‘And how would Lizzie feel, hearing you say that?’ she asked with a light laugh.
‘Oh, god! Lizzie’s great, but she isn’t you.’
She took a deep breath. ‘I love you to bits, Charles, but we did the right thing breaking up. You know we did.’
‘Yeah, well, I can still miss you, can’t I?’
‘I haven’t gone yet.’
There was another pause.
‘I wish you’d told me,’ he said.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t,’ she said, even though there was a part of her that wasn’t sorry really. The more people she could save from the sorrow, the better she felt. She knew they’d find out eventually or she’d be forced to tell them, but every day she saved them from her revelation felt like a little victory to her.
‘Can I see you?’ he asked.
‘What – now?’
‘Yes!’
‘I’d rather you didn’t.’
‘Oh, thanks very much.’
‘I mean I’ll see you when I get home, okay?’
‘When’s that?’
‘Not long.’ She waited for his response. ‘Okay?’
‘I guess,’ he said. ‘Harrie?’
‘Yes?’
‘Are you feeling all right?’
‘I feel fine. I have pills which I don’t really need yet. At least, I’m not taking many.’
He swore again.
‘You really have a mouth on you, don’t you?’ she teased.
‘I think it’s warranted in the circumstances.’
She heard him sigh and wished she could reach out through the phone and squeeze his hand. ‘Listen,’ she said at last, ‘I’ve got to go.’
‘Just don’t forget you’ve promised to see me.’
‘I won’t forget.’
‘I love you, Harrie. I always have.’
‘I know, and I love you, Charlie.’
She hung up and switched off her phone, giving herself a moment to compose herself after the call before walking out onto the landing. She stopped at the top of the spiral stairs as she heard the happy voices of Audrey and Lisa as they made plans for the future. Harrie smiled as she listened, but it was a sad kind of smile and she decided not to join them, but took the back staircase downstairs and walked through the cloisters towards the chapel.
Samson’s light chiselling could be heard. It was funny but, when she’d been told that there’d be restoration work being done during their stay at the priory, she’d worried about the level of noise and if it would disturb them, but she’d come to love the strange musicality of Samson’s chisel. It was like a stony kind of soundtrack to their summer, she thought. A melody in limestone; a chisel concerto.
‘Hello!’ she called up to him as she entered. The chiselling stopped.
‘Hello!’ he called down.
‘Can I come up yet?’
‘Not yet. I’ll come down. Just give me a moment, Harrie.’
She waited, trying to see what he was up to, but the bulk of his body was hiding what he was working on and so she waited patiently until he’d come down to earth.
‘How are you?’ he asked, his gaze a little more fixed than usual.
‘I’ve just been on the phone with my ex.’
‘Oh.’
‘I told you about him?’
‘No, you didn’t.’
‘Well, his name is Charles and . . .’ She paused and shrugged. ‘I didn’t tell him about – you know what – but our daughter obviously did when she got home.’
‘You didn’t tell him?’ Samson looked shocked by this confession.
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Lots of reasons, but I guess the biggest one is because he’s not really in my life anymore. I know he’s the father of my daughter and there’s a part of me that will always love him, but he’s moved on now. He’s married to Lizzie, who has big hair and wears tight tops. So, you see my health isn’t his concern anymore.’ She looked down at the floor and scuffed her trainers around.
‘If I was him, I’d want to know.’
She nodded. ‘Well, I apologised to him.’
Samson took a step closer towards her. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Of course I’m okay. Why shouldn’t I be?’
‘Because you sound . . .’
‘What?’
‘Odd.’
‘Odd?’ She stared up at him.
Samson frowned down at her. ‘I don’t know. I’m waiting for you to tell me.’
‘What do you want me to tell you? That I’ve just told my ex-husband that I’m dying and that my two best friends are in the kitchen planning their happy futures? Is that why I’m sounding odd, do you think?’
‘Harrie—’ He reached out and gently touched her arm and it was then that something began to creep up on her. She hadn’t felt it at the time that they’d been sitting around the kitchen table chatting about all the possibilities open to Lisa, and she hadn’t felt it when imagining Audrey’s future with Mike in a beautiful little corner of north Norfolk. She hadn’t even felt it when Charles had cried on the phone, but she felt it now and she had to get away.
‘I’ve forgotten your tea!’ she said, her mind skipping quickly to find a distraction that would mean she could leave the chapel and regain her composure in a private little corner somewhere.
‘Never mind about the damned tea,’ Samson told her.
‘It won’t take me long. I’ll just go and—’
‘You’re not going anywhere.’
Suddenly, her breathing had become fast and shallow. She needed to get out of there and back to her bedroom so she could lie down for a bit. Then she would be all right, she was sure of it. But, before she could make a move, her legs buckled.
‘Harrie!’
Samson swept forward, catching her in his arms as she fell. She didn’t faint, but she did feel horribly light – as if the slightest breath of air would blow her away. Stunned for a moment, she remained absolutely still, her chest rising and falling at an alarming rate. And then the tears started. The strange thing was, Harrie didn’t try to stop them. She wasn’t sure that she could even if she wanted to and so they fell, large sploshy tears that burned her eyes and blurred her vision. She clasped her hands around Samson’s arms as she tried to get her breathing under control.
‘Deep, slow breaths,’ Samson coaxed. ‘That’s it. Nice and slow.’
But she couldn’t stop crying.
‘I’m so scared,’ she confessed in a screech of a whisper. ‘I’ve never told anyone that before, but I am. I don’t know what to do. What am I meant to do?’
Still the tears fell, welling up from a place deep inside her where they’d been suppressed for so long.
‘I don’t have a future! I don’t have a future!’ she cried, feeling the raw fear and panic as if for the first time. ‘There’s just this huge full stop waiting for me and I’m scared. I feel so helpless. I don’t want to die! I don’t want to leave everyone!’
Harrie felt as if she was spinning out of control as that thing inside her – that deep, dark, malignant thing – threatened to engulf her. It was a part of her she’d chosen to ignore, pushing it down and refusing it its rightful place in her life. But, now, it was coming after her, making its presence felt. She couldn’t block it out any longer.
She wasn’t sure how long she remained in Samson’s arms like that but what was so wonderful was that Samson didn’t tell her that it was all right and that everything would be okay. She’d never understood those platitudes because they were blatantly false and she knew that he knew that too. Instead, he simply held her in those strong arms of his and repeated the same three words.
‘I’ve got you,’ he said. ‘I’ve got you.’
Chapter 20
‘I knew it!’ Mrs Ryder told them. ‘I didn’t say anything to anyone. I’m never one to say, I told you so, but I knew she was heading for a breakdown. She was just too good at holding it all in and that never bodes well. And she need
s more meat in her diet in my opinion.’ She slammed the fridge door shut and turned to face Audrey and Lisa.
Audrey felt terrible. She should have seen it coming. What kind of a friend was she not to have noticed? She’d been so wrapped up in her own worries with Mike that she hadn’t seen how fragile her friend was. And then they’d been discussing Lisa’s new future! How insensitive was that? Oh, she could kick herself, she really could.
Samson had found them both in the garden and had explained that he’d taken Harrie up to her bedroom, given her a glass of water and drawn the curtains. She’d been exhausted, he’d told them, and needed to rest, but it was more than that, Audrey could see that as soon as she’d looked in at her sleeping friend. Her face had been pale and tight and she’d clearly been crying.
‘It’s my fault,’ Lisa said once they were back in the kitchen. ‘I should never have gone on and on about my future like that.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ Audrey assured her. ‘If anything, it’s mine. I was the one who pushed you into all that planning. Why didn’t I think of the effect it would have on Harrie?’
‘It’s not so much talk as it is food,’ Mrs Ryder said.
‘I don’t think it’s as simple as that, Mrs Ryder,’ Audrey said. ‘I wish that it was.’
Mrs Ryder shook her head. ‘I’ll take her up some soup and bread before I go.’
‘I think we should just let her sleep,’ Audrey told her. ‘I’ll keep an eye on her and make sure she has something to eat as soon as she wakes up.’
Mrs Ryder pursed her lips, looking proprietary, and then she walked across the room and picked her handbag up from a chair and took out a notebook, ripping out a page a moment later and scribbling something down.
‘My number,’ she said, handing the piece of paper to Audrey. ‘Call me if you need me. Doesn’t matter what time it is.’
‘Thank you,’ Audrey said, genuinely surprised and moved that this irascible housekeeper cared so deeply about Harrie.
After both Mrs Ryder and Samson had left the priory, Audrey and Lisa crept around the place, trying not to make any noise. The atmosphere had changed now. They both felt it. It was as if the summer had come to an abrupt end and reality was creeping in upon them like a cruel and early winter.
‘Should we let Honor know?’ Lisa asked. ‘I think we should call her.’
‘No need to worry her. I don’t think Harrie would want us to.’
Lisa sighed, looking stressed. ‘Should one of us at least sit with her?’
‘I don’t think she’d want that either,’ Audrey said. ‘I mean, would you?’
‘Probably not.’
‘We’ll let her rest.’
And so they did, tiptoeing around the priory, checking in on her every couple of hours until it was time for bed.
In the morning, Lisa brought Harrie a glass of water and some orange juice and placed them by her bedside while Audrey opened the window to let some cool air into the room. Still Harrie didn’t stir.
‘Are you sure she’s okay?’ Lisa asked. ‘Should we call a doctor?’
‘Her breathing’s regular. I think Samson’s right and she’s just exhausted.’
It was dinner time before Harrie got up. Audrey and Lisa were in the kitchen warming up some of the soup Mrs Ryder had made when Harrie came into the room.
‘Hey!’ she said. She was wearing a loose jumper over a long skirt and looked flushed with sleep. ‘Is Samson still here?’
Audrey was surprised by the question. ‘It’s Saturday, Harrie.’
‘What?’ She looked confused.
‘He left yesterday for the weekend.’
She frowned and then her eyes widened in comprehension. ‘I’ve been asleep for – how long?’
‘A little while,’ Audrey told her. ‘Not to worry. You look better for it.’
‘You should’ve woken me!’
‘No way.’
Harrie walked towards the table with a little wobble and sat down. ‘I’ve really been asleep since yesterday afternoon?’ She put her head in her hands.
‘Are you okay?’ Lisa asked. ‘Are you dizzy?’
‘I think I—’ She stopped.
‘What?’ Audrey asked.
‘Are you going to faint?’ Lisa said.
‘I think I had an episode,’ Harrie finished. ‘Oh, poor Samson! What must he think of me?’
‘He thinks you’re exhausted, that’s what he thinks.’ Lisa sat down next to her and placed an arm on her shoulder.
‘I’m fine.’
‘You still look horribly pale to me. I’ll get you some soup and bread,’ Audrey said, and Lisa got up to get bowls, cutlery and water.
Then, for a few moments, they all ate their soup in silence with Audrey glancing up at Lisa as they both anxiously watched Harrie’s progress.
‘Blimey, I’ve not died yet,’ Harrie suddenly said.
‘Harrie!’ Lisa exclaimed.
‘Sorry.’ She smiled. ‘I find myself increasingly drawn to gallows humour.’
‘That’s not funny,’ Lisa added.
‘Well, cheer up then, for goodness’ sake, and talk to me.’
Audrey didn’t know what to say, but did her best to smile. Harrie put her spoon down.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m feeling odd.’
‘Odd how?’ Lisa asked. ‘Can we get you something?’
She shook her head. ‘Just out of sorts. I’m sorry.’
‘Can I get you some of your pills? Or do you want to go back to bed?’ Audrey asked.
‘No. I don’t want to sleep the summer away. I want to spend time with you guys.’
‘Please don’t exhaust yourself, Harrie,’ Lisa told her.
‘I won’t.’
‘You need plenty of rest,’ Audrey said.
‘And there’ll be plenty of time for that soon enough.’
‘Oh, Harrie!’ Lisa cried. ‘I wish you wouldn’t talk like that.’
‘Sorry. There’s that dark humour creeping in again.’ Harrie smiled. ‘I haven’t told you about the guy I met at the treatment centre who used to crack the darkest jokes, have I? At first, I hated it. I wanted to tell him to shut up and keep his grim humour to himself, but I soon realised that it was his way of coping and, before too long, I found myself joking alongside him.’
‘I can’t imagine what you went through,’ Lisa said. ‘It must have been so gruelling.’
‘It was fine,’ Harrie said. ‘Horrible, but fine. I got through it. What was really scary, though, was when the treatment stopped.’ She slowly swirled her spoon in her bowl, making circles in the soup. ‘I went through all sorts of odd emotions then. Relief came first, I suppose – that I didn’t have to go through it anymore – but then the fear set in because I realised that I was on my own. You see, when I was having treatment, I had a team fighting the cancer with me. I had somewhere to go where there were others who were going through the same thing. I didn’t realise what a lifeline it was at the time.’
‘You should have called us,’ Audrey said. ‘We’d have been there.’
‘Absolutely,’ Lisa said.
‘I know,’ Harrie told them, ‘and that’s so kind, but cancer does something funny to you. I think you need to be around others who are going through the same thing.’
‘Are you still in touch with the people you had treatment with?’ Audrey asked.
‘A couple of them, yes.’
‘And the gallows-humour guy?’ Lisa dared to ask.
Harrie took a moment before she answered. ‘He’s not doing so well.’
‘Oh, no! I’m sorry.’
Harrie nodded and gave a rueful smile. ‘We once had this talk about it all. He told me how he’d slowly come to accept his diagnosis and with that acceptance came a strange sort of calm. It was as if you were acknowledging the inevitable, nodding to it and shaking it by the hand. He said you weren’t inviting it in exactly, but you were letting it know that you knew it was there. I liked that.’
&
nbsp; ‘And is that how you feel?’ Audrey asked. Lisa glanced across the table at her as if wondering if she should ask such a thing.
‘Yes,’ Harrie said, seemingly happy to talk about it all now. ‘I think it’s healthy to face it, but I don’t think you should give it free rein. You should still lead your life as well as you can and not give in to it and lock yourself away from the world while you wait for it to come for you. After all, it’s a physical illness and I feel strongly that you shouldn’t let it infect your spirit too.’
Audrey could see that Lisa’s eyes were welling up with tears.
‘And you’re not doing that,’ Audrey said, desperate to turn the conversation positive again.
‘And you’re not alone, Harrie,’ Lisa said.
Harrie put her spoon down. ‘I know I’m not. But, when you wake up in the middle of the night, it can feel pretty lonely.’
‘Then call us,’ Lisa insisted. ‘Whatever time it is.’
‘Yes, we want to be there for you,’ Audrey added. ‘We need that as much as you do.’
‘Promise us,’ Lisa said. ‘Promise that you’ll let us know when you need us.’
Harrie looked from Lisa to Audrey and back again. ‘I will,’ she said with a smile. ‘I promise.’
Their final week at the priory was blessed with glorious sunshine. They read and they walked, they sunbathed and they talked. They meditated together and ate fabulous meals and laughed until they were hoarse. Harrie even went out with Samson to visit two more of his favourite churches.
Then, on their last day, Harrie announced that they should go shopping.
‘Oh, can’t Mrs Ryder do that?’ Lisa asked from her sun lounger.
‘Not for what I have planned.’
‘And what is that exactly?’ Audrey peered over her sunglasses. ‘Should we be worried?’
‘Well, I think we should do something special for our final night here, don’t you?’
‘Like what?’ Lisa asked.
‘Like a party,’ Harrie said. ‘And, for a party, you need to get dressed up.’
‘You want to go shopping for new dresses?’ Audrey asked.
‘Don’t you?’ Harrie said.
One Last Summer Page 25
