by Amy Ruttan
How much he wanted her.
How much he needed her.
You need to get a grip.
He shook his head and headed downstairs to get a cup of coffee. The moment he hit the landing, he could hear Derek laughing. He glanced over the banister and saw that Derek was sitting with Pearl on the large sectional couch, in front of the fireplace.
It made his heart skip a beat.
Derek was curled up beside Pearl and she was so cozy with him. She looked happy as Derek was building a three-dimensional puzzle of the Empire State Building.
It looked totally natural for Pearl and Derek to be sitting on the couch together, building a puzzle, and Calum couldn’t help but think of the child they’d lost.
“I’m totally freaked out, Calum. How are you not more freaked out?” Pearl had demanded.
“I am freaked out,” he said, but really he couldn’t stop smiling.
“You don’t look freaked out.” She ran her hands through her hair. “I can’t be a mother!”
“Why not?” he asked.
“I don’t know anything about kids or babies or anything. I mean, I guess I could treat a sick child or a baby, but... I’m not the maternal kind of person.”
He held her close. “You totally can be.”
“My mother is insane.”
“I hardly think she’s insane.”
Pearl laughed nervously. “Okay, but...this is not what I wanted.”
“I’m okay with whatever decision you decide, but I’ll help you. I’m here and I’m sure we can do this together.”
“I think so, too,” she whispered. “Still, I’m not sure I’ll be the best mother.”
“You’ll be great.”
And it was clear from the way that Pearl was with Derek that she would’ve been great. It made him sad to think that they didn’t have a chance to experience it with their own child. He never had a chance to prove that his instincts about Pearl were right.
Their baby would be around the same age as Derek and he couldn’t help but ponder what their child would have been like. He often thought about that when he saw Derek, but he tried not to think about it too much.
Don’t think about it.
He had almost had everything he wanted, and then it was taken away. And what did he know about having a family? He didn’t have any kind of home life growing up. How could he be a good father?
All his life he had worked hard to get his father’s attention and it had gotten him nowhere.
He had no role models and that’s what got him through his grief.
That he would never be a good father and maybe it was for the best.
Was it?
He came down the rest of the way and sidestepped the living area, where Derek was busy with Pearl, and headed straight for the kitchen, where Jerome was leaning over the island, holding a cup of coffee.
“Where’s Dianne?” Calum asked, pulling down a mug and helping himself to coffee.
“She had to run into town. There was a landslide last night—there’s been so much rain in the foothills and they called in everyone they could. She should be back soon.”
“You look exhausted,” Calum said, taking a sip of coffee.
“Look who’s talking,” Jerome remarked.
Calum snorted in response. “I tossed and turned all night, but I didn’t hear Dianne leave.”
“She left about three.”
“Do you think the hospital needs help?” Calum asked. He wouldn’t mind driving into town and helping out.
“No, Dianne texted about ten minutes ago and she’ll be home in a couple of hours. You know, we may be smaller than San Francisco, but we do have coldhearted surgeons out here.”
Calum laughed. “Really? I had no idea.”
“Smart-ass,” Jerome mumbled.
Calum finished his coffee and then headed outside. He needed to take a walk, but when he stepped outside there was a thick layer of fog and it was misting. He didn’t really feel like getting soaked if it started to rain, and the temperature had dropped.
So he took a seat in a chair under the covered deck.
“Hey, I thought I saw that you were up.”
He looked over his shoulder and saw Pearl standing in the doorway. She pulled the door closed and stepped outside. She had an oversize sweater and a wrap on, but was barefoot as she padded across the deck and took a seat beside him.
“Aren’t you cold?” he asked, staring at her feet.
“No. It’s warmer here than New York.” She tucked her feet up under her. “I was hoping to go for a walk.”
“Me, too, but I don’t fancy getting caught in a cold November rain.”
“It’s not November,” she stated. “And it’s warm.”
“I know, but I don’t know a song about rain in the autumn other than that one.”
She grinned and her eyes lit up. “I loved that song.”
“I remember. It’s also one of the songs you like to sing when you’ve imbibed too much. The rubber chicken would sing it better.”
She groaned and buried her head in her hand. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
“Probably not.” He then proceeded to yowl, in a really bad impression of her that got her laughing.
“I do not sound that bad.”
“I’m afraid you do. You’re an excellent surgeon, but a terrible singer.”
“You’re not that great yourself. And you’re a terrible dancer. You have no rhythm.”
“What’re you talking about?” He got up and started dancing, which made her reach over and hit him.
“Stop that! You’ll scare Derek.” Then she pulled out her phone, which was buzzing, and frowned when she saw it. “Oh, no.”
“What’s wrong?” Calum asked.
“It’s George. I know Dianne didn’t want me talking about work, that it’s supposed to be a holiday, but George isn’t tolerating the chemotherapy well. His mother is texting me.” Pearl texted George’s worried mother back.
“Tell her I’ll call the oncologist, we’ll do a blood draw and I’ll get his dosage changed.”
Pearl nodded and Calum pulled out his phone and sent a message to the oncology team at the hospital. His oncologist, as if expecting this, already had done the blood draw. Calum went over the lab report and sent a message back about how to proceed.
Their oncology team was one of the best in San Francisco, but there was a certain procedure to the treatment plan that he’d developed and Calum was the one that had to do the adjustments.
“There, that should help George,” Calum said, finishing up his text. “The oncology team is going to keep me posted, but you can tell George’s mother that we’ll get it under control.”
Truth be told, it was worrying him that George wasn’t handling the protocol well, but he wasn’t going to say that out loud and he didn’t really need to—he could see the worry in Pearl’s face.
“So Dianne told me that you’ve helped build this house,” Pearl said, changing the subject.
“Yeah, I found I like renovating. My place in San Francisco is an old Victorian home, but she was pretty much condemned when I bought her. I’ve been slowly fixing it up. Most of the house is inhabitable, but I have a small apartment in the top of the house where I live comfortably.”
“What’re you going to do with it when it’s done?” she asked. “Are you going to stay there or flip it?”
“I don’t know. I like living near the hospital, but I also like it out here. I really enjoyed my time here with Jerome as we worked on this place. Still, I like where I work, and I took over Dr. Chin’s practice. I’m not sure I could give it all up to move out here.”
And, really, who did he have to give it all up for?
No one.
“It’s beautiful out her
e,” Pearl said. “I’ve always loved log cabins and the forest, but my parents aren’t exactly nature lovers.”
“You don’t say?” he teased.
“My dad thinks he’s rustic living on a big piece of land that overlooks Puget Sound. He has some trees, but the house is a modern eyesore in the middle of nature and he’s never there, but he has a new wife and they have a couple of kids.”
“I didn’t know that you had half siblings.”
“I do, but I’m not really welcome.”
“Then why do your parents argue over who you’re going to visit every holiday?” he asked.
“My father does it to annoy my mother and for control. He likes to be in control and he likes all the attention on him. That’s the only reason. My father’s new wife doesn’t like me and, trust me, the feeling is mutual.”
“So they both fight over you, a grown woman, in order to make each other miserable.”
“You got it,” she said.
“That’s messed up.”
Pearl laughed. “You have no idea.”
“I think I have an idea. You are aware who my father is, right?”
“I am aware and that is true.” She stood up. “Looks like the rain and the fog is letting up. I think I’m going to go for a walk, after all.”
“Would you mind some company?”
What’re you doing? That’s not keeping away from her.
“Sure.”
“All right, I’ll grab my jacket and we’ll take a hike through the woods. I know where all the trails are.”
* * *
They got their jackets and Pearl’s shoes and headed outside, leaving Derek and Jerome behind to watch cartoons. Derek was excited about going to Mountain View’s Founder’s Day parade that evening, though Pearl did not share his excitement.
She really detested parades, but it was nice hanging out with Derek.
If her baby had survived, she’d probably be taking him or her out to different holiday parades and just the thought of never being able to experience that made her sad.
Don’t think about it.
She didn’t want to get lost in those kind of thoughts. Not today. She was just trying to make it through this weekend without things being too weird.
She knew that she probably shouldn’t be going on this walk with Calum, but it would be nice to have company, especially company that knew their way around Dianne and Jerome’s property. Calum was waiting out front for her. He was wearing a leather jacket and hiking boots. She was glad that she had brought a pair of boots, too. Her sneakers or heels weren’t going to cut it in the woods.
“You ready?” he asked.
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Hopefully this hike isn’t up the side of a mountain or anything.”
“Hardly. It’s easy, I promise. And besides, you’re used to climbing mountains in heels in San Francisco.”
“True.”
They fell into step and Calum led her down the drive, where there was a small dirt trail off the driveway that disappeared into the woods. She hadn’t noticed it last night because it had been too dark, but it looked like a fairly easy, groomed trail and was wide enough for a horse.
“Don’t tell me Dianne goes horseback riding?” she asked.
“No, but she lets other riders from around the area use her trail system, so you might have to watch for horse patties.”
“Fun.” And she really hoped she didn’t find a present from a horse.
It was a beautiful day and the sun was starting to come out and melt the last remnants of the fog and mist.
It was nice to walk with Calum. It felt so right. She wished that she could hold on to this. She still wanted him. She loved being with him, here.
Even after all this time.
When he reached out and took her hand, touched her face, it had reignited something deep inside her. Something she thought was long gone, but she’d been kidding herself to think that it was gone. It would never be gone. Not where Calum was concerned.
“About last night,” she said, stopping.
He paused. “What about last night?”
“You asked me if I wanted to marry you when I was...” She trailed off, because she couldn’t even bring herself to say that she was pregnant once. It was hard to even admit something so painful. “The answer is...yes. I wanted to marry you.”
His expression softened and he took a step closer to her. “You did?”
“Well, I didn’t want to marry anyone ever, but... I wanted you, Calum.”
And she still did.
She still wanted him. She still loved him. Even after all this time. Even though she wasn’t really sure what love was.
He didn’t respond to that. Instead he closed the gap between them. His hands were in her hair and she was pulled into a deep kiss. The moment his lips touched hers, it ignited that burning passion that was always simmering below the surface.
Her body remembered him and she pressed herself against him, holding on to him, afraid to let him go. This time she didn’t want to run.
She was so enraptured by the kiss, his lips against hers, hungrily claiming her, that even the ground was shaking beneath her feet.
Wait. The ground is shaking.
Calum broke off the kiss and held her tight. “It’s a quake.”
“Right.”
Calum held her—there was nowhere for them to go in that moment. They just stood there, on ground that suddenly didn’t feel so solid. It felt like they were standing on a big bowl of Jell-O, but as quickly as the shaking started, it was over.
Calum let go of his hold on her and they just stared at each. She was not really expecting the earth to move quite that much.
“That wasn’t too bad. I just hope it’s not a foreshock,” Calum said, but she could hear that his voice was shaking.
“I forgot about earthquakes and I hope it’s not a foreshock, either.” Pearl couldn’t look at him. She was embarrassed she had let down her guard, but also, she was still a bit rattled by the quake.
“We’d better get back and see if Jerome and Derek are okay.”
“Right,” she said nervously.
He took her hand without thinking and they walked quickly off the trail and back up to the house. Everything seemed to be fine, but Jerome was standing on his deck holding Derek, who looked a bit shaken, too.
“Thank God. I was worried about you two,” Jerome said, setting down Derek, who still stuck close to his father.
“We’re okay,” Calum said.
“I turned on the police scanner. There doesn’t seem to be too much damage yet and Dianne texted that she’s on her way home.”
“Can I go back inside, Dad?” Derek asked.
Jerome nodded and Derek ran back into the house.
“We were wondering if it was a foreshock. It was strong, but didn’t feel that deep like a real quake,” Pearl said. She had grown up in California and was used to some real doozy earthquakes.
“Let’s hope not. Let’s hope it was just a tremor,” Calum said.
“Fingers crossed,” Jerome said.
It was then a car came up the drive and Jerome let out a sigh when they saw it was Dianne’s car. Pearl felt a surge of relief, too.
Jerome greeted his wife and they hugged and kissed. Pearl was envious and she couldn’t help but think about the kiss in the forest with Calum. It had come out of nowhere and though she shouldn’t have let it happen, because they were only supposed to be friends, she had wanted it, too.
In fact, she wanted more, and it terrified her. It thrilled her, but scared her, too, how much she still wanted him. How she lost all control around him. She pulled back her hand, realizing that she was still holding his hand. He looked at her.
“You okay?” he whispered.
“I’m fine.”
“Look, about what happened...”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to explain anything else. I’m okay. It’s all good and we don’t have to talk about it anymore.”
A strange expression crossed his face. “Right. We don’t have to talk about it.”
And he walked away, up the stairs into the house, and Pearl sighed.
When was she ever going to learn?
* * *
Just as Pearl expected, the nighttime Founder’s Day parade in Mountain View was crowded and she hated it, but what she liked was seeing Derek’s excitement and she liked watching Calum with Derek.
He had Derek on his shoulders most of the night and they were laughing and following the parade, with Dianne and Jerome.
Calum was so good with Derek and she couldn’t help but wonder what he would’ve been like with their own child. A lump formed in her throat as she thought about it. About how her life could’ve been so different.
So much better.
She also couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. Even after the parade ended and they all went back to the ranch. She just couldn’t stop thinking about how good it was to be in his arms. How his lips felt against hers. The way he made her blood heat with need. She loved when he held her. When he kissed her. Calum made her feel safe when his arms were around her and how she wanted to be there again, even if just for a night.
They never had their breakup sex.
Can you really just have one night with Calum?
And she knew she couldn’t. So it was good that it was just one kiss and they didn’t have to talk about it again.
Only she had to stop worrying and thinking about Calum, because when she woke up the next morning it was all hands to the kitchen to prep for a big Founder’s Day dinner. It seemed to be a weekend affair in Mountain View. Dianne’s parents were driving in, so there would be seven people for dinner and Dianne was not the niftiest in the kitchen.
Not that Pearl was, either.
She was on the sweet-potato-pie duty, which meant mashing the sweet potatoes and adding the most important ingredient—the mini marshmallows—and she took her job seriously.
