by Hope Stone
But that wouldn’t be right. Because she wasn’t mine, and she had never been mine. I didn’t owe her my protection and comfort. She had shown me no respect and had trampled over my heart in her black combat boots. If I went into that apartment just because she was crying, I was saying that I was ok with what she had done.
Besides, she was probably crying because her so-called lead in the case was ruined. She wasn’t sorry about what she had done, that was clear. She was only sorry she got caught. The truth was, I didn’t really know her. I had fallen for an illusion. Had been enamored with a lie. The Claire I knew didn’t even exist. I wanted to comfort a ghost.
So I had turned and ran out of that building as fast as I could. I had gotten a car back to my place and hopped on my bike, without even going into my apartment. I just needed to ride. A long fast ride always cleared my head. It had to work this time because I was going to need it.
My personal wounds inflicted by Claire was one thing, but the implications for Outlaw Souls were also a serious matter. We were suspects in an ongoing investigation. Claire hadn’t come up with Outlaw Souls on her own. I had seen her notes about parents and police and random teenagers. Other people had pointed their fingers at us. Claire was an idiot for believing them, but she had not made the first accusation.
Which meant that we needed to have a meeting as soon as possible. We needed to discuss why we were taking the blame for drug-dealing and child-snatching, and we needed to figure out who was at fault. We needed to solve the problem.
That’s why I had asked Claire to stop investigating. She needed to get out of the way. This was biker business, plain and simple. I couldn’t be distracted by her running around, hurling accusations willy-nilly and asking questions.
It had been stupid to ask her to stop. I may not have known the real Claire, but I did know she was like a dog with a bone. She wasn’t going to release her hold on this case. I saw the way she snapped when I told her she was a bad PI. That had affected her even more than when I called her a whore. Whatever her other faults, she did care about her job.
I cringed at the memory. I didn’t say things like that, especially not to a woman. I had not been myself in that apartment. As a defense mechanism, I had morphed into a monster of a man. I had just been so blind-sided by that stupid fucking notebook. I had been shocked and hurt, and so I had lashed out with whatever weapons came to hand.
I should have known better. I should have been more careful. I had somehow convinced myself that I knew her, just because we had insane chemistry. I didn’t know her. I had met her only weeks ago, and pretty much everything had been a lie.
I was jolted back into the present when my bike drifted too close to the line and the car in the other lane honked at me. I cursed and looked for the nearest exit. It wasn’t good to ride when my head was in such turmoil. My life was pretty shitty at the moment, but I still didn’t want to be scraped off the pavement.
Once I was off the highway, I pulled into the parking lot of a diner and parked my bike. I got off, but didn’t go inside. I just leaned against the bike and thought. I forced myself to consider my relationship (if I could even still call it that) with Claire in chronological order. It was torture, but I ran through each and every detail.
It started that night at Blue Dog Saloon. Claire had been at the bar, and Moves had gone to her. She hadn’t approached us first, but she probably would have at some point, just to get closer to Kim and Trey. She had been cute and personable. A little bit flirty, although back then Kim had been her priority. I should have remembered that. She hadn’t been interested in me at all in the beginning. I was just a stepping stone on her way to cornering Trey. She hadn’t even faked attraction back then.
I had known that at some point. I had been curious about her, but I had known nothing was likely to happen. Everything changed the night we caught Trey. I let out a bitter laugh as I recalled the fake date. As if that had been the only fake thing about Claire. I had thought that because I was helping her with the PI stuff, I was in on the joke. I had been allowed behind the curtain.
Instead, I was just like Trey. I was being deceived in Claire’s con.
I wondered if she was already looking into Outlaw Souls at that point. I wished that I had read that notebook closer. In the moment, I was too overcome to glean more than the general details. I barely remembered the names. The missing girl was Zoe and the boy was Hector, but I couldn’t recall their last names or their parents’ names.
According to Claire’s notes, they had gotten tangled up with bikers and then ran away. No word from them, but a lot of rumors flying around about drugs. Because that’s what bikers did, according to people. We dealt drugs and we ruined young kids’ lives.
I tried to remember how many pages of notes she had. There was a lot, but that was typical Claire. She was thorough. I snorted. I had to stop thinking about things like “typical Claire.” I didn’t know what was typical. I didn’t know anything about the real Claire.
Maybe she already had the case the night we slept together. At the time, I hadn’t thought Claire was being too aggressive. She was into me, just like I was into her, but she wasn’t pursuing me with relentless determination. She had just seen where the night had taken her.
How long had it taken her to master that degree of nuance and subtlety? How many men had she seduced? How often had she practiced her delicate dance? I had been right that first time to sneak out before morning. If only I had left and never looked back. I should have stuck to my initial instinct and let Claire Brennan fall from my mind.
Instead, I had reconsidered. I had thought it would be harmless to hang out with her again. And how serendipitous it had been when she texted me? It was my lucky day. I hadn’t even paused for a second to wonder why she was reaching out after two days of radio silence.
By that point, I was sure she was on the case against Outlaw Souls. I had been blind in the moment, but looking back it was so obvious. She had agreed to just hang out at her own home. It was quiet there. If we had gone out dancing again at a club, she would have had very little time to question me. If we had gone on a real date, that would have been too much hassle.
So Claire opted for the most efficient method of gleaning information. She didn’t even have to leave her own home. I went to her, and I talked and talked about everyone’s role and how our club operated.
I knew she couldn’t do anything with what I had given her because Outlaw Souls was as clean as they came, but the fact that the whole time, she had her ears pricked for any shady details was repulsive to me. I cringed as I remembered how I had blabbered on and on about how we got gigs, how new pledges were brought into the fold, and how Moves kept everyone in line.
I frowned at that. Of all the things I had said to Claire, that was the only thing that edged on the controversial. As enforcer, Moves had to operate in some gray areas. He never crossed the line as far as I was concerned, but I wasn’t sure Claire would see it like that.
If Claire was going to fixate on anyone in Outlaw Souls as the potential villain, it would be Moves. Which was total bullshit because he was at heart one of the best men I knew. It made me sick to my stomach that Claire would even suspect him of going after a sixteen-year-old girl.
The drug stuff was unfathomable as well. Moves only used violence to curtail drug dealing on our turf. He never left anyone with serious injuries. But then again, who knew if Claire saw it that way? She probably figured that Moves was beating up half of La Playa and dealing drugs to the other half while I fixed the books to make the money disappear.
I kicked the ground in frustration. I had to tell Moves and the others about this. We were going to have to look into what bikers were behind this, but I doubted we were going to have to look very far. This situation had Las Balas written all over it. Only people who didn’t understand biker culture and the differences between our clubs would mix us up.
My brothers needed to know what Las Balas was doing. Somehow we were going to have
to curtail the drug dealing and possibly rescue a few teenagers. If those teenagers were even still within reach. It wasn’t going to be a fun conversation. My brothers would never cut me off, but they wouldn’t take it as no big deal that I had unwittingly brought a spy into our midst.
But first I had to continue replaying my past mistakes.
That night watching TV and talking had been the night things started to change for me. My feelings had started to grow. And the whole time she had just been waiting for me to fall asleep so she could jot down all her notes. Or had she? We hadn’t talked about Outlaw Souls the whole night. We talked about TV, food, our lives. A range of topics.
That just showed how good Claire was at a con. She never forced Outlaw Souls into conversation. She let me think that everything was natural. That it was natural for us to just fall asleep in each other’s arms. That it was natural for us to wake up and share breakfast and then just go for a ride.
First dates weren’t supposed to be like that. They weren’t supposed to last over twelve hours, and I wasn’t supposed to fall that hard for a girl on the first date. But Claire had manipulated the whole thing so I didn’t have a chance to stop and think. I should have tried to slow down, but instead I had surged ahead, positive that I had found someone special.
Then came the barbecue. That was the part that hurt the most. Thinking about how she had charmed all my brothers while the whole time searching for clues that weren’t there.
I paused at that. I was right. There hadn’t been any clues. Not even a hint of anything off about Outlaw Souls. If I knew one thing, it was that Claire wasn’t stupid. She had to have seen that Outlaw Souls wasn’t the type of club to dabble in criminal activity.
I thought back to this morning, as unpleasant as it was. I replayed the conversation. She had said something about Outlaw Souls. She had said they were the main suspects. She had said she knew they didn’t do anything.
But she could have been lying. She might have wanted to cover her ass and say whatever she had to in order to salvage a connection to me so she could continue her sleuthing. Then later, she had said she would keep investigating, but she hadn’t said she would keep investigating Outlaw Souls.
I growled in frustration. I couldn’t trust anything she said, but even now, I wanted to think that she no longer suspected us. I tried to remember the notes. She wouldn’t have lied in those notes. They had been detailed and precise and without bias, at least I could say that for Claire. She had written down a lot of no’s in regard to Outlaw Souls: no drug paraphernalia, no mention of drugs, no signs of addiction.
So maybe she had cleared Outlaw Souls, but that didn’t change the fact that she had been using me. I couldn’t think in detail about the night before. Each memory of how I had held her and slowly undressed her was like a knife to the gut. She had responded to my touch, had given back to me, but it had all been in the relentless pursuit of her investigation. Even if she no longer suspected the Outlaw Souls, she had only agreed to be with me because of her job. That tainted her actions.
Another line she had said this morning came back to me in startling clarity: “I wasn’t faking my feelings.” She had said that. She had also said that last night was real for her, but I had responded with anger and hatred.
“Lies,” I muttered. “She was lying.”
But I was no longer as certain. The self-righteous fury of the morning was beginning to trickle away. I was just sad now. I felt empty. I had lost something, and I was beginning to fear that I had even had anything to begin with. A small stupid part of myself hoped that maybe she had meant it. Maybe she hadn’t been faking.
I turned and got back on my bike. I couldn’t think like that. Outlaw Souls was the priority right now. I had to push my sadness to the side and go to my brothers. There was no going back and correcting my mistakes. I had to keep moving forward. And if that meant freezing my heart forever, then so be it.
I reminded myself that I had recovered from betrayal before, I could do it again.
Only I had a sneaking suspicion that I was the one telling lies now.
Twenty-Four
Claire
I wished more than anything that I was the type of girl who could heal by eating her weight in chocolate and sobbing over a romantic comedy. Or a documentary about serial killers. I wasn’t picky about what I watched while consuming chocolate, as long as it worked to distract me.
But that wasn’t me.
Wallowing had never been my style. I had to take action. I could only heal if I stayed in motion. Maybe it wasn’t healing. Maybe it was just forgetting. I didn’t care. I just needed to move.
So I finally got up off the floor. I yanked on jeans and a T-shirt. I picked up my notebook from where Pin had slammed it on the table, and I held it in my hands. There were still two missing teenagers. There was still a drug ring. I still had to solve this investigation. It was all I had left.
Was it a fair trade? Was losing Pin worth this case?
“No,” I whispered.
I shook my head and sat down on my couch. I couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t think about Pin or myself at all. The only way I could look at this investigation was if I cut myself completely out of it. I had to eradicate all my personal feelings and all my pain from the case.
Every moment I spent with Pin that wasn’t somehow connected to this investigation, I had to push aside. Which meant most of the time with Pin had to be forgotten. When it came down to it, we really hadn’t spent that much time thinking about Outlaw Souls. We had spent most of our time together sharing stories about ourselves, not to mention having passionate sex.
That had to be forgotten too. Pin could call me a whore all he wanted, but I knew that I had not been thinking about my job or the investigation at all when we had been intimate.
I gritted my teeth and shut my eyes. No more thoughts about me. I had to erase myself. I wondered if maybe I should have taken up meditation years ago to prepare for this moment. It was too late now. All I had was willpower, and that was going to have to be enough.
I opened my eyes and flipped open the notebook.
“The facts,” I muttered to myself. “Just the facts.”
Zoe had been dating a biker. Hector had been into bikes. They both ran away three months ago.
Outlaw Souls was a biker club, but they didn’t deal drugs. At least most of them didn’t, I was sure of that. I could not rule out the possibility that they had a few rogue members. As a whole though, they weren’t that kind of club. Pin had told me that once, early on. But that statement implied that some biker clubs were that kind of club.
I gasped as I thought back to this morning. He had said something – what was it? I didn’t want to think about this morning. I didn’t want to be reduced to a sobbing mess again. But he had said something, right after he discovered the notebook.
It came back to me in a flash: “We didn’t take anyone, we would never. We’re not –”
And then he had said a name. He had been speaking so fast, and I had been so upset because he wasn’t listening to me. And then right after he had accused me of being bad at my job, but I couldn’t think of that.
It had been a name, I was certain. But it hadn’t sounded familiar to my ears.
Las Balas.
It had been Spanish, I realized. I had lived in Southern California long enough to recognize that at least, but I had no idea what it meant. I leapt off the couch and ran to grab my computer from my desk. I opened it and typed the words into my search engine to find a translation.
The bullets.
That did sound familiar. Where had I heard that before? Had Pin mentioned it? I didn’t think he had ever said something about bullets or guns. I would have noticed if he had because I was listening for that kind of language.
But I had heard it. I ran through my memories, trying to fast forward the more painful ones, until I paused at the barbecue. I had been in the bathroom, frustrated because nothing was making sense. I ran into Pin (
fast forward through that), and then we had walked back out and seen Moves.
Who was leaving. Because there were some bullets that needed to be taken care of. Or something along those lines.
Had he said anything else? He had been tense, I remember, the lines of his face hardened. Pin had lowered his voice as well, but hadn’t felt the need to discuss it at length. Instead, Pin had sat down with me and told me… other things that I didn’t want to think about.
Bullets. Las Balas. The Outlaw Souls were not like Las Balas.
Another biker club. I could have slapped myself. Of course, I had considered that possibility, but all the parents kept chirping up with Outlaw Souls. But that could have been because that was the only biker club they had even heard of.
I turned back to my computer and threw myself into more research. It wasn’t easy to find anything. It wasn’t like biker clubs had websites or got mentioned in the news all the time, but the internet was a vast place and the mentions were there.
Las Balas was another club in La Playa. And they were trouble. All the things that had been missing when I was scouring the internet for details on Outlaw Souls were present. Las Balas were mentioned in a few police reports for assault and battery. Some neighborhood watch blogs mentioned them hanging around, possibly dealing drugs.
As far as I could tell, they were a smaller and newer club. Outlaw Souls were more established in the area, which was why Zoe and Hector’s parents had fixated on their name. They had heard them mentioned more and made assumptions. That was my best guess anyway.
I stood up and began pacing around the room. Las Balas. I had to find them. I had to finish this case as soon as I could. I wasn’t naive enough to think that if I took down Las Balas then Pin would take me back. What I had done was unforgivable. He had made that perfectly clear.
