by Jan Spiller
Gaining Emotional Maturity
Due to a lack of nurturing over many lifetimes, Cancer North Node people are often emotionally immature. One way this manifests is that they can easily become attached to a person’s presentation—their image, beauty, or youth—rather than looking for the emotional depth that holds the possibility for lasting satisfaction in relationships. They often settle for a superficial connection that meets their mental pictures, rather than take the time to develop a true emotional bond with the other person.
Their lack of emotional maturity is also evident when they appear to not really care about others’ feelings. They may be kind by nature and they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but if it happens, they don’t lose any sleep over it. They’re missing a “sensitivity chip” in their personality, so they don’t really have the empathy to feel bad or guilty when others are upset. They don’t intentionally hurt anyone, but they do intend to get their way, so they justify it. It’s another way they avoid feelings and continue to relate to others from their head instead of their heart. And since the feelings aren’t acknowledged or dealt with, the other person doesn’t feel close to them, because until the Cancer North Node person embraces the dimension of feelings, there’s a whole stratum of human experience that’s missing from the interaction.
The emotional immaturity can also be seen in their tendency to react in extreme ways to anything they construe as a sign of rejection from those who are close. For example, one of my clients with this nodal position was buying a condo in a location close to her family. One visit, her father hesitated about picking her up at the airport due to scheduling problems. She thought: “If he’s not sure he wants to go out of his way for me, fine—I’ll take care of it myself!” Rather than risk facing a moment of what she perceived to be non-support, she bought her own car. When others ask the native to do something, Cancer North Node people almost always figure out some way to come through—even at the expense of their own wants and needs. So when others don’t drop everything to help them out, these natives tend to close off and go their own way.
If they perceive that they’re not being taken care of, it blocks intimacy, because the native thinks: “They don’t really care about me. I needed some support and they didn’t come through for me.” Then they pull away from that person in order to protect themselves emotionally. They’ll still spend time with that person and will even help out, but there is a part of them that shuts down on a deeper level. It also blocks intimacy for the other person, because if the native’s needs aren’t met right away, they just take charge, and then their partner feels: “Well, I’m not that special to them. They’re so self-sufficient, they don’t need my help.”
What actually happens is that others often don’t feel as competent as the Cancer North Node person. This is why the native needs to be willing to see beyond their own immediate feelings of rejection and get more information so they can better understand the other person’s situation. Then things can be worked out with mutual sensitivity and support. For instance, maybe my client could have taken a later flight when her father could meet her; she needed to listen to the logistics behind his hesitation. The Cancer North Node person’s innate competency actually allows them to openly invite feedback to find a resolution that works for all concerned. By being willing to work it out together, the process becomes happier for everyone involved.
Another way Cancer North Node people demonstrate emotional immaturity is when they are totally focused on other people’s behavior—or others’ reactions to them—instead of focusing on their OWN inner feelings and reactions. They are learning to tune in to—and communicate—their feelings about what’s happening, rather than immediately react from judgment or anger about the other person’s response. For instance, if someone has a negative reaction to something a Cancer North Node person has said or done, the native feels anxious. Then they deal with their anxiety by trying to evade or control the situation—often through anger or withdrawal. Although the other person may back off, the native is still stuck with their anxious feelings, because the situation hasn’t really been resolved.
Until they become conscious of this dynamic, others may feel that they have to constantly go out of their way to adapt in order to have a relationship with these folks. They are afraid that if they express their opinions or preferences, it will upset the native and there will be a reprisal. For instance, if someone says: “I don’t really want to eat barbecue tonight, I’d rather eat Italian,” the native’s response may be defensive: “What? You think I’m stupid because I want to eat barbecue?” When they perceive the differing ideas, wants, and needs of others as a personal threat, they end up feeling out of control and unsafe and the other person feels discounted—a dynamic that blocks intimacy.
Cancer North Node people are learning to give up their demand for outward compliance and adopt a willingness to approach another’s individual differences as an opportunity to create closeness by supporting their preferences. They tend to fear that they won’t be able to reach their goal if they take the other person into account. But it’s actually in the native’s best interest to learn to let go of the anxiety they feel when someone doesn’t do what they say, or expresses preferences or desires that deviate from their own. Other people’s wants and needs are not a threat to their goal. In fact, by taking them into account, the journey can be more fun for everyone involved, and it allows an opening for intimacy to be experienced.
Becoming Vulnerable and Authentic
Cancer North Node people are hypervigilant to rejection, because the experience of abandonment is often a painful part of their history. Since any perceived sign of rejection triggers their abandonment fears, they tend to let little things pass rather than risk being authentic with others in terms of their feelings and moods. They are afraid that discussing feelings will lead to a confrontation where they will be blamed, abandoned, or rejected. As a result, the energy from their suppressed emotions causes them to become anxious and insecure.
This pattern can create a vicious circle where they continue to discount their own feelings, avoid others’ feelings, and ignore any disharmony until there is an abrupt response from the other person. Then the native may react in an extreme way. They either become fiery and use anger to gain control of the situation, or they withdraw and reject the other person out of fear that they are going to be abandoned. Ironically, it’s not being vulnerable and authentic that sets them up for rejection. If they share their feelings and maintain an awareness of the emotional atmosphere between them and the other person, they can demonstrate their caring by asking questions that invite their partner to reveal themselves as issues arise. In this way, they create safety for themselves and others.
These people are also likely to have a childhood history where their feelings were discredited. Unfortunately, many of them were so hypersensitive that they closed down the vulnerable, emotional part of themselves—and now others can have a tough time getting close. They long to share their feelings, but believe that if they do they will be discounted by the other person: “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Or “Feeling that way isn’t ‘right’.” For these natives, “being correct” is very important, and the thought of someone criticizing their feelings evokes tremendous insecurity. So instead of sharing their feelings, they may try to create intimacy by pleasing the other person. They think: “If I please them, THEN they’ll be more sensitive to me, care more about me, and won’t abandon me.”
For example, a Cancer North Node client discovered that her husband was having an affair. She couldn’t stand the fear of being abandoned, so instead of sharing her feelings of hurt and betrayal, and probing the discontent that led to the affair, she took control of the situation by reading books on sex and dressing differently to try to please her husband. She started being sexually aggressive toward him—which he loved. She did what it took to get his mind off the other woman, but in the end she was doing all
the work and their sex life wasn’t satisfying for her. After two years she found she felt tired and resentful. She attained her goal of keeping her husband, but since she wouldn’t risk dealing with the emotional aspect of the situation, the relationship wasn’t based on anything real and could not develop deep feelings of reciprocity, nurturing, and intimacy.
Trying to please their partner instead of risking honest communication blocks intimacy, because if they don’t share their feelings, their true self is invisible to the other person. This causes distance and tension, because their partner can feel that something is being held back. The other person knows that something isn’t right and becomes frustrated—they can’t fix it or give the native what they need because they don’t know what’s wrong. There can’t be any intimacy because the Cancer North Node person is handling the relationship superficially. Then it becomes just a facade: Both parties may maintain the routine and fulfill their responsibilities, but it’s not a meaningful relationship that provides the warmth and joy of intimacy and nurturing. They are learning to acknowledge insecurities, rather than trying to control situations so that the insecurities will never arise. This creates the closeness they desire.
Until they become conscious, their unexpressed feelings can block the native’s energy and self-expression and they often become depressed. They may feel as though something heavy is squashing them. Their challenge is to overcome their fear that the other person won’t understand them and risk being totally honest about their own feelings—and in dealing with the other person’s response. However, they may be so certain that their partner is going to take it the wrong way that instead of approaching objectively—“This is something that I want us to work on because this is how I feel”—when the native finally risks sharing their feelings it may be from a defensive stance. Then their fears become validated when others respond to them as if they are fighting, or take it personally and pull back. Also, sometimes the native thinks they are sharing feelings, but has slipped into their “control mode” and are actually giving instructions instead. For instance, if they have recently lost a dog and are very upset about it, they may tell their partner: “Don’t mention the dog,” rather than share: “When you talk about the dog I feel so upset, it’s hard for me to work.” If they explain what’s going on with feeling words, from a position of vulnerability, it opens the space for the other person to willingly support them, rather than feeling like they’re carrying out orders.
In this lifetime, Cancer North Node people are learning to trust that feelings have nothing to do with being right or wrong—they are a tool for connecting with others and experiencing our shared humanity. And it can’t be a one-way flow of communication, but a process of revealing your feelings, and hearing how the other person feels in response to that. In order to create intimacy, there needs to be an emotional connection based on authentic sharing of oneself, and acceptance that what the other person says is also true for them.
Creating a Sense of Equality
When someone around them becomes upset, Cancer North Node people usually try to smooth it over or find some other immediate solution, because being in the midst of unsettling emotions stimulates their feelings of incompetency. Sometimes it may seem like they’re playing God, trying to take responsibility for other people’s feelings so they can feel safe, everyone will be content, and further upsets will be avoided. Also, this discounts the validity of the other person’s feelings and blocks intimacy, because others don’t really want to be deprived of their emotional experiences.
These folks also block intimacy when they are overfocused on their own agenda and goals. If their partner wants to do something different, their first instinct is to resist because they don’t know how to deal with the feelings that arise when someone suggests something new. This is partly due to their anxiety about not knowing how to work things out with another on an equal footing. But negating the other person’s idea may actually deprive the native of the opportunity to reach their goals through an unexpected route. And it blocks intimacy, because the other person feels discounted and less than an equal partner in the relationship. Intimacy requires a sense of equality that comes about through sharing feelings, which allows for mutual empathy and understanding. But if the native is controlling everything, the relationship can’t develop on an equal footing.
Unconsciously, these people believe that if the other person does exactly what they tell them to do, that person loves them. And until they become conscious, if someone wants or does something different than what the native has in mind, it’s “wrong.” They are learning to relax and understand that even though something isn’t their way, that doesn’t make it wrong, and that dictating the behavior of another person doesn’t constitute an intimate relationship. It’s not healthy, and lacks the equality that can create a satisfying flow of reciprocal nurturing and Love.
Cancer North Node people are discovering that it is the feeling of mutual respect that creates a sense of equality—for them and for the other person. They are learning to become more aware and respectful of others’ needs, desires, and feelings, and to take the time to work things out with their partner in order to create a healthy relationship.
Until they realize this, the experience of Cancer North Node people is that they perpetually feel their basic emotional needs are not being met, which all too easily leads to constant fault finding with their partner. One client with this nodal position reported that when her mother had a mini-stroke, she left her husband a message explaining that she was at the hospital and had everything under control. Then, when he came to the hospital later that day, she was upset that he hadn’t come sooner. What happened was that she was having a lot of feelings in the situation and had really wanted her husband to be there to comfort and support her. But instead of letting him know, she suppressed her feelings and then complained about his behavior.
The idea is for these people to become aware of what their partner can do to support them, and then communicate it in a timely manner. For instance, my client could have left her husband a message saying: “I’m having a lot of feelings about this and I need you to be here with me.” Then he could have satisfied a genuine need on an emotional level, and the situation would have produced a sense of equality and intimacy for both parties.
Creating a sense of equality in their relationships is a bottom-line issue for these people, because without it, they will never be able to experience the joys of intimacy. By risking vulnerability and openly sharing their feelings, they create the possibility for experiencing a true emotional connection with the other person and open the door to a flow of mutual understanding, empathy, caring, and acceptance.
Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships
One difficulty for Cancer North Node people in sexually intimate relationships is that they are so geared to reach goals that they often regard emotions as being a time-consuming distraction. Although this may be true in some business situations, in personal relationships they are learning that it is essential to include the realm of emotions. In business, success is attained by defining a goal and strategizing how to get there. Sometimes it is appropriate to withhold certain information in order to achieve the goal. For instance, at an interview it makes sense not to volunteer the fact that you are broke or that you feel inadequate to the challenge of the job description. You step up to the plate, play the role, and deal with your insecurities on your own.
However, intimate relationships can only be truly successful if both parties are paying attention to feelings and honoring the moment-to-moment integrity of the process. The goal itself is to be sensitive to the feelings of their partner and maintain clear and honest communication, not withholding information—or taking action—in order to reach some external goal. For example, if a Cancer North Node person is exploring a new personal relationship, they may view establishing a commitment or the sexual liaison as goals to be achieved. In the process, they may not gi
ve the important feelings that could make the relationship a worthwhile opportunity to develop. If they are focused on attaining these “goals,” their timing will be off, and even if they reach their goal the emotional connection required for true intimacy may be lost.
A better approach would be for them to ask their partner: “Do you feel emotionally ready to go to the next level of involvement?” It is even more essential for the native to stay in touch with their OWN feelings. These folks have deflected their need for emotional closeness for so many lifetimes that they can lose touch with their internal “affinity Geiger counter.” As a result, they may not even know how they feel about someone, which makes it difficult for them to be open and creates doubt and confusion for both parties. Since these people are so sensitive to any sign of disapproval or abandonment, it is vital that they feel an emotional bond and a sense of safety with their partner before taking the relationship to the physical level. Otherwise, when the sexual component is added, these deep fears can become overwhelming. Once they truly get to know their partner and to feel if there is a base of compatibility and mutual support, they can relax and allow the process to evolve naturally into its own authentic outcome.
If a Cancer North Node person gets upset and decides the relationship isn’t going to work, they can be very controlling about it. They may disconnect emotionally and become cold and withdrawn, and not even be receptive to the other person’s willingness to make changes. The other person just feels cut out—there’s nothing they can do to maintain the flow of nurturing emotional energy that could heal the situation. All relationships are faced by challenges. If the exchange of emotional nurturing isn’t there as the reward, then neither person will want to do the work required to make the relationship successful. By withholding the emotional bond, the native inadvertently guarantees that the relationship won’t be satisfying for them or the other person.
