"We need to talk, Elijah."
Of course we needed to talk, but I'd rather talk with my hands on her body. But, before either one of us could say anything, the cab pulled up.
As we sped away from her apartment, she remained silent. I'd done the grand gesture, the caveman thing. I didn't need to talk, but one question needed to be answered.
"Do you want to come on tour with me?" I asked.
She sighed. "It's not practical."
"I didn't ask that. Do you want to come with me? If you look deep within yourself, without weighing up whether it's practical or not, without thinking of all the arguments against it, do you want to come with me?"
She turned to look out the window.
I clenched my fists. I needed her to say the words, to admit to her feelings.
"I'm sorry, Elijah," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I've been playing a stupid game."
She didn't look at me. She kept her head turned, staring out the window.
I nodded but didn't interrupt.
"I've been a damn fool. And now I need to go home."
She shuffled a little. Still not looking at me, but not turned completely away, either. She stared at an advertisement on the back of the driver's seat.
"When I first came to Amsterdam, it was fine. I ran around, experiencing it all. The art, the culture and the parties. I wanted to be a writer, to create something amazing. I thought I had talent. I'd soon make money. But I just kept getting knockbacks and rejections. All my talent had just been a delusion, nothing that could stand up to the harsh light of the real world."
She sucked in her breath. I wondered if I should take her hand in mine, but she seemed to need space to let this out.
"I wasted all my savings coming here, and I wasted my time thinking I could be somebody. I don't deserve you, Elijah. You could make my dreams come true so easily, but you're in love with a fraud." She'd balled up the edge of her hoodie in her hand. "It all fell in a heap. I lost the enthusiasm and the energy. Instead, I spent hours on my feet, working all the shifts I could to rebuild my savings. By the time I finished at the cafe, I just wanted to sleep. I'd left one routine life only to build another here. Work and commuting and all the mundane stuff that piles up. That became it. My entire life."
That smile she gave me had way too much bitterness for my liking. Sure, she'd had a hard time, but it didn't sound too awful to me.
The cab driver kept glancing in his rearview mirror. I wasn't sure if he understood English. I hoped he didn't. I didn't want anyone listening in on this.
"If I'd been a better person, a stronger one, I'd have overcome those obstacles, but I've spent the past year doing nothing," she went on. "I put things off, thinking I could take them up later, but there was never going to be a later. I had to accept that what I am is a middle-aged woman with broken dreams."
"But you still have time. One year is nothing."
"Maybe, but I've lost confidence in myself. If I'd been younger, I'd have pushed on, maybe. But at my age, it's much harder to bounce back."
She turned to me now. Even though she'd told me the basics of her life, she hadn't mentioned the pain I could see written on her face. She didn't cry, but tears had welled up in her eyes.
"When I found out that your band was coming to town, I thought I could have one last adventure before I returned home to settle down. I didn't want to just see you, I wanted you to see the woman of your fantasies. I could become her for one night. A woman in control of her life. I knew you'd put me on a pedestal once in your life and I figured I'd be back on the pedestal again. So I borrowed an expensive dress and handbag. I got my hair done. I wanted to look like a somebody. Even the attitude I had was borrowed from somewhere. I swaggered backstage, all glamour and confidence, as though I had every right to be there, and nobody stopped me."
"That was a good thing," I said. I smiled at her.
I tried to ignore the driver, who was still watching us in the mirror. He could keep his eyes on the road, damn him.
"I thought the memory of that night would be enough to last me a lifetime. I didn't need any more, just the memories. I could be your fantasy woman for one night, but I couldn't play that role forever."
Those tears started to fall now. Not a flood, but a trickle. I leaned over and wiped them from her face.
"So, you left."
"To be honest, I didn't think you'd care. A different woman every night, isn't that what they say? I'd planned to slip out without you noticing. But, Elijah, it wasn't so easy. I couldn't stay away. I had to go back and watch you play again. Even then, I was lying to myself. I thought watching you from the crowd would be enough for me, but it wasn't enough. It never would be. Every part of me ached to see you again, but I kept telling myself it'd only be a few days, then you'd leave town. I could let you go. What was the alternative? To tell you that I'd lied? To show you how pathetic my life had become? I was embarrassed. First by my life, then by my lies about it."
I wanted to tell her that it was nothing to be embarrassed about. If anyone had been an idiot, it'd been me. That first night had all been about fulfilling my teenage fantasies, but I'd grown since then.
I put my arm around her shoulder and kept wiping away her tears.
"Then you turned up at the cafe," she said. "I thought you knew everything. I wondered if you were angry with me, but instead, you begged me to be with you. I knew then that I couldn't say no. It'd be impossible. And a few more days wouldn't hurt. I could keep up the disguise without letting my pathetic life show through."
"You know, Rose, there's nothing pathetic about your life. You work as a waitress, and you live in a regular apartment. That's enough for most people. It's not like you're doing anything bad or hurting other people."
I stroked her hair. Her body begun to relax now. I wanted to wipe that pain from her eyes as easily as I'd wiped away her tears, but I didn't really understand the source of that pain. Sure, she'd pretended to be richer than she was, but who cared about that kind of thing?
"I feel like I did hurt people," she said. "All those students I'd tried to inspire. I pushed them to follow their dreams, but I abandoned mine so easily. I lied to them all. How could I return to teaching, if I'm not sure I can even face my future students now?"
The pain in her voice wrenched me. "It's not like you can't keep dreaming," I said.
"I'm giving up. I've given up."
She kept her head down. I put my hand under her chin and turned her face to mine. "No. I forbid it."
"You forbid it? You can't--"
"Yes, Rose, I can. I can forbid you from lying to yourself, and I can forbid you from lying to me, and to all those other students you inspired. You aren't going home until this tour is finished. Then we'll go home together. And I'll keep believing in you, no matter what. If you fail, I'll help you get up again. If you lose confidence, I'll be your cheer squad. No matter what it takes, I'm not letting you give up."
The corners of her mouth twitched, as though she wanted to smile. "I'll never be the fantasy woman you built up in your mind."
"Yeah, well, no woman could be," I said. "That was a fifteen-year-old boy's fantasy. I've grown up since then. I don't want the fantasy, I want the reality. The reality is better than anything my mind could conceive."
She sighed. "It sounds too perfect."
"I didn't fall in love with you because you have a designer handbag or a fancy dress or any of the other trappings. I fell in love with you because you see a side of me that no one else does. I know I can be more than just a dumb kid riding on Damo's coattails when you're with me. I'm not asking you to come on tour with me because it'd be an easy way out of this or any other bullshit. I'm asking you because when I wake up each morning, not even sure of what city I'm in, your face is the first thing I want to see. I'm asking you because when I go onstage, I want to see you in the crowd watching me, pushing me on. I'm asking you because there's no other woman in this world I want to be with. Even if you have f
ears or doubts, we can work through them. So long as we've together, working side by side."
Rose sighed. "Imagine when your fans find out you're dating someone old enough to be your mother."
I scoffed. "Hardly. Unless you had me when you were ten years old."
"Eleven."
"Anyway, that's the least of my worries. Eleven years is nothing."
We rounded the corner, and the rays of the setting sun hit the water beside us, making it gleam like diamonds. I wanted to tell her to give it a month, to see if things worked out, but I'd already tried that. We'd done the trial period. There'd be no more trials.
"This is forever, Rose. For better or worse. It won't be dating, and it won't be fooling around. I love you, and I intend to marry you. You've run enough. It's time to settle down for both of us. I want kids, a family. All or nothing. I'm not lying to you. This isn't just about coming on tour. The tour is the start of our life together."
"Are you sure about this, Elijah?"
"Fuck, yeah, Rose. Never been surer."
She didn't answer for a while. Then she turned to me, the light of the setting sun creating a halo around her.
"Elijah, I lied. I loved your song. It was the most beautiful song I'd ever heard."
"I know," I whispered in her ear. "And if you didn't like it, I'd write you another. I'd keep writing songs until I wrote one you loved."
I pulled her to me and kissed her the rest of the way to the hotel.
Elijah
LIKE I'D PROMISED, once we were alone, I slowly stripped off Rose's clothes. She squirmed under my touch, urging me on. I wouldn't hurry, though. I wanted to savor every moment of this. This sex would be different from any sex we'd had before. This would be the first time we had sex as a real couple. That seemed like something to celebrate.
"Should I order champagne?" I asked.
"Hell no. We've waited long enough."
I grinned. I thought so too, but I'd been teasing.
She stood before me now in her bra and panties. "No fancy matching lingerie today. Sorry."
"That's not an issue," I said, laughing.
I kissed her neck. I kissed her collarbones. I kissed her belly. "You really liked my song?" I asked.
"That's what I said."
"Just checking."
"Sorry, Elijah. I know it really hurt you, but I'd become overwhelmed with all the emotions. I wanted to push you away from me."
"You pushed and you pushed, but you can't push me away."
As I trailed kisses down her belly, she didn't push me away. She grabbed my head, pulling me tighter to her. The taste of her skin delighted me. I bet her other tastes would be even better.
I reached up to unclasp her bra. It dropped to the floor. I took her breasts in my hands, the weight of them heavy as I ran my thumbs over her nipples. She sighed and arched her back. I loved hearing that sigh. I wanted to hear her sigh like that every night for the rest of our lives. I'd make her a happy woman.
I wrapped my arms around her thighs and lifted her to the bed. She sank into the soft mattress, a cheeky smile spreading over her face. Then I moved my lips down her body, nibbling on her neck, sucking on her belly, licking her armpit. She squirmed, trying to move me closer to her nipples, but that could wait. The more she wanted this, the better it would be. I gave a wicked chuckle.
"Stop laughing," she said, pulling my head back to her body. "If you want to marry me, you'd better learn not to tease me."
"Oh, I'm going to tease you. And you aren't going to complain, because I'll make you the happiest woman alive. Every night and every morning, and sometimes in the afternoon."
I kissed and licked my way down her body, then stripped her panties off so my kisses could move to her core.
Her hands tangled in my hair as I lapped at her sweet center. I taunted her with my tongue until she screamed with pleasure. The heady scent of her arousal far more satisfying than that perfume she wore.
Even before her screams died down, she pulled me to her. "I need you to fuck me. Now."
"Now?" I asked with a grin.
"Now!"
I entered her, knowing she was mine and always would be. No other woman existed for me. There was just Rose and me, the two of us combined as one. And, hell, that combination felt good.
I wanted to never stop fucking her. I took her gently, resisting the urge to thrust hard. I worked my hips in slow, controlled circles, watching the desire grow on her face. We were made to fit together. I'd waited a long time to fulfill a fantasy, and even longer to sate this need that went far beyond casual fucking.
My control couldn't last. As her nails raked my back, I lunged harder, needing to fill her completely. As my need grew, so did hers. No woman could feel as good as she did. I fucked her hard, the two of us turning savage. Biting and scratching and screaming until I came inside her.
I collapsed beside her, kissing her face. We didn't just have tonight, but the rest of our lives.
Elijah
WE ARRIVED AT THE HOTEL in Brussels and checked in well before the deadline Damo had set. That'd give us a few hours to enjoy ourselves before I had to go to sound check.
Before we could even get our keys, Fartstard saw us and rushed to the reception desk. Shit, I thought. I didn't want to waste time socializing with him.
"Good thing you're back," Fartstard said. "All hell has broken loose."
God, could we have a few days on tour without any drama? I bet it was just some overreaction by Damo. The sound desk at the venue wasn't up to his standards or one of the cables wasn't long enough or something else was marring the perfection he demanded.
I raised an eyebrow. "This had better be important," I said. "I have things to do." I squeezed Rose's hand.
"Yeah, but we can't talk here," he said. He glanced at the clerk, obviously not wanting to talk in front of him.
We walked over to a seating area, and Fartstard looked around to see if anyone was within hearing distance, even though the lobby was pretty much empty. I was surprised he'd even talk in front of Rose, since he was being such a drama queen. I was sure this top-secret stuff was nothing.
"It happened last night."
So, not a technical issue, then. "What happened?" The guy could just spit it out rather than hint around it.
He looked around again, then fixed me in his gaze. "Polly caught Fay in Crow's room. Naked!"
I put my hand to my forehead. Firecracker would be in a ton of shit, but, really, was it that bad? "But, good on Crow," I said. "It's been coming for a while. And I'm sure Polly will get over it eventually. She just needs a few days to get used to the idea."
I started to get up. I'd heard the gossip; now, it was back to bed.
"Crow didn't know," Fartstard said. "He was having a drink with Damo, and Fay talked the desk clerk into giving her his room key. She snuck into his room, stripped off and got in his bed."
I wanted to give him a little hoot. It might've caused shock waves with Polly, but the little Firecracker had some nerve. I had to give that to her. She didn't muck around when she wanted something. "Still, it'll blow over," I said.
"Probably, probably. But watch what you say at the moment. Polly isn't talking to Crow or Fay. She's barely talking to Damo, because he won't do a thing about it. He's ignoring the whole thing. What can he do, though, buddy? He can't throw Fay off the tour, and he definitely can't throw Crow off. Damo says they're adults, and they can do what they want. It's been Tension City here. You're lucky you've been out of town. It's been hell on me."
I couldn't imagine how any of it had impacted Fartstard in any way. He might've had to put with some bitching, but that was it. Maybe a bit of screaming. I was with Damo. They were adults. Let them work it out.
"Thanks for the heads-up," I said. "But I need to get to my room."
I grabbed Rose's hand, and we headed upstairs. We only had a few hours before I had to go to sound check. Life was never boring on tour, for sure, but right now the tour could look after itse
lf. This was Elijah and Rose time.
HARD FREAK
Fay
IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN the best idea I'd ever had, but once it gripped hold of me, I couldn't think about anything else. Who knew that it'd lead to so much trouble?
My life ruled. Really. I found it hard to believe myself, sometimes.
Not that long ago, I'd been lazing around watching Netflix and wondering what to do with my life. Then my cousin Polly had phoned, and I'd been skyrocketed from regular college student to fronting her band on this European tour. I'd always known I was destined for greatness, but I hadn't expected it to happen so suddenly.
Of course, I was only a provisional member of Wreckage. I'd replaced Polly's ex, Miles, the big jerk. My whole reason for being in the group was that I knew their songs, including the bass parts. But, hey, their desperation was my gain. And theirs. I rocked the heck out of fronting that band because I had way more charisma than Miles.
There was only one black cloud.
Crow.
Not Crow himself, but I wanted it to be Crow and Fay. The two of us, together. Friendship was all well and good, but I wanted a whole lot more than friendship. Convincing him of that would have been a whole lot easier if Polly hadn't been dead set against it. She'd become a bit creepy about keeping the two of us apart. Not only did she feel like she was responsible for me, but because she dated Damo, the lead singer of the Freaks, she'd kind of taken over as mother hen of the whole tour. Damo hated drama, and he hated being disturbed, so making sure Damo had the peace and quiet he loved had become Polly's mission.
The whole lot of us--my band, Wreckage, and the headliner band for this tour, the Freaks, plus assorted management--had bussed from Amsterdam to Brussels, arriving late in the afternoon.
Of course, there were a lot more crew on the tour, but they had their own bus and their own schedules. We got the night off while they had to set everything up for tomorrow's show.
We were only playing a few shows here before the Freaks hit Paris to headline a big festival there. Then both bands would be playing Paris.
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 62
