His presence was soothing, though I was beyond embarrassed. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve been crying so easily.”
“You’re human. Tears are part of the deal. I constantly cried after Vanessa left. And at the weirdest times.”
I hadn’t mentioned Matteo, but somehow, he knew what I was thinking. “Does it ever get any easier… this… being with someone else… like this?” I’d asked him before, but this was different… I should be able to have random sex without thinking of Matteo.
“Well, it’s been over a year since Vanessa, and this is the first time I’ve… been back on the horse so to speak.”
“A year!” I burst the words out, though I’d planned on them staying inside.
He let out a short gust of laughter yet continued running his hand along my spine. “A year. Sex isn’t everything. There’s this. There’s physical intimacy. Maybe you need more time, it hasn’t been that long since you guys ended things.”
‘Ended things?’ We hadn’t ended things, Matteo got rid of me. If it were my choice, I’d be in bed with him right now, sharing physical intimacy with him. I shuddered at myself for thinking about Matteo while in bed with Kevin. What was wrong with me? Kevin was everything anyone would ever want—if only he’d fuck me already.
I pushed closer into Kevin, feeling his pecs pop beneath my head as I twisted to look up at him. “You’re a great guy, and I’m a shitty person. I don’t think it would be wise of you to continue anything with me.”
His face was behind me, so I couldn’t see him smile, but I could hear it. “And how are you a shitty person?”
“Well, for starters… I have multiple sex tapes, an addiction to fucking, a weird explicit bucket list, an affinity for ruining people’s lives, and I was just thinking about Matteo while you were comforting me. Oh… and Sophie… you’re doing so good with her. I would only fuck things up.”
Shifting his body down, he gathered my head in the crook of his elbow, staring out at me with intent. “You are not your mistakes. You’re a good person Hannah. That guy messed you up. And you’re good with Sophie. I saw that with my own eyes today. She wouldn’t stop talking about you on the way home.”
Believing every word he said would have been nice, but I didn’t. I was a mess who’d inevitably ruin Kevin and all that he’d worked for. I wanted to be better, I wanted to change… be the person Kevin believed I was. The bucket list was a fantasy—maybe it should have stayed that way. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy Kevin’s warmth and protection. I seemed to be hard for that kind of thing.
As my mind went in circles, we fell asleep, spooned naked, skin on skin. Peacefully so, until I found myself driving in a car that had no breaks. The illusive chaser still behind me, unwilling to stop, unwilling to turn. In a panic, I lost control of the car, sending it barreling off the edge of a cliff—screaming as I felt the cement of water break my windshield and snap my neck.
I woke at 3:08 AM with a jolt, springing into the air breathless.
Kevin sat up, his voice still rusty with sleep, “What’s wrong?”
“A nightmare, I’m okay. Go back to sleep,” I said, sliding my black dress back over my body to make my way towards the kitchen.
Kevin followed matting his wild hair down. “What was it about? Your nightmare?”
I turned on the tap and ran water into a short, clear glass. “Someone is always chasing me.”
“Always chasing you? Like this has happened before?”
I nodded, sipping down the lukewarm water, “It’s been a whole thing. I was taken and tortured as part of a blackmail plan to get Matteo’s horses. It’s resulted in some crazy nightmares. They are getting less frequent though.”
Kevin’s eyebrows raised until I could see the whites of his eyeballs. “Hannah! You should be talking to someone.”
“I can’t. It’s a criminal thing and these people have limbs everywhere. If they knew I was running around telling people, they’d kill me.” I set the glass on the granite counter and moved back towards the couch. “I’m just going to sit up for a while. It will be impossible for me to sleep now. You should get some rest.”
“I don’t want you to be alone. We can watch a movie.” Without waiting for my reply, he moved to the tv and started searching through the list for an upbeat comedy.
I followed him, “It’s three in the morning. You’re going to be exhausted!”
“I’ll be tired but happy. Come sit.”
Settling on an old Disney movie, he motioned for me to move towards him. I laid out, resting my head on his lap. For a bit, he hesitated, unsure of where to put his hands. Then he settled with one on the arm of the sofa, the other stroking my hair. Soon, I’d drifted back into semi-sleep. It was the first time I’d felt comforted after a nightmare in seven and a half weeks. The first time I’d completely forgotten about Matteo.
Chapter Twenty
Kevin
She reminded me of Sophie in away—in that she needed protecting. An internal primal desire I rather enjoyed. Surely it was the nightmare that triggered this feeling, as it reminded me of the sleepless nights I’d spent stroking Soph’s hair the same way. Her tiny ringlets curving around my fingertips as I tried to dry her tears with Cinderella or Finding Nemo. The same had worked for Hannah.
We’d managed to give each other space during the week, as I knew she had the shelter and emotions to work through. That, and I had Sophie, the software, and my practice. Though, it was becoming increasingly hard not to think of Hannah constantly.
Me: I’ve been thinking of you all day.
Hannah: Really? I was just going to text you. Are you busy Friday night? I have a surprise for you!
Me: I have to drop Sophie off at five, but I can come after that.
She answered in a series of emoji hearts.
“Daddy… play the game. Who are you texting?” Sophie asked, pulling at my arm.
“It’s your turn! And I was texting Hannah. We are going to have dinner on Friday.”
“Maybe she could be my mom. I like her!” She drew a card and moved the gingerbread man as she spoke.
I choked, “Hannah is just my friend Soph. You have a mom, and she loves you. It’s just… she… needs time.”
Finalizing her space on the board, Sophie looked up at me, her large hazel eyes now blazing with curiosity. “What does she need time for?”
This was the first time I’d mentioned the time thing. First of all, I wasn’t sure why I’d gone in that direction because Vanessa was most likely not coming back. And second, there was no second. I’m just a fool. “She… loves you, and I love you, and Grandma and Grandpa love you. Everyone who meets you loves you… because you… are the sweetest girl anyone ever knew.” I stood as I spoke, gathering her in my arms for a quick snuggle before she moved on to another topic and got ready for bed.
I was officially the worst father on the planet. I knew these questions were coming, but I never had a good answer. I was always fumbling. She deserved something concrete and steady, something that made sense. Everyone said I was doing a great job, but what were they going to say? Besides, they didn’t see Sophie as I did. When she was around others, she was happy, well adjusted. But late at night, in her own bed, she crumbled, missing the routine of her mom singing her to sleep. And no matter how many times I try to sing Twinkle Twinkle… I didn’t sound like her mother.
Regardless, I tried—wrapping her into my arms as she snuggled down under her sheets, the T-Rex lamp glowing beside her. Somewhere between the tenth and twentieth time singing the song, I fell asleep and so had Soph. When I woke, the room was quiet and still despite the street sounds outside. There was something going on at the bar down the street. I hated living the city, but the convenience was too great to let go of. I stood, peeling Sophie from my arms, then made my way to the office.
I’d spent hours asleep when I needed to work on the codes for the drone. Though now, all I could think about
was Hannah. I’d played down how desperate I was for connection; how much I wanted to touch her and appreciate every curve. I’d held back because I didn’t want her to feel like an object. I didn’t want her to feel like she did when she was with him. I’m not a violent man, but I wanted to hurt that guy for putting her in such a bad place, for taking her right from divorce to whacked-out bucket list, blackmail danger.
That night, I laid in the study with my laptop balancing on my knees, trying not to think about the way Hannah had touched me—mindlessly working codes until finally—one worked. In the morning, I could test it with the new sensor in the drone, and hopefully, we’d have a fully functioning prototype for the conference.
Chapter Twenty-One
Matteo
I dreamt of her last night. She was standing on the edge of a deep, wide canyon. Her shape naked and glowing, illuminated by the setting sun. I walked towards her, eager to taste her lips, ready to touch her silky skin, but I moved slowly, memorizing how she looked against the dramatic shades of red.
When I finally reached her, we touched, and a spark ran through my body. A heat I hadn’t felt in months. I laid my hand on the side of her cheek and swept her in, laying her out on the warm, crumbled rocks.
“My Bella, I’ve missed you so much… you know that, right? You know I love you. I haven’t abandoned you.”
She didn’t answer. It was torture. More than anything else, I ached for her approval—for some sign that she still held me in her heart.
Wrapping me in her thin arms, she pulled me tighter on top of her body and sighed, opening her mouth only enough to release a barely audible sound. Stradling her body, I entered her—pushing into her slowly to feel every inch of warmth her body created.
People gathered around the edge of the canyon, watching as I touched her smooth skin at the side of the rock, watching as the boundaries of the canyon crumbled away beneath us.
I pushed into her harder, feeling the textured sponge of her cervix against the tip of my cock. She called out, screaming as the slate gave way beneath her. I pulled her back from the edge, my heart racing with fever as I continued to pump. I couldn’t stop, my muscles were tensing, suddenly uncontrollably paralyzed in motion. People cheered from the sidelines, some in excitement, others in horror. Then suddenly, the earth gave way, and Hannah fell. She fell… and I managed my way back up onto the side.
The look on her face as she plummeted has been on my mind all morning. Since I was shocked back into the reality of this dreary island, and woke with cold, torrential rain beating on my head through the cracks in my shelter.
I propped Hannah up in the corner. Some days, I ran my hands over the curves of the plastic bottle, and I could almost feel her with me. Those days were the best because I wasn’t alone. For once, I could talk to my Bella. I missed her. I missed her face, her voice, her body. I missed the life we were supposed to be creating. I reeled back, wondering how all this had happened — wondering how I’d convinced myself that leaving her was the right decision.
Rage began to beat deep within my veins. The helplessness would be what got me. I had always been a man of self-sufficiency. Even with billions of dollars, I trusted very few to do anything for me. Yet here I am, having trusted only myself—stranded and unable to escape this hell. Living in constant worry that Kings Ranch has gotten to Hannah, worrying that she thought I hated her, worrying I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. Knowing I would probably die like this—rotted up, dissolved and carried out to sea.
Kicking at the torn wet palms beneath my wrinkled feet, I screamed, flexing what was left of my muscles in a storm of anger. Bamboo shoots crumbled around my wrath. The rain now like hard pellets against my pliable skin. Crawling up towards the shore, I let my waterlogged body lay at the mercy of the waves. I was going to die anyway, if the waves took me before the storm was over, I was meant to go.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Hannah
Kevin mentioned he loved chocolate cake. So, after work, I went in search of the ingredients. It had been months since I’d baked anything from scratch, but I wanted him to know how appreciative I was for his kindness last weekend.
It had officially been two months since I heard from Matteo, and though I still missed him, my mind wandered towards him less and less. This I assumed was a sign of progression. It makes no sense how you grieve someone, how you move past all the shit. How you move on with someone else like all those other feelings never really mattered. How you convince yourself the love you felt wasn’t good enough to last. It’s a mind fuck really.
I poured the cocoa batter into a parchment-lined cake tin, then slid the dessert into the oven, setting the timer so I could jump in the shower and dress before Kevin arrived. Shortly after I’d pulled on my tank top, the doorbell rang and a flutter formed. Something was happening with Kevin. He was becoming a part of my dysfunctional life, and I a part of his.
“Do I smell chocolate cake?” He held a guitar case and a brown paper bag with a Chinese takeout symbol on the side.
“Chocolate cake and raspberry topping, I’m hoping I remembered right?” I squished my face as I spoke, “I wanted to thank you for helping me work through so much. I don’t know how I would have gotten through all this without you.”
He lowered his shoulders, and leaned in to kiss my forehead before walking to the counter to empty his hands, “How have you been sleeping?”
Pulling chopsticks from the paper bag, I popped open a box of noodles, “This week has been a little better. I’m down to two or three nights a week, a huge improvement. Are you getting any closer with the final run of the drone?”
“In the next couple of weeks, I’ll have the programing down so she can run herself. Then you guys can utilize the footage and seek the alarms instead of watching every moment.” He lifted his sticks and twisted noodles into some broccoli, “You seem genuinely happy tonight.”
“I am! You’re here. I’m also wondering what the guitar is about.”
“We were going to listen to some records, but we never got around to it, so I thought I would play a few things.” He took another bite of his dinner then made his way to the guitar, sitting on the couch with the strings angular against his body.
I stopped mid-chew and sat next to him, crossing my legs towards his on the couch. He began to play, his fingers tapping across the strings with speed and finesse.
“How long have you been playing?”
“Since I was thirteen, maybe. A while. Sophie and I spend a lot of time making up songs.”
His long thin fingers continued to play, strumming out a melody soft and slow, as he began to hum. Then sing.
I’ve got these reasons I’m still lonely; And girl I know… you’ve got yours too
But maybe you’ll find in the quiet; That I can give much more to you.
No, I can’t rush you off to Paris; Or to Egypt in the spring
No, I can’t cover you in diamonds; But I’ll give you everything.
I can’t shower you with flowers; Handpicked in Holland on a whim
But I’ll find you in your darkness; And give the love you need to live.
I know in life you’ve had your bad times; And girl you know I’ve had ‘em too
But every road you travel—you’ll find; That I’ll be here, I’m holdin’ you…
He stopped abruptly, slapping on the steel strings as though there were no more to the song. “So, what do you want to hear?”
I shook my head, “Wait. I’ve never heard that song, did you write that?
He looked away, “It’s just something I’m playing around with.” His light skin blushed with reds and pinks as he spoke. “Between Sophie, work, and the software… this is how I relax.”
“Is that about you and me?” I asked, rubbing his forearm.
Blushing didn’t equate to the shade of purple he’d become. “I like you Hannah. I want to see where this goes… if you’re interested.”
“Yes. I’d like to see where this goes too.” I sat in his words, letting them permeate my skin, before he finally reached his hand over the guitar to cup my face, slowly pulling me in with the softest of kisses.
He laid the guitar against the trunk and reached over, guiding me to straddle his lap. A bulge had grown beneath his pants. Kissing him with more intensity, I unbuckled his belt, then his jeans, as he lifted the tight tank top from my chest.
“If we start, I don’t know if I have the strength to stop tonight.” He was breathless when he spoke, raspy almost, his eyes a blink away from vacant.
I lifted off his body, pulling my shorts off, then tugged at his jeans. Standing in front of him naked, he leaned his head into my stomach, kissing in gentle circles, keeping his hands firmly planted on my hips as follicles on my skin stood at attention with his breath.
“You are so beautiful,” he said, now breathing warmth onto my nest. “So beautiful.” It was as though he were praying to my body as he slowly made his way behind the soft lips of my pussy. He was careful and methodical, pursuing every inch.
I sat on the trunk and spread my legs further, pulling lightly at the strands of blonde as he formed a suction around my clit. It had been so long since I’d been touched like this, so long since I’d felt the heat of another person pursuing me. My head felt light—dizzy with euphoria. Kevin looked up, his eyes wide with excitement for my pleasure as I gave into the tortuous dance and spun a silky web all over his chin.
I sat up and pushed him onto the couch, feeling his hard pecs flex against my hands as he fell. I needed to feel his him scrape at my walls. Turning, I faced away, sliding down onto his thickness. A slight pressure ensued as each inch burrowed, stretching my cavern, sending an eager ache through my nerves.
Craving Cowgirl Page 8
