A petite woman looked up from a desk just inside the door. “May I help you?”
Meira leaned over, bracing her hand and stump on the desk’s surface. “I need to see Elkan.”
The woman looked at Meira’s stump and licked her lips. “Master Elkan is very busy. He asked not to be disturbed.”
“You mean he told you to send me away. I’ll tell him you tried, but I pushed past and you couldn’t stop me.” Meira fixed her with her most intimidating stare.
The woman drew herself up and raised one hand, thrusting the other down and to the side. When it met only empty air she froze. After an instant, she clenched her fists, scrunched her eyes closed, and shook her head.
Guilt slammed Meira, but she shoved it aside. “Where is he?”
“In the Guildmaster’s office,” the woman said dully with a jerk of her head. She rubbed her hands on her breeches.
“I’m very sorry for your loss,” Meira muttered. She strode past the desk. The vast open space of the Hall was mostly deserted, only a few wizards and patients clustered on the far side. Noisy voices and lights spilled from a large doorway to the left. That must be the dining hall Elkan had described. He’d said the Guildmaster’s office lay across the Hall, off a short corridor.
The first door she tried opened onto a hallway that matched his description. Soft lamplight leaked through the cracks around a door on the right. She pushed it open with her shoulder.
Tobi looked up with perked ears. Elkan’s gaze followed an instant later. He was sitting behind the desk, a wooden box in front of him, an untouched plate of food pushed to the side. He stiffened. “Meira,” he said, his voice carefully neutral. His hand twitched, then stilled.
Something that was half laugh, half sob welled up in Meira’s throat. She choked it down. She knew him so intimately the tiny motion communicated volumes. He’d started to raise his hand to his hair, the way he always did when he was nervous or distressed or uncertain, and had forced himself not to. She remembered how that hair had felt sliding between her fingers, so recently, and yet so very long ago.
She made her voice as emotionless as his. “Your doorkeeper very dutifully tried to turn me away, but I bullied the poor girl into relenting. Shouldn’t you have given her a day off to grieve for her familiar?”
“She wanted to do something useful.” Elkan’s hand escaped his control and raked through the shining black strands. “They all did.”
“I guess I know how they feel.” Meira walked to stand beside him. She peered into the box, which held a tangled mass of wires, sticks, and small shiny objects. “Is that Master Dabiel’s hanging sculpture you told me about?”
“Josiah found it.” Elkan lifted out a section and attempted to untangle it, but the snarled clump defeated his efforts. He let it drop back into the box. “Hanion shoved it in the nearest closet.”
“About Josiah.” Meira took a deep breath. “I was just speaking with Dari and Rovia.”
“They both survived?” Elkan’s head came up.
“Yes. Although Rovia’s master was killed in front of her.” Meira forced herself to say the rest. “By a shot from one of our weapons.”
Elkan sucked in his breath. “Oh, no.”
“I’m certain he’s not the only one. I told her the Blasters’ Guild would pay reparations.”
“I suppose that’s wise. But I won’t let your new guild start off by going into debt. I’ll make sure the Wizards’ Guild pays generously for your contribution to the defense of Tevenar.”
“I’d appreciate that. But how are you going to persuade Hanion?”
“I’ll talk to the other masters. They won’t let him get away with shirking such an obvious obligation.” He rose and gestured toward the couches that faced each other beyond the desk. “Have a seat. What did they say about Josiah?”
Meira settled onto one of the couches. He perched on the one opposite. “That they helped him trick the farmers and herders from Jevtaran into coming to Korisan. That he could be expelled from the Wizards’ Guild if anyone found out.”
His expression didn’t change. “Is that all?”
“That they told me.” His features relaxed, just a little, but enough his relief was plain to Meira. “You knew?”
“He told me as soon as he arrived in Korisan.” Tobi stalked over and laid her head in his lap. He caressed it affectionately. “He had Dari and Rovia stage a scene, and then showed it to the farmers and herders as if it were real. He originally intended to do it without Sar knowing it was false, but at the last minute he had an attack of conscience and confessed everything. Sar refused to do it once he knew, but the Mother directly intervened to give him permission.”
Meira’s eyes widened. “Really?”
“I know.” Elkan’s brow creased. “But that can’t ever become public knowledge. People would lose their trust in the Mother if they knew she allowed her power to deceive them. Josiah promised to take the blame if it ever came out.”
“Then you’d better talk to Rovia. She’s furious at the Wizards’ Guild and convinced you sacrificed the lives of herders while protecting farmers. She was ready to go to her guildmaster with the whole story before Dari and I talked her down.”
Real alarm showed in Elkan’s eyes. “I’ll do that.” His fingers dug into Tobi’s fur. “I can’t let Josiah get his bond broken. Not after everything he’s done.”
Frustration bubbled in Meira’s stomach. “It wouldn’t be your fault. He’s the one who made the bargain.”
“I know.” Elkan studied the top of Tobi’s head intently.
Meira scrubbed at her face, remembering to use her left hand. What now? She’d delivered the information she’d come to convey.
The silence stretched long and awkward. Probably she should tell him good-night and leave, but she couldn’t bear to, yet. “I heard you met with the Matriarch this afternoon. How did it go?”
“Better than I expected. She was quick to agree to my terms. The Armada is going to stay at least a month, repairing and restocking their ships. I told her you’d sell her some of the blasting powder we’ve got left, and she seemed willing to negotiate a fair price.”
“The Mother knows we don’t need it all. We’ve got twenty times what the Miners’ Guild will use in a decade.”
“As long as she keeps her word. I think she will, but we’d better keep the mill in production for a while, just in case.”
“If Master Sef doesn’t beat down the door and throw us out. I’m going to have to decide whether to buy the building from the Fullers’ Guild or transfer the machinery to a new location. Closer to the mountains might be better.”
“Just be sure you’re on a navigable river so you can ship it to Elathir if we ever need to defend ourselves again.”
“Do you think we will?”
He sighed and stared into space. “Eventually. Ravanetha knows we’re here. No matter how successfully I reinstate isolation, I can’t make them forget us.”
“So you’ve really given up your plans to take the Wizards’ Guild to Ramunna?”
He rubbed his face, still not looking at her. “I don’t have much choice. The only way Verinna will allow us back is if we agree to fight the Marvannans for her. I don’t think the Mother will let us. Killing to defend our home is one thing. Killing to conquer another country is something else entirely.”
“But what about the Ramunnan wizards? It’s their home, and it’s been invaded by their enemies. Isn’t that the same situation we faced?”
He sighed. “More or less. If they insist on going with her, I can’t stop them. But I hope to persuade them to stay.” Elkan’s eyes remained fixed on Tobi’s ears. “Do you know Josiah’s taken up with Kevessa?”
Meira blinked at the abrupt change of subject. “Really? I thought he and Ledah—”
Elkan shrugged. “Apparently they broke it off when he left Korisan.”
“And Kevessa just arrived last night. He didn’t waste any time, did he?”
Elkan s
norted. “At the midday meal he was telling anyone who’d listen that he’s courting her according to Ramunnan custom. Kevessa looked as smug as Tobi when she catches a rabbit. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other.”
Such a short time ago she would have responded with some teasing quip. Like master, like apprentice. I see you’ve been teaching him well. We can’t let them have all the fun, can we?
Instead she shook her head. “We’ll see how long it lasts. Apprentice infatuation is often short-lived, and Josiah doesn’t seem like he wants to be tied down too soon.”
“I hope it lasts at least until Verinna leaves. It would give Kevessa a reason to stay in Tevenar.”
“I suppose.” Her lips quirked. “Maybe you can find Tevenaran sweethearts for the rest of them as well.”
He didn’t respond to her humor. “If that’s what it takes.”
Silence fell again. She tried to catch his eyes, but he steadfastly avoided her gaze.
Meira sank back into the cushions of the couch. Elkan was treating her as if the events of the past few days hadn’t happened. As he had back in Korisan, carefully keeping her at a polite distance.
She ought to give up. If he could dismiss that incredible night together so easily, what hope did she have of ever winning him back? The thought of going through the whole arduous process of wearing down his resistance again exhausted her. She should believe what he was so clearly telling her, even if he wasn’t spelling it out in words. She should get up, bid him a friendly farewell, and leave.
She owed him an apology first, though. She didn’t remember everything she’d said in those first horrible moments when the truth of her loss had consumed her, but she remembered the desperate need to spew agony and fury at the nearest safe target, and the relief she’d gotten from forcing him to share her pain. But that relief had come at a steep price. Their newborn bond had been too weak to withstand the abuse and had broken under the strain. Elkan had done nothing wrong; he’d only believed what she told him. The chasm between them was of her making. She didn’t know if she could bridge it, but it wasn’t fair to keep acting like it was his fault.
She swallowed. “Elkan, I’m sorry. For those awful things I said. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was so shocked and overwhelmed, it just spilled out.”
“Of course I don’t fault you for anything you said or did in your distress. But thank you for the apology.” He still didn’t look at her.
Smash it, why was he making this so hard? She kneaded her forearm, trying to ease the ache that lingered in her absent flesh. “I didn’t mean it.”
“Didn’t you?” Finally he met her eyes, then deliberately dropped his gaze to her wrist. He didn’t flinch, but after a long, intent stare he closed his eyes. “It doesn’t disgust me. But I’ll never be able to look at it without grief and guilt. Is that what you want?”
The thought made her cringe. “Dear Mother, no.”
“Then I think it will be best for both of us if we go our separate ways. You told me from the beginning you didn’t want a lifetime commitment, only a little fun. We had that, but as you said, it’s over. I won’t try to force it to become something it was never meant to be.”
“I said maybe all I wanted was fun. But it was always more than that.”
“Maybe it could have been, if things had turned out differently. Now…” He spread his hands.
“Smash it, Elkan, all we dared hope two nights ago was that we’d make it through the battle alive. Well, here we are. Both of us still breathing. So why aren’t we thanking the Mother and celebrating?”
“You can’t honestly think nothing’s changed.” He made a jerky gesture. “We’ve both been hurt enough. Do you really want to subject yourself to more pain?”
Smash and blast and burn it. Abruptly she understood why he was pushing her away. No matter how much he might deny it, her thoughtless words had wounded him to the core. The ruin of his first marriage had taught him to guard his heart ruthlessly lest he risk such agony again. And then, less than a day after he’d finally dropped his defenses and let her in, she’d betrayed him. No wonder he’d slammed his doors closed.
Was it worth trying to pry them open one more time? Weary resentment urged her not to bother. She was the one who’d been hurt. If he couldn’t handle a single angry outburst fueled by extreme pain and horror, did she really want to be stuck pampering his delicate sensibilities? Would he shut down like this every time they quarreled? Would he back away whenever their relationship inevitably fell short of perfection, claiming concern for her feelings while actually protecting his own?
And yet, those few hours he’d been hers had been so very, very good. A future rich with such joy would amply reward the hard work it took to get there. Elkan was strong, and smart, and wiser than anyone else she knew. He might well be able to overcome the bitter lessons of his past and learn to love her with the same maturity and dedication he gave his wizardry. She couldn’t surrender all hope yet. Not without one more try.
His eyes were fixed on her, waiting for the answer to his question. Instead of giving one, she stood up and walked around the low table between them. He stiffened, holding himself rigid as she sat down beside him.
She laid her stump in his lap. “Look,” she invited him. “Touch.”
He caught his breath. For a long moment he didn’t move.
As the minutes stretched, fear welled up in Meira. Maybe she’d made a terrible mistake. She was about to pull away when his hands reluctantly left Tobi and cupped her forearm. He massaged it gently.
She closed her eyes and drank in the sensations. The thickest patches of scar tissue were numb, and the places where her tender new skin had taken heavy use felt raw and sore, but there was plenty of healthy flesh that responded to his touch with exquisitely familiar delight. She sighed in pleasure. “It’s not so bad, is it?”
“No.” His fingers probed cautiously at the knobby end. In a professional tone, he asked, “How are you adjusting?
She grimaced. “I keep forgetting,” she admitted. “I think I reached for things with that arm several thousand times today.”
“The habits of a lifetime. They’ll take a lot more than one day to change.”
She stared at his hands on her arm. “Every time I see, or feel, every time I remember again, it’s like a kick in the stomach.”
His fingers tightened. “That must be horrible.”
“It is, but… it was a lot worse this morning than it is now. In only one day I’ve started to get used to it. A month from now, a year, five years… I can imagine a time when it won’t bother me any more. It will just be part of who I am. I’m not there yet, not anywhere close, but yesterday the idea seemed impossible, and today it doesn’t.”
“Dear Mother, Meira,” he said, his voice choked.
“What about you?” She slid her arm free of his hands and raised it to his face. He swallowed and closed his eyes, but didn’t pull away when she laid it against his cheek. “Can you imagine a day—not today or tomorrow or maybe even next year, but someday—when you can look at me and not see failure and pain and regret, but just Meira?”
He was silent for a long time. Finally he whispered, “I want to.”
She pulled her arm back and leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder. “I want you to, too.”
He shifted to wrap an arm around her waist, pulling her close. She snuggled into his side. Tobi rubbed her head against her good hand, and she fondled the mountain cat’s ears.
After a long, lovely time, just as Meira was reluctantly deciding she’d need to move soon, Elkan took a deep breath and reached for her arm. He lifted it to his mouth and gently kissed the end of her stump. “Meira, will you come to my room tonight?”
Her heart raced and desire surged through her. “Yes,” she said. She turned and wrapped both arms around him, meeting the kiss she’d feared she would never experience again.
They took their time, finally parting with a lingering promise. He rose and
took her left hand to pull her to her feet. “Mind if we go by the dining hall first? My meal’s gotten cold.” He went to the desk to collect the box and plate.
“I’ve already eaten, but I wouldn’t mind a drink or a little something sweet.”
“I think I smelled honey cakes cooking earlier.”
The little cakes would be easy to manage left-handed without making a mess. “That’s perfect.”
“Would you get the door for me?” He nodded down at his full hands.
“Of course.” She pushed it open. Had he asked on purpose, as a subtle acknowledgement of her competence, or had it been a thoughtless indication that he was already well on the way to thinking of her as whole and equal? Either way, she liked it.
Meira and Tobi fell in on either side of Elkan as they headed across the dim, cavernous main hall to the bright and noisy dining hall where the rest of the Wizards’ Guild was gathered.
Forty-Three
Nirel leaned over the bow rail, staring at the forest of masts prickling the horizon. They couldn’t have come all this way for nothing. “That’s got to be the whole Armada.”
“What’s left of it.” Elder Davon raised the window-glass he’d borrowed from the ship’s captain and studied the fleet moored just off the coast. He was silent for a good deal longer than Nirel would have expected, but when he finally spoke, it was with his usual equanimity. “Events seem to have proceeded at variance to our primary plan. We’ll need to implement one of our secondary strategies.”
“How?” For all her effort to control it, Nirel’s voice rose. “We can’t fight the Armada. You saw what they did to the Marvannan ships.”
“You’re correct. Fighting would be counterproductive. We’ll negotiate.”
“Negotiate?” Nirel balled her fists. “How? We have nothing they want. Everything depended on the Armada defeating the wizards and sailing back to Ramunna. We’ve got thousands of people who need food and shelter. Our stores are running low, our water is nearly gone, there are children who’ve been seasick so much they weigh half what they did when we left. We’ve already lost people, and we’re going to lose a lot more if we don’t land soon.”
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