A little while later, another nurse came in. "We're about to give her something to help her sleep, so you should get yourself organized." She glanced at my bags. "Get some sleep and come back in later."
I hated leaving Fiona, but I didn't have much choice with the nurse throwing me out. This hospital seemed to have the bossiest nurses I'd ever met.
Matty
I BOOKED A ROOM AT the first hotel on the list. It was about five minutes' walk from the hospital, but they made me take a cab.
"Don't push yourself too hard," the doctor told me. "You'll be weak for a few days."
I opened the cab door and was about to get in when my stomach clenched. It was only a short distance, but I did not want to get into that cab. Logically, I should be fine. What could happen on a five-minute drive down quiet streets? Still, my mind screamed at me not to get into that car.
As I stood with the door open, half in the cab and half out, the driver yelled something in French. I had no choice but to get in.
"Drive carefully," I told the driver.
He snorted and took off.
I'd booked into the hotel for a week since I had no idea how long I'd be staying. When I got to my room, I opened the suitcases. I wanted to take out all of Fiona's things. She might not want anything now, but I knew as soon as she started feeling better, she'd want her makeup and maybe some pretty things around her. I took out her sleep stuff and put it in a pile to take back to the hospital with me.
I'd wanted to send the flowers Damo had brought in to her ward, but the nurse had said she couldn't have them in ICU. Instead, they got taken to one of the old people's wards. When Fiona got better, I'd fill her room with flowers. I'd send more flowers to the old people, too. It made me sad to think of people in hospital with no one to bring them flowers or visit.
From my room, I had a view of the hospital. I wondered if I could see Fiona's room from there.
Even though the nurse had told me to rest, I didn't think I'd be able to sleep. That freshly made bed called to me, though, and I figured a short kip wouldn't hurt. When I lay down, the softness of the mattress seemed to embrace me--it was so soft after trying to sleep on the hard hospital bed. I wondered if I should get some kind of mattress topper for Fiona if her stay was going to be longer-term. That was the last thought I had before I fell asleep.
When I woke, it was dark outside. How long had I slept? I'd only wanted an hour at the most. I checked my watch. Shit, I'd been out for five hours. I scrambled to get dressed and get back to the hospital. Not wanting to get into another cab, I walked the short distance. Rushed, more like it.
"You look like hell," the nurse said when I reached the ward. "You'll be back in here if you don't watch yourself."
I nodded. I felt a bit woozy too. "I slept. I slept too much. I should've set an alarm."
She tsked. "You obviously needed it. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're in this for the long haul, and it's better to pace yourself. I know what I'm talking about. I've worked here a long time, and everyone wants to be with their loved ones every minute of the day, but you have to look after yourself first."
People kept telling me that, but I couldn't stomach the thought of Fiona waking up alone. Why couldn't they let me sleep in her room?
"How has she been?" I asked.
"Sleeping most of the time. She's had some ice, and we gave her a sponge bath."
I handed the nurse Fiona's sleep stuff.
"Wow, she's got some fancy things here," the nurse said. "Much better than the ugly hospital gowns. Are you sure she'd want to wear them? They might get all messed up while she's still in intensive care."
She didn't elaborate on that, and I didn't ask.
"It's fine," I said. We can buy more."
The nurse put Fiona's things away.
"Matty?" Fiona opened her eyes again. She moved her arm a little, and I grabbed her hand.
"I'm here."
Fiona nodded, then closed her eyes. She stayed like that for the rest of the day, drifting in and out of sleep. Dr. Roche did his rounds and said he was really happy with her progress.
"When can she leave ICU?" I asked him.
"I'm not sure yet. We'll keep monitoring her, but maybe in the next day or so. I'm sure it will be much nicer for her to have a regular room and have some of her things around her. Nicer for you too."
Fiona woke again and looked around in confusion. "Where am I?" she asked.
"You're in the hospital," I explained.
She stared at me. "You should be on the tour," she said again.
"Things are under control," I told her. "I'm here with you. Don't worry about the tour."
She shook her head but drifted back to sleep.
As I sat beside her, I knew that the chances of me going back on tour were almost nil. I wouldn't leave Fiona, no matter what she said. My place was right here. There was no rock left in me.
Matty
FIONA SEEMED EVEN STRONGER the next day. She stayed awake for longer periods and was less confused.
"Can you get me a mirror?" she asked when she woke. "I must look a mess."
A cold shiver went through me. I hadn't expected her to be that lucid, and no one had told her yet about the lacerations. Since bandages covered most of her face, she wouldn't be able to see them, but even the bandages might stress her.
"I don't have one," I said. "I'll ask the nurse later. Do you want me to brush your hair?"
She nodded.
I moved to sit on the bed beside her. I didn't want to push her over to make more room, so I perched with my butt on the edge of the bed. I took her hairbrush and began to gently brush her hair. It was difficult because the bandages covered some parts of her head, but I separated the chunks of hair that were free. I didn't want to pull on her head or cause her any pain.
"That's nice," she said. "Madeline used to brush my hair. Where's Madeline?"
"She's busy with some other clients," I said. "She might come to see you later."
I wasn't sure where Fiona thought she was, or if she even realized we were still in Paris. I'd had a few messages from Madeline since I'd contacted her, asking for progress reports and sending her best wishes. There was no way she'd come to visit, though. As much as Madeline liked Fiona, business always came first with her, and a client who was no longer working wasn't a priority in her books.
As I brushed Fi's hair, I sang to her.
"I've always liked that song," she said. "Remember when Ash's mic screwed up?"
I laughed. We were supposed to be lip-syncing during a TV performance, but someone screwed up and gave Ash a live mic. He could never lip-sync without singing under his breath, and that went to air, the song with his breathy singing like a ghost over the track. I had never been sure if it was an accident or if one of the crew had wanted to make him look like a dick.
Funny that Fi remembered that. I'd long since forgotten it.
"He was so angry about it," I said. "He stomped around, swearing vengeance on the crew, but of course no one ever confessed to doing it."
I kept singing and brushing. When I got to the end of the song, I stopped. "Have you had enough? I don't want to tire you out."
Fiona nodded. I lowered her bed and arranged her pillows so she could sleep. Then I went to the nurses' station.
"She wants a mirror," I said. "I'm not sure if she should see herself at the moment."
The same nurse was on duty. Nurse Lucy. "You think it'll stress her?" she asked.
"I know it will."
"We'll make sure no one take a mirror into the room, not until she's more able to cope. After the bruising and swelling go down, it'll look a lot better, too. The poor dear. I followed her modeling career. She was a stunning woman."
"She'll always be a stunning woman," I said. "She's got a gorgeous heart. The public have rarely seen that side of her."
That side had sure never been covered in the media: her gentleness and sweetness. But there'd been plenty of stories about her being screw
ed up and trashed.
"If she's sleeping, you should slip downstairs and get something to eat," Nurse Lucy said. "The food's not half-bad down in the cafe. They do a decent cup of coffee, too. Maybe even grab a book or a magazine. It must get boring sitting at her bedside."
I didn't want to disappear for too long, but maybe grabbing a sandwich and a coffee would be a good idea. I could bring something up to Fiona's room for later, too.
When I got down to the lobby, I had a bit of a look around. I'd only rushed through earlier. There were several places to eat, but only one that looked like a cafe. There was also a florist and another shop with all kinds of hospital needs.
The woman in the cafe made me a coffee to go, and I grabbed a few things to eat, enough supplies to see me through the afternoon. I got one of the celebrity gossip magazines, too. Fiona liked to flip through them sometimes.
I'd just gotten out of the elevator on Fiona's floor when I heard a scream.
That was her. I knew Fiona's scream. I rushed to her room.
Fiona was still lying in the bed, but tears streamed down her face. She had a mirror in her hand.
A nurse, one I hadn't seen before, stood by her bedside.
I stepped into the room, and Fiona looked up.
"Get out!" she screamed. "Get out, and don't come back. Don't ever look at me like this."
Hell, that nurse had given Fiona a mirror. She'd seen her injuries.
Fiona kept screaming, and I wasn't sure what to do. I tried to go to her so I could comfort her, but she kept screaming at me to get out.
Nurse Lucy came in and looked around.
"Get out, Matty!" Fiona screamed again. Then she picked up a paper cup filled with water from the table beside her bed and flung it at the wall.
I got out of the room. I sat on one of the seats lining the hallway, wondering what to do next.
A while later, I heard Nurse Lucy having words with the other nurse, and Nurse Lucy didn't hold back. But no matter what she said, the damage had been done. I could hear Fiona's sobs from where I was sitting, and it ripped me apart that I couldn't be with her, comforting her. Every single sob sounded like a reprimand to me. I wasn't sure how much Fiona remembered of the accident, but there was only one person to blame.
I sat there for a long time. I still had the coffee and food in my hand, but I no longer wanted any of it. I could walk to a trash can, but even that seemed like too much.
"Maybe you should stay away for a little while," Nurse Lucy said. "She's very upset. It'll take time for her to accept this. Come back in the morning and see how she is."
The nurse could be right, but staying away from Fiona was the one thing I couldn't do.
Matty
I'D KNOWN FIONA WOULD react badly, but it ended up being much worse than I'd ever expected. The next day, when I went to the hospital, she didn't want me in her room. I waited out in the hallway for the whole day in case she changed her mind.
She even refused to let Dr. Roche in, and when he insisted, she begged him for more painkillers.
"I can't look at myself like this," I heard her say. "I need something."
I didn't hear the doctor's answer, but it didn't satisfy her.
She yelled. She abused him. I wondered if I should move away rather than sit there and listen. Then I heard a clunk as something hit the wall. She'd started throwing things. At least she had the strength to do that. I guessed that was a good sign.
Not long after, Dr. Roche came out of her room covered in water. She'd definitely thrown things at him.
"If she continues like this, we may have to restrain her," he said. "She's very angry, and we can't put the nursing staff at risk. I'm going to assign a psychologist to her. There are obviously a lot of issues she needs to work through. Issues from before the accident, even."
I stood up so he wouldn't tower over me. "She won't like that," I said.
"Whether she likes it or not, it's necessary. Her treatment is our main concern, but that doesn't mean we'll tolerate our staff being treated badly. When you said the facial injuries would upset her, I hadn't realized it'd be such a huge thing. Most people would be grateful just to have survived without major damage."
I nodded. He was right, of course. One of Fiona's worst points was the way she took out her temper on those around her, and right now, she had a lot of anger. If she directed it at anyone, it should be me, not the nursing staff.
Dr. Roche paced as though thinking through things before he spoke. "I think maybe one of the social workers might be the best thing. I'll get someone to speak to her."
"How is she, apart from that?"
"Her lower body was barely affected. Once she settles down, we'll start her on some simple exercises so the muscles don't atrophy. We'll have her up and walking around as soon as she's able. Her right arm only has superficial injuries, so that makes her capable of functioning. In a month or so, we'll assess whether we need to operate again."
"Is there anything I can do for her?"
"Until she wants to see you, it would be best to stay away. When she gets too upset, it can be a big setback. Maybe go out and see some of the city."
I couldn't do that. The whole time, I'd just worry about Fiona. "Not likely. I'll wait here until she wants to see me. There's nothing else I can do."
He nodded. "It's up to you. But don't put your entire life on hold for her."
That was exactly what I planned to do, because Fiona was my life. The rest of it was just distractions.
While I waited, I contacted Ash and let him know what had happened. Part of me wondered if Fiona would've been better off with Ash here instead of me. Ash always knew how to handle her. The two of them could be volatile as fuck together, but they understood each other. He'd probably have forced his way into the room and yelled back at her until she saw sense. If she threw things, he'd throw them back, even with her being in recovery.
I could never be that person, but maybe someone like Ash was exactly what she needed right now. Someone strong. I had never seen myself as a weak man, but I didn't have the unquestioning arrogance that Ash had, either. He never doubted or second-guessed himself. Even if he was going to do the most stupid thing in the world, he surged forward, full force. I preferred to sit back and look at things from all angles. After turning things over and over in my mind, I'd make a decision.
I guessed that was why the other guys still spoke to me while they barely had anything to do with Ash. He irritated the hell out of people, to the point that they couldn't be in the same room with him.
Surely, there had to be something I could do, not just wait outside this room. I needed Fiona to understand my feelings. I needed to her to let me in, even just a little.
Then I had an idea. She didn't want to see me, but that wouldn't stop me from communicating with her. She didn't have her phone with her in the ICU, so I asked the nurse for a sheet of paper and a pen. I could write down my feelings and get the nurse to give the letter to her.
Then I sat back down on the hard plastic chair that had probably worn a groove in my butt.
I started: Dear Fiona.
That sounded awfully formal, but I couldn't think how else to start. Maybe one sheet of paper had been optimistic. I might need a whole heap of paper before I could get this right. I couldn't write letters. It'd been years since I'd written one. I had so many things I wanted to say, but that blank sheet in front of me pushed every thought out of my head.
I sucked on the end of the pen. Where did I even start?
This shouldn't be so difficult. I wrote songs. I'd written songs that people loved.
I sat up. That was what I had to do. Not a letter, but a song. Write it like song lyrics, wrapping up my feelings for her. Of course I wouldn't actually write a song, but I had to think the same way. What was the most important idea I needed to get across?
That I wanted to be with her, no matter how she looked--but I had to be careful how I said that. I didn't want to sound like I meant she was ugly no
w.
Fiona, you're more beautiful to me now than you've ever been.
Good. That was good.
Just seeing you alive showed me how much you mean to me.
Without you, I couldn't survive. Every breath you take is precious to me. Every moment of your life means the world.
I want to be with you. I want to be the one beside you, supporting you. Holding your hand or whatever you need.
So far, so good.
Don't push me away. Not now, when you need me the most. Don't turn my love away. Together, we can get through this.
I read back through what I'd written. There was something else I needed to add, but I wasn't sure I had the courage to say it.
I sucked on the end of my pen for a long time, considering what I should say.
I know this is all my fault. Every day, I wish I'd never told that cab driver to hurry. I hope one day you'll forgive me.
I folded the page and took it to the nurse. "Can you give this to her?" I asked.
The nurse nodded. "I'll give it to her. I can't make her read it, but I'll make sure she gets it."
After that, there was nothing left to do but go back and wait.
Fiona
WHEN THE NURSE HANDED me the letter, I brushed it away.
"It's from Matt," she said.
"I know."
"You should read it. He's a good man. He's been sitting outside your room. We thought he was going to lose it when you were in danger. He loves you a great deal."
When she put the letter back on the table in front of me, I didn't push it away, but I didn't pick it up, either. I didn't want to read his words. I knew what he'd say, but I'd always been a burden to him, and now I wasn't even a pretty burden.
"He's too good," I said. "He deserves better."
The nurse put her hands on her hips. "He deserves better than being made to sit outside your room until you get over your little tantrum," she said. "You could've easily died on that operating table. You came close, in fact. You'll have the use of all your limbs, after some therapy, and you'll get over this. The pain will go away. You're being a fool if you think a few scars mean that much."
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