“You’re a much better woman than she’ll ever be.” Pat casually wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Oh, I forgot to tell you that Dad said you could stop by the apartment anytime. Dad had the key changed so he’s going to bring a spare by for you.”
I had offered to help Hutch and Pat’s parents clean up the apartment so that when he was ready to come home, it wouldn’t be such a disaster.
“Why would he change the locks?” I turned to look at him. “Is there something that you’re keeping from me?” I folded my arms over my chest. “Spill it, Patrick.”
“Shit.” He pulled his arm back to rake his hand through his hair in a move so similar to his brother, it creeped me out. “Madison served Hutch with divorce papers,” he admitted.
“That conniving bitch.”
“Pretty much what my mom said.”
I jumped up, ready to march down to Hutch’s room whether he wanted to see me or not, but Pat gabbed my elbow. “Don’t, Jill.” His brows dipped, and I watched the way his face fell. “He’s not...he’s not in a good place. I’ve never seen him like this before, and he hardly even looks at me or my parents when we walk in the room.” His chin quivered as he spoke.
I wrapped my arms around Patrick to pull him into a hug. “That’s why I should be in there. I can help him, Pat, he needs me.” I swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall.
“Hutch is not the same Hutch. He’s mean, he’s angry, and he lashes out at everyone. The nurses, the doctors, and every one that steps into that room is a target.” Pat stepped back. “I know that if he said something to you now? He’d regret it weeks from now when his meds start working again.”
I chewed on my lip. “When he asks for me, you’ll tell me, right?”
“Of course,” Pat assured me.
Only I didn’t hear from anyone asking me to come visit Hutch. Not even when he went to the Depression and Anxiety Center two hours away from Ocean View. Brent Kelly did stop by one afternoon to drop off the key for the apartment, and when I asked him about Hutch, he simply shook his head and told me that not much had changed since the day I found him. He was still angry at the world, and would probably be at the center longer than they had planned. He thanked me for my help and for teaching Hazel, as well as for bringing her home after classes on Monday evenings, but didn’t give me any other chance to ask about Hutch before he rushed away.
My heart was broken. I felt like I let Hutch down, and could have saved him if I had just talked to him that morning when he had said he needed someone, but instead I had pushed him away. I knew it wasn’t my fault, but I still felt tremendously guilty. It took me a few days to work up the nerve to go to Hutch’s apartment, and when I did, I cried for a good fifteen minutes in the kitchen, wondering just what he was thinking when he thought he had to leave everyone behind. I dropped to the floor, sobbing and screaming, wishing that he’d talk to me or reach out, but I knew he wasn’t ready for that yet. When I was done, I washed my face with a cold paper towel and began my clean up.
First, I cleaned up all the empty pizza boxes, beer bottles, and cans. Then I took all the dirty clothes, put them in the washing machine, and turned that on so Hutch would have clean clothes when he returned home. I got rid of all the garbage, the spoiled food in the fridge, and cleaned the counters, tables, and then vacuumed the entire apartment. By the time I was done, I was exhausted, but I thought I had done a good job. The clothes were folded, put away, and both beds were made. I hoped that Hutch would be proud of me.
Chapter Thirty
Jillian
Eight weeks went by, and I still hadn’t heard anything from Hutch asking me to come see him. I had stopped asking Pat if he had asked for me, how he was doing because I figured Hutch didn’t care about me anymore. It hurt, wondering what I had done to him other than care, but I knew he had demons that he had never showed or told me about. It still didn’t stop me from thinking about him first thing in the morning, and the last thing before I went to bed.
Summer was a busy time for me with classes so I was happy that I didn’t have a lot of free time. I was at the ballet studio from six in the morning until nearly ten at night most days, and dragging myself home to eat, sleep, and repeat again the next day. Wednesday was the only day I didn’t have night classes, and I took the time to catch up on paperwork and anything else I hadn’t had the chance to work on. I was busy stuffing my face with dinner when I heard the front door open around seven o’clock that night and cursed myself for forgetting to lock the door.
“Sorry, we’re closed.” I didn’t even look up from my laptop as I scrolled through my schedule, didn’t even hear the footsteps that moved across the floor, or notice the beautiful man leaning against the doorframe of my office.
“Even for me, Jilly?”
My eyes shot up, my sandwiched dropped onto the desk, and I stared up into the face of Hutch Kelly. His blond hair was longer than I had ever seen it, but it looked good like that. Messy from the wind we had all day today. Hutch was dressed in a plain white shirt that looked too small stretched across his broad chest, and I noticed the way his muscled biceps flexed against the fabric. Clearly, someone had been working out over the last few weeks. His warm chocolate browns begged me to forgive him while his lush red lips were set in a firm line. I let my eyes move away from his face, down his chest, and over his toned thighs, before I realized I had egg salad all over the place.
“Shit,” I muttered, jumping up to grab some napkins to clean myself up.
“Jillian.” Hutch’s voice dripped with sadness, which brought my attention back to him. “I’m sorry.” He took a small step into my office. “Stop.” He grabbed my hands as I continued to make a bigger mess of myself. “I couldn’t let you see me like that, and I never meant for you to find me.” His fingers traced my wrists, over my pulse, and then he squatted down to look me straight in the eyes. “Tell me I’m not too late. That you don’t hate me for pushing you away like that. My head was not where it needed to be, and I didn’t know how to tell you.” Hutch released my hands to cup my face with his big hands. “I love you, Jills, I never stopped loving you, and I need you to know that.”
I opened my mouth as tears began to leak from my eyes. “I could never hate you,” I assured him. My hands came up to grip his wrists. “I should have—”
“No.” Hutch shook his head. “This is not on you. Don’t even say that.” He moved to grip the nape of my neck with one of his hands. “None of it was your fault, do you understand?” When I nodded, he tucked a finger under my chin. “No tears, bean,” Hutch whispered.
Without meaning to, a sob escaped my throat, and then I threw my arms around his neck so I could cling to him as I cried. I knew that’s not what he wanted after all, but I was so happy to see him and hear his voice, that I was feeling every single emotion at once. Hutch just held me against his chest, his arms strong and firm as I let it all out until I had nothing left. When I was done, he reached for the box of tissues I kept on my desk, and pulled out a few to help me get myself together.
“When did you get home?” I dabbed at my face and turned away as I blew my nose. “You look really good. Unlike me, who is leaking snot and tears all over everything.” I tossed my used tissues into the garbage, only to reach for more.
Hutch chuckled softly. “I’ve been home since yesterday afternoon.” When I turned to stare up at him, he shook his head. “Don’t think I didn’t want to come to you first thing.” He eased himself up onto his feet, and then helped me onto mine. “I had to work up the nerve, not to mention I needed to spend time with Hazel. She was so excited to see me, and”—Hutch’s face lit up like the sun when he mentioned her name—“I swear she has grown a foot since I last saw her.” His voice overflowed with emotion.
“She must have been over the moon to see you.” I sniffled as I sat down on the edge of my desk. I knew how important it was for Hutch to reconnect with his daughter and he needed to be with her right now, not with me.
�
�Hey.” He pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. “What’s going on inside that beautiful head of yours?”
I shook my head. “Nothing,” I lied, afraid to meet his eyes.
“Jillian.” His voice was soft. “Talk to me, please, if you don’t want me here or if something is bothering you, I want to know.” Hutch squared his shoulders and leveled me with a gaze that made goosebumps break out all over my body. “I thought about two people while I was gone, Jillian, and one of them is sitting right in front of me.” His voice had dropped so low it made my stomach clench with desire. “You’re my family.” Fresh tears filled my eyes, but when I tried to look away, his hand flew out to grip my chin. “No, don’t hide from me. We’re not doing that anymore.” His features softened. “Talk to me. You’re the only person that has never been afraid to do that, so don’t hold out on me now,” he whispered.
I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath until I let it out. “Are you sure you should be with me right now? I mean, Hazel is your daughter, and she needs you more than me. You’re her family.” My life had seemed empty without Hutch in it, but putting Hazel first was what was important. I knew that.
“You’re my family, Jilly. You and Hazel are the only ones I want in my life.” Hutch stroked my cheek with his thumb, causing delicious friction to build between my legs. “Go out with me Saturday night.”
“Like on a date?”
“Exactly like a date.”
I dragged my teeth across my bottom lip. “Okay. A date sounds nice.” I wanted more than a date. I wanted Hutch to kiss me right now until I couldn’t see straight and then take me home, strip off my clothes, and drag his tongue all over my pussy until I came on his mouth. Then I wanted to wrap my mouth around his cock, make him cum in my mouth before I straddled his waist and fucked him every which way into next week.
Hutch tilted his head before he dipped his head to slide his lips over mine. “Nice,” he teased, but I saw the way his ears turned pink, and his eyes flashed with need.
When he went to pull back, I grabbed his face with my hands. “Hutch.” My voice cracked as I said his name, but when I pulled his face back to mine and our lips met again in a soft kiss, I sighed happily. The growl that started deep in Hutch’s chest got louder the longer our mouths stayed connected together, his tongue easing its way between the seam of my lips, and before I knew it, he had me caged in between his arms on my desk, panting and wanting more.
“We should stop,” he warned, his brown eyes dark as they met my greens. “Before I take you right here on your desk.”
“Promises, promises,” I teased and wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer. I bit back a groan as his erection pressed against my core.
Hutch’s nostrils flared as he stared down at me. “Don’t think that I didn’t think about you, just like this, every day while I was gone. All the things I wanted to do to you, plan on doing to you, but”—he peppered kisses against my mouth and jawline—“let me take you out first. Like I planned.” Hutch pulled back and then helped me sit up. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want you any less.” He pointed to his crotch.
I gazed up him. “I love you,” I murmured, realizing I had never returned his endearment when he told me earlier. “Every minute of every single day, Hutch, while you were gone, that’s all I wanted to tell you. How much I love you, and how much you mean to me.” I sucked in my breath when he turned his back to me.
“Jillian,” Hutch’s voice was low again. “I am so sorry for everything that I put you through.” His shoulders trembled slightly. “With Madison, with—”
I touched his arm. “Don’t do that,” I whispered as he glanced over his shoulder. “You have nothing to apologize for, do you hear me?” I quickly slipped from the desk to wiggle between Hutch’s arms. “I left you and you had every right to move on without me.” I rested my chin against his chest.
“I never wanted to move on,” Hutch admitted as he wrapped his arms around me. “I was lonely, and she was just a warm body.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “She served me with divorce papers while I was in the hospital. Can you believe that?”
I could, because Madison was a horrible person, but I kept that part to myself. “I’m sorry.” I squeezed myself closer against his frame.
“She doesn’t plan on fighting for custody of Hazel.”
What do you say to something like that? That woman was a horrible human being. When I looked up at Hutch again, he was looking down at me with love in his eyes. Not anger, hate, or sadness, just the love that I had missed for the past couple of weeks.
“Saturday night.” He smiled, and my heart stuttered in my chest. I had never felt so many emotions at once in my life. After everything that had happened between us, he still wanted me, and I still wanted him. “Wear something comfortable,” he added.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
Hutch only shook his head. “It’s a surprise, but I have a feeling that you’re going to like it,” he added with a wink. “I’ll pick you up at six if that’s okay.” He held me closer to his body, and I caught the scent of his soap, taking me back to the first time I slept in his bed after he kissed me under the fireworks.
“Okay,” I whispered.
Chapter Thirty-One
Hutch
Saturday night seemed to take forever to get here, but when it finally rolled around, I was a nervous wreck. I felt like this was our first date all over again. It wasn’t like Jillian and I hadn’t seen one another during the week, but this, this felt different. She had come by a couple of times for lunch, bringing me an egg salad sandwich, an apple, and a granola bar just like the old days, but we had kept it casual. We held hands under the table, but we didn’t kiss or hug or anything because we knew how fast gossip spread in town. It was bad enough how much people were talking about what had happened to me. I didn’t need them dragging Jillian into the mix and thinking she was the reason for my divorce with Madison. That part was all on me.
And, of course, there were the text messages.
Jillian: You won’t tell me where we’re going?
Hutch: Nope.
Jillian: Not even a little hint? Even if I send you a boob pic?
Hutch: Jilly, that’s not fair! But a boob pic would be much appreciated because I do miss them more than you can imagine.
Jillian: Not if they won’t get me intel on our date. *frowny emoji*
Hutch: I have missed you more than you know.
Jillian: Me too, baby.
Hutch: Fuck, don’t call me that.
Jillian: Why, will it help get me information on the date?
Hutch: You are relentless, you know that? *laughing emoji*
I didn’t realize how much I missed her texts until the first one she sent. In fact, I missed everything about Jillian. Her texts, her scent, her laugh, and just being near her. When I stepped into my empty apartment after leaving the hospital, I realized she had been there. That she had cleaned it up, and made sure it was just the way I would want it. It was enough to break me into a meltdown until I had nothing left inside me before I packed a bag of everything I needed and left, because I couldn’t be there anymore. That had never truly been my home. It was a place I had slept and eaten, but not a place I had ever truly felt comfortable. I moved back into the apartment over my parents’ garage where I could be close to Hazel until I could find something else.
I was thrilled to be home with my daughter. The moment she had seen me, the day I had come home, she had dropped the dolls she had been playing with and came running at me full speed so that I could pick her up and shower her with kisses. I loved Hazel with every single ounce of my soul. When I looked at her? I saw a future, and now that the demons inside my head were no longer speaking to me, I finally felt I could give Hazel the future she deserved.
I had spent more than enough time trying to figure out what to wear tonight before I decided on faded blue jeans, and a tan short-sleeved Henley that I was sure my mother had slipped into my dres
ser at some point over the past week. I had never seen it before. As I walked up the steps to Jillian’s apartment building, I nervously ran my hand through my hair and tugged on my shortened locks. I had gotten a haircut this morning because I couldn’t stand how long it had gotten, and as I tugged on the ends, I wondered what Jillian would be wearing. Something sexy, like that lacey number when we first went out? A dress? My mind was racing as I raised my hand to knock, only to have her open the door before I had the chance.
“Hey.” She beamed up at me with a shy smile. “Want to come in for a second?” She pushed the door open. “I just need to put my shoes on.”
“Sure.” I stepped into the apartment and shoved my hands into my pockets, keeping my eyes on Jillian as she moved into the room. She looked beautiful, like I knew she would. Dressed in a green sleeveless keyhole top and blue jean shorts, her tan, toned legs looked like they went on forever. I liked how her hair was piled up on her head in a tight ponytail, and as she glanced over her shoulder at me, I felt my ears burn. Instead of staring at her, I moved my gaze around her apartment, taking in all the little touches I knew belonged to her.
The giant couch, covered in too many pillows, with the throw blanket on the back that I recognized from her bedroom. It was decorated with tiny little ballet slippers. There were framed photos of every size all hung over every inch of the wall, and as I leaned closer to look at one, I noticed it was from Jo and Patrick’s wedding, the one of us high-fiving while they had their backs to us. My heart thumped against my ribcage as I realized she had pieces of me in her home even though we had been separated.
“Are you going to tell me where we’re going yet?” Jillian asked as she slipped on her sneakers. “You cut your hair.” I turned around when she passed that remark.
Out of the Dark Page 22
