***
Jess eyed Chris as he entered the house. She was sitting on the couch drinking tea and reading her book on her day off. She recognized the look on his face.
“Where were you?”
He went into the kitchen and she heard him open a beer. He returned to the living room and plunked down into the chair. “Nowhere,” he answered.
She felt her blood pressure rise; she was sick of worrying about him. “Tell me you didn’t go there again!” She slammed her book down and sat forward. “You have to stay away from that house!” He hadn’t turned to look at her, so she stood up to face him. “Chris, one day they’ll catch you and then what? It’s weird. Promise me you’ll stay away, please.”
She thought back to the first time she found out he was watching the house. He’d made some comment about June wearing the same dress and she’d wondered how he could’ve possibly known that. She’d pressed him on it and he had confessed. It terrified her. Why couldn’t he let it go?
“It’s no big deal. Don’t worry about it. They won’t catch me,” he lied. He regretted letting it slip out that he’d gone there in the first place; he hated that Jess knew.
Jess stomped to her room and slammed the door. Chris drained his beer and went to the kitchen for another, feeling ashamed and worried about Jess’s baby.
***
Drew’s parents’ house was warm and inviting. The smell of tomato sauce and garlic wafted throughout. The open-concept bungalow was modern, with high ceilings and caramel and beige tones and orange accents in the form of throw pillows and metal artwork on the walls. It wasn’t the house Drew grew up in; his parents had downsized a few years ago from their two-storey, five-bedroom house after he, the last of the three kids, moved out.
Drew held Jess’s hand in the doorway and didn’t let go as he hugged his parents. She pressed up against him and he suddenly had doubts about the timing of the introduction; his mom had been pushing and he was surprised Jess had agreed. She let go of his hand so they could remove their coats and boots, but she reached for him right afterwards. He felt guilty but he enjoyed the feeling of her needing him. He winked and smiled at her, but her face was impassive.
“This is Jess,” he said to his parents.
His mom clasped her hands together and took a step towards her as if she might hug her, but when Jess didn’t move, she stepped back. “So nice to meet you,” she said instead as Drew’s father bobbed his head at Jess in agreement. Jess forced a smile. “Come on in and sit. Dinner is almost ready.” She motioned for them to follow her to the living room and they sat on the dark brown leather furniture; Drew beside Jess and his parents across from them.
Jess’s heart pounded as she glanced at the large live Christmas tree and remembered the three-foot plastic tree her foster parents placed on the end table in the living room every year. Jess studied the pretty crystal ornaments and homemade crafts, obviously made by Drew and his sisters as children. She rested her hands on her stomach protectively and thought about how she would create holiday memories for this baby—traditions she had never had. From nowhere came the thought of putting away money for college or university. She felt her hands and feet grow cold at the overwhelming scale of the future.
“Do you need help with dinner, Mom?” Drew’s voice interrupted her thoughts.
“No, sweetie. It’s all done. Just cabbage rolls, so I made them earlier. They’re just heating through in the oven. Would you guys like a drink or anything?”
Drew said he was fine for now and Jess shook her head.
It was silent for a moment. Drew opened his mouth to say something about the weather, but his mom beat him to it. “I just have to say, Jess, that you have the cutest pregnant belly I have ever seen,” she grinned widely.
Jess studied her and imagined that she probably thought her own daughter’s stomach had been “cuter” than this stranger that she had just met. She thanked her.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
When she didn’t elaborate, John jumped in and asked Drew about work.
Jess watched as Michelle pretended to listen and then proceeded to pick imaginary lint off her shirt and the couch. She looked calm and relaxed; she didn’t seem worried about meeting her or upset that her son had knocked up some girl from the wrong side of town whom he’d barely knew. After a few minutes, Michelle announced that she was going to check on dinner and set the table. John hopped up to help.
With his parents a few feet away in the kitchen, Drew turned to Jess and caressed her cheek. He placed his hand gently on the back of her neck. She closed her eyes at his touch, so he leaned in to kiss her. “You okay?” he whispered. She nodded, and he kissed her again.
His parents observed them from behind the kitchen island and glanced at each other and smiled.
Jess tried her best to eat the cabbage rolls that Drew’s mother had lovingly made for them, but the baby was having none of it. The mixture of meat and sauce and the texture of the cabbage made her stomach turn. Michelle watched her as she pushed the food around her plate and pretended to eat. She discreetly excused herself from the table and went into the kitchen to slice some cucumbers and butter some bread. Jess glanced up at her gratefully as she placed the food in the center of the table; her mouth watered at the new offering.
“When I was pregnant with Drew, this was all I could eat for a long time. Now I can barely look at cucumbers,” Michelle laughed as she remembered her own pregnancies.
Jess admired her keen observation skills and her thoughtfulness as Drew and his mom joked about other ways he had ‘ruined’ her life. Jess was intrigued at how, even though his mom was telling him what a pain he’d been, she looked at him like he was the most important person in the world. She looked around at the people at the table and listened to their casual banter as she enjoyed her bread and got emotional as she realized that this was what a real family looked like. She composed herself. Surely there was plenty wrong with them. No one was perfect. She glanced at Drew’s father as he finished his glass of wine. It was his fourth one since they’d arrived just over an hour ago. She wondered if he’d ever had an affair. Her suspicious mind wandered next to Drew’s mother and sisters.
After dinner, the four of them cleaned up together and returned to the living room for tea. They asked Jess about her decision to be a nurse, the army, and her new job at the hospital. They avoided bringing up her childhood and past, much to her relief. Drew told them about her new house, and they looked at each other awkwardly before congratulating her. At the front door, Michelle told her that if she needed anything with regards to the baby to let her know. Jess thanked them for dinner.
On the way home, Drew reached for her hand as Jess sat silently in the passenger seat and stared out the window. He hoped the visit had helped her trust him a little more. He asked her what she thought about his parents.
“They’re nice, Drew.” She thought about her baby growing up in that family and how loved it would be. Maybe it would be better off with them than it would be with her. Seeing the way Michelle was with Drew, she was terrified that she wouldn’t be capable of loving her own baby. She let go of Drew’s hand and placed her own on her stomach protectively, trying hard to push her thoughts away. But maybe it would be better to give the baby to Drew and his family and walk away…. She hung her head; her own mother hadn’t made sure there was a nice family waiting to take care of her; that much was different. Was there hope for her as a mother? Maybe the fact that she was putting this baby’s welfare first was a good sign. Drew frowned as he watched her wrap her arms around herself and shrink into her seat. He wanted desperately to know what she was thinking. Eventually she spoke again. “I mean, it was awkward, you know, me being there just because I’m pregnant.”
“It wasn’t the only reason, Jess,” he said softly. “I’d like to think you would’ve met them, baby or not,” he kissed her hand. He tried to ignore the hurt and to remember how she needed to protect herself. How s
he was literal and honest and lacked emotion because of the way she grew up. He pulled into the driveway of Chris’s house and took his seatbelt off; he held onto her hand so she wouldn’t get out of the car. She looked at him, confused. He leaned over to kiss her gently.
***
The little girl had tangled, long brown hair and a dirty face. She wore a sheer, light pink woman’s blouse on top of her own worn pants and t-shirt that hung down to her ankles.
The buttons were done up unevenly. The pearls around her neck reached the worn hardwood floor and made a clicking noise as she danced around the musty dark bedroom. She stumbled in the too-big cream-coloured high heels. She twirled around the musty smelling bedroom in her dress-up clothes, holding her baby doll against her chest. But suddenly, the girl turned angry. She threw the doll into the closet and slammed the door. In a moment, the bedroom door swung open and a woman entered, startling the young girl. The woman’s face was red as she yelled obscenities at the child for being where she wasn’t allowed. She grabbed her arm and pushed her down the hallway.
Jess woke with a start, drenched in sweat. She held her stomach and felt sick as she gasped for air. She wished this baby could live inside her forever so she could always protect it. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe away the painful memories. Her first instinct was to go to Chris, but she took a moment and looked around the dark room; she heard Drew breathing softly beside her. She studied the fine features of his face and then quietly got out of bed and made her way to the bathroom to splash water on her face. She returned to bed and lay beside Drew. Her breathing slowed as she felt his warmth beside her. She stared at the ceiling. Sleep eluded her.
***
On the racquetball court, Chris hit the ball against the wall with more force than usual, still upset about the house that Jess had bought. “Kinda stupid if you ask me. Waste of money.” Drew glanced at his friend and returned the ball as they warmed up. Chris studied him. “You gonna live there with her?”
“I want to, but you know what she’s like,” he said cautiously.
Chris laughed and Drew relaxed; he knew how protective Chris was of his sister, and at times he was unsure of how he would react to his honesty. Drew thought about his parties and the drinking; how Chris would get angry over something insignificant and get into fights; how he’d had to pull him off a guy or two in the past. Still, he was a good guy, especially considering how he was brought up, and Drew respected how he always looked out for Jess. He had no idea about Chris’s paranoid thoughts.
“Maybe this time it will work out for you,” Chris said, referring to his friend’s string of failed relationships. Drew stopped playing to look at him. “You know, with the baby. You both have a reason to try harder.”
Drew nodded. The two paused their game to get a drink of water. “Do you think you would have taken off by now, you know, if she’d lost the baby?” Chris asked as he wiped his mouth on his shirt and studied Drew.
Drew shook his head, recognizing his friend’s need for reassurance. “Don’t you remember what I said that night by your pool? Before we knew she was pregnant? I’m all in man. When I thought we were going to lose the baby, I wondered how we were going to get through it. The two of us.” Chris seemed satisfied with the answer. Drew didn’t mention the obvious: that it was more likely that Jess would be the one to leave. He didn’t want to admit it, even to himself.
***
Waiting for Drew at his apartment, Jess felt the familiar anxiety surrounding custody, only this time, instead of wanting the baby all to herself, she was now forcing herself to consider giving the baby to Drew to raise. She didn’t want to abandon her baby, but she couldn’t help but wonder if it would be for the best.
Then again, lots of kids grew up in split families, with two homes, and they were fine—but she couldn’t help but hate the idea and the uncertainty it brought up for her.
And Drew had never once left her, despite that she’d repeatedly screwed up and tried to push him away. She liked him, and she missed him when they were apart. The ceaseless chatter in her mind was exhausting, especially because she knew, deep down, that the best thing for her baby would be for the three of them to be together.
When Drew returned home, he could tell by her frown and the distracted look on her face that something was wrong; he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. He’d invited her to his place tonight so they could have some privacy and focus on each other. Otherwise Chris was almost always around, and the two of them would end up talking or picking a show to watch together or arguing about something minor. The truth was Drew often felt left out. But he remembered how she’d freaked out the last time she was at his place, and he wondered if the same thing was happening now. But he had to try to get her to open up. The baby was due in March; he felt like they were running out of time.
He decided to go for honesty. “I know you’re more comfortable at Chris’s, but the truth is I wanted you all to myself tonight,” he smiled cautiously. “Are you okay here? Do you want to talk?” He knew she didn’t—she never did—but she surprised him.
“I want to make this work between us, Drew, but I don’t know how to do that.”
Tears filled her eyes and she pressed her head into his warm chest. He held her, shocked at her words and filled with hope. He told her there was nothing that he wanted more. They would do it together.
***
The explosion rocked the west side of the clinic and the team immediately sprang to action, moving the patients to the middle and the opposite side. A warm, wet sensation ran down Jess’s arm, but she didn’t have time for whatever it was. Her ears were ringing, and she couldn’t hear, but she knew what Tariq was screaming at her. She’d been through it before. There was never just one explosion. As Jess moved the last stretcher, she noticed a crib in the middle of the clinic. The baby inside was crying and reaching her arms out for Jess. She was naked except for a diaper, and she was covered in blood. Jess couldn’t remember when the baby had arrived…she hadn’t been in the clinic earlier. The other beds and people faded away as Jess tried to get to her, but as she moved closer, the cradle moved further away. Jess’s heart pounded in her chest and she felt a fear like she had never known. She couldn’t reach the baby—her baby—
She woke as if breaking the surface of water—breathing heavily and drenched in sweat. She jumped out of bed to search for the baby and the crib, startling Drew awake in the process.
“Jess?” he said, panic-stricken. “What is it? Is it the baby? Hey, hey,” he soothed, pulling her to him, “it’s okay.”
She fought him for a second until she realized she was in Drew’s apartment, that the baby was still safe in her womb. She fell into him, sobbing, at once relieved to find herself safe and still terrified by the dream.
He held her tightly, making soothing noises until she calmed down. His heart hurt to see her so afraid.
***
Jess’s fears about motherhood, her confusion about Drew, and her nightmares had left her feeling scared and alone. She picked up extra shifts at the hospital and volunteered to work all through Christmas to avoid Drew, his family and her feelings, but it didn’t work. She was miserable and tired of living that way. Especially when she’d caught a glimpse of what it was like to have someone and be part of a family. One evening, feeling guilty and ashamed and looking for more, she found herself parked in the driveway of Drew’s parents’ house.
Michelle opened the door and was pleasantly surprised to see Jess standing on her front porch. She hadn’t thought she was the type to just pop in unannounced, so she was even more shocked when she looked behind her for her son and he wasn’t there. She invited her inside.
Jess sat on the couch in the living room while Drew’s mother made tea for the two of them. She looked around the cozy house and imagined a one-year-old making its way around the coffee table. She wiped her clammy hands on her pants.
“Here you go,” Michelle said as she entered the living room an
d handed Jess her tea. She sat across from her and smiled. “How are you feeling?” She didn’t seem worried about Jess’s visit at all. Jess’s heart pounded as she tucked her legs underneath her and adjusted her maternity shirt over her belly.
“I feel fat.”
Michelle laughed and nearly spilled her tea, unprepared for the honest, sardonic answer from this woman she barely knew. “I’ve never weighed this much in my entire life.” Jess grinned at her reaction; she felt at ease with this woman though she wasn’t sure why.
“Don’t worry. You were in good shape before. You’ll bounce back quickly.” She sipped her tea as she waited for the real reason for her son’s girlfriend’s visit.
Jess wrung her hands and looked at the floor, unsure of why exactly she was here, and unsure of where to start. “I didn’t mean to get pregnant,” she finally confessed.
Michelle crossed her legs and set her tea down on the table. “I know, dear. Drew told me you guys were careful. These things happen sometimes.”
Jess looked away. “I told him that he was free…that he didn’t have to stay. That I would raise this baby alone.”
Michelle nodded.
“He’s so nice to me. He thinks he loves me. But he doesn’t really know me, you know?”
The smile vanished from Michelle’s face. “It’s not just the baby and the fact that he feels responsible for it, Jess. I know he genuinely cares about you. The way he talks about you—and I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I know my son.”
Jess nodded gratefully, tears filling her eyes. She felt reassured by this woman and she trusted her. They talked about work, the weather, and the new house. Finally, Jess set her empty cup down and stood up. Michelle followed.
“And Jess?” Jess looked back at her. “Everyone deserves love, you know. Everyone. And in this family, we stick by each other, no matter what.” Michelle prayed she’d said the words Jess needed to hear.
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