Drew froze and narrowed his eyes at his friend; fear filled his body and his heart raced as he realized where she probably was. His hands shook. He wished she would’ve called him; he could have at least gone with her. He looked at his watch. It was eight a.m. The clinic probably didn’t even open for another hour, he might have time to catch her before—but he didn’t know which clinic it was. He felt the sweat bead on his forehead and in desperation he pulled out his phone to call her. He squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t even know her phone number. This was not how he had imagined falling in love would go. He looked at Chris who was two steps ahead with his phone to his ear. “She’s not answering, man.”
Powerless, Drew ran his trembling fingers through his hair. With thoughts of Jess going through the procedure alone and of losing his child running through his head, he poured himself a coffee and sat at the kitchen table to wait.
***
Both men turned to the sound of the front door opening. Chris made eye contact with Jess as she entered the house; he knew immediately by the look on her face and turned and headed towards his bedroom. Jess’s tired eyes took in the terrified look on Drew’s face.
“Are you okay?” His asked, his hand outstretched. “I thought you were going to call me; I could have gone with you. Are you okay?” he repeated. “Do you need anything?” He placed a hand gently on her arm as he searched her face for answers.
“What are you doing here? I need to be alone, Drew.” She couldn’t believe he was here again. He withdrew his hand from her arm. He did everything right, and yet he infuriated her desperately. She turned towards her bedroom but in glancing back saw him fall on the couch in his misery. She stopped and turned. She knew she should tell him, but she needed time to figure things out. She wished he would just give her some time! She was enraged that he’d made her question the decision she’d known was right.
He looked up at her with his pleading blue eyes and stood. He looked pathetic. She wanted desperately to feel disdain, but all that came was a lump in her throat. “Don’t you have to work?” she fumed.
He shook his head. Her anger evaporated as she examined the defeated look on his face. She could so easily tell him that she had gone through with it. She could leave and start a new life, maybe out in California. Ryan had said that they were desperate for nurses there. She could have the baby there…. The thought of it coupled with the overwhelming emotions made her dizzy and she clutched at the doorframe of her bedroom to steady herself. Drew rushed across the room to help her.
She held onto him as the harsh reality set in. She was out of options. She hadn’t been able to go through with the abortion. She could never give up the baby for adoption. And the thought of raising and loving a child seemed insurmountable. She felt hopeless.
Drew stroked her hair and spoke softly. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay. I’m here. We’ll get through this together.” Jess put her chin on his chest and looked up at him, perplexed; she wondered what he meant by that. Even though he thought she had just aborted the baby that he’d asked her to keep, he was still here. “You need to lie down,” he said as though he’d just remembered something. He guided her to the bed. “What did they tell you to do? I’ll make some tea, are you in pain? Did they give you anything to take?”
Jess slumped onto the bed; he sat beside her and held her hand.
“I didn’t go through with it, Drew,” she sighed as she stared at the floor. Stunned as he was, he dropped to his knees in front of her in just the same way he had when he first found out she was pregnant.
The weight of the world that he’d been carrying suddenly vanished, and relief washed over him in waves. His mind spinning as he tried to process her words and figure out what they meant. He held her hands tight, feeling shocked and grateful and thrilled and terrified all at once.
“I don’t have a choice,” she continued resignedly, “but you do. You can leave right now and never look back. You can pretend we never met and that you don’t even know me. A couple of one-night stands doesn’t make you responsible for an entire lifetime of—”
“I don’t want that Jess and that’s not how I see you or us—”
“You can still have a normal life,” she interrupted, “and fall in love with a normal girl and—” Before she could finish his arms were around her and he had lifted her to standing. He bent down and kissed her belly.
“Thank you,” he whispered, “I’m so happy, you have no idea. And I do plan to fall in love with the right girl. I’m halfway there.” He held her in his arms as she stood motionless and numb, terrified at his intimate touch and words.
Chapter 5
After work, Drew stopped at a nearby strip mall and bought more flowers and a book about pregnancy and babies. Standing in line at the checkout, he felt hot and nauseous as he skimmed through it. He was terrified, but he also couldn’t remember feeling this sure about something in a long time. A woman with grey hair in line behind him saw his book and caught his smile; she nodded at him knowingly and told him congratulations, and that he was in for quite a journey. Embarrassed, he thanked her and paid.
As he headed to his car he thought about Jess and his heart swelled. He prayed she would stay with him and try to make this work; that their baby would give her a reason to try harder than she ever had before in a relationship. He looked down at his feet and paused for a minute to think before he got his keys out, but he refused to let the doubts creep in and ruin how he felt. He pushed them away, got into his car, and hit the Bluetooth button to call his parents and tell them the news.
***
Jess looked at the text from Ryan again. He had called her last week and when she hadn’t answered he’d started sending texts. He wanted her to come out to California for a visit before she got a job in Toronto. He was busy with his father’s family practice now and couldn’t leave. He wanted to talk—away from the war zone, where they had a real chance. Jess laughed to herself when she imagined the look on his face if she showed up there pregnant; he sure wouldn’t want her then. She thought about her own mother and wondered if she had gone through these same emotions. Was she afraid to tell the father? Did she know who it was? Did she think about an abortion too? She recalled the beer she and Ryan had shared that night and how he had looked at her…the thought of fleeing right now was tempting, to escape the reality of her situation. Maybe a little distance from Drew would be good, too. Give him time to figure out what he really wanted. He thought he wanted her and this baby, but she knew deep down it wasn’t true. She sighed and realized that wherever she went, this baby was coming with her. There was no escaping that.
Entering the kitchen and opening the fridge, Jess overheard Chris on his phone. She looked up to find his face was red and contorted with suppressed frustration. “I hear what you’re saying…no…I know, but I told you that it would take some time. It doesn’t happen overnight, and you have to be patient with—no, that’s fine. Listen, that’s your choice. If you want to pull out and go with someone else, well, that’s up to you,” he listened for a minute. “No, the fees are non-refundable, but what I can do is…hello?” Chris held his phone away and looked at it. “Well eff you too.”
“Everything okay?” Jess asked. She’d heard a few angry calls related to work lately.
“Yep. No problem. That guy was a pain in the ass anyway.” He grabbed a beer and walked out to the backyard.
***
Jess opened the front door to Drew and more flowers. She brushed off the rush of heat she felt whenever she saw him and resisted the urge to roll her eyes. He pushed past her excitedly and dropped the flowers on the kitchen table along with a book about babies.
“We’re starting over from here,” Drew stated confidently. Jess turned in the opposite direction, but he reached for her hands. “Oh no you don’t, come here.” He held her in his arms gently before leading her to the living room. Jess sat down on the couch and felt the blood pounding, her feelings increased by his confident tone and the pregnancy hormones. He sat oppos
ite her and smiled. “Do you feel that? I’ve never felt that before, have you?” There was no denying the chemistry between them.
Jess looked down, flushed. He lifted her chin and kissed her gently on the lips. She gave in—sex being as good a distraction as any—and ran her fingers through his hair as she returned his kiss with her eyes closed tight. She tilted her head back as he kissed her jaw line and down her neck.
“We’re going to do what we should have done on Friday…what I wanted to do,” he said firmly. He was desperate for her, but he pulled away abruptly. “But, first things first,” he pulled out his phone, “I need your phone number.” Jess laughed out loud as he grinned foolishly. She told him no. “I should probably have it, don’t you think? We’ve slept together twice and we’re having a baby, so I might have to text you or something.” He glanced around quickly and spotted her phone on the coffee table; he snatched it up before she could grab it and held it above her head while she tried to reach for it. A quick scroll and he had the number. “Too late.” He entered the digits into his phone and placed it back down on the table. “Now, where were we?” He picked her up in one easy movement and carried her to her bedroom, kissing her the whole way.
As she pulled his t-shirt up over his head his face turned from lustful to serious. “Tell me that you thought about me while you were away,” he said.
Jess had no intention of telling him about her dreams, and so she continued to undress him, and told him they needed a condom.
He smiled. “It’s way too late for that, Jess, my super sperm made it through the last time,” he joked. He had a fleeting thought about how this baby was meant to be. How they were meant to be.
She frowned and pushed him away. She felt a sudden, fiercely protective reflex towards the baby; she brushed her hand across her stomach.
Catching the gesture, Drew placed his hand over hers and pressed it firmly. “I would never do anything to hurt you or our baby. I promise. It’s just you for me now. No one else.” he whispered. He hoped it was the same for her. But she told him it was a condom or nothing.
When she tried to get up in the moments afterwards, he held onto her. He rolled on top of her and gently kissed her lips and her tender breasts. He pressed his face against her softening stomach and laughed as she rolled her eyes. Her six-pack was gone now, and he thought she was even sexier. After a few minutes of torturing her with his post-sex cuddling, he hopped out of bed, put his boxers on, and retrieved their phones from the living room. He pulled the covers back up around them and dialled her number; she looked at him strangely as her cell rang in her hand. With her eyes on his, she answered reluctantly.
“Hello, may I please speak to…” He held the phone to his chest and looked at her with a mock serious face, “…what’s your last name?”
She pursed her lips together to hide her grin as she told him.
“Yes, may I please speak to Jess Adams?”
Jess gestured with her hand to indicate that she was indeed present.
“Thank you very much. This is Drew Evans. Umm…we met about four months ago at your brother’s party and I was wondering if you would like to go out on a date with me?”
Jess hung up on him.
He only laughed out loud as if he had not a care in the world, much to her irritation. Drew propped himself up on one arm, bull-headedly determined. “So, how about tonight we get some food and just hang out and talk? I’ll plan a proper date for us soon.”
Jess looked at him oddly and rolled away. She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her shirt on over her head. “You must have something better to do tonight.” She had no idea what to do now that the sex was over.
“Nope.” He said in that same carefree tone. He sat up and put his arms around her from behind. “There’s no place I’d rather be,” he whispered, pushing her long dark hair aside and kissing the back of her neck. Shivers ran down her spine without her permission. “I want to see you every night to make up for the time we were apart.”
She cringed. The thought of spending every night with anyone made her feel claustrophobic.
Drew sensed her hesitation and he didn’t want to push, but the last thing he wanted was to be alone in his empty apartment. He had been alone for too long. His last relationship had ended more than a year ago and he was ready for more, the whole thing, with Jess. “Why don’t you tell me what you had planned tonight, and we’ll go from there.”
“Well…” she hesitated as she turned to face him. She looked into his eyes; he was so sincere, and she could tell that he was really trying. She wasn’t used to that. Being alone made her feel safe, since no one could hurt or neglect her then, but she remembered that most people don’t want to be alone; that they already feel safe and they want to be with someone else. That was normal. “I received a job offer today so I have to reply…” She’d applied for a job at Toronto General. She had applied to the O.R. because she preferred the technical aspects of nursing as opposed to the emotional side. She was more comfortable when the patient was sedated and unconscious; interacting was too unpredictable. Besides, the transplant centre and cardiac/thoracic surgery they offered had piqued her interest, and it seemed the best fit with her experience overseas.
“You did? That’s great! Where?” He was relieved at this latest confirmation that she wouldn’t be leaving again, to Afghanistan or somewhere else. He wasn’t sure what her plan was, and he didn’t want to push. He slid on his shorts and t-shirt and they headed to the living room while she told him about the job and how orientation started in a few days.
“Do they know you’re pregnant?”
“Yes, I told the nurse manager. They’re pretty desperate for nurses right now.”
“Well, they’re lucky to have you with all of your experience. You can handle anything that comes through the door.”
Never having had anyone praise her in her own childhood, Jess was uncomfortable when he complemented her work. She shook her head as if to dismiss his words. “It’s a completely different world. It’ll take some getting used to.”
“For sure, but you’ll be fine. You’re so resilient,” he said as if he knew her. He smiled and kissed her on the forehead, then frowned as he said, “You won’t be working full-time, I hope.”
She raised her eyebrows at him.
“That’ll be hard, won’t it? On your feet all day, shift work, nights?”
“Women work while pregnant these days, Drew.” She lectured, smirking.
“No, I know. I just mean…”
“This baby will need things and if I work full-time, I will have benefits and maternity leave.” Jess realized she hadn’t thought about this until now and a wave of nausea unattributed to morning sickness washed over her.
“I just mean you don’t have to kill yourself. I make good money. You could work part-time and still take as long as you need for maternity leave.”
“I don’t want money from you,” she frowned at him, taken aback by his suggestion. People didn’t offer help without expecting something in return. She didn’t want to owe him—or anyone, for that matter.
Before he could respond the front door opened and Chris walked in with two bags of take-out. He smiled sheepishly at Jess. “Hey. Are you still mad at me? Because I got Chinese, so you can’t be upset for too much longer.” He winked at her and glanced at Drew.
Jess glared at him and reached for two plates out of the cupboard, then looked at Drew and grabbed one more. Drew grabbed two beers and a water from the fridge and couldn’t help but feel a little jealous as he watched the easy rhythm Jess and Chris had as they unpacked and dished out the food. She didn’t look for ulterior motives with Chris the way she did with him... Drew had his work cut out for him.
After dinner, the three of them cleaned up and Chris watched as Drew kissed Jess on the cheek before heading home. He could tell his friend hadn’t wanted to leave. Chris and Jess sat in the living room and he turned on the television.
“So, you’re gonna keep th
is kid, are you?” he said lightly as he turned to Jess during the commercial and opened another beer.
Jess nodded and studied his face as she spoke. “Promise me that you will do anything to help me prevent this baby from growing up like we did.”
Chris sat forward on the couch and anxiously peeled the label from his bottle of beer. He remained silent, but he nodded desperately. Eventually he spoke. “And what about Drew?”
Jess lowered her chin; she didn’t know herself. She thought about how great he had been tonight. She’d never felt anything real with anyone…this was the closest she’d come, but she knew it wouldn’t last—no matter how determined he was to make it work she doubted she could make Drew happy for very long.
“Kid needs a mother and father Jess, that’s all. You won’t find better than him,” Chris said with a finality that was rare from him.
Jess thought about that.
***
The dreams returned. The blood, gunfire in the distance…Jess bolted upright in bed, her heart pounding in the darkness as she felt sweat crawl down her back. Now that she was home for good, the nightmares of the war zone had grown almost as horrible as the memories of her childhood. Life in Kabul had consumed her. School, training, and then deployment had kept her busy enough that she hadn’t had to think about anything else, but now, laying in Chris’s spare bedroom, awake in the darkness, she had nothing but time to think about it all…the soldiers they couldn’t save…the dark, damp, musty basement with the old brown carpet and the streetlight that pierced the dirty window and threw broken shadows through the crooked plastic blinds…and then the houses before she lived with Chris. A closed door. A playpen. Hours and hours by herself. Yelling.
Jess tried to block it all out and go back to sleep, but the terror persisted. She crept out of bed and made her way to Chris’s room. She crawled in with him just like she did when they were kids. Immediately he turned and put his arms around her, and her breathing slowed.
Mine Page 5
