wish that was the only thing, Jill, it’s much worse than that.” She sighed. “So...it got really bad when you left. I mean, really fucking bad. Hutch talked about killing himself, spent a little time at the Ocean View Institution, you know the one they call ‘rehab’?” She used air quotes around rehab.
“Jesus Christ.”
“Let me finish.” Jo held up her hand. “He met someone.”
I think my heart stopped when those words left my sister’s mouth. “Like seriously met someone or just fucked around with said someone?” I felt like I might faint. I knew I should have eaten something on the plane. “I...I need to sit down.” I closed the front door to move back onto the porch and eased myself into the chair Hutch had just vacated.
Jo twisted her hands together. “I think at first it was more about sex. Just to have a warm body next to him at night because he missed you so much.” She squatted down in front of me. “It’s Madison.”
“What?” I shot up so fast Jo fell onto her ass. “Madison? Fucking Madison? Hutch is with Madison Rae?”
“He knocked her up, Jill, he felt like it was the right thing to do.”
I really was going to be sick now. I sat back, feeling fresh tears fall. I deserved this. I deserved all of this because I left him without saying goodbye. I was evil incarnate, and now Hutch had a baby with someone else. “I hate it here.” I closed my eyes as Jo wrapped her arms around me.
“They aren’t married or anything, hell, I’m not even sure that they live together.” I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn’t working.
I choked back a sob. “Madison is a terrible person, Jo. The things she said about Hutch were so awful. She doesn’t dese
rve someone so pure.” I wanted to hit something. Madison being that something, but I knew that wouldn’t solve my problems. “He proposed? Wait, no, don’t tell me. Wait, tell me. No.” I shook my head. “Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” I did, but I couldn’t handle that right now. Learning Hutch had slept with my enemy and had created a child with her was bad enough.
“Sweetie.” Jo pulled back and smoothed the hair around my face as she forced me to meet her eyes. “She’s going to be super pissed you’re here.” A smile pulled at her lips at that admission.
My eyes went wide. “You didn’t tell her?” You’re cruel.” I wiped the tears from my face and pulled away from Jo. “Why is this so hard?” I felt empty inside just like I had for the past four years.
“Because you broke the heart of the man you loved?”
“Thanks, bitch.”
Jo sighed. “You need to fix this, you know that, right?” She reached down to squeeze my hand. “Despite what you did, despite the time that has gone by, Hutch still loves you. That’s why I made him pick you up.”
“Which reminds me,” I pointed a finger at my sister, “you hugged him. I didn’t see him flinch or push you away or anything. What’s that about?” I tilted my head.
“Nope.” Jo popped the p extra hard. “You don’t get to ask me anything about his private life unless I feel like talking about it. I told you as much of the tea that I felt like spilling.” She dropped my hand as she fake-yawned and covered her mouth. “So sleepy now. I think I should go to bed. See you in the morning?” She gave me a wicked grin.
I nodded before I grabbed my suitcase to follow her into the house. Nothing had changed inside the place either. The kitchen table still had the chairs we all had sat in for breakfast and dinner with the extras stacked in the corner of the kitchen. The bright yellow walls looked like they had been updated, the curtains freshly washed and pressed. As I moved through the hall, I noticed the living room sofa I knew was gone, having been replaced with some hideous faux suede sectional. It was bigger than what was there before, but it fit perfectly even if it was ugly as all hell.
“Mom’s been redecorating.” Jo caught me looking and shrugged when I turned to face her. “I think it’s an empty nester thing,” she added.
The stairs still creaked when I stepped on them, but my mother had always been a heavy sleeper so I didn’t worry I would wake her. I flipped on the light of my old room, but wasn’t prepared for the loneliness that hit me when I stepped inside. The bunkbeds were gone, replaced by a large bed that was now covered in what I figured were brand-new white sheets and comforters, but everything else was still the same. Pink walls covered with ballet posters, photos of me with my friends, and...shit. I moved over to the window seat to pull the last photo I had stuck there before I left, removing a chunk of paint with it.
Hutch stared back at me with a lopsided grin and his arm was around my shoulders. It was taken the night we had gone to the beach with Jo and Pat. His eyes were glossy from all the alcohol, but he looked so happy, the way I always liked to remember him. My hair was a mess, my bun falling apart, and I had that summer tan I always seemed to get every year growing up here.
I was so in love with him.
I jumped at the knock on my window and immediately dropped the photo onto the floor when I saw Hutch crouched on the roof watching me. He made a motion for me to let me in, and as I stepped forward to unlock it, I wondered why he was here and not with Madison. “What?” I hissed as I pushed up the screen to watch him climb inside my room.
“I need answers, bean, this can’t wait.” He shoved the window down so hard I waited for the glass to shatter into pieces. Hutch looked around the room with wide eyes. “Christ, this place hasn’t changed, has it?” he muttered before his browns landed back on me.
I shook my head. “No, forget it, leave.” I pointed back to where he had just came from.
“What the hell!” I exclaimed when he slammed me back against the wall and stared at up at him, wide eyed.
Hutch’s nostrils flared as he popped his jaw. “Don’t fucking test me, Jillian, because you won’t like me when I get angry,” he seethed.
“Okay, Bruce Banner.”
“Why? Why did you fucking leave without saying goodbye?” he asked that question again, the one I had been dreading for four damn years.
Chapter Eighteen
Hutch
I stared down at Jillian, waiting for her to answer me. To give me anything that would make some damn sense about why she ruined my life four years ago. Her green eyes filled with tears and her mouth parted, but then I watched her face crumble. Even though it hurt me to see her cry, I wasn’t going to break down. I planted both my hands on either side of her body against the wall to cage her in and waited.
“Shouldn’t you be with your child?” Her voice shook. “With your girlfriend?” Jillian raised her chin. “What does it matter why I left, Hutch? You have more important things to worry about now.” She ducked under my arm.
I spun around. “What? You expected me to wait for you to come back here? What if that was never?” I watched as Jillian lifted her suitcase up onto a chair and unzipped it. “I should be alone forever?”
“You slept with the devil.”
“I fail to understand how that is your concern.”
Jillian started yanking clothes out, tossing them onto the floor until she found what she was looking for and then pulled her shirt off. What was she doing? Getting naked now? The shirt hit the floor with everything else, but then she grabbed another one from the suitcase and pulled it on. It fell to her knees as she spun around to face me, tugging her shorts off and removing those next. “I want you to leave,” she said again.
Without even caring, I let my eyes roam over Jillian’s body. She was thinner than I remembered, but I suppose dancing full time would do that to you. Her legs were still toned, but the shirt she had on covered the rest of her body. Speaking of that shirt.
“That’s mine,” I insisted. “You took that.” I knew I sounded childish as hell.
Jillian rolled her eyes. “Sue me. At least I didn’t breed with Satan.” She started toward the bed to pull back the covers before she climbed in.
“I want it back.”
“Not happening.”
Why was Jillian acting like this? She used to be nice. She was sweet. She was...turning off the light and now it was dark. “What the fuck, Jills,” I growled as the room went black.
“I’m tired, Hutch, and I’m not doing this now,” she whispered. “I’m sure you can find your way out the same way you came in. Please leave.”
I stood there and let my eyes adjust to the dark, knowing I should leave. I had Madison to worry about, our daughter, Hazel, and Patrick’s wedding. I shouldn’t be here, in my ex-girlfriend’s room, who was currently wearing nothing but my t-shirt and a pair of panties. Without even thinking about it, I strode across the room to her bed, ripped back the covers and climbed into the bed.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Shut up.”
Jillian stared at me, and with the moonlight that filled the room, I could see her green eyes filled with fear. I realized that’s what I was doing to her. Scaring her. I didn’t want Jillian to be afraid of me because that’s not what this was about. It was about getting answers, finding out what happened, and maybe, just maybe, getting the closure I so desperately needed in my life.
I stretched out onto my back. “I didn’t mean that.” I sighed and tucked my arms behind my head.
“Are you seriously going to just lie in my bed?” Jillian moved onto her side, but I could feel her watching me. I wondered if she still felt the same way she did just a few years ago.
I grunted, which wasn’t really an answer of any sort. I had dreamed of this moment for years. What I would do or say and what might happen, but now that Jillian was actually here? I didn’t want to let her go again.
I could feel her gaze boring into me. “You’r
e not staying here,” she whispered. “I told you before, Hutch, and I’m going to say it again, you need to leave before...what the hell!” she exclaimed as I flipped her onto her back in a flash.
“You think you know me, baby?” I smirked. I moved so that my body now flanked Jillian’s, my hard muscles against hers, and her legs dropped open. “You don’t know shit.” I ran my nose down her cheek, toward her ear, and licked my lips before I spoke again. “You’re going to have to tell me one way or another, Jills, so why not now? Save us both the trouble of making me fucking wait any longer.” I knew she felt my tongue against her skin because she trembled beneath me.
“Hutch.” Her breath came out in a hoarse whisper. “Don’t.”
What the fuck was I doing? I leaped from the bed, gripping my hair, and when Jillian turned on the light, I spun back around. “Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” I stared down into her frightened eyes. “You know I would never hurt you, right? I’m just...just so fucked up over you,” I admitted.
Jillian patted the bed, and I didn’t have to think twice about climbing back in with her. “I can leave the light on,” she offered.
“It’s okay,” I assured her, and when the room plunged back into darkness, I reached for her hand even though I knew it was wrong, expecting her to fight me, but she didn’t. I stared up at the ceiling, at the colored glow in the dark stars that were still stuck there, and listened to the sound of my own heart and felt the tears that burned my eyes. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Jillian was supposed to be my forever; only now, we were acting like two people who hated one another. My stomach clenched at the thought, because as much as I tried? I could never hate her.
Jillian took a shaky breath, causing me to turn my head toward her. “I missed you, Hutch.” Her sweet, soft voice caused an ache in my heart that I thought I had buried. “I know that’s not what you wanted me to say or what you wanted to hear, but it’s all I can tell you right now.” A tear slipped from her eye, and I reached up to catch it with my finger. “I know you’re with Madison now, and I can respect that. Maybe.”
Out of the Dark Page 13
