The Women's Circle

by Karyn Sepulveda

  ‘All right,’ she murmured, her lips still on his, knowing already, somewhere in the deepest part of herself, that she was making a mistake she could never take back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  A COOL, FIRM hand was tapping her cheek. ‘Anna, hey, you all right?’

  Anna opened her eyes, feeling like she’d been asleep for days. Talia was hunched over her, a concerned expression on her face. Anna looked around, realising she was lying on the couch in the living room. Talia must have carried her inside.

  ‘Can you see me? Are you okay?’

  Anna managed to nod. Her head wasn’t spinning anymore, but her chest still felt tight, as though it were filled with wet concrete.

  ‘You scared me.’ Talia sat down next to her on the couch. Anna fought another head-spin as she sat up, leaning her head against the worn-out leather.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, her voice as shaky as she felt.

  ‘It’s all right. But …’ Talia’s question was clear in her eyes.

  ‘I haven’t taken anything.’

  Talia let out a long, slow breath and nodded. ‘Good. Hey, I called Jeanette, she worries about stuff like this. She’s coming over.’

  ‘Oh.’ The last thing Anna wanted was to have a heart-to-heart with Jeanette. She just wanted to go to bed and forget about this. Forget about seeing Sonja and Miguel. She shivered in disgust as she thought of the last time she’d seen them. The disappointment and hurt in their faces when they told Anna she had to leave their home.

  ‘So, what happened?’ Talia asked, her voice casual as though she were asking Anna about a shopping trip.

  ‘I don’t know, I just suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I walked for a few hours, so I probably overdid it.’

  Talia gave her a sidelong look. ‘You’re fit enough for a big walk.’

  ‘Yeah, I guess.’

  ‘Maybe you had one of those panic attacks? I’ve seen girls have them before, it’s like they’re dying.’

  ‘Yeah. Maybe.’

  They sat in silence for a while. With her gaze on her lap, Anna asked the question she wasn’t sure she’d ever have an answer for.

  ‘How do we forget it all? All the shit we’ve done, the people we’ve hurt? How are we supposed to have a normal life after all of that?’

  Talia took a long time to answer. ‘I don’t know if we can.’ Anna looked over at her, but Talia pulled at a piece of thread on her pants as she spoke, not meeting Anna’s eyes. ‘I guess we just have to try?’ Talia looked up, attempting a smile. The sadness in her eyes made Anna feel bad for even asking.

  ‘Yeah.’

  The doorbell rang then and Talia answered it. Hearing Jeanette coming through the front door and asking Talia about her, Anna sat a little straighter, pulled her legs up and crossed them, and ran a hand through her hair.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Jeanette asked, rushing into the room, looking Anna up and down, even placing her hand on Anna’s forehead.

  ‘I’ll leave you guys to it,’ Talia said, then added, ‘Glad you’re feeling better.’ As Talia left the room, Jeanette sat down, forehead wrinkled, eyes worried.

  ‘I didn’t take anything,’ Anna said before she could ask.

  ‘Of course you didn’t,’ Jeanette said, but Anna could see the relief in her eyes. ‘What happened?’ Anna couldn’t be bothered making up a story, so she just told Jeanette the truth. She’d bumped into a couple she knew from when she first came to Australia. Friends she’d hurt and hadn’t seen since her worst times. Shame had overcome her and she’d had a panic attack. When she finished speaking, Jeanette shook her head sadly.

  ‘You’re very self-aware, Anna. I hope you know how proud I am of you, for recognising the way you feel and the physical reaction you had –’

  ‘Stop.’ Anna put up her hand, trying to push Jeanette’s sympathy away. ‘Jeanette, I’m a shit person, I did really shit things and tonight was about me facing up to that. There’s nothing to be proud of.’

  ‘That’s not true. Look how far you’ve come.’ Jeanette said, gesturing to the room.

  ‘How far? Jeanette, sometimes I think you’re the one on drugs. Look at this place. I’m going to be thirty-one in a couple of days and I’ve done exactly nothing with my life. Except make mistake after mistake and hurt a whole lot of people. That’s the reality.’ Jeanette didn’t say anything for a long time and in the silence, Anna worried she had hurt her feelings. She was about to apologise, when Jeanette finally spoke.

  ‘My husband is always making fun of me for my positivity; he says I see the world through rose-coloured glasses. Maybe I do, but why would I want to see it differently? I agree, you did some really shit things. Even as recently as the other day with Mads.’ Jeanette turned her head to the side and raised her eyebrows as though waiting for Anna to agree.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘But you are not a shit person. You are a good person, Anna. You have so much strength and talent. You came to this country by yourself at eighteen, got yourself into university and gained citizenship. That’s a huge accomplishment.’

  ‘How did you know about my university course?’

  Jeanette blushed slightly. ‘It was in your file. Sorry, I forgot you hadn’t actually told me that.’

  Anna felt relieved that Jeanette was so nosy and knew this as well. It saved her from having to admit to yet another mistake. She supposed Jeanette really did know the worst about her. And yet, she was here. ‘Do you know about him? The guy I was with, when it all happened?’

  Jeanette reached out and put her hand on Anna’s knee, just for a moment. Anna thought of Jake’s face in those last minutes, the terror in his eyes. She didn’t want to miss him, but there were times when she couldn’t help it.

  ‘I do.’

  They sat quietly for a while. When Anna yawned, the exhaustion of the day hitting her hard, Jeanette checked her watch.

  ‘I better go. But before I do, I want you to make me a promise. On your birthday, Friday right?’

  ‘How often do you read my file, Jeanette?’ Anna asked, but she laughed.

  ‘Oh, shush. On your birthday, I want you to treat it as a true fresh start. Yes, you have messed up. But it’s in the past and you can’t change any of it. From Friday onwards, it’s a new life and you’re going to move forward and open up to new possibilities.’

  Anna thought about it. She could try. ‘All right.’

  ‘I mean really open up. Perhaps even down the track, going to university again.’ When Anna tried to argue, Jeanette waved her hand to quiet her. ‘Just open to possibilities, that’s all I’m saying. Can you promise me?’

  ‘I can.’ Anna couldn’t imagine going back to university. But she could at least try to feel enthusiasm for her future. She wanted to feel it.

  ‘Good.’ Jeanette kissed her cheek, gathered her bag and let herself out.

  QUARRENDON VILLAGE, BUCKINGHAMSHIRE ENGLAND 1770

  Aisleen and Joseph sat together at the table by their fireplace, eating a breakfast of bread and cheese and sipping on sweet tea. After their tense encounter in town the week before, the air between Aisleen and Joseph had been heavy. This morning, however, there was again a peace between them and Aisleen appreciated the ease in which they lived together. It was their morning ritual to have breakfast after Joseph finished the first of the farm chores. They would discuss how the animals were doing, plan what Aisleen would make for dinner and every now and then, they’d chat about their old life. Aisleen would tell Joseph stories of her childhood, the games she and Mary had played. Joseph would remember the times he noticed Aisleen or Mary at school. His favourite recollection was the time Mary fell over on her way into the classroom, making a fuss at the sight of blood on her knees. The teacher demanded that Mary stop crying and follow the other students into the classroom, but she only continued to sob. As the teacher raised her hand to reprimand Mary, Aisleen threw herself on top of her sister, begging the teacher to have mercy and allow her to try coaxing Mary instead. />
  ‘Poor old Mrs Harding was so shocked by your dramatics she agreed,’ Joseph would laugh. Aisleen could still picture the admiration on her mother’s face when Mary recounted the entire incident to her that same afternoon.

  ‘I wish you could have met my mother,’ Aisleen said as she blew on her tea.

  Joseph chewed slowly, searching for a way to comfort her. ‘Well, you never know. Maybe one day I will.’

  At the forced hope in Joseph’s voice, a lump formed in Aisleen’s throat. She wished that was still something she could hope for.

  Joseph put down his cup of tea and leaned towards her, placing his hand on her knee. ‘What’s wrong? You’re not giving up hope, are you?’

  ‘You’ll never get to meet her, Joseph,’ Aisleen said, her voice cracking. She watched first the confusion, then realisation register in Joseph’s eyes.

  ‘You mean, she’s?’

  Aisleen nodded, biting her lip hard; she didn’t want to cry. She cursed herself for speaking her thoughts this morning. What had she been thinking?

  ‘How do you know that, Aisleen?’ Joseph’s expression darkened.

  Aisleen shrugged and kept eating, keeping her gaze from meeting Joseph’s.

  ‘Aisleen, please, tell me, how do you know?’ When Aisleen only shook her head, Joseph’s voice became firm. ‘I’m demanding that you tell me, Aisleen, who gave you this news?’

  When she heard the hardness in his voice, Aisleen relented.

  She told him about sneaking to her old home and finding Mary there, married and pregnant, her mother buried beneath her favourite rose bush. She was about to continue and tell him about the secret meetings, but when she saw how wild his face was with terror, she stopped.

  ‘It was just the once and I won’t go there again.’

  Joseph was shaking his head, rubbing fiercely at his cheeks and chin with his hands. ‘I can’t believe you risked it. After what they did to you. Aisleen, I don’t know what’s going on with you. First, touching and speaking to that woman in town. And now this. They’ll kill you if they find out.’ Joseph was so full of fear, Aisleen deeply regretted burdening him with more worry for her by mentioning her mother. She knew the suffering Joseph had endured when she’d been in prison. He had been punished too, for failing to keep his wife under control. He’d spent two nights in prison and been fined a month’s trading wage. His short time in a cell meant that Joseph knew too well the horror that Aisleen lived in for six months. He’d told her he had barely survived the torturous worry that plagued him while she was in there. Aisleen had been enraged on hearing this, accusing him of having no idea what torture was. But the longer she was home, the more distant prison felt. Joseph’s constant and warm care softened Aisleen and she developed a sense of sympathy for what he’d suffered. She understood how much he worried about her and should have realised this would be too much for him. Aisleen touched his hand.

  ‘I’m sorry, but I ached too strongly for my sister and my mother, and I had to know. I had to know how they were.’

  Joseph took a deep breath and placed a hand on top of hers. It took him a long time to speak again. ‘I understand that. I wish I had been brave enough to find out for myself; then you wouldn’t have put yourself at risk like that. I’m sorry.’

  In the months after her prison sentence, Aisleen had begged Joseph every day to ask around town about her mother and sister. To find out how they were doing. Joseph always shook his head and tolerated the slaps Aisleen unleashed on him for his refusal. But one day, after months of harassment, Joseph broke. He had grabbed Aisleen’s wrists and spoken firmly. ‘The Enforcers told me, very clearly, that if I attempted to visit your family or even enquire about them, they would hang us both and force your mother and sister to watch.’ He rolled up his sleeve to show her the worst of his burn scars. ‘They made it very clear.’ When he’d let go of her wrists, Aisleen had collapsed and sobbed until her body was hollow, grieving the last thread of hope she’d had to connect with her family. They hadn’t spoken about it since.

  ‘You have no reason to feel guilty.’ Aisleen squeezed Joseph’s hand and smiled. ‘It was my burden, and my choice to try for a final time to lift that burden. And I did. It comforts me no end to know that Mary is happy. Having a baby! And even Mother … I had imagined far worse. I’m grateful she’s at peace.’ She touched Joseph’s forehead, trying to iron out the wrinkles of concern. ‘You don’t have to worry, nothing is going to happen to me.’ Joseph pulled her hand from his forehead and kissed it. Aisleen’s hand tingled where his lips had been and she glanced up at him, considering for the first time since they’d married what it might be like to kiss him.

  ‘Promise me, please, Aisleen. Promise me you won’t go to Mary again?’

  Aisleen held his gaze and easily lied. ‘I promise.’

  The women brought blankets with them that night. It was spring, but there was an icy bite to the evening breeze and they didn’t want to freeze as they sat together. All rugged up and cosy, the women chatted about their week, just as they had during their past four gatherings. It was still just the five of them. Aisleen had been planning to ask the women tonight to try to spread the message to other women, if it were possible. But after her morning with Joseph, she decided against it. For now, this group would remain small. Mary was telling them how uncomfortably pregnant she was beginning to feel, with swollen ankles and an aching back.

  ‘But it also makes me excited,’ she said, rubbing her belly. ‘It’s coming closer.’ Aisleen grinned to cover the pang of sorrow she felt. She knew it wasn’t likely she’d ever get to meet her niece or nephew. And she also knew that once Mary had the baby, she wouldn’t be coming to these gatherings. Aisleen would miss her all over again.

  ‘I have an idea,’ Aisleen said, the thought still forming in her head as she spoke. ‘Can everyone touch the crystal?’ The women looked at her quizzically but obliged, all leaning forward on their knees and touching their fingertips to the crystal. A sudden warmth tingled Aisleen’s fingertips and spread through her hand and up her arm. She knew from the gasps of the other women that they felt it too. The crystal seemed to glow a little more brightly and she felt the oddest sensation sweep through her. Like she wasn’t quite there – similar to that moment between sleep and waking, as though she had a foot in two worlds. ‘Sisters, close your eyes. We are asking the magic within this crystal to fill us, to protect us, and to keep us safe from harm. But we are also asking the crystal to help other women. Women from all places and from all times. To connect us and strengthen us.’ Aisleen’s heart was racing; she didn’t know where these words were coming from, but they flowed from her. ‘This crystal will share its magic, our magic, with all who need it.’ Aisleen removed her hand and then held Mary’s and Amelia’s hands, signalling for the rest of the women to join in. ‘Let’s take three deep breaths together. Let’s breathe in the magic!’ As Aisleen filled her lungs, she felt light-headed, euphoric. She closed her eyes and saw something she couldn’t explain. A woman with dark hair dressed in strange clothes, in a place she didn’t recognise. The vision disappeared as quickly as it came and by the time she opened her eyes, Aisleen couldn’t conjure in her memory what the stranger had looked like, but she knew she’d seen her. The women laughed at themselves for getting so caught up in the moment.

  ‘Magic crystals, truly Aisleen, only you could make me do something so silly.’ Maeve shook her head.

  ‘Where did all of that come from?’ Amelia asked. ‘How did you know we should touch the crystal like that?’

  ‘I don’t know. It was just a thought and then … The crystal was so warm, did you feel it?’ The women nodded and agreed that the crystal shone more brightly as well. They pondered possible explanations for a while, settling on the likely cause that their own warmth spread through the crystal.

  When their blankets no longer kept the chill from their bones, the women decided to finish the meeting and hugged each other goodbye. As usual, Mary and Aisleen waited until th
e other women had left so they could take their time saying goodbye.

  ‘What did you mean about women from different places and times?’ Mary asked.

  ‘I honestly don’t know. The words just came out.’

  Mary tilted her head as she studied the crystal in Aisleen’s hands. ‘There’s definitely something magical about it,’ she said, running her fingers over the crystal’s surface.

  ‘I think so too.’

  Mary hugged her then, kissing her cheek and saying goodnight. ‘Thank you, Aisleen. I like the idea of magic protecting us all,’ she whispered, her hand on her stomach.

  Aisleen was watching Mary waddle slowly home when a name came into her mind: Anna. Aisleen racked her memory. Did she know of an Anna? Aisleen couldn’t think of anyone, or why she would suddenly think of that name. She was so lost in thought as she walked through the woods towards her home, she didn’t notice that someone was following her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  ANNA SAT ON her bed, staring at the broken pieces of the crystal. Tomorrow was Friday and she would have to face Nina and somehow explain. She could just tell her the truth, but she felt careless to admit that she’d left the crystal under her bed as though it wasn’t important to her. Anna held the smallest piece in her hand, thinking about the details she could remember from her last dream. Aisleen was being followed by someone who wanted to harm her, Anna could tell. The moment she’d woken up, Anna felt the urge to warn her. But the insanity of that made Anna feel stupid. Even after almost a full week with the crystal, she was no closer to working out what was going on with the strange visions and dreams. All she knew was that Aisleen and her home, Quarrendon, felt real.

  ‘Quarrendon.’ The unfamiliar word rolled from Anna’s tongue. She repeated it. Where had she heard that? Was it during one of her dreams? Picking up her phone, Anna typed various spellings of the word into Google. Her first few attempts autocorrected and she ended up with information about quidditch and quarries. But on her third attempt, Anna sucked in a sharp breath.