by Tyler, Q. B.
“I asked a question. Why are you here?” I briefly wonder what time it is, so I reach for my phone that’s still plugged in and note that it’s just after 4 AM. I stand, stretching my exhausted, aching body and usher her out of the room so that we don’t wake Bennett. Although, being in the room with him was probably the only thing keeping her from yelling at me for staying all night.
“Lys…” I trail off, wondering what she could be scolding me about. “Wait a minute, I called you almost five hours ago, and you’re just showing up? And you call yourself my best friend,” I remind her as I cross my hands over my chest.
“I was in back to back surgeries, and it’s not like he died.” She scoffs. “It couldn’t be that easy.” Her brown eyes narrow and she gives me a pointed glare.
“Lys!”
“Relax, I’m kidding. Besides Wren gave me the rundown.” Despite the start of Wren and Alyssa’s relationship which consisted of late night screwing in the on-call rooms of this very hospital, Alyssa worked at a different one across town to keep the temptation at bay. “Amnesia is common.”
“He thinks we’re together, Liv.”
“So I heard. Is that why you’re here, sitting at his bedside like a good little wife? Where’s the wicked witch of the Upper East Side?” Her hands find her hips as her eyes dart down the hallway, waiting for Caroline to manifest.
“She left.” I ignore her comment about why I’m here.
“Shocker.” She snorts. “That doesn’t exactly answer my question about you, though. Why are you here?”
“Who else would be here? His father’s dead, he’s an only child, and his family is pretty small. His mother called his uncle and aunt in Brooklyn, but to your point, he’s fine, so I guess they didn’t feel the need to come. I didn’t want to leave him alone. He’s freaked out.”
“And? We’re supposed to be angry at him, remember? Cheating? Girlfriend? Divorce?” She holds her fingers up to tick off each of his infractions.
The sting of those words feel like a thousand knives piercing my heart. He has a girlfriend. The very one he cheated on me with. “He still wears his ring, Alyssa.”
“What?”
“His ring. He wears it around his neck.” I take a step back and begin to pace in front of the door. “That has to mean something, right?” The thoughts I’d had since I felt that familiar ring in my palm come flying out of my mouth before I can catch them.
“I…” she starts before she freezes. “No. I’m running on like four hours of sleep, I’m not going down this road of he loves me, he loves me not.” She tucks a fallen strand of hair behind her ear and shakes her head.
Annoyance blooms in my chest. “We know he loves me,” I snap at her.
“And you said that wasn’t enough and made me swear to you that I would hold you accountable to that.” She points at me.
“Did I mention you’re doing a hell of a job?”
“Which is what you wanted! Why are you acting like this? Does this…change anything?” Her question is identical to the one my subconscious has been asking for hours. This changes nothing!
“I didn’t say that! I’m just saying, it’s startling that he’s still wearing his ring while he’s running around New York with that tramp,” I grumble as I stomp towards the bench and sit down. Anger beats down on me as I think about Bennett with her.
The sound of the elevator makes me look up just as Wren rounds the corner. I almost want to avert my eyes, because Wren and Alyssa are…like me and Bennett once upon a time. Affectionate and passionate and unashamedly so. “I came as soon as I saw your page.” He barely has the words out before she’s in his arms and they’re locked in a heated kiss. I look away, attempting to give them the privacy they don’t care much about having when I hear them speak.
“I’ve missed you today,” I hear her say and then the sound of another kiss.
“It’s been a crazy fucking day, as you can imagine.”
“Right, he thinks they’re together? It’s already fucking with her head.”
I realize this is probably a time for me to chime in, so I stand and make my way over to them. “It is not!”
“Yes, it has, and if it’s not, I give it ‘til the first time he calls you Livi.”
A flutter ripples through my stomach as I remember the way my nickname rolled off his tongue, the way it used to. “Oh, he already did.”
“God, no wonder you’re asleep at his bedside. He’s already sucking you back in!” Alyssa exclaims.
“He is not! But I was with him for almost nine years and we’ve been apart for six months. I’m allowed to still have feelings for him, Alyssa. You have no idea what I’m feeling. And now, he’s hurt and he doesn’t remember anything. He’s looking at me how he used to look at me. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him we weren’t together. When I told him he cheated on me. I’ve seen him devastated. And this is right up there with losing his dad.” I shake my head at my best friend who I know means well, but frankly coupled with my extreme physical and emotional exhaustion is irritating the shit out of me. “I’m not taking him back or thinking everything’s fine just because he can’t remember. I’m not so delusional to think we can just pretend it never happened because he doesn’t have any memory of it, but I’m allowed to feel confused, Alyssa. Stop judging me over it.”
She takes a step back, her demeanor drastically shifting before my very eyes. Fuck, now she’s upset. “I’m not judging you, Olivia. But he broke your heart and I had a front row seat to it. I would never judge you, but I’m not going to sugarcoat anything with you either.”
Wren hangs back, listening intently but not intervening. He’s in a tough situation being best friends with my estranged husband and married to my best friend. Sometimes I want to wrap him in a hug and apologize for the fact that he’s very much caught in the middle.
“Listen, it’s late,” he interrupts, as he sees Alyssa shutting down. He wraps her in his arms and presses a kiss to her temple. “Baby, you’re running on no sleep and so am I. I have rounds in two hours though, so I’m going to just grab a nap in the on-call room.”
“You’re not even coming home with me?” Alyssa turns in his arms and a pout finds her lips. The exhaustion must be weighing on her too because I note her eyes become glossy.
“I just…I need to be here for this.” He nods towards the door. “He’s like…my brother.” I feel my lips turning up in a smile over Wren’s ability to always want to do good by everyone.
“Wren…”
“Lys, I know how you feel about him, believe me, I do, but not only is this my job, but he’s family. So, I’m going to go take a nap in the on-call room. You’re welcome to join me.” He presses a kiss to her lips and gives her a side smile. “You know which one.”
She puts her hands on her hips as he walks away. “Leave the door unlocked,” she calls after him and a giggle falls from my lips as Wren holds a thumbs up over his head. She turns to me and her eyes float to Bennett’s room. “So, you’re staying?”
“Yeah, just until…I don’t know, he can go home. Or he’s more settled. I would hate for him to be here all alone, confused and hurt. And yeah, Lys, I love him. I’m angry and hurt but those feelings haven’t gone away yet. I’m trying, though. I swear.” I bite my bottom lip. “I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.” Fresh tears swim in my eyes as the pain of all the loss I’ve suffered in the past two years comes barreling towards me. It hits me like a tidal wave, pulling me under and knocking the air from my lungs, when suddenly I feel relief—my lifesaver in the rocky waters of my life.
Alyssa’s arms wrap around me and she squeezes. “I know, Liv, I know,” she murmurs. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through.” She pulls back and rests her hands on my shoulder before cocking her head to the side. “You’re the strongest person I know.”
“Hardly.” I snort.
“You are, and I’m sorry I was insensitive before. I just want you to be happy.”
&nbs
p; “Me too. But it seems to be a foreign concept to me lately.”
“You will be again. I don’t care if I have to drag you there kicking and screaming. We’ll get you there.”
“Thanks, Lys.” I look down the hallway and give her a smile. “Now go get laid.”
The next time I open my eyes, light is streaming through the tiny window in the corner. We are high enough, that the buildings aren’t completely blocking the sun, allowing me a view of blue skies. The tightness in my neck is even worse and I can already feel my skin screaming for not taking my makeup off the night before. My eyes feel dry and weak, so I blink them several more times trying to create moisture when I hear his voice, quiet and sensual floating all around me.
“You stayed.” I pull my head away from my fist that it had been resting against for most of the night and meet Bennett’s gaze. I see the guilt in his eyes, as if he was the direct cause of my discomfort. “That chair does not look comfortable.”
I flex my hand that feels numb and the tingles shoot up my arm as I shake it out slowly. “It’s okay. How did you sleep?”
A small smile finds his lips. “Do you ever complain about anything?” He shakes his head. “I still remember that awful fucking hotel we had to get last minute when we were driving to Connecticut to go skiing.”
I remember it too. The snow was coming down so bad, that the roads were undrivable, so Bennett and I pulled into a small hotel that looked like a setting from a horror movie. It was small, it didn’t smell particularly welcoming, and it looked even worse. I wasn’t pleased, but we had a bottle of whiskey and each other so I was perfectly content in that tiny hotel room. I scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom, and we spent the night fucking in the shower because nothing about the bed screamed get naked here.
Again, the trip down memory lane comes at me hard and fast and my heart thumps in my chest as I recall the happier times. I had spent much of the six months recalling all of the bad times, disallowing myself from remembering anything happy or good because I didn’t want to think I’d potentially made a mistake. “I—” I start, my heart has completely taken over, shutting my brain off momentarily. I’m prepared to engage in his memory, recalling how he’d walked a mile in the snow the next morning to find us coffee that wasn’t complete trash before I even woke up. That’s why I never complained, because he always made things so easy for me. He never wanted me to experience discomfort. The words are on the tip of my tongue when the door swings open.
“Bennett!” The tone is shrill and it’s not only ear-splitting, but I feel like the split in my heart further deepens as I see her moving through the door quick as lightning. “Oh my God, Bennett.” She rushes to his bedside and puts her hands on his chest and it’s like a bad car wreck I can’t pull my gaze from. Her blonde hair is curled and styled perfectly, but her face is completely void of makeup giving her a fresh faced glow. She still looks flawless. Did she actually wake up like that? Bitch.
Thoughts of how perfect they look together flood my brain and my insecurities begin to take form, loud and aggressively. They look better together than we ever did. They looked like Barbie and Ken.
Perfect. Gorgeous. All American.
I wipe under my eyes and smooth my dark curls back, hoping that I don’t look too crazy having just woken up not too long ago.
Of course, I would run into my husband’s girlfriend while I’m unshowered and looking like God knows what.
The movement must catch her attention because she turns towards me. To her credit, when her eyes find mine, she pulls away from him like he’s on fire and swallows hard.
I stand, preparing to give them some privacy, even though I know it’s the last thing Bennett wants, when his voice floods the room. “Who the fuck are you? And who do you think you are barging into my room like that?” His eyes pull away from her to me. “Sit,” he growls, though beneath the command, I can hear the plea. Don’t go, please.
“Bennett…” she starts. “I know that you’re struggling with your memory, your mom called…” she says nervously, her hands completely dropping as she fidgets.
“I told her to inform you not to come. So, either she neglected to tell you that, in which case I’m sorry that you wasted your time, or she did tell you and you chose to ignore it, in which case I am not at all sorry for what I’m about to say to you. Get the fuck out.” Her mouth drops open before she sinks her teeth into her lower lip. Her teeth are just as perfect as mine, and I briefly wonder if her lip biting does the same thing to Bennett as mine does.
“Bennett…” I start. And I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. It’s somewhere between, let me go, and tell her to go.
“Livi, don’t start. Maybe you’ve come to terms with this, but I have not and all I see is one of the reasons we’re not together.”
Tears swim in her blue eyes as she takes a step back and her gaze finds mine, for what, I’m not sure. Help? Sympathy? She can’t possibly be asking me for that. I look away, and I notice her shoulders deflate in my periphery.
“You and Olivia aren’t together, Bennett.”
“I’m well aware of that, not that it’s any of your fucking business what goes on between me and my wife.”
I hear a sigh leave her lips as her cheeks turn pink. “I thought seeing me would…”
“Help? Well, your hypothesis backfired. All you’ve done is successfully piss me off.” I turn my gaze back to them. I’ve known Bennett for a long time, so I can see how irritated he is. She, on the other hand, has known him for less than a year, which means she’s probably not getting the hint.
She runs a hand through her hair and cocks her head to the side making me wonder if this is how she gets her way with my husband. “Why are you being like this…? This isn’t you.”
“I’m being like this because you thought you could show up here and ambush me, when I’m sure my mother at the very least informed you that Olivia was here.”
“She…didn’t.” She shakes her head nervously before her eyes flit to mine again.
“Well, now you know, so maybe it’s best that you go. And in case it wasn’t obvious, it’s over,” he growls.
“What?” Her eyes widen to the size of saucers as her gaze shifts back and forth between me and Bennett.
“Surely you couldn’t think that you and I were going anywhere. Even if I wasn’t in this position,” he says as he points to his hospital bed, “our relationship had an expiration date. No one marries their fucking rebound or fling, give me a break.” He grits out and even I wince at the harshness of his statement. “I’m still wearing my wedding ring, and Olivia is still the background of my goddamn cellphone, you knew what this was.” My heart skips a beat at the mention of the picture I was thinking of last night. So, it’s still there?
My head spins at his revelation and I let out a breath. I need out of this room. His words and her presence is just too much for me, especially this early in the morning. “Bennett, I’m just going to step outside to—”
“Don’t,” he growls at me and my eyes widen.
“No, you don’t. I don’t have to sit here and listen to you argue with your fucking girlfriend.”
“She’s not my—”
“She was!” I bark and I’m out of the room before he can respond.
I don’t need this, even if he is in the process of breaking up with her, seeing her face made me irate and while a part of me squealed with glee over the fact that he was ending it with her, it didn’t stop the voice inside of me that told me that eventually he would regret it once he had his memory back.
I’m alone with my thoughts for all of two minutes when the sound of the door closing interrupts my racing mind. I look up to find Amanda, tears streaming down her face.
“He’s…he’s never talked to me like that before.”
“Should I… feel bad?” I cross my arms defensively.
She swallows hard and looks around the empty hallway. Maybe for witnesses. And I can see that she’s struggling wit
h what to say. “No…I…he told me he loved me. Before this. That he’d never met anyone like me. He wanted to get married.”
The words are like a shock to my entire system. A harsh, painful shock that I wasn’t expecting. “He’s still married to me,” I grit out.
“When…when you were officially divorced, we talked about it. Us moving forward”
Bullshit, I think. But is it? My mind questions. “Why are you telling me all of this? What’s the point?”
“I love him.” She has the decency, if I can even call it that, to look contrite when the words leave her lips.
Inhale. Count to ten. Exhale, my therapist’s voice speaks calmly in my ear. I listen. “I didn’t take him from you.” I don’t mean for the words to come out harshly but I hear the bite in my tone.
She bites her lip and looks down away from the icy gaze I know to be shooting from my eyes. “I know, I just…I don’t know this Bennett.”
Of course, you don’t. This Bennett belongs to me.
I don’t say anything because I don’t want her to know how much she still makes me crazy. She knows where we stand, and going off on her again won’t do anything but give her power. The art of indifference. It’s something I’ve learned as I’ve gone through this process. Control your emotions. The less you show, the less power you relinquish. I blink a few times as if to say anything else?
She doesn’t say anything and I’m preparing to make my exit when the door opens again and Bennett is standing in it. “My dismissal wasn’t so that you could come out here and harass my wife,” he bites out and I note that he’s still hooked up to his IV but that he’s dragged the pole from his bedside.
Amanda’s eyes sweep to his. “You’re being an asshole.”
“Then it should be easy for you to get over me.” His lips form a sneer, and I watch her crack completely in front of me, as if she’s finally succumbing to the humiliation of this breakup. She lowers her head and moves down the hallway. I follow her with my eyes until she’s out of sight before I turn to Bennett who looks completely defeated. He doesn’t say anything before he turns his back and goes back inside his room, giving me a glimpse of his bare ass despite him trying to keep his hospital gown closed with one hand. I can’t stop the feelings of lust coursing through me seeing that perfectly sculpted ass that I used to be very familiar with. Fantasies of gripping it, digging my nails into the skin as he plowed into me flash through my mind. God created perfection when he created Bennett Clarke’s ass, I’ll give him that. I follow behind him and stand in the doorway, unsure if I want to enter or leave.
