When I go to open my mouth, she lifts her head and speaks. “I want you, Connor. I think I’ve always wanted you, but that’s not what I had. I left that night, and we can’t pretend the last eight years haven’t happened. I know that you’re worried that, if you find out Hadley is yours, you won’t be able to pull back, and I’m worried that if we don’t, I won’t be able to move forward.”
My heart pounds against my chest. “It won’t matter if she is or isn’t.”
“It matters to me.”
Which is what I fear too. If she finds out that Kevin is Hadley’s father, will she walk away from me? Will she fear that he’ll want Hadley and run? Will she go off and not tell anyone to protect them both? I won’t be able to handle it if she does. I want her to be ours. I want that night to have created something so perfect that it lives between us now. However, if it matters to her, then I’ll give her the answers she wants, damn the consequences.
“Is this what you need?” I ask.
“I think it is.”
“Then . . . I’ll take the test tomorrow if that’s what will make you happy and feel secure.”
“It is. I want to know one way or the other.”
“I’ll do anything for you, Ellie.”
Ellie launches herself at me, her arms wrap around my neck, and I steady us and hold her in my arms. Her lips are on mine an instant later, and all the worries I have disappear.
Maybe she’s right, we can’t move on if we don’t face what’s behind us. God, if that’s true, I’m going to have a lot of baggage to unpack.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ellie
I’m so damn tired. Today was a crazy day at work. I have been trying to step out of my comfort zone and meet the other teachers, but I have horrible social skills. If they don’t have kids, I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.
They were talking about shopping today, and I tried. I really did. I also failed and ended up faking a stomach ache and hiding in my classroom to eat.
“Connor?” I call out as I enter the house. “Hadley?”
No one answers.
Maybe they’re both working on the tractor again. Connor finished with the barn last night and said he needed to get the equipment going next. There are so many repairs to be made that I don’t know how his brothers expect him to get even half of it done before his six-month sentence is up.
Not even six months now.
It’s been almost two months since my assault. Time is dwindling without even knowing it. What happens when it’s up? Will he stay or leave? Will I stay or leave is another question. I don’t have the answers to either question.
I release a sigh because I’m not ready to face any of this right now. I grab the mail off the counter and toss the bills, my bank statement for the account I never changed the address to, and then stop cold before tossing the last envelope.
The DNA test results.
I take the envelope and rush into my room. I can’t open it without him. I can’t sit here and not look, though. Hadley is my daughter and this is her entire life, but what if the results aren’t what I hope for?
I knew that would be a possibility, but it would still suck. Now it’s here, and while I thought that I could handle whatever the results were . . . maybe I was wrong. Am I ready for Connor to be her father? Am I okay with knowing that . . . Kevin . . . could be a part of her and we’ll never be rid of him? There’s so much at stake here.
Instead of allowing myself to go down the rabbit hole, I force myself to get a grip. Connor is a good man and won’t push, that much I’m sure of. He may want to, but he will never do anything to hurt Hadley or me. I have to trust that regardless of what this test says, I know my path.
I’m going to get my divorce and start living the life I deserve. Whether that means Connor is a part of it or not is irrelevant. I’m saving my money, working in a job I love, and somewhat living with my could-be baby daddy because my house is too scary for my daughter to be in for more than ten minutes. Yeah, I’ve got it all together now.
I sit on the bed, tilt my face to the ceiling, and release a heavy breath. I’ve got this. I need to take it step by step. First one is to find my daughter and Connor, lure him away from her, and make him open the results. Then I can freak out.
Instead of any of that, I put my hand down and don’t feel the comforter, but find satin. Huh?
When I get to my feet and look down, there’s my black satin dress that was hanging in the closet at my house. It is the only nice thing I own, and I’ve only worn it on very special occasions. Kevin didn’t want me to dress nicely since it might draw attention to me.
“What is this?” I ask as I pick up the note.
* * *
Ellie,
Meet me at 8 PM at the bar where we met. Hadley is with Syd for the night, all is well. We deserve some time . . . just us.
Connor
* * *
“What exactly are you up to Connor Arrowood?” I ask aloud as I clutch the note to my chest. Regardless of whatever it is, he did something that no one has ever done before.
Tried.
I’m all nerves as I get out of the black Town Car that happened to be parked outside the house once I emerged. It was pretty impressive and very thoughtful. I smooth the dress down and push my hair back. I was in a hurry to get ready since I didn’t find the note until seven thirty and knew it would take about twenty minutes to get over there.
Still, even with rushing around, I’m about fifteen minutes late. The envelope containing the results of the DNA test is in my purse, and I worry when the moment will be right to bring it up.
I step out onto the curb and am thrown back in time. It’s exactly as I remember. The bar is old with a neon sign that is still only partially illuminated, making it read AR instead of BAR. The windows have old shutters that are in desperate need of repair, and the music is a low country sound that speaks to the sadness of those who come here.
But inside, sadness isn’t waiting for me—Connor is.
I push through the door, suddenly anxious to see him, and when I take in what’s in front of me, I can’t breathe.
Connor is the only person inside, no other patrons or even a bartender. The dingy inside has been cleaned, and the faint scent of pine and lemon is lingering under the scents of the candles lit all around the room. There’s a small table in the middle of the dance floor with a tablecloth, two place settings, and a bouquet of roses. His hand casually rests on the back of the chair as he smiles and watches me.
“You’re late.”
I smile back. “I didn’t get adequate notice.”
He starts to move toward me, not in a rush but not overly slow either. His stride is confident, as though he knew I would come even if it took me a while. “You look beautiful.”
“So do you. Well, handsome. You look handsome,” I correct.
All the worries that plagued me are gone. Connor pushes them all away just by being near me. “I wanted us to have a real date.”
“I see that. Typically, one asks the girl, right?”
He shrugs as he comes to a stop in front of me. “I don’t think there’s anything typical about us, Angel.”
He’s right on that one.
Connor’s hand slides up my arm, leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake before his thumb brushes against my jaw. “Don’t lose yourself.” His voice is low and has an edge of warning. “I’m going to kiss you, and I need one of us to have some control.”
My breaths are coming in quick succession, and I can’t quite keep up with what he’s saying. Control? Kissing?
Before I can think too much more on it, his lips are on mine. He kisses me softly at first, sweetly, slow pecks that cause my toes to curl. I hold on to his shoulders, needing the support because I would swear I’m melting.
Then the kiss becomes more intense, and I’m not even sure what planet I’m on anymore. I feel weightless, floating off into a sea of desire where he is all that exists.
>
The music is gone, the bar fades away, and it’s just the two of us.
Our mouths move together, not rough or needy, but exploratory—as though we have no time but the present. It’s magical, wonderful, and I never want it to end. The sound of my heartbeat fills my ears as I open my lips for him. His tongue melts against mine, and I moan.
God, kissing like this is criminal.
He tilts my head to the side, urging me to give him better access, and I give it freely. I would give up everything to make this kiss last forever.
My fingers dig into his shoulders as his lips move down to kiss my neck. “You were supposed to keep your wits,” he says against my skin before pressing another soft kiss at the hollow of my throat.
“You know what kissing you does to me?”
He straightens, a triumphant smile on his arrogant face. “Yes, and I like the results.”
I grin and take a step back, wobbling a bit, which makes him grin wider. “Watch yourself.”
“Yeah, you watch yourself too. You’re not as unaffected as you’d like to pretend.”
Connor chuckles, a deep throaty sound that makes me want to kiss him again.
“I never said I was. When it comes to you, Ellie, I have no restraint.”
“I think you have a lot more than you’d care to admit.”
He raises one brow. “How so?”
“Well, I’ve been in your house for two months now and you haven’t done anything more than kiss me.”
After the words are out of my mouth I want to slap myself.
“Did you want me to do more?”
Yes. No. I don’t know. “I shouldn’t and that’s why I’m glad you haven’t. I’m still technically married, and there’s this part of me that doesn’t want us to do more than what we have for that reason.” Not that I think any God in heaven wouldn’t understand after all I’ve dealt with. Still, I think it’s more of starting a new thing. I want my relationship with Connor to never bear any black marks.
We had the night together years ago, and I should never have done that.
“No, that’s . . .” I cover my face with my hands. “I’m not good at any of this, so please forget I said that.”
“Please explain,” he urges as we sit.
“The next time we’re together, I want it to be right. No husband, no secrets, no things that are hanging over our heads. I want you and me to be everything.”
He reaches his hand out over the table, and I place mine in it. “I told you that I’d wait forever for you, and I mean it. I feel like these eight years have been my training mission.”
I try to smile, but I feel stupid. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“That I’m basically telling you we have to wait until my divorce is final.”
“Tell me this, can I kiss you?”
“Yes.”
“Can I hold you?”
I nod. “Of course.”
“Can we go on dates?”
“I hope we do.”
Connor smiles. “Then, until you’re ready for anything more, we’ll do just that. I’m not in a rush.”
“And what about when your six months are up?” I ask.
“Then we figure it out.”
I don’t know why I hoped for something else. It’s unfair of me to expect him to make promises of more, and I really am grateful he doesn’t. Connor tells me the truth—always. He’s honest with me, knowing that I can’t handle games.
“Okay, we figure it out,” I say in solidarity.
“Now, tonight, we’re on our first official date, and I plan to woo you.”
I lean back and extend my hand. “By all means, woo away.”
The dinner is great. Connor and I laugh, tell more stories of when we were younger, and talk about good times. We both steer clear of heavy topics and enjoy each other’s company. He had the bar serve us mozzarella sticks for an appetizer on plates he brought from home, cheeseburgers for the main course, and he had the fries separated to be our side dishes. It was cute, thoughtful, and absolutely perfect.
“Tell me about your parents,” Connor says as we sit, waiting for the desert.
“Not sure what to say. They were amazing, really wonderful. They died tragically, and it’s all still a mystery as to what happened.”
“A mystery?”
I nod. “They never found the car that hit them, so the case went cold.”
“I’m so sorry.” His voice is filled with empathy.
For the first time, I don’t feel quite so sad. It’s funny how healing happens in ways you don’t realize. Before, talking about them would make me depressed, but in this moment, I want to remember the good and not the bad. I’m tired of always going back to what it was like when they died.
“I’ve been stuck for so long and . . . I don’t know. I guess I forgot just how much my parents loved each other. It was sometimes almost gross to watch. My father was always kissing her.” I laugh once. “I remember one time I walked into the kitchen and he had her up against the wall. I was sixteen, so I fully knew what they were doing.”
Connor smiles. “I never saw any of that, thank God. To me, my mother died a born again virgin.”
He’s so stupid. “From what you’ve told me about your father’s undying love for her, I’m going to guess that isn’t true. Also, she had four boys in five years. That’s a lot of sex.”
His face scrunches. “No, that’s one time each, and they never touched again.”
“Is that what you’d want if we were together?” My fingers slide against his palm.
He clears his throat. “No. Once I have you, Ellie, you’re going to want more time with me as well.”
“Is that so?”
Not that I doubt him in the least. I want him now. Touching him, kissing him, is a drug that I can’t quit. I can’t imagine how it will be when we finally make love again.
“Most definitely.”
“I look forward to the challenge.”
Connor rises to his feet and comes around the table. “They say that dancing is like having sex with your clothes on.”
“They do?”
“Yes. Will you dance with me?”
“Now? But there’s no music.”
He grins as he extends his hand. “We don’t need it.”
I place my hand in his and we walk a little away from the table, which took up most of the dance floor. Connor stops, and I step into his arms. Together, we sway, our cheeks resting on each other’s, arms holding on to one another. He was right. We don’t need music.
I close my eyes and commit this moment to memory. Here we are, in the bar where we met so many years ago, dancing just like we did that night.
I feel it all, the warmth of his body, the strong muscles that make me feel safe, and the way I seem to fit perfectly against him.
Connor pulls back so our eyes meet. “I could stay like this with you forever.”
“Me too.”
And I want to. With him, the world is filled with possibilities and safety.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Connor urges.
I want to confess it all to him because he needs to know what I’m feeling. “That when I’m with you, I’m not the broken woman I sometimes feel like. That you look at me in a way I only dreamed was possible. It scares me, yes, but it humbles me as well. I think about how much I want something more with you even though it feels like it should be way too soon.”
His thumb strokes my cheek. “I think if we were anyone else, it would be. You’ve been mine since the night we met in this bar. When we gave ourselves to each other, it wasn’t the way either of us planned. I know you, Ellie. I see you for all that you are, and I think that maybe you’re just starting to see yourself.”
He’s the man who wants to slay dragons and has the fortitude to do it. I don’t fear telling him things. He is the calm in the storm that rages around me.
I shake my head, looking away. “I don’t deserve you.”
<
br /> His thumb lifts my chin so our gazes lock once more. “It’s me who doesn’t deserve you, Angel, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to give you up.”
We stay like this, just moving to the sound of our heartbeats, making our own music.
After a few more beats, I look up at him, hoping what I’m about to say doesn’t destroy the perfect night we’ve been enjoying. “I got something today.”
“Is it about the court case? I got my subpoena today too.”
“No, it’s not about that,” I chew on my lip nervously.
“Ellie.” Connor’s concern is laced in my name. “I promise, it’ll be okay. I’ll be right beside you, and with the way the judge ruled the last time, I’m sure that it’ll go your way.”
“No, I know. It’s not that. I know you won’t let him hurt us,” I say. “I actually got something else—results, really.” I try to ignore the sliver of fear in his eyes as I walk over to my purse. I pull the envelope out and hold it in my hand. “I didn’t open it. I really wanted to, but I thought it should be something we do together—that is, if you want. Or I can open it and tell you.”
Connor steps closer, his fingers grazing mine as he takes the envelope. His eyes study the plain manila envelope with the company name and the address label before he raises them back to me.
“We do it together.”
I nod, unable to use my voice even if I wanted to. It feels as though something is sitting on my throat as the enormity of this moment washes over me.
We’re going to find out if she’s his.
My hands are shaking, and so are his as he lifts the paper from the envelope.
Connor looks at me once more. “I mean it, Ellie, this changes nothing about how I feel. I love Hadley, and whatever is going on with us isn’t going to stop because of this. If she’s mine, I swear right now, that I’ll protect her with my life. I’ll follow your lead on how we handle it because she’s what matters. If I’m not, then she will never know anything different. But regardless of whether I’m her father or not, she will never fear that man again. Neither of you will.”
Come Back for Me Page 16
