It might take a million more moments like this, a million hard decisions, but I could be more than this.
This time I stood up, shaky but sure on my own two legs. I'd walk out of this club. I'd go home and actually feel the misery inside of me. No matter what I did, that misery wouldn't go away. I had to deal with it some time. May as well be now.
After leaving the cubicle, I splashed water on my face and fixed my hair.
Within my memory, I had no recollection of leaving a club this early and this intact. That just wasn't me. But hell, I could do this. I wasn't a total loser. Not tonight.
Before I got to the door, someone grabbed my arm.
"Fiona, come drink with us."
A couple of models I'd worked with tried to drag me to the bar. I shook them off.
"Not tonight."
"Oh, you got other plans? An important date?" one of them said.
"Yeah, I have big plans." Not just for tonight but for the rest of my life.
I'd planned to walk straight out of this club and grab a cab home. I was a bit tipsy but nothing I couldn't sleep off. When I glanced at the door though, I almost fell in heap.
Matt stood in the doorway and he was looking straight at me.
I wanted to rush into his arms and beg forgiveness for everything I'd said but I couldn't do that. Not without knowing how he felt.
Matt
THE ONE THING I HADN'T expected to see when I walked into that club was Fiona on her way out. She stared at me across the crowded room. I stared back. But I couldn't just look at her forever.
I pushed my way through the crowd until I got to her.
"I came to rescue you," I said.
She laughed. "I rescued myself."
She really had. I don't know what was going on with her. I just knew she had an assurance about herself that I'd never seen before. I wanted to gather her into my arms but wasn't sure of her. Then I remembered what Savage had said. To hell with it. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me.
She didn't push me away.
"I love you, Fiona," I said, hoping she'd heard me over the thud of music in the club.
She pulled back a little.
"I don't expect you to return my love," I said. "Just give me the chance to prove myself. Hell, can we get out of here? It's way too loud."
She nodded and I took her hand. We walked back to my car.
"Matty?" Her voice was soft and uncertain. "I need you to see something."
"Of course."
She gave me directions and we drove across town. It wasn't an area I was familiar with. I had no idea where she was taking me, only that she didn't look at me. She stared out the window but her fingers toyed with the hem of that tight silver dress. Occasionally, she took a deep breath, as though she was plunging into something that scared her way too much.
Finally, she asked me to pull over.
"See that building," she said.
At first, I thought the apartment building she pointed to had been condemned. About half the windows had been smashed, some had been boarded up, others still had the jagged glass in the frames. Busted up bags of trash covered the grounds.
Then I noticed signs of life. A few guys loitered outside, obviously selling drugs. I didn't think she'd bought me here to buy drugs though. She stared at that building with horror on her face.
Music blared from a hundred different places and a baby cried so loudly, it could be heard over all of that. A young girl with a child on her hip leaned against the wall, dragging on cigarette. An old lady hobbled out of the front door, casting furtive glances around, as though she expected to be jumped on.
"A bit different to that solid, middle class house of yours," she said.
"This is where you grew up?"
She nodded. "Home, sweet home. Part of the time anyway. We moved around a bit. But I lived here for a long time. Some places were even worse."
"You've moved beyond it though."
"Have I?"
I reached out and took her hand in mine. No matter what her past had been like, she'd moved on and none of it mattered to me. I wanted to wipe those shadows of pain from her eyes. She'd never end up back there. I'd make sure of that.
"My mother was a hooker, Matt. I've never told anyone that. Not even a high-class call girl but a street whore, like that girl over there."
She pointed to the girl with the child.
"She's..."
"Yep. Why do you think she's hanging around like that? For the atmosphere? I'm so lucky that I escaped this place but it's still part of me. At least I never clung to my mother's hip like that. I was never abused, she made sure of that. I'd have to go out and play in that excuse for a yard, when I could. When I couldn't, she'd make me hide in the wardrobe."
She began to choke up. I squeezed her hand tighter but didn't say anything. She had to get this all out and I didn't want to interrupt.
"I'd be able to hear them. God. I had no idea what was going on when I was young. It just sounded horrible and painful. Then I got old enough to know what was happening. You learn those things fast around here."
She gave a sob and her body trembled. I moved so I could put my arm around her shoulder. I held her as tightly as I could but she didn't relax. How could she? As she told me this, she must've been reliving those times. If I could, I'd go back and fix things for that young Fiona. I'd have kept her safe but that was impossible. All I could do was try to make her feel safe now.
"I tried to stay away from home as much as possible. I'd go into town and hang out at the mall all day. No money to buy anything, but at least it was clean. I'd look into the shops, all those fresh, unworn clothes. I had dreams but I never expected--"
I'd never be able to say I understood but I could be there for her. Outside, the baby had stopped crying but a fight broke out. Screams filled the air, punctuated with the sound of things smashing. I wanted to drive away as fast as I could but Fiona needed to stay. She needed to finish her story.
"It was at the mall that I met Madeline. She said she wanted me to model for her. I told her she was full of shit. I spat out a whole bunch of foul-mouthed curses but she cursed back as good as she got."
"And the rest is history."
I brushed her hair from her face and she gave me a pallid grin. The fight had finished but the drug dealers had taken an interest in us. They kept glancing over to my car. Probably wondering if we were potential clients. I still held Fiona with one hand but I reached out to check the keys in the ignition, just in case.
"Some of it is history. My mother died five years ago. Overdose. I never knew what to do, once I started making money. I wanted to help her out but if I gave her money, she spent it on drugs. If I gave her things, she'd sell them for drug money. I wanted her to have a better life, though."
"I'm sure you did what you could."
"Did I? I'll never know. I was too young to understand. You know, when I was a kid, I vowed never to touch drugs. I knew more than anyone the damage they could do. But I guess you can't help what's bred in the bone. I might have money and I might have fame but I'm just like any of them."
God, she sounded sad. And so wrong. There was nothing she could've done. I was sure of that.
"No, you're not. You haven't been like that for a long time. I'm not talking about your beauty and I'm not talking about your money. You aren't one of them."
"Ha, you say that, Matty, but you don't know."
I moved in my seat to face her. I needed her to understand what I had to say.
"You aren't. Why do you think Madeline made you that offer back then? She's definitely not one to do it out of charity. She saw something in you, some spark that she could use. She's a hard-headed businesswoman. And even that wouldn't have been enough. You have the fire and the guts. You work harder than anyone."
"You know what I do, Matty? I put on clothes and walk around in them. I sell people stupid dreams."
She stared out the window at the apartment building but the tensio
n in her body began to ebb.
"I've seen you at work, Fiona. It's so much more than that. You know the name of every girl who brings you coffee. You know about the lives of every driver, every person on the set. You care about people. Look at you, you go into rehab and end up working with one of the nurses to create a charity event. You have a power you don't even realize."
"You're only saying that because you love me." But she smiled. A real smile. "Let's go. We've spent long enough here. I just wanted you to know. It's my dirty secret."
"Hey, we all grow up somewhere. Your past means nothing. Let's go home."
She smiled at me again. "Yes, let's go home."
Fiona
WE GOT BACK TO MATT'S apartment. I wasn't sure about anything. I'd opened up to Matty more than I'd opened up to anyone in my life. That just made me want to retreat. Instead, we had to talk. Not just talk but have THE talk. As much as I wanted Matty to sweep me up into his arms and carry me to the bedroom, I didn't want to half-ass things. I didn't want to have unanswered questions hanging over us, either.
Matt went to make coffee and I sat on the sofa. I crossed my legs then recrossed them.
I noticed a business card on the coffee table and picked it up. Damo. I held it between my thumb and finger. Not only did we need to talk but this was exactly what we needed to talk about.
Matt came into the living room. He sat down beside me.
"This?" I asked, holding out the card.
"This. I made my position clear."
"You said you love me. You asked me to give you a chance. So, okay, here's your chance. Ring Damo. Tell him you'll go on the tour."
Matt sighed. "That tour would be intense. It will be a year or more on the road. I'm not sure I want it."
"You want it." I didn't take my gaze from his face.
"I want to be with you."
"I get that, Matty, but if you loved me, you'd go on this tour. You need to trust me. You can't be my babysitter or whatever else you want to be. You have to live for yourself. I need you to prove you won't ruin your life to be with me."
I wasn't sure what else I wanted but I knew I wanted that.
"If I was with you, my life would never be ruined. You're all I want."
"Yeah, you say that now but you need more than just me. I'm never going to be enough for you. Matt, if you turn down this chance just for me, you might forgive yourself for it, and you might forgive me, but I'll never forgive me."
He gazed at me for a long time, thoughts running through his brain. What did he even have to think about? Take the tour.
Finally, he reached out and took the card from me.
"I trust you," he said. Then he made the call.
While he discussed the details with Damo, I got up and wandered around the apartment. Nothing had changed in the hours since I'd left and yet everything had. I wasn't the same person.
Matt asked me to give him a chance. That would be the most difficult thing I'd ever have to do. He didn't have to prove himself, I did. I needed to prove that I could be the person he believed I was.
He got off the phone.
"I can't believe I'm doing this but the tour starts in a months' time. I fly out to join them in two weeks. I have a whole bunch of songs to learn before then."
He ran his fingers through his hair.
"We have more than that to catch up on," I said, shooting him a smile.
"I know you can't just drop your life and come with me but if you've ever got a break, you could, you know, hang with me on tour. I'm sure that would be okay."
"I'll see what I can do."
Savage would've demanded I drop everything to join him on the tour. Matty would never do that. Matty gave me space, the kind of space I hadn't appreciated for a long time. Just like that smile that crept around your heart without you realizing it, the respect Matt showed for me took a while to sink in.
"So?" he asked.
"So?"
We had more to discuss but we'd made enough progress for one night. Talking only took you so far. Matt leaned across and bit me gently on the ear. I needed him.
We both dashed to the bedroom.
"Oh. Shit," Matty said.
"What?"
"I stripped the sheets off the bed. They're still in the washing machine."
"We can go to my room."
"I stripped your bed too."
I put my hands on my hips. "Well, I'm not waiting around for you to make the bed. We can do it in the bathroom or on the floor or on the unmade bed. We can do it in the kitchen or on the fucking balcony, but we're doing it right now."
Matty grinned that lopsided grin. God, how did I ever think I could live without that? He moved so that his belly touched mine then reached down, pulling my dress over my head.
He nuzzled against my neck. I almost purred with delight. I wanted to touch him all over, to savor him before he left me, but my body screamed with impatience. I pulled his t-shirt off him, almost ripping it over his head.
The rest of our clothes fell in a pile at our feet. Matty picked me up and threw me on the bed, then spread my legs apart.
"Stop looking and start touching," I commanded.
That made him laugh. This was no laughing matter. I needed him. And he damn well needed me, too. He couldn't hide that massive erection he had going on.
"You're so cute when you're horny," he said.
I grabbed hold of him, pulling him on top of me. There was only so much teasing I could take. He trailed his fingers down my body, while I humped against him, wanting to get this started.
"Like this?" he asked, as his fingers moved up my thighs.
"More!"
He wriggled his fingers inside me.
"Like this?"
"More!" I screamed again.
As his fingers pressed against my clit, the words I screamed became unintelligible. I writhed against his hand, the pressure so intense I thought I'd detonate. I wanted to tell him how much I loved that but the words could only come out as screams so I clawed his back.
He took me right to the edge. I hovered on the brink of the most intense orgasm I'd ever known. My screams became muffled as I bit into his shoulder. My body could barely contain the sensations building inside me.
My teeth sank deeper into his flesh as the wave broke, so strong I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream, I wanted to bite. I wanted to sink into the bed.
I knew then that I loved Matty. I might never be able to tell him, but I loved him. As his cock filled me, I loved him even more.
Fiona
"WHICH DO YOU THINK looks best?"
I held up two dresses to show Matt. One silver and slinky, the other black and much classier.
"Oh, the silver one. Definitely the silver."
Of course, he picked the sexy one. Matt wore a tux. Oh my God, he looked so good in that tux that I'd have stripped it right off him again, if we'd had time. Instead, I put on the silver dress and did a final makeup check in the mirror.
Matt fastened my necklace around my neck.
"The car will be here in a minute," he said.
His voice was so husky, I knew exactly what he meant.
"We don't have time?"
The lust in his eyes mirrored what I felt. Instead we went downstairs. I couldn't be late to my own event.
When we got to the club, Bridget ran over to greet me.
"You look sensational," she said. "We've sold all the ticket and people are pumped about tonight. Oh, I hope everything goes well."
"You look fantastic too. Your hair looks great up like that. And everything will go well, I'm sure."
Before I could say any more, Savage joined us. Bridget almost swooned. Her face turned bright red and she opened her mouth to speak but no words came out.
"Who is this sexy lady?" Savage asked me, looking at Bridget.
I thought Bridget might die on the spot, all thoughts of her husband and kids forgotten as she batted her eyelashes at Ash.
Matt came over to us
with drinks. Both of us were sticking to juice for the night.
"Ah, Bridget, you might want to take Ash through a final rundown of the night," I said.
"Umm... yes... come this way."
"God, she has it bad," Matt said with a laugh. "That Savage magic."
I laughed. "And he loves it. Still, she's so right to be excited. He's really helped draw a crowd."
"You should be proud too. The night is going to be amazing."
I glanced around the room, at all the people crowding into the space. Hopefully, this would mean a sizeable fund for the school.
"I only did a small part," I said. "Bridget did the hard work."
Matt put his hand on the small of my back and lead me to our seats. I was happy to sit back and let Bridget and Ash do the work tonight.
A man came over to introduce himself. He was the principal of the school.
"Thanks for what you've done," he said.
"I didn't do all that much."
He raised his eyebrows. "You have no idea. Not just the event itself but something like this raises the profile of our cause. You really are an amazing young lady."
I blushed. I'd been praised so often for my looks that compliments became empty, but that man's words really meant a lot to me. Being praised for something I'd accomplished, rather than a quirk of genetics, was not something I was used to. Hell, being called a lady wasn't something I was used to.
The auction started and bidding went crazy. Bridget had been right. People really wanted all that stuff. The StarX goods got the most money, maybe because Savage kept bidding on them himself.
"Five hundred dollars for this signed t-shirt? Surely, you jest. This is worth a heap more than that. Look at it. That's my best handwriting. I bid six hundred."
The crowd laughed.
"I'll go six-fifty, just so you aren't stuck with your own junk," someone yelled out.
'Seven hundred," called a woman at the back. "If I get a kiss with it."
"Hell yeah," Ash said. "The kiss is obligatory. But no tongue."
I looked across the table to Matty. He smiled back. Every part of me stirred at that gentle smile. Could I really be apart from this man for the next year? The occasional catch-up when our schedules allowed would be not nearly enough for me. He left the day after tomorrow. Our time together was so limited, it cast a shadow over the glitter of the night.
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 38
