“I know, she left, but still.” Chris realized he wouldn’t get any more out of Jess about Drew, so he turned the radio up.
When they arrived at the base, he followed their usual routine and remained in the truck. She lifted her duffel bag out of the back, and he waited for her to walk by the driver’s side so they could bump fists. He winked at her as he revved the truck and she grinned. He wanted to tell her to be careful, not to be a hero, to make sure she returned because she was the only family he’d ever had, but he didn’t. He remained silent.
On the drive home Chris considered the plan he had for Jess’s life. He wanted more for her, more than they’d had as kids—she deserved a home, and a family. Her time in the army would be up soon and he hoped that she would plant some roots. That’s why he’d invited Drew over, and he was thrilled that they’d hooked up. Drew was a nice, normal guy; a relationship guy, not like the guys she usually slept with and discarded. He had a steady job and came from a great family; he had parents, sisters. Chris laughed aloud—Drew was probably too normal for Jess, but that didn’t change the fact that he’d be good for her. And maybe Jess was exactly what he needed too.
At eighteen and newly graduated from high school, Chris had worked three minimum-wage jobs so that he could pay rent to their foster parents and continue living with Jess, who was three years younger. He had always looked after her, protected her—when he focussed on Jess, it kept his own demons at bay. When she left to join the army to become a nurse, he’d moved out too and rented the second room in that small two-bedroom apartment with Drew. At twenty-one years old, he had realized his young dreams—to make money. He managed to save up enough to buy a used laptop, learned to code, and started designing and developing websites. Since then he had run a few dot com companies, and eventually got into creating apps. He had good timing, and in a few years, he had enough to buy a nice house with a pool in the north end of Toronto. He worked from home and didn't take life too seriously. He drank and partied with his friends and slept with lots of women.
On his drive back into Toronto he felt the familiar compulsion and couldn’t help himself. Even though he felt guilty and sick to his stomach about it, he detoured forty-five minutes out of his way, with traffic, to the poor downtown neighbourhood of their youth to drive past the small, dirty, white-sided bungalow with the crooked shutter: the house in which they grew up.
***
The slam of the front door startled Drew awake. He’d finally passed out cold on the couch at around four, his mind still swirling with thoughts of Jess, so close yet out of reach. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. When he’d reluctantly left Jess’s bed last night, he’d realized he was too drunk to drive home. He shook his head and wondered what she’d thought when she saw that he’d stayed; she clearly hadn’t cared enough to wake him up and ask or say goodbye. Memories of Jess returned. Her naked body, her beautiful eyes, her hips and how she…. He felt pathetic.
Chris called to him as he passed through to the kitchen. “Sorry, man, I thought you’d be gone by now. Don’t you have to work?” he asked as he threw his keys on the kitchen table.
“Jesus, what time is it?” Drew looked at his phone, “Shit. I have to go.”
“You owe me a box of condoms.”
“Chris, man…” Drew stood up and put on his t-shirt, “…look, I hope you’re not mad. I know she’s like your sister, and I had no intention of sleeping with her, but she—”
“She is my sister. And really? You’re going to blame her?” Chris crossed his arms and leant against the doorframe, pretending to be angry, but he was enjoying himself.
“No, of course not…it’s just… our friendship means a lot to me and I would never…wait…did she say something to you? Did she talk to you about it?”
“Yeah, of course. She said you were awful,” Chris watched the colour drain from Drew’s face. “Dude, I’m kidding. She said nothing.”
Drew let out a breath and continued, “Look, Chris—”
“I’m kidding, man. I was hoping you two would get together. You both needed to get laid.” He offered his hand to his friend and they shook. Drew looked at the floor.
“Has she ever wanted anything more than that?” he asked his friend quietly.
Chris studied him in mild amusement. “Not so far.”
“So, does she e-mail you or anything while she’s over there?” He already hated that she was away and that he couldn’t see her or talk to her or take her out properly or sleep with her again.
“Nope.”
“Nothing? How do you know she’s okay?”
“If I hear from someone, it means she’s dead. If I don’t hear, it’s good news. She calls for a ride when she’s coming home.”
Drew knew how much Jess meant to Chris, despite his present, flippant attitude. He picked up his car keys and cell phone from the coffee table. Chris opened the door for his friend and clapped him on the back as he passed; the two made plans to hang out in a couple of days.
Drew shook his head as he headed to his car, already late for work. He didn’t like Chris’s answer, or the fact that Jess was so far away. Not one bit.
Chapter 2
Jess reached for the woman’s arm and helped her onto a stretcher. She was clutching her obviously pregnant stomach, sweating, red-faced, and screaming. Jess donned gloves and motioned to the translator.
“Too much pain, something wrong with baby,” Taqi explained in his thick accent.
Jess rolled the woman onto her left side. “Ask her if her water broke.”
Taqi, who was no older that seventeen, looked at Jess as if she’d come from another planet. “Miss Jess?” he asked, his eyes wide.
Jess picked up a half-empty water bottle from a makeshift table and turned it upside down in front of the distraught woman’s face, looking at her all the while. The woman nodded furiously. Next, Jess performed a pelvic exam; the cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck. Carefully, she placed her finger between the cord and the baby as the doctor approached the bed.
“I’ve got the cord, Ryan.”
The distraught woman continued to moan. Another nurse pulled the curtain for privacy, placed a blood pressure cuff around the woman’s arm, and started an IV.
“Let’s prep for a C-section,” he replied as he placed his hands on the woman’s stomach.
An hour later, the team placed a beautiful, healthy, full-term baby girl onto the woman’s chest. Everyone was elated—a new life was a welcome relief in the clinic, which was otherwise rocked with trauma and death. But Jess left the celebration, feeling the familiar numbness she so often felt even in the wake of the most joyous moments. She stripped off her gloves and made her way to the wash station.
“That was great, huh Jess? Don’t see that every day around here.” Dr. Ryan Matthews was from California. He was tall and fit and handsome. He ran his hand though his straight, dark brown hair and pushed his black-rimmed glasses up as he looked at Jess for a response.
“Sure was,” she lied. She continued to scrub her hands as she glanced up at him; they had worked together for six years now and she knew something was on his mind.
“So…maybe you want to celebrate with me later?” he asked sheepishly. “Don’t tell anyone, but I managed to find two beers,” he joked; he shuffled his feet and looked at the ground. Jess looked at him again; she knew exactly what he was asking, and an image of Drew and their night together flashed unbidden in her mind. She quickly pushed it away.
Conversation was easy with Ryan. He was kind and patient and compassionate. Jess listened to him talk about home and his life there as they sat at one of the tables in the common room of the barracks as they’d done on many occasions, sipping their hard-won beers. The other staff talked and played cards all around as they tried to relax after their shift. The cool evening breeze seeped through the walls, a welcome relief from the hot day. Jess was comfortable with Ryan; he always treated her with respect. But this was the first time that he’d insinuated that h
e wanted something more than friendship, and she wondered, why now, after all this time? Maybe because their service was coming to an end.
A passing colleague commented on the beer and teased them about the unfairness of their having the only two beers in the compound. Ryan rebutted; Jess had saved the newborn today, so she’d deserved it. Jess looked down at the dusty floor, embarrassed by the attention and knowing looks. They had hung out like this most nights, but tonight he had asked ahead of time, and it felt like a date. She smiled at a funny story he was telling about one of his friends back home, and wondered if he was just lonely, like everyone else here. Jess never felt lonely; she loved the safety of being alone, just her and a good book. As the evening went on and everyone turned in for the night, she found herself alone with Ryan.
In the empty mess room, he rounded the table to sit on the bench beside her. He took her hand and Jess suddenly felt nervous and unsure.
“Jess, the truth is that I couldn’t stop thinking about you on our last leave. I missed being with you every day, working with you…” he laughed nervously. “I didn’t realize how I felt until we were apart the last time and knowing that it’s coming to an end…” Jess’s heart thumped with fear at his intimate words. All she could think about was Drew, again and again, and the passion that she had felt with him that night.
Ryan leaned in to kiss her and she let him. She felt nothing, but it made her forget about Drew for the moment. Ryan’s kiss was soft and sweet. He led her to his quarters.
***
Instead of just driving by this time, Chris parked his truck around the corner from his foster home. With Jess away, he was free to prowl there without fear of being caught. And lately, the urge to watch the house was growing stronger. When he was there, it calmed his restlessness for a short time. He chewed on his fingernails and watched the two young boys walk out of the front door with their backpacks, headed to the same school that he and Jess had attended. His body tensed and his hands clenched around the steering wheel. His face turned red with the rage that engulfed him. He had nothing against the boys of course, but his foster parents, Charlie and June…that was a different story. Chris remembered vividly being kept prisoner in that basement. Charlie had been paranoid that someone was coming to get him; he would peek out the window behind the curtains and scream at Chris to shut up and hide. The only time Charlie ever paid any attention to Chris was to yell at him for something.
Chris never knew his real parents and had been placed with Charlie and June at birth. They were in their forties then, and even as a child Chris thought they looked old and creepy with their matching long grey hair. Charlie worked sporadically at construction jobs and smoked like a chimney. He was as thin as a rake. Chris never understood how he wasn’t dead from lung cancer. He’d sure prayed for his death every night. While Charlie went off to work June stayed home and prayed to Jesus and watched soap operas. They were often short of money for food and rent. Jess, three years younger, arrived when she was seven; Chris remembered the day. He had overheard June say something about this being Jess’s third placement. How she’d been with a couple that couldn't have kids, but when that woman got pregnant, they decided they couldn't keep Jess, too. Even at ten, Chris knew that was low. June had said that she must have been a bad child to be given up like that, but not to worry; she would fix her.
Jess arrived with no belongings and no pictures, unlike most of the other kids that had come and gone over the years. A lot of them were reunited with their real families, but no one ever came back for him or Jess. Jess arrived filthy; her hair tangled. He knew she wouldn’t get treated any better living with Charlie and June, and when June told him to show her the ropes, Jess studying him warily with her big green eyes, he knew it was his job to look after her.
Chris wiped a speck of dust off the dashboard as he glared at the house. He was proud that he always kept his truck and his house immaculate, and that they were both paid for in full. Those two boys were the second set of foster kids to live there since he and Jess had moved out, and he despised how Charlie and June just continued to take kids in exchange for the next set of government cheques. He started his truck, cranked up the music, and drove away, the vein at his temple throbbing out a headache.
***
Drew tried desperately not to think about Jess, but without much success. When he got together with Chris, he forced himself not to ask if he’d heard from her, telling himself he already knew the answer. He agreed to coffee with the new girl at work and tried to appear interested as she talked. Drew didn’t have a large circle of friends; there were his two best friends from high school who he occasionally saw for drinks, but they both had girlfriends living with them and he always felt like a fifth wheel when they all hung out. Still, he kept busy, going to the gym, having lunch with his parents and visiting his sisters, playing cars with his four-year-old nephew. He cringed whenever a glimpse of the news reported a bombing, or a soldier killed in action. He fantasized about Jess’s return and their mind-blowing night together.
***
An hour into the drive home from Trenton on Jess’s second leave of the year, Chris could no longer wait to put his plan into action. “So, Drew’s been asking about you.”
Jess rolled and narrowed her eyes at him from the passenger side of his truck. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what? I’m not doing anything,” he said defensively and raised his hand, “I’m just saying he was asking and, you know, happy that you weren’t dead and stuff.”
“He’s a nice guy, and you’d better—”
“Yes, he is a nice guy. I agree.”
“Chris. I mean it. Mind your own business.”
“Okay. Okay,” he relented, “but, you know, you’ll be home for good in a few months and—”
“And what?” She was angry with herself over the guilt she felt about Ryan and how she’d thought about Drew, and already she was taking it out on Chris. “I can date your nice friend and buy a house with a picket fence and live happily ever after?” She hated when he focussed on her. She wondered how many times he’d stalked the house while she was away. “How do you know that I haven’t decided to take another deployment?”
“Have you?” he whipped his head around quickly to look at her, his eyes wide. All the nights he spent worrying about whether she was dead or not—the thought of her carrying on any longer threatened to throw him into a panic.
“Not yet, but I might,” she answered defiantly, even though she had no intention of doing so. The army had given her structure, routine, and a sense of family that she had so desperately needed. She knew it would be hard to let that part of it go, but she trusted her instincts when they told her it was time to move on. She was almost through her owed service, and the world was preparing to pull out of Afghanistan anyway. But she would not allow Chris, or anyone, to make decisions for her.
“You don’t owe them anymore, Jess,” Chris said quietly, frowning. He knew she’d had no other options when she’d graduated high school. She was determined not to end up pregnant or on welfare, like the statistics predicted she would, and the guidance counsellor had suggested becoming a nurse. Joining the army had been the only way to accomplish that, since there was certainly no money for tuition.
“What about you? Are you planning to party every night for the rest of your life? Were you at the house while I was away?”
Chris flinched for a moment but quickly deflected. “We’re not talking about me, Jess,” he said seriously. When his face tensed in that certain way and he lowered his voice, his eyes turning dark, she knew not to push any further. She’d seen the anger and the rage when they were kids. She’d watched how he punched the boys in the schoolyard until they no longer moved; how he left them lying bruised and bloody on the ground. They drove the rest of the way home in silence.
***
Chris unlocked the front door, stripped off his t-shirt and headed straight towards the glass patio doors for the pool. Jess dropped her duffel bag
and greeted an excited Mo as she watched Chris dive in. She knew he would pout for a while and give her the silent treatment. She picked up the leash from the hook on the wall and headed out with Mo to her forest oasis. After this week’s leave, it would be her last two months in the army. Then she would probably apply for a job at one of the local hospitals. She would have to find her own place, since she couldn’t live with Chris forever. They had been together since she was seven years old, and he was the only security she had ever known, but it wasn’t healthy for them to continue living together, especially not full-time. She felt anxious at the thought of civilian life, and especially of leaving him; her palms grew clammy and her heart beat fast as she watched Mo drink from the stream.
She was holding him back. When he looked after her, he didn’t have to look at his own messed-up life. He pretended to be perfectly content, but Jess knew better. She saw the sadness and the longing in his eyes. Chris was her family, and always would be, but it was time for them to separate.
The distant crack of a branch interrupted her thoughts and forced Jess to spin around. Her heart continued to race even as she realized that no one was there. The warm June breeze tickled her skin. The ghosts, recent and older, always found their way in and lingered. Mo whimpered and pressed her cold nose against Jess’s bare leg, and she reached down to stroke the dog’s fur. She made her way back to the house and sat down silently beside Chris on the lounge chair.
***
As Jess lay on her bed reading the next evening, her bedroom door partially open, she heard a knock on the front door.
“Hey man, what’s up?” She heard Chris’s voice followed by Drew’s. She slammed her book shut and suddenly felt paralysed; her heart beat swiftly in her chest.
“Not much. Just thought I’d stop by and see what’s going on, have a beer.”
Jess heard Chris laugh and mumble something as she got up to close her bedroom door.
Mine Page 2
