I tried to sit up to take the glass of water from Matty. Oh hell, I wanted that water more than anything in the world right now. My mouth felt disgusting.
I leaned on my hand, trying to get leverage to prop myself up but didn't have the strength and slumped back down.
"Oh shit." Matty put down the glass and got a remote control from beside the bed.
He raised the head of the bed up so that I sat semi-upright. Then he handed me the water. I gulped it down and held the glass out for another. Nice touch, that remote control. Matty moved it so it was within my reach.
I bolted down the second glass of water as well.
"I have to tell the nurses that you're awake." He smiled.
"In a minute." The cotton wool had gone. "A few minutes to myself first."
I wanted to explain to him that I'd made a mistake earlier. I hadn't meant to ask for Ash, but how do you say that without looking like you're justifying your screw up? Maybe it was better Matty thought I wanted Ash anyway. Matty shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be near me and he shouldn't look at me that way. He should be miles away, with a good woman who deserved him.
"I'm not sure what happened, Fi. I was called in after they brought you here. You'd been at some club and collapsed."
The usual story. "The press?"
"Madeline's been on that. She came in for a while. Also asked to be called if you woke."
I groaned. Madeline was my manager at the modeling agency. She'd managed me since I was a teen and she acted like I still was a teenager. She'd be in here soon, nagging me and fussing around like a mother hen. Madeline could shower me with affection, then take that affection away just as fast.
"You gave us all a scare. It was close this time."
I closed my eyes. Matt wanted an explanation but what could I tell him? What could I tell anyone?
I'm the girl you see on the billboards. The one who tells you what shampoo to buy and what clothes to wear. I have the hair with the perfect waves flowing around my face. I have the clear, glowing skin and the body that doesn't quit. I sell it all.
The stupid thing is that I'm also not that girl. That girl has her shit together. She's perfect. Squeaky-clean, effortlessly beautiful and adored by millions. People aspire to be her but no one aspires to that as much as I do.
That girl is the exact opposite of who I really am.
I'm Fiona, the fuck up. Somewhere along the way, my life took a wrong turn. Then it kept taking wrong turns. That's how you wake up in a hospital bed with no recollection of how you got there. I liked to party. I liked to party hard. And often that was enough but sometimes, I'd be in the middle of a club having the time of my life and the darkness hit me. Then I'd know that none of those people were really my friends, that they didn't give a single fuck about me. All the fun crumbled to dust at my feet. The only way to counter that was to drink more and pop more pills until that darkness passed.
"Christ on a stick, I must look a mess. Is my handbag here? I can't have the nurses seeing me like this. Remember that bitch who sold my photo to the press. God, they still trot that out."
That nurse had lost her job and been sued by my agency but that hadn't stopped the damage. Once that photo was out there, you couldn't take it back. I tried to get up. I needed to fix myself up. It wasn't vanity. A few more bad shots like that of me in the press and I'd be finished. Modeling isn't a job that lasts forever and I was already rushing, full speed, toward my used-by date. I had maybe one or two good years left in me, and then only with a bit of medical help.
"I'm not sure where your bag is. You had nothing when you came in."
Shit. Again. I needed to start stapling my things to my side. That would be the only way to stop me losing them.
"How did I get here?"
"You gave someone at the club my number. When I got there, they'd put you in a back room, not wanting the bad publicity of ambulances out front. They'd have probably let you die there rather than have the bad press."
Typical. I guess I should be glad of that though. Photos of me being dragged out of a nightclub on a stretcher would probably be the last nail in the coffin of my career. No work meant no money and then I would be in that horrible psych ward with no chance of escape. My greatest fear.
"Fiona, you've got to stop doing this."
I didn't answer him. I could promise to stop but we both knew I'd break that promise. I'd started on a road and there was no turning back.
Before we could talk any more, Madeline flew into the room, her brightly-colored scarf swirling around her. Madeline was always a flurry of movement.
"Fiona, Fiona. You've gone too far. I should wash my hands of you. I just wanted a quiet weekend. Time to relax, read a book. Maybe get a mani-pedi. Instead, what do I get? A press disaster. I've called in a million favors and sweet-talked every bastard in this city. Hopefully, this will be hushed up. Fiona, darling, you're already skating on thin ice -- and you want to melt that ice with a flame thrower?" She threw a bag of cosmetics at me. "Fix yourself up. You look a total horror."
"I wouldn't say horror," Matty said.
He gave me that sweet smile of his. That shouldn't make me feel as good as it did.
"Horror is what I said and horror is what I mean. You look haggard. Those bags under your eyes!" Madeline threw her hands in the air as if the bags under my eyes were too much for anyone to bear. "You'll ruin your face if you don't stop this. Then what will you do?"
I didn't reply to her. There was never any point. Instead, I turned to Matty.
"Maybe you should go. If there's going to be any bad press, you don't want to be around for that. No need for my shit to rub off on you."
He looked like he was going to protest but I waved him away.
"I mean it, Matt. You have too much going on in your life for me to drag you down."
"She's right," Madeline added. "You should sleep anyway. You've been here all night."
Matty smiled at me. "Are you okay for now?" he asked.
After he left, I stared at the door he'd closed behind him. Matty was a good man.
I turned my head and pretended to go back to sleep but Madeline jabbed me. She wouldn't go for that for a moment, so I sat back up and did my face. Madeline wasn't joking about me being a horror. It took a lot of work to get my face looking dewy and fresh. The natural look.
Then Madeline brushed my hair for me. It was one of her rare, quiet moments. I could pretend she was my mother and I'd grown up like any regular girl, with the things most people took for granted. Parents, caring, all that emotional stuff.
When she'd finished, she put her arm around me.
"You should marry that man," Madeline said. "He's good-looking, talented, got buckets of money and he adores you. You shouldn't even need to think about it. Anyone but a crazy woman would go for him."
Anyone but a crazy woman. That ruled me out. Matty had a shining future ahead of him. He played guitar like no one else on this earth. But me, I had nothing but a past I couldn't escape. No matter how high I tried to fly, that past weighed me down and made me crash back to the ground.
I sighed. Marrying Matt Kinnett was never going to be part of my future, no matter what Madeline said.
"And what's in it for him?" I asked her. "He's got too much going for him."
Matt
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE Fiona like that. I didn't want to leave her alone and desolate. But, when she told me to go, I knew there was nothing else I could do. She looked so sad lying there against those white sheets, her face so pale and her body wracked with pain she tried to hide. It broke my heart to see her like that.
I shut the door behind me. I hesitated. I wanted to rush back to her. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her tight and kiss away every bit of pain she felt. But I would never be the man to do that. I knew, if anyone could do that, it would not be me. She'd proved that when she woke and asked for Savage. Of course she'd asked for him. That's the way it'd always been. I loved Fiona and Fiona loved Savage.
I walked down the corridors of the hospital. I'd wanted Fiona admitted here. No matter what, I didn't want her waking up somewhere that would scare her. That place they'd put her in last time had almost broken her. Most of the other patients had been broken. If I could, I'd help them all. Souls that were already damaged didn't need to be further broken, and that hospital had been no place for healing.
This place wouldn't break her but I wasn't sure if they'd be able to heal her either.
I got to the nurses' station and almost turned back around. While Fiona needed me, I couldn't leave. But she had Madeline with her and I'd go back later. If it were up to me, I'd stay with her 24 hours a day but maybe she needed some space. I kept walking but I stopped by the florist in the foyer. I'd fill her room with flowers so she had something beautiful to look at.
As I walked back to my car, my phone rang.
"Matt, I've got a job for you. Five days in New York. Playing guitar for The Freaks' new album. It's a golden opportunity, but you have to leave tomorrow."
"No way. I can't leave town. Personal issues."
I hung up on my manager, Fergus, and switched off my phone. He wouldn't take no for an answer but there was nothing in the world that would make me leave town right now. I'd talk to him later, explain that. First, I wanted to get home, take a shower, then have a short kip.
Oh, I had a message from Savage. I sent a quick reply, letting him know that Fiona had woken. I didn't tell him she'd asked for him. Savage had enough going on with his new love. I sure didn't want him to feel guilty or obliged. He and Alice were in their honeymoon period. Let him enjoy it. He deserved happiness with a woman who loved him.
When I got home, I pottered around in the kitchen in that vague state of tiredness where your brain doesn't work but you're too stupid to actually lie down and sleep. I made a juice, then forgot to drink it. I threw out some food from my fridge. I checked through the mail. Then I checked it again, because I had no idea what I'd even looked at the first time.
Finally, I showered and got to bed. I'd catch a few hours' sleep and then go back to the hospital. I'd get a gift for Fiona. God knows what. No magazines. They depressed her. All she saw was competition, younger girls coming to take her place. No chocolates, Madeline would kill me. I'd think of something she'd like. Maybe a book or a plant.
When I woke up from my nap, my phone was filled with messages. A heap from Fergus, getting more and more frantic. Then some from Madeline. Hell, the bastard had contacted her. As I read through them, my hands shook. The bastards, the pair of them. I'd wring both their necks when I got the chance. This was blackmail. Evil blackmail.
They'd threatened to tell Fiona I was ruining my career for her if I didn't go.
How dare they?
I wanted to throw the phone against the wall. I needed to be here for Fiona but, if they told her that, it'd just add to her worries. That was the last thing I wanted.
I wrote fifty angry responses but deleted each one. They had me. They had me bad. If they gave a flying fuck about Fiona, they wouldn't be playing games like this. I could understand Fergus, in a way, since he didn't really know her, but for Madeline to play along, that just made me livid. Madeline knew how vulnerable Fiona was. She knew Fiona needed me.
In the end, I gave in. I sent Fergus a message telling him if he ever pulled a stunt like that again, I'd quit. Quit everything. He'd know I meant it too.
Then I got dressed and headed back to the hospital. I'd have to tell Fiona without making it look like I wanted to abandon her.
When I got to the hospital, she'd gotten out of bed and sat in a chair near the window.
"You look much better," I said.
She smiled. I wasn't lying and it wasn't just the makeup. She had color back in her face and her eyes had lost that deadness. One of Fiona's problems was that she didn't know just how beautiful she was. Her beauty wasn't in that face you saw in photos, photoshopped into some kind of generic perfection. Her beauty was in the way she moved and the way her lips curled and that spark of brilliance in her eyes. All her life, she'd played dumb. It went with the territory. No one wants a model with opinions or attitude. Well, not unless they were the right opinions and the right attitude. Fiona had been an outspoken girl but she'd hidden that side of herself for a long time.
"No point lolling around in bed. But they want to keep me in here for a while." She sighed. "That means not working. No work, no money."
"If it's a problem, I take care of it." God knows money wasn't an issue for me.
She shrugged. "It's not so much that. I need to work, Matty." Then she smiled. "But that's not anything for you to worry about. I'll be a good patient and get out as soon as possible. Madeline's canceled a few jobs but I'll be back on my feet in no time."
Fiona would never take money. She had a lot of pride about that. I'd have never minded paying. Money didn't mean a lot to me. I had my apartment and all my basic needs covered. I never wanted to live a rock star life. I'd rather keep it simple.
I sat in the chair beside her.
"I have to go to New York for a few days."
Maybe it was totally selfish of me but I'd have liked to have seen just a little disappointment on her face. I didn't want to distress her, obviously, but a sign that she might miss me would be good.
"That's fantastic," she said. "Big opportunity?"
I told her about it.
"You're going to be a big star. I mean, an even bigger star. Look at Savage. He's got this whole new career going on, and you've got everything happening."
"There's going to be a lot of good things in your future too," I told her.
"What does a washed-up model do?"
"What do you want to do? Deep down inside, what do you really want? I know you don't love modeling. If you gave it up, what then?"
She laughed. "The first thing I'd do is gorge myself stupid on cakes. I've been on a diet for the last ten years. Maybe I should quit and become a professional eater."
"You should think about it seriously, Fi. There's a whole world of opportunity for you. Don't be pinned down."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. You're a known name. Use that fame to do something you really want. Hell, a lot of people in this world would kill to have that foot in the door. Make the most of it."
She smiled again. That bright smile just covered what she kept inside though. I knew that. It looked bright and charming but it was a door closed firmly in your face, keeping you out. There were things Fiona told no one.
"I'll come and see you as soon as I get back."
"Bring a present. Something silly."
I'd do that.
"If you need me, for anything at all, ring or message me."
I hoped she would. Any sign and I'd be on a plane back home, just to be there for her.
"I'll be fine. I'm in one of the best hospitals money can buy. You know they have Pilates classes, a swimming pool, a beauty salon even. And the food is amazing. It's like being at a holiday resort. Hell, I can't even remember the last time I had a holiday, unless it was a working one. But that's boring. Tell me more about this new job."
"Not much to tell. I fly in, play guitar and fly home."
"You must be excited though. Who knows, you might get asked to tour with The Freaks, move to the States and all."
I didn't want to say but the thought of moving anywhere away from Fiona did nothing for me. Especially now.
"We'll see how it goes. I'll have a lot to learn when I get there."
"And what about Savage, with his new woman. What's she like?"
I watched Fiona's face. Deep down I suspected that finding out about Savage's relationship might've triggered this latest incident but there was no sign of it. Was she that good at acting or was it that she really didn't care?
"Alice. She's a great woman. Takes no shit from him."
Fiona laughed. "That's exactly what he needs. Someone who'll stand up to him. He's got enough ego to handle it. Have you ever though
t of joining his band? The two of you are a winning combination."
"He asks me every time I see him and every time, I say no. You know what Ash is like. It'd be great for a while then it'd all fall to shit. He's better on his own."
"Maybe. Maybe he's changed now. I mean, who'd have ever thought he'd settle down with one woman."
I didn't want to say it but he'd been a one-woman man with Fiona, at least for a while. The two of them had been too young. Both had temptation thrown at them from every direction.
We talked for a while, then she had to sleep.
"Sorry, Matty."
"I won't have time to drop by in the morning before I leave but I mean it, Fi. Anything you need at all, just get in touch. I'm here for you."
"Don't forget the time difference. I could be calling you in the middle of the night."
"Hey, I'm a muso. I'll be awake."
I lingered in the doorway, not wanting to leave her.
"Get going," she said, and held up a cushion to throw at me. "I'm a survivor."
Fiona
MATTY WOULD GET ON that plane tomorrow if I had to kill him to do it. He just wanted one word or one sign from me and he'd have stayed. Then what would that have made me? The one who ruined his career? No thanks. Easier to plaster on a bright smile and tell him to go. I could survive in here for a week without him.
But hell, I should not have mentioned money to him. This place cost a fortune but I'd pay for it myself, if I had to sell everything I owned. I'd never take money from him. That wasn't me. I worked and stood on my own two feet. I had money, I think. Madeline took care of that. She tied most of my money up so I couldn't touch it when I got on a bender. Hell, drink and drugs I'd take from anyone, but money was a whole other thing. I'd never be beholden to a man for money. I'd promised myself that when I got my first pay check all those years ago.
Even though I'd said I needed to sleep, I was wide awake and bored out of my mind. What did people do for fun in hospital? I guess asking for some sleeping pills would be out of the question. It was too dark to walk outside and there was nothing to read. I turned on the TV and there I was, on a commercial for skin care. That product had brought me out in a rash but you can't say that and keep working.
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 28
