by Bill Myers
K-Thudded
ever so ungently onto my head, sending me back into the Land of Unconsciousness . . .
“So . . . ,” a very familiar voice (that sounded a lot like my overactive imagination) asked, “did you learn your lesson?”
“Oh, no,” I groaned, “you’re back. What are you this time—a talking tree, a talking snail?”
“Oh, please,” the voice said, “you’ve got a better imagination than that. I’m the pigeon poop beside your head as you’re lying unconscious on the field.”
I started to open my eyes, but he said, “Don’t bother, this will be a short visit.”
“You made all this up, didn’t you?” I asked my overactive imagination. “Me being a superstar, being super-rich, creating a world with no pain, no gravity . . . all of it.”
“Not bad, if I do say so myself,” he said. “Now, have you finally learned your lesson?”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “I think so.”
“You think so. Well, if you’re not sure . . .”
Suddenly, it got very dark and cold. I felt myself lifting off the field.
“No!” I cried. “I’m sure, I’m sure! You made your point! You made your point!”
“Very good,” he said. Once again it got brighter and warmer . . . and I did my usual
“AUGH!”
K-Rash
“Oaff!”
slamming-into-the-ground routine.
But it was true. I meant what I said . . .
Even when it doesn’t make sense to me, I have to remember that God has a plan. It may not be the plan I want . . . but it will always be better.
“Well, then,” the pigeon poop said, “if you really believe it, then I guess my job is done.”
“Not so fast,” I argued. “What about the superhero story?”
“Oh, you mean Pudgy Boy?”
“That’s right. We still haven’t had the big showdown with Boney Boy. And we can’t have a superhero story without a superhero showdown.”
“But you don’t have Ol’ Betsy,” he said.
“I don’t need her—not with my overactive imagination. But we have to hurry and do it before I wake up.”
“Well, all right then,” he said. “What are we waiting for? Let’s get on with it!”
I nodded, took a moment to change gears, and . . .
Pudgy Boy slams on the brakes, bringing the Blubbermobile to a somewhat startling and
SCREECHing
halt at the base of a craggy mountain.
“And why a craggy mountain?” you ask.
(You are asking, right?)
Because at the top of that craggy mountain our hero just happens to spot a giant TV antenna perfect for broadcasting sinister, brain-changing signals. (Now you know why they pay him the big superhero bucks.)
Quickly, he leaps out of his car, straps on his rocket belt, and
K-WHOOSH
fires it up.
The only problem is, since he lost all that tonnage at Alkaflab Prison, the belt fits too loosely and takes off, leaving him behind!
But, thanks to some very fast thinking (and great work by an overactive imagination), he reaches in and pulls out the used dental floss he carries in his pocket for just such occasions.
He quickly makes a lasso out of it, and
whip, whip, whips
it around his head until he
K-flings
it into the air and snags the rocket belt. Of course, the belt is so powerful that it
YANKS
Ahhhhhhhhh...”
him up and away so that he sails over Boney Boy’s headquarters, where he releases the floss and
Ahhhhhhhhh...”
K-Thuds
smack-dab in front of Boney Boy and his Brain Wave transmitter. (Hey, I told you it was a good imagination.)
“Give it up, Boney Boy!” our hero shouts as he staggers to his feet.
“Never!” the not-so-nice guy replies not so nicely.
“Why?”
“Why?? What type of question is that? Because I’m the not-so-nice guy, of course.”
“There must be another reason.”
“There is no other reason...well, other than the fact that I woke up one morning and my jeans were too tight.”
His bottom lip begins to quiver.
“That is when I realized I was, sniff, putting on...” He closes his eyes, trying to regain his composure. “That’s when I realized I was putting on...weight!”
Suddenly, he bursts into uncontrollable tears.
“And from that moment on you hated the name Pudgy?” our hero asks.
Boney Boy nods, forcing out his words between sobs. “They were my favorite jeans, sob. And suddenly, sob, sob, overnight, sob, sob, sob, I was too fat to wear them!”
“Maybe it wasn’t your fault.”
“Of course it was my fault,” the bad boy bawls, tears streaming down his skinny face. “And God was punishing me!”
“For what?”
“FOR EATING A WHOLE SIDE ORDER OF FRIES!” He drops to his knees, crying uncontrollably.
Our hero stoops down, trying his best to comfort him. “Maybe it was your mom’s fault.”
“FOR HAVING ME, YES!” he blurts. “YES! YES!”
“No, that’s not what I meant. Maybe she just put your jeans in the dryer too long with the temperature set on High.”
He looks up, blinking through his tears. “What?”
“Maybe your jeans just shrank.”
“You mean...” He takes a ragged breath and tries again. “You mean maybe I’m not too fat after all?”
“We all need a little fat. It is only natural. In fact, some of us are actually built to be naturally heavier than others.”
“That’s terrible.”
“No, it’s natural...it’s how God made us.”
“Hey——you just worked the theme of this entire book into our little superhero story!”
“I did?” (Wow, that overactive imagination really is good!)
“But,” the bad boy bawls,“what about those skin-and-bones models I see in magazines and stuff?”
“I’m afraid some of them may be UNnatural. Some are so skinny it’s actually unhealthy for them.”
“But what about you?” he argues. “Eating all those pizzas and cake and——”
“You’re right,” our hero agrees, “I do need to be more careful with what I eat...and I need to exercise. But in moderation.”
“Moderation...you mean doing some of the stuff, but not going overboard?”
“That’s right.”
“What an incredible concept!”
“Thanks. So are you going to turn off the Brain Wave machine?” our hero asks.
“With so few pages left in the book, I don’t have a choice.”
“I’m afraid you’re right.”
With that, the boney bad boy strolls over to the giant Brain Wave machine and reaches for the lever labeled:
WARNING:
Shut off only when
story is about to end.
But, just before he pulls it, he asks, “Are you going to cancel that pizza with extra caramel sauce and chocolate chip topping you ordered?”
“I’ve been waiting the entire story to get back to it!”
“You can still have the pizza, but what about a healthier topping?”
“What a cool idea.”
“Thank you. I call it...moderation.”
“But what can be healthier than caramel sauce covered with chocolate chips?” our hero asks.
“How about cauliflower smothered in broccoli sauce?”
“Hmm, sounds tasty.”
“Well, that’s one word for it.”
“All right,” our hero agrees, “it’s a deal!”
And so, with that not-so-good-of-an-example of moderation (and before our good guy changes his mind about broccoli sauce topping), Boney Boy shuts down the Brain Wave machine.
And soon, after a moderate workout in t
he gym, the two stroll arm in arm into the sunset looking for the nearest health-food pizza place. Yes sir, it’s another cornball ending as the sappy music swells and the credits roll...as all have learned the importance of accepting themselves the way they are made——while also watching what they eat and exercising in moderation.
Though still unconscious, I had to smile. I’d be waking up in a second or two. (I had to, the schmaltzy credit music was killing me.) And when I did, I’d make sure I’d be a bit more content with what I’d been given. And for the things I couldn’t change . . . well, let’s just say I’d be spending a bit more time thanking God and a little less time whining.
At least until my next major mishap.
Another BILL MYERS series!
Who knew that the old rock found forgotten in the attic was actually the key to a fantastic alternative world? When Denise, Nathan, and Joshua stumble into the land of Fayrah, ruled by the Imager—the One who makes us in His image—they are drawn into wonderful adventures that teach them about life, faith, and the all-encompassing heart of God.
Book 1: THE PORTAL
(ISBN: 1-4003-0744-9)
Denise and Nathan meet a myriad of interesting characters in the wondrous world they’ve just discovered, but soon Nathan’s selfish nature—coupled with some tricky moves by the evil Illusionist— gets him imprisoned. Denise and her new friends try desperately to free Nathan from the villain, but one of them must make an enormous sacrifice—or they will all be held captive!
Book 2: THE EXPERIMENT
(ISBN: 1-4003-0745-7)
Amateur scientist Josh unexpectedly finds himself whisked away to Fayrah with Denise. Quickly, he sees that not every- thing can be explained rationally as he watches Denise struggle to grasp the enormity of the Imager’s love. It’s not until they meet the Weaver—who weaves the threads of God’s plan into each life— that they both discover that understanding takes an element of faith.
Book 3: THE WHIRLWIND
(ISBN: 1-4003-0746-5)
The mysterious stone transports the three friends to Fayrah, where they find themselves caught between good and evil. There Josh falls under the spell of the trickster Illusionist and his henchman Bobok—who convince him that he can become perfect. Before they lose Josh in the Sea of Justice, Denise and Nathan must enlist the help of someone who is truly perfect. Will help come in time?
Book 4: THE TABLET
(ISBN: 1-4003-0747-3)
Denise finds a tablet with mysterious powers, and she is beguiled by the chance to fulfill her own desires—instead of trusting the Imager’s plan. But when Josh and Nathan grasp the danger she faces, they work desperately to stop the Merchant of Emotions before he destroys Denise—and the whole world!
