Thankful for his comments, I threw my gear into the pile and jogged off to the showers. When I got done, I came into the locker room, still grinning to myself after such a good performance.
The smile slid off my face when I reached for the phone that was waiting for me in the locker. There was a text from Nicole. “Tomorrow’s no good after all. It will have to be tonight. Skype me asap.”
I was exhausted. And I felt guilty all over again. I tried to shake off the feeling. Tonight was the night. I might as well get everything over with. I only hoped I didn’t destroy Nicole in the process.
No, I thought. She probably feels the same way and is worried she’ll hurt me. The knot in my gut slackened. That’s it, my inner voice whispered. Just be gentle and part as friends. With that in mind, I headed home.
Katie
Exhausted as we both were by the end of the day, I invited Emma over for dinner and some unpacking that night. “I can’t,” she explained, looking genuinely upset. “I’ve got a date with Ethan.”
“You mean Oliver?” I asked.
Her pale face turned scarlet. “No. I mean Ethan. I’m still sort of seeing both of them.”
I opened my mouth, but before I could comment, she jumped ahead. “They’re both aware of it. It’s not like I’m cheating or being dishonest or anything.”
“Are you leaning toward one guy or the other?” I wondered.
“Trying not to.” Emma sighed. “I haven’t dated much. I talked to my mom about the… predicament, and she said there was no harm in dating both of them for a while. As long as things don’t get to… serious, and as long as I’m honest with them. She told me, ‘Emma, you need experience, and you need to know what you want and what you don’t want. You can’t discover that if you jump into a serious relationship right away.’”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. It sounded like good advice. I mean, that’s what guys do all the time—date around. But now, things are just getting complicated.”
“With your sister?” I asked.
Emma sighed again. “No. Abby’s fine. Dating some guy from her work. I didn’t even need to ask her. She called me and said, ‘I know you’ve always secretly wanted Ethan. I’m over him. Go ahead and marry him, if you want.’”
“That sounds a bit harsh,” I said.
“Yeah,” Emma agreed. “But it is something I’ve wanted to explore for quite some time, and I’m not going to hold myself back anymore.”
“Good for you!” I said, giving Emma a hug.
As she left for her date, I looked at my phone. I felt like calling someone, but wasn’t sure who. The truth was, I really wanted to talk to Liam, but that was out of the question. Then, I thought about Amber. Much as she had hurt me, I still missed our friendship.
There was a yoga class tonight. I missed going, but didn’t like the idea of going alone, especially since Amber might be there. Then, I thought of Becca. True, she was a lot like Amber, but she was also really generous, and I never had a bad time hanging out with her.
I decided to text her. “Hey, Becca,” I wrote. “Noah’s teaching yoga tonight at 5 at the Wellness Center. The class is beginner to intermediate. Want to come with? I thought we could go for coffee after.”
Seconds later, my phone chirped. “Sounds fun,” she wrote. “See you there!”
Amber wasn’t in class, and I felt relieved as I unrolled my mat next to Becca’s. That was until Noah came over. “Hi Katie,” he said. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
I nodded, and we moved to a more private corner as the other students continued to come in and get set up. “Have you seen Amber lately?” Noah asked. His grey eyes looked almost tearful. “She hasn’t been in class, and she won’t return my calls.”
“Ummm,” I hesitated. Should I tell him about Ben and Amber? I wondered. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I didn’t want to lie, either. I finally decided on being vague. “We had a falling out, so I haven’t seen her outside of work.”
He ran a hand over his blond beard and looked down at the floor. “Was it Ben?” he whispered.
“Yeah,” I said. “Did you know?”
“I knew she was seeing someone else.” He shook his head. “Once, I saw her and Ben out together, having dinner. I suspected, but she told me I was crazy. I didn’t… I didn’t want to say anything to you since I wasn’t sure.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad I eventually found out on my own.” I put my hand on Noah’s shoulder. “But I’m sorry for you, Noah. I didn’t realize what you had was serious.”
His lips curled into a sad smile. “It wasn’t… at least on her end. But we had potential. We balanced each other out, you know? We could have been great together. That’s the honest truth. I practically begged her not to throw all that away.”
Nearly everyone else was already seated in lotus position, waiting for the class to begin. Noah looked around the room slowly and nodded. “Well, now I know. That’s the important part.”
I patted him on the arm and moved to my own place before class started. My heart broke for him, though. Noah’s teaching never just focused on the poses we were performing. Of course, he discussed having a better mind-body connection, but I had also heard Noah talk about the importance of things like loyalty, integrity, and altruism. He was a stand-up guy. It was unfortunate that Amber had chosen Ben, who wasn’t even sure how he felt about her.
Emptying my mind during yoga had never been my strong suit, and I was certainly no good at it during this particular class, either. “Hey,” Becca whispered, just as I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate. “What was that all about?”
“Long story,” I whispered back. “I’ll tell you later.”
Noah’s voice was soft and shaking as he began class. “We are going to do a series of poses for heartbreak, today,” he said. “This is a good practice to use when you are hurting from a fight, a breakup, or even the loss of a loved one. We feel such upset and loss not just emotionally, but in our bodies. Physically letting the grief go is a healthy part of practice.”
Noah moved into the first posture, and I could see a tear tracing its way down his cheek. “I will begin with Vajrasana Variation, also known as the Thunderbolt Pose. Then, we will continue into a series of lunges, and we will finish the practice with a set of restorative poses.”
The session was nearly silent as we moved from one position to the next. Then, when we reached the restorative poses, Noah passed around large pillows for us to rest and lean into. After a few minutes, I heard one woman in the back of the studio softly crying. As I relaxed into the pose, I let go and joined her. My tears weren’t angry or bitter, but seemed to flow from my exhaustion.
It felt as if my heart had been ripped to shreds more than once, and until I fully made the mind-body connection Noah was always preaching, I didn’t realize how much I’d been holding in. It was as if all my blocked-up emotions rushed out of me.
Relieved and nearly falling asleep, I dragged my head up when Noah rang his chimes, indicating class was over. Everyone filed out of the room, stretching and yawning. I told Becca I’d be there in a minute, and then went up to Noah and gave him the hug he clearly needed. “Thanks,” I said. “I really needed that.”
“Me, too,” he smiled, though he still looked forlorn.
Becca put her arm around my shoulder when I came through the door. “You want to talk over coffee? Or are you too tired.”
I considered a moment. “Not too tired. More relaxed than anything.”
We walked across the street to Java Joes. “I know you probably don’t want to discuss this again,” Becca started, “but Amber called me. She told me the whole thing.”
“About how I found them?” I asked.
“Yeah. For what it’s worth, it sounded like she felt horrible about the whole thing—not just what happened, but what she… you know, what she said.”
I thought about seeing Amber’s haggard face at the faculty meeting. “If she calls you again,” I said, “tell her I fo
rgive her. I can’t have her in my life anymore, but I forgive her.”
Becca nodded, and we ordered our drinks. As we sat down, she changed the subject to my other, more recent heartbreak. “So, did you ever hook up with Liam again? You two got pretty hot and heavy at my party.”
This, I honestly did not want to rehash, so instead of answering her question, I said, “He has a girlfriend.”
She snorted. “Yeah. A perfectly awful one who lives five hours away and who he only sees like three times a year.” She rolled her eyes. “You oughta go for it, girl. Liam is hot, hot, hot.”
“How do you know she’s perfectly awful?” I was curious, but tried to keep my voice calm.
Becca flipped her long, blond hair and gave me the side-eye. “So, you are interested. Good for you. You deserve a guy like Liam after all you’ve been through.”
“A guy like Liam?” I asked. “You mean, a guy who would let me think he’d broken up with his girlfriend just so I’d hook up with him?”
She shook her head. “That doesn’t sound like Liam. My guess is that he tried to cut things off and Nicole wouldn’t let him.”
Now, it was my turn to smile. “Is she really that bad?”
“Yes.” Becca nodded definitively. “I had my eye on Liam in college. We hadn’t gone out or anything. Just a little bit of flirting here and there. Nicole knew I liked him, but when she met him, she sort of….” Becca paused, trying to come up with the right words. “She took him over. That’s the best way I can put it.”
“Took him over?”
“I’m not saying I had a claim over Liam. We weren’t even dating, so I didn’t begrudge the fact Nicole went out with him. What I did mind was that she didn’t really seem interested in him at all until after he lost weight and started working on getting fit.”
“He mentioned he was pretty out of shape as a kid,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant. Honestly, I was eating up every word Becca was feeding me.
Becca nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t really care about that kind of stuff.”
“Seriously?” This surprised me because Becca herself was always thin, toned, and practically perfect looking, even though she was always baking and feeding goodies to everyone else.
She shrugged. “It’s nice and all, but it’s not the most important thing.” Becca had a dreamy look in her eyes, and I wondered whether she was thinking of someone in particular.
After a moment, she shook it off. “Anyways, once Liam got fit, Nicole sunk her hooks in. Before he knew it, they went from casually dating to practically moving in together. She picked out his classes and rearranged his schedule to match hers. It was crazy.”
“Sounds a bit controlling.” I was secretly dying to hear more.
“Totally,” Becca agreed. “Nicole told me she had a ten-year plan. Date Liam, get into med school, move in together, finish her residency, get engaged, and get married. Then she said she had a second ten-year plan that involved home ownership, three kids, and starting her own family med practice.”
Becca took a long sip of her ice coffee. “Girl is ambitious, I’ll tell you that. I couldn’t even tell if she honestly liked Liam, to be honest. All I knew was that Liam fit into her plan and seemed willing to go along for the ride.”
I thought about this. “And then I came along and screwed things up for them?”
Becca laughed. “No way! I thought they were through last year when she went away for school. Even planned on hooking up with him myself, and got plenty liquored-up for it, too! I’d waited for Liam for years, and I thought I finally found the courage to go for it.”
“So, why didn’t you?” I shouldn’t have still been interested in the guy. I practically told him to get out of my life, but if something did happen, I didn’t want a repeat of Amber and Ben.
Becca groaned. “I puked on him.”
I practically spit out my coffee, laughing. “That was Liam? Oh, my gosh. I had no idea.”
She laughed along, and I didn’t feel as bad for my reaction. “Yeah. That was Liam. I had just broken up with Logan. Nicole told me she and Liam were practically over, and she was eyeing up a new guy in her med program to continue her twenty-year master plan with. I thought I’d give it a shot.”
“So, why don’t you try again?” I wondered.
“No way.” Becca said. “Even if it wasn’t for what happened, I realized it wasn’t meant to be. He’s still a good friend, but we’re way different people now than we were in college. Anyway, I met someone. Maybe. I’m not ready to talk about it just yet, but I think it could really go somewhere.”
“That’s great, Becca,” I said.
She smiled, and her whole face lit up in a more open, honest way than I’d seen it before. “Yeah. And, I’m thinking of quitting my job. Maybe starting my own company!”
Becca talked about her new possible business venture for the next half hour until we were both talked out and ready to go. “I’m really glad we did this,” I said. “We should hang out more often.”
“Totally!” she grinned. “And don’t forget what I said about Liam. I saw the way he was looking at you on Halloween. You don’t just get chemistry like that very often. Especially not with a guy as awesome as he is.”
Becca’s words rang in my head as I drove home. Mostly because I felt like she was right. I had never had chemistry with anyone the way I had with Liam, and his conversation was as easy as his body was sexy. Was I throwing away a once-in-a-lifetime man over a misunderstanding? A knot formed in my stomach. I wasn’t sure anymore.
Liam
“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Nicole screamed into the computer monitor.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I still care about you. I really do. But as a relationship, this just isn’t working for me anymore. To be honest, it hasn’t worked for a while.”
“This isn’t working for you anymore?” Nicole yelled. “What the hell is that supposed to mean, Liam?”
I scrambled, trying to explain. How had I convinced myself she wouldn’t be upset about this? I wondered. Of course, she was upset. More than upset. Furious. “Nicole, think about it. When is the last time we had a real conversation? When is the last time we actually talked?”
“I’m in school, Liam. You know this. And the answer is, we talk all the time.”
“Not really,” I said. “We chat quickly. And half the time we do talk, we argue. I’m tired of living my life walking on eggshells, wondering what’s going to cause the next big blow up! It’s making me miserable. When we’re not fighting, we have cybersex… sort of, sometimes. But we don’t share our feelings anymore.”
“That’s what you want?” Nicole’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “You want to share your feelings?”
I ignored her tone. “I want to share my life with someone, Nicole. You’re not here. I’m not there. More than that, you have a plan—a very specific strategy. A design for a life that I don’t see myself in anymore.”
“A plan you’re fucking up right now,” she cut me off. “And you don’t even know the whole thing.”
A sigh escaped my mouth. Nicole glared at me. “What whole thing?” I asked, knowing I’d regret it.
“The whole thing. The whole life plan.” She crossed her arms, defiantly. “Like, did you know I arranged to transfer next semester? Just so I could be closer to you?”
“No, I—”
“No, you sure didn’t,” she cut me off again. “Because I was going to surprise you at Thanksgiving. I’m transferring to Greenville University in January. It’s literally thirty minutes from your stupid firehouse.”
“Oh,” I said. I had no idea.
“Ohhhh,” Nicole mocked. “Yeah. I didn’t go there before because I got waitlisted. I originally planned on enrolling in classes there, moving in with you, and continuing our lives together. Then, I got fucking waitlisted and had to come to this God-awful school out in the middle of nowhere.”
At the time she was applying to schools, I had suggested goin
g to Greenville, but Nicole had immediately shot down the idea. She said it was “beneath her” and “didn’t have the depth of coursework as Eastern University,” where she was now.
“Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t get in?” I asked.
“I did get in.” Nicole rolled her eyes. “I just got waitlisted. I had to prove I could do the work. I have. Now, I’m in. And all my classes are already picked out. And my parents know. And I found us an apartment.”
“You found us an apartment?” I shook my head. “Wait. No. One thing at a time. Why didn’t you tell me about not getting in before?”
She shrugged. “I was embarrassed, obviously. I wanted to be with you. I had everything all figured out, and when it didn’t work, I floundered. I picked Eastern U. because they were on trimesters, and I figured I could see you more, or at least for longer periods of time. Instead, my classes were more hectic and more condensed.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted. “I wish you had told me all this a long time ago.”
“I know. I know,” she said. “But it doesn’t matter, right? Because now, everything is going to change. I’ll be at a new school. We can move in together. We can spend weekends together, not just holidays. You can help me study—”
“Nicole, I’m sorry, but that’s not going to happen.” I tried to keep my voice steady. It was killing me, doing this to her.
“What?” Now, her voice moved from anger to tears, and I could tell she was about to cry.
I licked my lips, trying to form the right words. But sometimes, there are no right words. Sometimes, you just have to break someone’s heart, and no matter how nice or kind you try to be, they’re still going to be hurt. “I just…” I paused, “I just don’t feel that way about you anymore. I care about you, but I’m not in love with you.” The truth was, I wondered now whether I’d ever really loved her. I didn’t know. Never in our whole relationship had I felt about Nicole the way I’d felt for Katie in just a few days.
“There’s only one reason you wouldn’t wait until Thanksgiving to do this in person, Liam. I know it. Who is she?” Nicole was crying now.
Hot & Heavy Halloween (Hot Holidays Book 1) Page 15
